


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: Birth By Sleep

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [11]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Also Aqua Is Best Waifu Fight Me, Disney Analysis, Humor, I'm Going To Give So Many People Alcohol Poisoning, Parody, References No One Understands, Screenplay/Script Format, The "Call Me Ven" Drinking Game, The Terra Says "Unversed!" Drinking Game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2018-11-30 20:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 118,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11470749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: Because why not. Contains Ventus suddenly thinking he doesn't have any friends for no adequately explored reason, Aqua being best waifu despite not having the best voice acting, and Terra following the tradition of helping out the first strangers he comes across with no negative repercussions whatsoever.





	1. It's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _LENGTHY PERSONAL BULLSHIT NO ONE'S GONNA READ!_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> For both newcomers and anyone coming into this having read the final real chapter of my KHII parody who read Kairi's hint correctly: This, and the parody for Coded, have already been completely written. Coded's actually been written since some time during the Chain of Memories parody, and I worked on BBS whenever I got bored during Days and KHII. However, instead of posting all of it at once, I will still be posting long-ish chapters every Tuesday. My reasons for this is twofold: first, I'm still editing, constantly, fixing jokes and updating references and fighting with the fucking html formatting so I can make it look how I want on this site.
> 
> Second...I started the Harry Potter movie parodies late into my junior year of high school. In April 2007. I have been parodying my favorite franchises for over ten years now, with limited breaks and only some random oneshots and that one other, non-humor fic over the course of that decade. I desire a break, if you don't mind.
> 
> Now don't get me wrong, I'm not fucking stopping by any stretch. I'll be slowly working on KH3D and -A fragmentary passage- during said break, and Back Cover/UX is also a thing I've been writing on the side as it's been updating. Just fucking added a chunk last week. And if KHIII actually comes _out_ before the inevitable heat death of the universe, I will be using various walkthroughs to get through a parody of that as well.
> 
> I just want to work on other things for once. Like more Harry Potter-related parodies! And also a novel-length For Want of a Nail fic that I've been planning for some time, and I would like a chance to actually sit down and write it. This break might just be my chance to get my shit together on this.
> 
>  _ **Tl;dr:**_ I still have shit to post every Tuesday even if I'm not actively writing anything.
> 
>  **Now Here's My Usual List Of Shit That I Blatantly Stole From For This Chapter Alone:** _Harry Potter, Avatar: The Last Airbender,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Pokémon, Suburban Commando,_ Film Brain, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Lord of the Rings, Arrow,_ TFS Gaming, Mr. Plinkett reviews, _Superman: At Earth’s End,_ and anything ever owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Man do I enjoy it when I don’t have to put together a “Previously On” montage…~

 **Tinkerbell:** Hey look it’s the Disney Interactive Studios logo. Dafuq am I doing here.

 **Square Enix logo:** We are amazing and you will buy every game we’ve ever made because we make the guys very, very pretty. Is what we would’ve said pre-FFXIII but at least XV exists and we’re remaking VII, amirite?

 **Game title:** ‘Sup.

 **Aqua, Terra, and Ventus:** YAAAAAY SHOOTING STAR IS TEH PRETTY AND OUR GRAPHICS ARE SUDDENLY LEAGUES BETTER THAN THEY EVER WILL BE UNTIL 0.2, BACK COVER, AND III.

 **Keyblades:** WE EXIST.

 **Master Xehanort:** I have feet. They are menacing.

 **Aqua:** I just turned my head.

 **Ventus:** I appear to be talking to you.

 **Armored dudes:** Why do we have billowy capes, they serve no purpose other than looking cool and getting in our way.

 **Aqua, Terra, and Ventus:** Oh come on, “Simple and Clean” _again?!_ For the love of Merlin, come up with a different song already, we’re sick of the two we’re constantly stuck with!

 **Terra:** I’m getting frequent and annoying visions of us dressed in armor, it’s kinda freaking me out.

 **Armored!Terra:** I AM RUNNING!

 **Master Xehanort:** Apparently I’m an earth bender.

 **Armored!Terra:** Ow. Wait, we’re not even wearing armor in this scene, why is this cutscene making us wear them?

 **Aqua:** Probably so we can look badass and awesome. Also I’m standing in front of stain glass right now. It is pretty. I wish we could go inside this building more often than not at all.

 **Terra:** I don’t get it, how are you not out of breath right now?! _You’re wearing a fucking corset!_

 **Aqua:** Iunno, now shut up and fight me.

 **Terra:** The impression is that you’re kicking my ass, meaning that we’ve finally got an original female character in these games who actually fucking _does something._

 **Aqua:** Well…Xion did things, but mostly you had to rescue her ass or cover for her or fix her fuck-ups and stuff. Me, I actually seem to be competent and know generally what I’m doing. WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.

 **Ventus:** I don’t know, but I get the feeling that this game’s going to be _fucking awesome_ — where the hell did that door come from.

 **Master Xehanort and Vanitas:** Don’t worry about it.

 **Vanitas:** I am vaguely threatening and am holding my hand out to you in an eerie throwback...foreshadow?...to Riku.

 **Ventus:** Cool.

 **Vanitas:** FEAR MY ARM’S STRETCHY POWERS OF STRETCHINESS.

 **Ventus:** And now everything’s super dark. Crap. What the fuck am I holding. *drops it*

 **Aqua:** Looks like it transformed into a star pendant charm thing. Yay mine’s blue and not some stereotypically girly color like pink or something. I just keep getting cooler and cooler with every moment that I’m on screen.

 **Ventus:** Yay I get the green one, that’s cool.

 **Terra:** So I think I’m basically the leader type person thing dude guy place, so by all rights I _should_ be getting a red one, but I like how it’s yellow instead, that is also cool.

 **Aqua, Terra, and Ventus:** Aaaaaand they flew away. Crap.

 **Stained glass thing of Aurora:** What the crap do any of our stain glass things at the beginnings of the games have to do with _anything._

 **Stained glass thing of Cinderella:** Well at least in this game we’ll actually be involved.

 **Stained glass thing of Snow White:** And by involved I assume you mean we’ll stand around and be pathetic while the main characters do all the work.

 **Stained glass thing of Cinderella:** Well of course, but at least we have a fellow woman actually doing shit this time instead of just waiting around for the men to do everything.

 **Stained glass thing of Snow White:** True ‘nuff.

 **Star Seeker Keyblade:** Hey I have charms and crap it’s pretty and I don’t think anyone outside of Mickey ever actually ever used me.

 **Master Xehanort:** Hey, remember me, I’m the villain?

 **Armored!Terra:** Ow my arm.

 **Master Xehanort:** I’m crushing your head.

 **Armored!Ventus:** Could you not?

 **Armored!Terra:** NOES oh hey I have a mouth.

 **Master Xehanort:** I derive extreme pleasure in squeezing young men’s heads.

 **Armored!Terra and Armored!Ventus:** …

 **Master Xehanort:** …Yeah, that did _not_ come out right…

 **Slightly armored!Aqua:** My helmet had an owie. Also that was just _fucked up,_ what you just said. I think you should just leave.

 **Terra:** And now we’re in normal clothing and in a white area thing.

 **Aqua:** Me putting a hand to my chest as you walk by kind of insinuates that I’m in love with you or something, when I think I consider both you and Ven as my brothers or something so that’s just fucked up.

 **Armored-ish!Ventus:** My eyeball is terrified out of its mind.

 **Master Xehanort:** *uses Blizzaga on Ventus. It’s super effective!*

 **Terra:** I am running away from the darkness. It is symbolic of how I’m trying to run away from the darkness.

 **Ventus:** I’m…trying to run away from the light. Weird. Also I’m trying to run away from the television screens embedded in the walls and floor that are showing off future gameplay. OHMAIGOD STITCH IS IN THIS GAME THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST GAME EVER.

 **Aqua:** And I’m just constantly in the light. And now I’m wearing most of my armor and one of my best friends appears to be dying in my arms. This game’s _dark._

 **Armored-ish!Ventus:** I WAS _FROZEN TODAY!_

 **Master Xehanort:** Enough with the Christopher Lloyd quotes, have a ball of darkness thrown at the sky.

 **Clouds:** NOT THE BALL OF DARKNESS! *run away*

 **Heart-shaped moon:** Hi, I’m apparently the Title of the Franchise, how y’all doin’ tonight!

 **Slightly armored!Aqua:** Eh, usual, trying to fight the main boss but we can’t because these cutscenes are so long and awesome.

 **Armored!Terra:** Fuck this helmet. *takes it off, eyes turn yellow* Now try not to imagine me with white hair and darker skin, ‘cause that’d just be silly. Aaaand now I’m wearing normal clothes and am sinking into water or something along with about twenty Keyblades for some reason.

 **Aqua:** Why did you just morph into me and why am I now sinking into darkness. I hate foreshadowing…what’s with the giant stain glass thing of Ven.

 **Their three Keybades:** *shatter the glass thingy*

 **Ventus:** Was I trapped in that or something? AND WHY DO I LOOK SO MUCH LIKE ROXAS ARE WE THE SAME PERSON I DO NOT COMPREHEND except that I think I might comprehend. Oh yeah, falling to my death, right. And now I’m glowing. Yeah, all of this totally makes so much sense. Damn it, camera, why are you moving away from me? I want explanations as to why my body is entirely white, damn it!

 **Sora and Riku:** We’re like four and five and on the beach together, it’s adorable.

 **Shooting star:** *conveniently arcs downward and disappears into Sora’s face*

 **Film Brain:** SYMBOLISM!!!!!!DARKNESS!!!!!!!!

~Well that was long and confusing.~

 **Destiny Islands:** Hey, remember when the main characters used to live here and hang out here all the time? Us either.

 **Waves:** Yep, crashing on the beach. ‘Swhat we do.

 **Feet:** *exist*

 **Youngish Xehanort:** Sunset pretty. Though this world is way too small. I mean, in the first game we thought it was just this one island, but then we find out it’s actually next to a much bigger place which can I guess only be an island because the place is called Destiny _Islands,_ but we still never get to explore the other one or find out how big it really is. So really this world is bigger than we thought. But every world is too small when you think about it, at most it’s like about ten rooms or something and you can’t explore any further. If those were in any way expanded then no one would feel as claustrophobic.

 **Old As Shit Master Xehanort:** And now it’s night and I’m wearing an Organization XIII cloak with my hood up because it covers my bald hair and am carrying an young, unconscious, underage, shirtless boy around with me.

 **Clouds:** We are dark and menacing.

 **Master Xehanort:** Fear my metal hood tie things of evil. And my feet of evil. And we are on that one island where Sora sparred with Riku in the first game. Will spar with. Prequels are weird.

 **Ventus:** Still unconscious.

 **Master Xehanort:** I haz a goatee. And this world is empty aside from all the people who inhabit it, so you’ll be fine here. *drapes young, unconscious, underage, shirtless boy on his stomach over a tree, instead of just laying him on the ground like a normal person. This guy isn’t creepy _at all_ *

 **Ventus:** If I were conscious I’d be screaming for an adult about now.

 **Master Xehanort:** I am an adult.

 **Ventus:** Yeah that never did make much sense. Also my eyes are blank and soulless, it’s awesome.

 **Sora’s heart:** Hey, where am I?

 **Ventus:** Who the fuck are you?

 **Light:** I ARE SHINY.

 **Ventus:** And now I’m sinking into the watery crap from the beginning of the first game, I assume. Why do I still have my blanket….never mind, it just dissolved. Yeah, that makes sense.

 **Fangirls:** *wolf whistle at the sight of naked chest*

 **Ventus:** …I’m like fourteen or fifteen or something, possibly even younger.

 **Fangirls:** Didn’t stop us during _Goblet of Fire,_ ain’t gonna stop us now.

 **Ventus:** Everything about this franchise exudes disturbingness.

 **BUBBLES!:** *exist*

 **Ventus:** And now I’m bathed in light and feathers and junk. My eyes are still dead, though. YAAAAAY SHINY WHITE SURFACE I can actually _stand_ on. Now to stare around at it and the darkness in confusion. And squint to avoid the headache I will no doubt soon receive from staring at this floor for too long.

 **Sora’s heart:** In answer to your question, I’m a brand new heart. Seriously, I think I was just born recently or something, and yet I have a full grasp of the English/Japanese/whatever language.

 **Ventus:** …So does this mean I’m actually ten or eleven myself at this point?

 **Sora’s heart:** Probably! Either that or you’re still fifteen-ish and just won’t age much after this.

 **Ventus:** Well that makes everything even creepier either way, great. And we’re apparently in my heart right now. Thought it would be more of a red, pulsing thing constantly pumping blood and ensuring my survival, but admittedly I know nothing about anatomy. They could totally be glowing white pillars of light surrounded by foggy blackness for all I know. So…What’re you doing here?

 **Sora’s heart:** The plot demanded I come and help you out. Plus I saw something shiny, and I’m a little kid, of course I’d follow it.

 **Ventus:** Cool. Also apparently my heart’s missing a big chunk of itself. Look at this pillar, a huge part of it has been broken off somehow. How I’m alive right now, I have absolutely no idea, but I think I’ll soon be dead unless I get a transplant or something.

 **Sora’s heart:** Well that sucks. We should just combine our hearts together, then you can still live and shit.

 **Ventus:** …The fuck does that work?

 **Sora’s heart:** I HAVE NO IDEA! Also you evidently have no choice, the pillar’s already repairing itself so I assume I just went ahead with my idea and giving you no choice in the matter.

 **Ventus:** …You’re kind of a dick.

 **Sora’s heart:** Well it _worked,_ didn’t it? But apparently nothing will break it now, unless I happen to turn into a Heartless and end up creating a Nobody who happens to look exactly like you in order to save a very dear friend of mine, but what are the odds of that happening?

 **Ventus:** Um…

 **Sora’s heart:** But yeah, hopefully one day you’ll be strong enough to do this shit on your own, I can’t keep doing _everything_ around here.

 **Ventus:** …Thanks?

 **Sora’s heart:** Shut up and wake up. And because this thing is all over the fucking place, we need to…

 **Ventus and Sora:** Open the door that we still don’t know anything about and probably never will other than the fact that it’s there and it does stuff.

 **Ventus:** …Why is there a giant stain glass circle of me? And why are flower petals floating up from it? Eh, fuck it, I’ll just roll with it.

 **Stain glass circle of Ventus:** …Hi. I exist. Wait, where did Ven go?

 **Master Xehanort:** Gah! I was totally not sleeping just now! Aaaaand he's still deaded-ish, so I'm just gonna go, I think...

 **Ventus:** I have an arm. And am now lying on my back, that's somehow way better.

 **Master Xehanort:** Wait what's happening?

 **Wayward Wind:** ‘Sup.

 **Master Xehanort:** A Keyblade!

 **Wayward Wind:** …I believe that’s already been established, yes. I ARE SHINY.

 **Ventus:** Still unconscious!

 **Beam of light:** WHEEEEEEEE!

 **Master Xehanort:** …What the fuck is going on.

 **Player:** You’re asking _us?!_

 **Master Xehanort:** …I totally had this planned! Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh!

 **Ventus (I totally almost typed Roxas just now):** My eyes are still dead-looking…though they are shining at all the shininess…

 **Wayward Wind:** …Did I just create life?

~Possibly years later? It’s unclear.~

 **Glowy circle thing, giant leaf, African mask, desk, bookcase, various drawings and things:** …We’re _sure_ he’s not Roxas?

 **Ventus:** Why didn’t I take off my shoes or armor thingy before going to bed. *sits up* Seriously, this random piece of armor that covers one shoulder and hardly does anything to protect me is digging into my arm. *looks out window* Le gasp!

 **Meteor shower:** ‘Ello, ‘ello!

 **Ventus:** A meteor shower!

 **Meteor shower:** …This stating the obvious is gonna be a running theme, isn’t it.

 **Ventus:** IT IS SHINY. I GO TO LOOK AT THE SHINY.*ignores the fact that he has a telescope in his room and goes outside to presumably get a better view I guess*

 **Mountain thingy:** Why am I covered in giant-ass Rings of Power?

 **Sauron:** Don't look at me

 **Land of Departure title card:** Welcome to Castle Oblivi—I-I mean Land of Departure. Yeah, that.

 **Meteor shower:** Really? Could’ve sworn you said—

 **Land of Departure title card:** YOU HEARD NOTHING!

 **Music:** *is really energetic and loud and annoying for being in a cute little starry night area thing*

 **Ventus:** *running down the stairs* Wheeeeee. *stops at bottom* Huh. By the way I’m not even bothering to look up at the sky, I’ve determined that I can’t see much of the meteor shower from my current location. If only I had a telescope!

 **Player:** OMFG I HAVE CONTROL. *moves him straight ahead to the next area where another cutscene starts* …Okay, that was basically nothing…

 **Ventus:** BRIIIIIDGE! And giant weird-ass golden circle things hanging from massive chains attached to thick poles. Eh, might as well squeeze in some kind of training or something even though having been training here for some time I should already know how to use the Keyblade and have no idea why I would need a refresher course to somehow relearn everything I already know.

 **Player:** YAY I GET TO HIT THINGS. *hits giant weird-ass golden circle thing hanging from massive chain attached to thick pole* Hey cool, health ball things despite there probably not being any way to actually lose health at this point in the game — and we’ve reached another cutscene already. Are we actually gonna be able to play or what here.

 **Ventus:** Must…run…to the thing…with four things…IT WAS THREATENING ME AND THEREFORE MUST BE DESTROYED. Yeah, I'm so good at tether ball!

 **Player:** Whoa. We can lock onto things! THIS WILL REVOLUTIONIZE KINGDOM HEARTS GAMEPLAY.

 **Treasure chest:** Teleporting is normal for my kind, honest.

 **Ventus:** THAT CHEST IS MINE. Oh for the love of Merlin, I’ve forgotten how to jump — oh right, that’s how.

 **Treasure chest:** *contains Sliding Dash*

 **Ventus:** …How the shit is an ability contained within a chest.

 **Camera:** Look at the pretty scenery.

 **Ventus:** Why am I attempting to relearn shit I already know when I could be watching something that only happens once in a while, what the fuck is wrong with me, seriously.

 **Player:** YAY WE GET TO RUN STRAIGHT AHEAD AGAIN!

 **Ventus:** Cooooooool. *lies down on back to watch the pretty meteor shower of pretty* Ahhh, nostalgia…nostalgic for what I have no idea but it’s nice. *falls asleep, then wakes up again* That was a nice nap. I am now gonna sit up, yawn widely, and fall back down again.

 **Aqua:** *elbow drops him* I’ve been watching you sleep.

 **Ventus:** WHAT THE FLYING FUCKING SHIT FUCK. *gets up in a kneeling position*

 **Aqua:** Gigglesnort.

 **Ventus:** Never. Do. That. Again.

 **Player:** …WTF just happened.

 **Aqua:** Ventus, you lazy jackass. I’m surprised the mosquitoes haven’t eaten you alive or something.

 **Ventus:** ...Speedy...I love you dearly...You're one of like three characters I still like on _Arrow_...but you're not the greatest voice actress.

 **Aqua:** Meh, give me ten years of wandering around in the darkness talking to myself, I'll get better.

 **Ventus:** M'kay. But…Did I really dream that place up?

 **Aqua:** …The fuck did that come from, what are you talking about.

 **Ventus:** Oh, sorry. I think I was either dreaming or remembering something about a place where I could see the stars really well, and I was looking up at them.

 **Aqua:** *ruffles his hair*

 **Ventus:** Hey, watch it, you have no _idea_ how long it takes to style it like this.

 **Aqua:** And yet you wake up with it perfectly in place every morning.

 **Ventus:** Shut your butt.

 **Aqua:** Besides, you’ve always been here with us aside from the time Master Xehanort brought you to this place and you had absolutely no memory.

 **Ventus:** Good times. Now let’s sit at the edge of this cliff that has no visible bottom in sight.

 **Aqua:** Sounds good to me.

 **Ventus:** …Aqua?

 **Aqua:** Yo?

 **Ventus:** …This might be a stupid question—

 **Aqua:** There are no stupid questions, only immensely stupid people.

 **Ventus:** …Right, but do you ever wonder what stars are? Where light comes from?

 **Aqua:** Ven, I don’t wonder, I know.

 **Ventus:** Oh. What are they?

 **Aqua:** They’re fireflies. Fireflies that got stuck up in that big bluish black thing.

 **Ventus:** Oh…Gee…I always thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away.

 **Aqua:** Ventus, with you, everything’s gas.

 **Terra:** *comes up from behind them* Have you forgotten this game’s fucked up mythos? Every star up there is supposed to be another planet or something. Even though we'd probably only be able to see planets within our own solar system and the rest would be _actual stars,_ nope, every single one's a planet now.

 **Aqua and Ventus:** … *look at each other and burst out laughing*

 **Aqua:** What mook made that up?

 **Tetsuya Nomura:** YOU _DARE_ TO QUESTION MY VAST KNOWLEDGE OF THE UNIVERSE?!

 **Aqua:** …No, sir, sorry, sir.

 **Terra:** Anyway, apparently the stars really are supposed to signify a shitload of different universes and stuff. Disney’s getting _really_ arrogant if they think they can make enough movies and franchises as there are stars in the sky. As is Sqeenix if they think they can make enough video games to create crossovers with. Also apparently planets have hearts, which makes complete and total sense and should not be questioned under any circumstances. And that’s what’s creating light rather than any kind of sun they might be orbiting around.

 **Hitler clones:** Of COURSE! Don’t you know anything about _science?!_

 **Ventus:** …I’m so fucking confused.

 **Terra:** You’re really shiny and you practically glow every time you smile.

 **Ventus:** Don’t you _dare_ encourage the slash fans this early!

 **Terra:** Please, they’d already gotten started as soon as our names and designs were released.

 **Ventus:** Doesn’t mean we should keep encouraging them!

 **Terra:** They’ll do whatever they want and we’re absolutely powerless to stop them.

 **Ventus:** Well fuck me then.

 **Terra:** Not now, I have a headache.

 **Aqua:** Gigglesnort.

 **Terra:** Stop getting turned on!

 **Aqua:** Oh like you haven’t imagined me with Xion or Kairi or something!

 **Terra:** …Point.

 **Ventus:** …Do I want to know?

 **Aqua and Terra:** No. No you really don’t.

 **Ventus, Aqua, and Terra:** LET US NOW LAUGH AWKWARDLY.

 **Starry sky:** …Hi. I exist.

 **Ventus, Aqua, and Terra:** And now we’re all sitting on the edge of this bottomless cliff. Lovely.

 **Aqua:** Oh fuck. Terra, I just remembered that you and I have our Mark of Mastery exams tomorrow and I totally didn’t study for it.

 **Ventus:** Just do it perfectly, and it should be fine.

 **Aqua:** I respect your opinion, and I hate it.

 **Terra:** Well if you’d bothered to even open your books, you wouldn’t suck quite so much, now would you?

 **Aqua:** Bookwork isn’t everything, you know, you need actual experience. So in order to ease the transition, I will be doing this thing known as Horribly Cheating. *holds up glass charms* These totally have cheat notes written all over one side. I now believe in myself now that I've made it easier for myself.

 **Terra:** I was wondering which one of us would crack.

 **Aqua:** I did. *throws him the yellow one*

 **Terra:** Huh. Wonder if the color yellow will bear any significance on my immediate future…Naaaah. Also HUFFLEPUFF REPRESENT, BITCHES!

 **Ventus:** What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

 **Aqua:** Yo, Slytherin, catch.

 **Ventus:** *catches the green one* Why would you give me a cheat sheet, I don’t have to take the exam yet.

 **Aqua:** Yeah, but now you’ll have some idea of what might be on the test when it _is_ your turn. I’m a Ravenclaw, I know these things. *holds out her own blue one*

 **Ventus:** It’s kind of nice how Gryffindor’s actually getting left out for once, they’re so overrepresented and overrated.

 **Terra:** Damn right! And I have a feeling we'll look at these any time we have a pensive moment when we're worried your friendship is falling apart!

 **Ventus:** How d'you figure that?

 **Terra:** Wait, what's that over there, is that the script?

 **Aqua:** So anyway, I heard of this island that grows star-shaped fruit, because that’s not unrealistic or anything. It totally represents bonding for life, though it seemed like it would be used in the romantic sense which is hopefully _not_ what I’m going for here since there are probably three million threesome fics involving the three of us without my help. But yeah, it’s totally supposed to symbolize that we’ll be friends forever and never drift apart or be torn apart by horrible circumstances in any way. Also it’s apparently a homing device. I’m a pretty slick inventor like that. Imagine trying to invent a homing device out of seashells, please, glass is _far_ more practical.

 **Terra:** Sometimes you’re such a girl, because guys don’t value their friends or anything that can remind them of their friendships at all.

 **Aqua:** Well if you think it’s too girly, you don’t _have_ to have it. You can just write your notes on your arm, because there’s no way it’ll be messed up and somehow the ink will end up all over our examiner’s face in a tasteful beard shape.

 **Ventus:** So is it a symbol of our friendship or what, you’re being kind of vague and confusing.

 **Aqua:** Think so. I did work a little magic on it.

 **Ventus:** Well sure there’s _some_ air magic, but I don’t think we have any water or earth magic in these games!

 **Aqua:** No, somehow I used the magic of an unbreakable connection.

 **Terra:** …What even is that?

 **Aqua:** I have no idea. Now watch as I hold my charm up to the sky for no real reason.

 **Ventus:** AND THEY'RE CALLED WAYFINDERS THAT'S SO EPIC I WANNA REWATCH _MOANA_ SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. _Man_ that would've been perfect to include in this game...

 **Aqua:** Tell me about it, I'd advocate for a level in KHIII if that wasn't gonna just push it back _more._

 **Ventus:** Right?

 **Terra:** So. Exam. We should probably practice for the practical.

 **Ventus:** I’ll take you on even though you should be sparring with Aqua seeing as she’s also taking the exam and I’m not.

 **Terra:** Awesomesauce.

 **Player:** …Why am I now playing Terra.

 **Ventus (again, almost typed Roxas):** Come on, quit being a pussy and actually kick my ass already!

 **Aqua:** Hey you know what’s awesome? Murdering teenagers.

 **Terra:** YEAH!

 **Aqua:** Also stop staring at my ass.

 **Player:** Can't help it, that's where the camera was focusing.

 **Aqua:** *kills camera* Now then, let’s see how you fare against multiple enemies, since it’s pretty rare that we’d be fighting only one Heartless—I mean Unversed. Yeah. We totally needed a different enemy to add an additional layer of confusion. Oh and also you're really only going to be fighting one character right now anyway so fuck that entire lead-up.

 **Player:** I AM PLAYING AS AN ACTUAL STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER IN A KINGDOM HEARTS GAME WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

 **Aqua:** *uses BUBBLE. It’s super effective!*

 **Terra:** Okay, now let’s kick the shit out of each other.

 **Ventus:** Imma slice your asshole off!

 **Terra:** …The butthole? Off?

 **Player:** *chooses Ventus because they have no idea why he looks like Roxas and want to know moar*

 **Ventus:** *proceeds to kick Terra’s ass* You are so gonna fail tomorrow.

 **Terra:** No! We're better than this! We swear we are!

 **Aqua:** No we're not! Man do we need to improve. Hey, Ven, want to spar with me now?

 **Ventus:** No. Piss off.

 **Aqua:** Indubitably, I have deduced that you are a bitch.

 **Ventus:** Now that I’ve completely dominated Terra and didn’t even bother to test Aqua, I have determined that both of you will pass with flying colors and there is no need for me to take either of your places.

 **Terra:** Damn straight.

 **Aqua:** It’s like our master said. Power is born within the heart and has absolutely nothing to do with building up your muscles and magic abilities so you can effectively use that power. When the time is right, you just need to shove your head up your own ass in order to look inside yourself properly, and you will miraculously gain power that way.

 **Ventus:** …I’m not sure that’s how it works—

 **Aqua:** DON’T QUESTION ME, BITCH!

 **Player:** …We level up by using a dice game thing? Seriously? Oh, it’s just an optional way to level up abilities, okay then. Eh, still has to be better than the sphere grid — OMFG I NEVER SAW A SAVE POINT BEFORE!

 **Ventus:** I don’t really know how we’re rationalizing these things as an actual existing entity that can somehow bring us back from the dead if we were to die, but I do believe that we shouldn’t lose track of shit that’s gone down. So we better remember it in that green circle of light over there, and mark that as the only place we can remember things. This is especially worrying for me. Remember that time I turned up on your doorstep with amnesia?

 **Terra and Aqua:** Good times.

 **Ventus:** *staring at the sky* Did the meteor shower end or what?

 **Terra:** Iunno but we need sleep, so…

 **Ventus:** I’ll come too, since I fell asleep out here once already.

 **Meteor shower:** Nope, still going on a little bit.

 **Aqua:** It is pretty. As is this thing I made, obviously keeping the superior color for myself. Oh, and I’m reflecting that the other two and I will always be together except we really won’t.

 **Aqua, Terra, and Ventus:** This shit all goes downhill from here.

~Huh, wonder why they said that. It’s not as though everything’s a foregone conclusion just because it’s a prequel or anything.~

 **Mickey:** …Why am I floating on a book? Shoutout to _Fantasia?_ Thought that wasn't till 3D.

 **Whirlpool:** Haaaaaaaaai.

 **Mickey:** Oh fuck a duck.

 **Donald:** HEY!

 **Mickey:** You’re blissfully not in this game all that much, do shut the fuck up. Shit, my book’s gone…and now I’m in Master Noiti Sopxe’s office. Yeah, that makes sense.

 **Master Noiti Sopxe:** Sigh.

 **Mickey:** LOL.

 **Master Noiti Sopxe:** …

 **Mickey:** …

 **Master Noiti Sopxe:** …GAH! I was totally not sleeping just now!

 **Mickey:** Fucking old people.

 **Master Noiti Sopxe:** Anyway, I have a feeling that the second-most depressing game of the franchise is about to have shit rapidly get real.

 **Mickey:** That's a darn.

 **Pots:** WE EXIST.

 **Camera:** Hey look, it’s Master Noiti Sopxe’s office. We’ve _never_ seen that before!

 **Star shaped window:** I am impractically shaped.

 **Stars:** Are we supposed to symbolize planets or the three main characters? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, NOMURA!

~I don’t think he knows how.~


	2. Hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **OKAY BUT TOY STORY THO:** Code MENT, Spoony Experiment, Super Best Friends Play, _Naruto, Firefly,_ Suburban Knights, _Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Sherlock,_ the Marx Brothers, Sleepy Cabin, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oh right, we have a new game to play.~

**Player:** FINALLY! Now to choose Ventus because he looks like Roxas and I want to know why. *chooses Ventus because he looks like Roxas and they want to know why*

~It’s gonna be Ven, then Aqua, then Terra. A lot of these parodies are based on how I actually played the games. Fuck your chronology.~

**Stain glass window:** IT IS MORNING.

**Ventus:** I’m standing off to the side, bored out of my mind.

**Master Xehanort:** Hi, I’m blatantly the villain.

**Ventus:** Lyke no wai.

**Footsteps:** Hey.

**Ventus:** HOLY SHIT. *stands at attention*

**Master Eraqus:** I have feet. I also look like a badass samurai or something. Also I’m voiced by Mark Hamill and am therefore made entirely of awesome aside from the fact that I’m a brainless idiot. Anyway, today you two will be examined for the Mark of Mastery. It’s not a competition, I just want you to kick each other’s asses. It isn’t a test of wills, but a test of heart, because willpower has nothing to do with achieving your goals. Both of you may pass, or you could both fail, I don’t really care either way. You are, after all, the youngest to try for the Mark in years, and I’m sure you don’t want to disappoint poor old Master Xehanort who has traveled such a long way to watch you. No pressure!

**Master Xehanort:** Still noticeably evil!

**Spoony:** Seriously, I mean look at him! He’s like the most obvious villain I’ve ever seen since Ben Kingsley in _Prince of Persia!_ Who would be stupid enough to trust that asshole? *takes drink*

**Master Eraqus:** He is our honored guest and you shall treat him with the greatest amount of respect possible.

**Spoony:** *spits out drink*

**Master Eraqus:** *is basically Square backwards with a slight change to make it pronounceable in English, like how Yen Sid is Disney backwards. Eraqus is modeled after Hironobu Sakaguchi, creator of the pretty, pretty franchise that is Final Fantasy. Because of this, I have renamed this character Master Ecivresnaf* Y’all ready for this?

**Aqua and Terra:** Let’s just fail and get it over with.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** That’s the spirit! *powers up his own Keyblade and summons five balls of light*

**Terra:** *prepares Earthshaker* So, what, because there’s an odd number, whoever takes out the most wins or something?

**Aqua:** *prepares Rainfell* Or maybe whoever lets the other have the most wins?

**Master Xehanort:** How does no one notice me transparently fucking with everything.

**Balls of light:** *suddenly have a black aura surrounding them*

**Terra and Aqua:** …The fuck what.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** …Okay, something is clearly very very wrong. I will do nothing to stop it and conduct an investigation; instead, I’ll just let my students fail even harder. Should be fun.

**Master Xehanort:** All according to keikaku.

**Terra and Aqua:** Meh, we still got this I guess.

**One of the balls of not-light:** *heads in Ven’s direction*

**Terra and Aqua:** Ah, shit!

**Ventus:** Meh. *summons Wayward Wind and destroys it instantly* Guys, what happened to your focus? Fucking concentrate already!

**Aqua:** But Ven, despite you taking out one of those things instantaneously in one hit when it takes us several seconds of chasing it around and hitting it multiple times t destroy one, I’m still convinced you’re an incompetent baby kid! Go to your room, tiny child person!

**Ventus:** Uh-uh, I’m watching you two become masters and that’s final! And also maybe Master Ecivresnaf will consider me for mastery if I do well here…

**Master Ecivresnaf:** What was that impossible scenario that’ll never happen that I couldn’t have just heard because no?

**Ventus:** Nothing, sir!

**Terra:** Eh, let him. He’s gonna have to go through a real tutorial stage sooner or later anyway, and these things don’t hold back like we always do.

**Ventus:** What he said!

**Aqua:** Okay, fine, but only because neither of the masters are calling it off in any case.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** SPILL BLOOD ALREADY!

**Ventus:** All right, let’s do this! *takes several seconds and several attempts to even destroy one* Hurg. Why are cutscene powers so inconsistent. *finally notices the way he holds Wayward Wind* …When I hold it like this, it seems like a really impractical way to hold a weapon of this size, and it would be better to hold it normally and just stab outwards. Were they _that_ desperate to make me have a different fighting style that they went with one that is entirely unrealistic?

**Terra and Aqua:** *pass out at least once*

**Ventus:** Damn it, too bad phoenix downs don’t exist…Yo, Master, shouldn’t they be disqualified for dying or whatever?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Probably. And frankly they should also be disqualified since someone else transparently interrupted their session. At the very least I should be helping the person who is not yet skilled enough to take this exam…Eh, I don’t really care all that much. *goes back to playing UX* This is getting increasingly pay-to-win and I am annoyed. Oooh, pirate bandana!

**Ventus:** I KILLED THE LAST ONE WITHOUT EVER DYING I’M THE BEST.

**Terra and Aqua:** WE’RE MAGICALLY ALIVE NOW!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** That happened. And I decided to let that happen to test how you’d react to the thing happening because I’m a huge dick. Now, time for the next round. I sure hope you guys’ve truly become close friends over the years!

**Terra and Aqua:** We sure have!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Excellent! ‘Cause now you gotta try and kill each other.

**Ventus:** Ah shit, they’re not gonna be happy about tha—

**Terra and Aqua:** AW YEAH, LET’S DO THIS SHIT!

**Ventus:** …I’ve been wrong before.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Okay, as you’re about to murder your best friend/possible love interest even though I personally don’t buy it, remember that no matter what happens, you’re both losers and will always be losers and it’s just a matter of which of you loses more. Now DO THE THING!

**Terra and Aqua:** *begin a sick fighting cutscene*

**Ventus:** Wow, I can’t wait until I’m done playing as myself and I can actually participate in this sick fight!

**Game devs:** Pfft!

**Ventus:** …What, what’d I say?

**Aqua:** *is easily dominating the fight*

**Terra:** Shit, she’s easily dominating the fight. *summons some dark energy in his hand* …Nah, I wanna win this fairly. *cancels the attack*

**Master Xehanort:** _Dayum_ I want that body.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** When did Orochimaru get here.

**Ventus:** No, don’t fade to black, I wanna see the rest of this!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Tough, we’re done now. And we’re gonna let Aqua continue to be a glass ceiling-breaking badass while Terra has to go back to basics.

**Aqua:** YEAH SON — I mean that’s such a shame.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Terra, you were about to use the darkness within you, but you realized that this would be a very bad idea and swiftly quenched the notion. THIS MEANS YOU FAILED TO KEEP IT IN CHECK. So…try again next year, I guess, whatever.

**Terra:** Didja ever consider that by not promoting me you are in fact further nurturing the darkness within me, specifically the kind born from envy?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I — Hmm…

**Master Xehanort:** *starts to leave*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Aqua, since you’ve gotten a promotion, you gotta learn new shit, mostly boring bureaucratic garbage that we all have to know and rarely apply. Stick around, I’ll be right back. *fucks off*

**Aqua:** Hey, thanks for making me feel shitty about my hard-earned promotion, asshat.

**Ventus:** She _is_ a better character than you and you know it.

**Terra:** Apparently this was the first time the darkness even made an appearance, which was not cool at all.

**Camera:** *moves to follow Master Xehanort instead*

**Master Xehanort:** So what did you think of Ventus?

**Vanitas:** *holding his helmet on his hip* Who gives a fuck? Unless he gets some real experience, he’ll never amount to shit. And since we know he’s never gonna be allowed off-planet, I _could_ beat the shit out of him right here and now—

**Master Xehanort:** No you won’t. I have to keep up the appearance of being _entirely fucking evil_ and miraculously no one notices.

**Spoony:** What the fuck is wrong with all of you?! What do you _need?!_ Some gigantic thunderclap whenever he enters the room?! See, _this_ is what I’m talking about! These characters are either insane or so hopelessly stupid that they _deserve_ to lose to a villain this transparently evil!

**Vanitas:** Whatever. *puts his helmet back on* So I’ll just make him leave the planet on his own, then. Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ve got a cunning plan…

**Aqua:** Seriously, are you gonna conglaturate me on my hard-earned promotion or what? We’re not gonna have another badass female character for another ten years, and no one will even remember her so really it’ll be _eleven years_ until Mulan is ruined!

**Terra:** Neither of you are helping and I am leaving now. *leaves now*

**Ventus:** …Well _I_ wanna conglaturate you but he just made me feel like shit.

**Aqua:** Me too.

**Ventus:** I AM IN MY ROOM NOW! *swings Terra’s old training Keyblade around for no reason* Sigh-face.

**Bells:** *start ringing*

**Ventus:** Huh, wonder what’s happening. *starts to leave*

**Vanitas:** You should hurry and leave.

**Ventus:** …I was? And also who are you and what are you doing in my room.

**Vanitas:** Oh, I’ve been watching you for some time now, while you played with that little toy of yours.

**Ventus:** …That's spooky.

**Ventus:** Did you get the big frighten?

**Ventus:** I got a tiny frighten. So if you could just answer the questions—

**Vanitas:** Terra will either die or turn evil if you don’t go down to him right the fuck now.

**Ventus:** Is that a threat?

**Vanitas:** It’s a promise. He’s gonna surpass you so quickly that by the time you meet up again he’ll have done so many horrible things as to be unrecognizable. 

**Ventus:** I am disbelief. _I_ actually know Terra. So how ‘bout you and me fight, right here, right now.

**Vanitas:** God. Can you imagine?

**Ventus:** I can.

**Vanitas:** Me too. But you can't, I don't even think you have the ability to. That's not even rude. That's a little rude. Point is I’m your final boss so you’ll have to wait anyway. Also how ‘bout you actually _go the fuck out into the universe and experience new things for yourself, you sheltered piece of garbage._ *summons a Dark Corridor and peaces out*

**Ventus:** …I’d hurry after Terra, but I have to have a flashback first.

**Flashback Terra:** YEAH WE’RE FIGHTING TOGETHER!

**Flashback Ventus:** YEAH! Except your scolding is making me cry.

**Flashback Terra:** Okay, yeah, I was a little harsh. Here, let me mess up your hair even more. Look, you learn the difference between constructive criticism and me bringing you down for the sake of bringing you down, and I’ll learn to word the actual criticism more nicely, ‘kay?

**Different Flashback Ventus:** Did you know that if you grab a rabbit and spin it around three hundred and sixty degrees for five minutes, you can hypnotize it for up to ten minutes?

**Different Flashback Terra:** _…No!_

**Different Flashback Ventus:** It’ll basically do whatever you want.

**Different Flashback Terra:** Why do you know that?!

**Different Flashback Ventus:** It doesn’t matter why I know that.

**Present Ventus:** Good times, good times…AH SHIT I NEED TO GO AFTER TERRA! *runs outside* TEEERRAAAAAAAA!

**Terra:** ‘Sup?

**Ventus:** *bends over to catch his breath* I really, _really_ need to talk to you about something, you have no idea how important this is—

**Terra:** *ruffles his hair* Whatever. *smiles at him, then slowly turns away and activates his armor by punching his shoulder armor thing with his fist* Oh yeah, who looks sick awesome? I look sick awesome.

**Ventus:** Are you just gonna do that thing where you act like a cool guy and everyone’s like, “You are _not_ cool. Why are you _being_ cool.”

**Terra:** Probably. *raises Earthshaker which shoots out a beam of light into the sky, creating a portal, and throws Earthshaker into the air creating a kind of space motorcycle type thing*

**Ventus:** …Fuck it, Terra. You’re so cool. Stop being so cool!

**Terra:** Never. *jumps on the space motorcycle and blasts into space*

**Ventus:** …I JUST REALIZED THAT I HAD SO MUCH TIME TO JUST SHOUT WHAT I WANTED TO SAY AT HIM WHILE HE WAS LEAVING SO MAYBE HE WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT. FUCK. *smacks his own shoulder pad thing and activates his own awesome-tastic armor for evidently the first time* Wow, I didn’t mean to fill myself up with Cool Guy Juice here…Also I wish I could take back that sentence… *summons Wayward Wind and throws it up into the air where it transforms into a sick space hoverboard the thing which he immediately jumps on*

**Aqua:** DON’T DO IT, SHITLORD!

**Ventus:** TOO LATE, BITCH!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Aw, fuck nuggets.

**Ventus:** YEAH SPACE PORTAL! *takes Terra’s space portal into space*

**Aqua:** Apparently this caused you to D-Link with me!

**Ventus:** What the fuck is a D-Link?

**Aqua:** It’s where you can leech off people’s powers and gain some of their shit, and sometimes it grants you really fucking good side-abilities that unfortunately only last as long as you’re linked up.

**Ventus:** Linked up…Is that like a sex thing?

**Aqua:** Nope, we’re too far away. It’s like our hearts momentarily connect or something sappy like that.

**Ventus:** Ah. Neat.

**Terra:** And you got one with me as well!

**Ventus:** Also neat. How are we talking to each other right now.

**Terra and Aqua:** Iunno.

~WE ARE NOW IN SPACE SHIT CAN ACTUALLY START TO HAPPEN NOW!~

**Ventus:** Ooooh, what’s this Command Board option thing do?

~…Or not…~

**Ventus:** *goes through tutorial section* …This sounds insanely complicated. I’ll probably fail a few times before I figure out what I’m doing. Ah well, might as well hop to it.

**Terra and Aqua:** HEY VEN!

**Ventus:** HEY GUYS! You’re here too, huh?

**Terra:** Looks like!

**Aqua:** This is nice, this’ll be like we’re actually hanging out together! I know we do in the prologue, but apart from that one section and a couple of shared flashbacks, our friendship is always told rather than shown. This’ll be some fun, tangible interaction with each other!

**Ventus:** Sweet. So the game’s giving me the option to fuck with the order we play in, should I actually try to go first, or…?

**Terra:** Don’t look at me, I’ve never played this before. Keyblade Master?

**Aqua:** Me neither, actually.

**Ventus:** Okay, shuffling anyway…Aqua, you’re first, I’m second, and Terra, as usual, is last.

**Terra:** Oh joy of joys.

**Aqua:** Okay, I’ll roll…And I’ve already got one of the colors I need, ha!

**Ventus:** Shit. *rolls a low number* Shit! *plays a command*

**Terra:** And I’m somehow doing better than both of you already.

**Ventus:** _Shiiiiit_ …Let’s try one of these hand things…Hey, two dice! *plays hand* …Seven. Eh, still not bad. Hey, two colors! Kablams!

**Aqua:** And yet with this move I’m still in the lead because I played first.

**Terra:** Crap. Definitely something to note later: Always play first.

**Ventus:** Apparently. *double rolls again* FUCK YEAH ELEVEN! *gets in first* You guys look like shit. Bams. Bams. Kablam. Wham-bam. Thank you ma’am.

~Three hours later…~

**Aqua:** So what if we’ve all been around the board several times now and you’re in the lead, I also have over the number of points needed to win and I’m way closer to the starting point—

**Ventus:** FUCK YEAH SPECIAL PANEL! *automatically activates Keyblade Glider*

**Aqua:** No, Ven! We’re friends! We’re best friends!

**Ventus:** There’s not a single thing you’ve ever done for me.

**Aqua:** …I think I got you movie tickets once!

**Terra and Ventus:** *laugh*

**Ventus:** *chooses to land on the Start Panel* AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! I win.

**Aqua:** Yeah, by being a total scumbag.

**Terra:** Another thing learned: Pure scumbag tactics are the only way to win.

**Ventus:** I didn’t win; _you_ lost! I thought that I would lose, but you’re the loser.

**Aqua:** I lost.

**Terra:** …So we should do this again sometime! Like at the Mirage Arena or some shit!

**Ventus:** I agree.

**Aqua:** See you guys there I guess!

~Well that was a huge waste of time aside from the occasional new ability and you can’t convince me otherwise. Fun, though.~


	3. To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I Don't Know About The Rest Of You But I'm Starting To Get Really Sick Of UX:** _Firefly, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Sherlock,_ Super Best Friends Play, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Super Best Funtime Adventures, _Duck Soup,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Hey, was I supposed to be doing something?~

**Ventus:** *exits the command board* Yay, that was fun, I love those guys. And now time to actually try going to another fucking planet. *goes to the Dwarf Woodlands* Heh, figures that the first time I try to go out on my own I’d end up on a deserted wasteland. *looks down from the ledge he was standing on* That is apparently populated entirely by little people.

**Seven dwarves:** _High ho, high ho, it’s off to work we go…_

**Ventus:** YAY I’M TALLER THAN SOMEONE! Ha ha, I’m going straight to hell.

**Shepherd Book:** *pops in* The _special_ hell. *vanishes*

**Ventus:** Aw, I miss him.

**Dwarf Woodlands title card:** Yeah, we tried calling this planet the Dwarf Woodlands, but you’re still gonna call it the Snow White planet, I don’t really know why we’re bothering.

**Ventus:** Aaaaand there are monsters here. Neat. As much as I’d like to stick around and level up, this _is_ set to Critical and I don’t see a save point anywhere. So. *enters the mines*

**Seven dwarves:** *are mining. In the mine. Who’da thunk*

**Doc:** …Dafuq are you.

**Ventus:** I’m Ventus. Call me Ven.

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Grumpy:** I am realistically expecting you to be after our loot! EVERYONE! RUN LIKE CHILDREN!

**Seven dwarves:** *scatter and run around like crazy*

**Dopey:** *runs directly into a wall*

**Ventus:** Look, you got it all wrong, I’m not a thief, okay?

**Happy:** Doesn't matter, you're in for some cowardice. That's what you're in for, sir.

**Bashful:** You do seem kind of suspicious, is all.

**Ventus:** Well that’s mean, judging someone like that before you get to know them. It’s not as though someone who looks exactly like me is going to end up working for a known evil organization or some shit. I’m just looking for a friend of mine named Terra. He’s…not at all dressed like me, come to think of it, but he’s ridiculously tall and has a really dumb haircut and—

**Grumpy:** You’re a lying liar who lies! GTFO!

**Sneezy:** Seriously, though, we don’t know anyone like the person you’re describing.

**Ventus:** Huh, doesn’t look like they’ve seen him, and they seem wary of strangers. I guess the best thing to do would be to force my presence on them even though I shouldn’t be interfering with what’s going on on other planets.

**Grumpy:** He wants us to come into killing range now!

**Ventus:** Fuck it. Time to beat the shit out of all of you! *chases after them deep into the mines*

**Dopey:** *never actually went deeper into the mines* ELLIPSIS.

**Ventus:** Heh, why does that make me giggle for some reason. Also WHY ARE THERE MORE MONSTERS HERE THIS SUCKS. *tries out the D-Links* YEAH AQUA KNOWS CURA ALREADY.

**Aqua:** I weirdly don’t, actually, that would’ve come in handy so I didn’t die fifteen times in a row.

**Ventus:** Eh, walk it off. *repeatedly hits the wooden box Happy’s hiding in so hard it breaks apart around him and possibly causes severe injuries in the process*

**Happy:** I don’t think I’ve ever met a nicer person in my entire life and I pledge my loyalty to you forever.

**Ventus:** If you’re Happy, why are your eyebrows indicating severe anger?

**Happy:** I DON’T KNOW.

**Ventus:** … *hits a box that isn’t moving*

**Sleepy:** I could’ve been in a coma, you don’t know!

**Ventus:** Whatever. *destroys another crate running around next to him*

**Doc:** OVER THAT BOY HAND!

**Ventus:** …Eh?

**Doc:** We don’t know the person you’re looking for, okay?! Now would you stop attempting to murder my men?!

**Ventus:** Enh…. _naaaaaaah._ *destroys another crate*

**Grumpy:** Well don’t you suck at everything. Also don’t steal our diamonds.

**Ventus:** I’M _NOT!_ And diamonds actually aren't worth that much, you dumb dwarf. *destroys one more crate that’s leaping into the air constantly with the pressure of Sneezy’s sneezes*

**Sneezy:** It’s official, I’m allergic to you as well.

**Ventus:** Lovely. *goes over to the mine cart and beats the shit out of that, though it takes several tries because it keeps disappearing and you can’t stand in front of it or you take damage* WHY IS THIS SO ANNOYING.

**Bashful:** I need confirmation on my creepy sex things.

**Ventus:** You make me sad. *is magically in front of all of them in the front area of the mines* Look, I’m not a thief! I’m just an extremely violent person who likes beating people up if they don’t want to talk to me!

**Grumpy:** You’re a fucking psychopath, aren’t you!

**Ventus:** High functioning sociopath. With your number. And fine, I know when I’m not wanted. Which is why I stuck around in order to nearly violently kill all of you the first several times you rejected my advances. *turns to leave* But at least tell me where I can find other, more agreeable, people around here?

**Doc:** KING ILLEGAL FOREST TO PIG WILD KILL IN IT A IS!

**Ventus:** …

**Doc:** There’s a castle on the other side of the forest.

**Ventus:** Ah. Kay thanks bye. *leaves and then immediately goes back in so he can level up to like fifteen or something* Huh, looks like my abilities are leveling up as well. It’s like equipping weapons and armor in FFIX until you keep the abilities forever, that’s actually a really good system, I enjoy it, it gives you something else to focus on besides just leveling up normally.

**Moogle:** And then you can buy the abilities you’ve already found/melded, kupo!

**Ventus:** Why am I not questioning your existence — Wait, what did you say about melding?

**Moogle:** …This is your first time actually playing this game, isn’t it, kupo.

**Ventus:** Yeah?

**Moogle:** …And you’re immediately starting on Critical, kupo.

**Ventus:** I am not smart.

**Moogle:** No arguments here, kupo.

**Ventus:** Dine on a dong. *eventually goes to explore the rest of the planet and comes upon the dwarves’ cottage* Huh. Cute.

**High-pitched scream:** *is heard*

**Ventus:** *takes sweet-ass time exploring the surrounding area and breaking into a house to steal all the dwarves shit before bothering to check up on the person who is clearly in trouble* I AM SUCH AN APPEALING CHARACTER! *goes through the forest and eventually comes across Snow White crying on the ground*

**Snow White:** I so prefer my _Once Upon A Time_ persona…

**Ventus:** You okay, lady?

**Snow White:** I have no idea if the trees actually attacked me or if it was my mind playing tricks on me because of the FEAH.

**Ventus (nearly typed Roxas again):** My money’s on the second one. We all have hallucinations of even more terrifying abominations when we’re terrified out of our minds. *offers her a hand up*

**Snow White:** True dat, yo. *accepts Ventus’s help and stands, and is even shorter than tiny little Ventus (almost typed Roxas _again_ ), reinforcing the point that she’s _fourteen_ * I AM COMPLETELY CURED NOW. Except I’ve kind of run away from my murderous stepmother who quite seriously wants to tear out my heart and crush it so…

**Ventus:** …Erm, why?

**Snow White:** Well her mother wanted her to marry into royalty but she wanted to marry the stable boy and I kind of accidentally snitched on her because I didn’t understand what was going on so her mother ended up killing the stable boy — I mean she’s super jelly because I’m hotter than she is.

**Ventus:** …You’re like fourteen.

**Snow White:** Eligible marrying age, yes.

**Ventus:** Gross.

**Snow White:** Stiiiiiill need a place to sleep.

**Ventus:** I just broke into a house not far from here, maybe we can check that out? Oh, my name’s Ventus, by the way, but you can call me Ven.

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Snow White:** Snow White.

**Ventus:** That’s a weird name.

**Snow White:** Yes it is.

**Ventus:** Also you have the worst voice I’ve ever heard. Not voice acting, that’s Aqua, but the worst actual voice.

**Snow White:** Donald Duck.

**Ventus:** …I’ve been wrong before. Anyway, let’s go!

**Snow White:** You seem really excited about this escort mission.

**Ventus:** What escort missi—Oh. Oh fuck.

**Snow White:** What?

**Ventus:** What do you mean, what? Escort missions are fucking dog garbage! *cuts through some Unversed* Garbage that’s been collected by hyper intelligent dog AI!

**Snow White:** *taking damage from a tree that did come to life after all, which is kind of awesome, actually* Whoa, whoa, lay off the dog patriots, man. You know, you’re being awfully harsh on escort missions; they’re not really that bad—

**Ventus:** *uses White Calm to make the tree stop and runs forward again to kill the Unversed he missed earlier because he had to protect Snow White’s dumb ass* They’re literally the worst thing that’s ever been created by a human! *has to run back and kill _more_ while Snow White’s just frozen in place and taking massive damage* I’d rather have my limp, trembling body be spooned to death by Mike Tyson.

**Snow White:** * _finally_ starts to move again* Jeez, man!

**Ventus:** *finally gets her out of that tiny-ass area* All right, look, I’m sorry I had to lay all that out on you, but escort missions are the _worst!_ Taking care of moronic drooling fucking children like you? I have _no_ tolerance for that! None! Also we’re here, check out this sick cottage thing.

**Snow White:** It sure is a sick cottage thing.

**Ventus:** I wonder why I’m not mentioning that seven old men already live here.

**Snow White:** That would definitely give anyone with any sense second thoughts.

**Ventus:** Oh well, it’s not important anyway. *goes outside briefly and while he’s gone the seven dwarves come home*

**Grumpy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Happy:** Boy it sure is nice how we apparently clean regularly anyway so there isn’t animal residue everywhere this time around!

**Dopey:** ELLIPSIS!

**Grumpy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Happy:** Oh, you.

**Doc:** *goes upstairs for some reason* …A teenage girl is asleep in our beds. Grumpy, what the hell did you do.

**Grumpy:** WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASSUME IT WAS ME. WE ALL KNOW BASHFUL’S THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.

**Bashful:** Gosh, you’re not wrong! *blushes* But not this time, though.

**Ventus:** I’m back now! Oh hey guys.

**Grumpy:** I believe I told you to GTFO? WELL WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T YOU YET.

**Snow White:** He ain’t no thief! He put up with an escort mission for me!

**Doc:** So? He could still be a thief and just have a weakness for protecting young girls, Princess.

**Ventus:** Now that’s not…Wait, did I just save a _princess?_

**Grumpy:** BE GONE, AND NEVER DARKEN OUR TOWELS AGAIN!

**Snow White:** Guys, he saved me when I ran away into the woods, okay, lay off.

**Ventus:** Yeah, I know your stepmother wants you dead, but how’d you end up in the woods in the first place?

**Snow White:** I was picking flowers, and then this stranger with dumbass hair stopped to talk to me. He seemed nice enough, but then he drew this giant sword and I ran off screaming. I don’t even know if I saw the monsters he was trying to defend me from before I hit the actual forest itself.

**Ventus:** A sword like a key…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…toast…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…HOLY FUCK YOU SAW TERRA.

**Doc:** So this guy summoned a buncha demons and send them after ya?

**Ventus:** Can’t be, Terra doesn’t have the ability to do that.

**Snow White:** I instantly believe you.

**Doc:** You really have a white knight complex, doncha.

**Grumpy:** Can we just murder him yet? Get this fucking guy out of my house, he smells.

**Ventus:** Nyang. *runs away and then instantly heads back in to talk to the people who want nothing to do with him*

**Doc:** We can look after Snow White from now on.

**Ventus:** Well I don’t think this is meant to be _permanent_ , but okay.

**Dopey:** Ellipsis.

**Ventus:** I can get behind that.

**Sneezy:** The Princess is so pretty, I almost forgot to—ACHOO!

**Ventus:** Interesting.

**Sleepy:** Since we started helpin’ the Princess, I wake up bright and early every morning!

**Ventus:** Since the three seconds I left?

**Bashful:** Gosh, Snow White sure is nice…

**Ventus:** She’s also fourteen.

**Bashful:** Eligible marrying age, yes.

**Ventus:** Gross.

**Happy:** Snow White bakes the best gooseberry pies we’ve ever tasted.

**Ventus:** She must be good if she can bake an entire pie in three fucking seconds.

**Grumpy:** It’s you again, ya thief! Whaddaya want?

**Ventus:** …For you to notice me, senpai? I’ve been talking to everyone else in the house for the past several minutes…

**Snow White:** Thank you again for coming to my rescue. Did you find your friend?

**Ventus:** In the _three seconds since I’ve been gone?!_

**Snow White:** Mm-hmm!

**Ventus:** …You’re a smart one, aintcha. *finally decides to head back into the woods*

**Mad Treant:** ‘Sup.

**Ventus:** Oh great. Sure hope fifteen’s enough for this… *D-Links with Aqua for the sake of Cura and kind of just bashes it to death* YAY I DID THE THING. *goes into the next area* YO, TERRA! YOU HERE, BRO?

**Terra:** Actually, there’s every chance I’m back here leveling up, but for some reason you’ll never see me, it’s weird. Also if you’d just blown past Snow when you initially found her, you might’ve caught up to me.

**Ventus:** Fucking altruistic tendencies that don't even exist because altruism isn't real.

**Red apple:** *rolls next to him*

**Ventus:** Oh, I love apples! *picks it up and sees an old beggar woman who wasn’t in the area before*

**Basket of apples:** *exist*

**Ventus:** Yo, old timer! You dropped this.

**Evil Queen:** Eh? *turns around* Ah, right, forgot that I often just let my most prized possessions just roll away from me like that when most others would be constantly checking every seven seconds or so to make sure the object they’re carrying is still there. *snatches the apple out of his hands* THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD SO THANKS FOR RETURNING IT AND ALLOWING ME TO CONTINUE BEING EVIL. *cackles manically*

**Ventus:** Huh, despite her having a basket entirely full of apples, I don’t find this suspicious at all.

**Evil Queen:** That sword that’s not a sword sure looks familiar…

**Ventus:** A guy named Terra has something similar. You seen him around?

**Evil Queen:** Yeah, I asked him to do a thing in exchange for some information about a dude called Xehanort, but he didn’t do the thing, the prick.

**Ventus:** But Terra _always_ helps people, no matter who asks!

**Evil Queen:** Oh yeah, _that’ll_ never backfire.

**Ventus:** Of course not, why would it?

**Evil Queen:** You’re some kind of moron, you know that?

**Ventus:** Do you know where Terra went?

**Evil Queen:** Have you tried calling 1-800-UH-I-DUNNO?

**Ventus:** I have not.

**Evil Queen:** I’m gonna leave before my bowels explode again.

**Ventus:** Okay, have fun with that. *is sad; you can see it on his sadface* Terra, what the hell did you do.

**Snow White:** You have a D-Link with me now!

**Ventus:** Oh yeah, I’m sure I’ll use that a lot.

**Wayward Wind:** I now have the option to upgrade to Treasure Trove!

**Ventus:** Neat. Don't really like it much in this game but in UX I've grown weirdly fond of it. Now how the shit did that happen.

**Wayward Wind:** Iunno.

~How come it’s the only decent Keyblade upgrade until Radiant Garden.~


	4. Let

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Man What A Year Last Month Was:** Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _One Piece,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Harry Potter,_ Controller Rollers, Cinema Sins, _Les Miserables,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~I JUST REALIZED YOU CAN GO TO DIFFERENT WORLDS WITHOUT BULLSHIT GUMMI MISSION PIECES OF SHIT THIS IS SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME.~

**Ventus:** YAY TWO MORE PLANETS TO IMMEDIATELY GO TO WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HASSLE — Wait, _three_ planets? What’s this other one? *goes to it first because it’s clearly got nothing to do with actually progressing the plot*

**Mirage Arena:** OKAY, CHOOSE YOUR ARMOR COLOR.

**Ventus:** Sweet, will this be in effect for the whole game, including the amazing cinematic end of it?

**Mirage Arena:** …No, it’s just for here.

**Ventus:** Oh. That's disappointing. And…huh, I guess I actually look pretty good in purple. Let’s go with purple.

**Mirage Arena:** M’kay. Now you can get a lot of cool shit here, but the currency is the medals you win instead of regular munny. In order to get medals, you can either fight shit, do moar command board shenaniganry, or do Rumble Racing.

**Ventus:** But that’s not possible until Disney Town!

**Mirage Arena:** …No, it totally is, you can do every single one right the fuck now—

**Ventus:** And each command board is probably locked until in-game as well, right?

**Mirage Arena:** …Is this your first time playing or something?

**Ventus:** I know, I was an idiot to go to Critical first thing, shut up. *tries a fight and beats it* Neat, what’s the other fight that’s available? *sees that it’s four-stars whereas the one he just fought was one star* …I’ll come back some other time.

**Mirage Arena:** Of course you will.

**Ventus:** *goes back into space and checks out the Castle of Dreams* Okay, this one has a battle level of two so I guess it’s next.

**Title Card:** HOW GORGEOUS IS THIS FUCKING CASTLE, YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT.

**Cinderella:** I am the sad.

**Jaq:** Cinderelly! Cinderelly! Come hither! Come hither! *climbs from the mouse hole onto the bed*

**Cinderella:** ‘Sup, nerd.

**Jaq:** New guy. Notice how I’m not saying new mouse.

**Cinderella:** YAY NEW MICE!

**Jaq:** Huh boy.

**Cinderella:** Where she at?

**Jaq:** _He,_ don’t make me flash you. And your stepmother activated her trap card again.

**Cinderella:** Balls! *hurries to the door* I wonder why I’ve never questioned why the animals speak to me…

**Ventus:** *pacing in the mouse cage thing* You know, as mouse traps go, this isn’t that bad. Most I’ve encountered try to kill you instantly. In fact, I don’t really know if I actually register this as a mouse trap. *grasps the bars of the cage and peers out* HOW THE FUCK DID I GET SO _SMAAAAALL?!_

**Terra and Aqua:** I see no difference.

**Ro—Ventus:** Oh both of you can just go straight to hell. *takes another look at the cage* …Okay, I could totally slip through these bars, what the hell am I doing not trying to escape? Also I have a FUCKING KEY THAT CAN OPEN ANY LOCK, WHY AREN’T I USING IT.

**Door:** *opens*

**Ventus:** …That is one large woman. Shit, don’t look up her dress, don’t look up her dress…

**Cinderella:** *picks up the cage and tips it, sending Ventus careening to the other side*

**Ventus:** … _Ow?!_

**Cinderella:** Quit being a pussy. *opens cage* Huh, something that is quite clearly a tiny human. OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE JUST A WEIRD LOOKING MOUSE.

**Ventus:** You high on bleach or something?

**Cinderella:** More of a _One Piece_ fan, actually. Jaq, you talk to him. *throws the cage in Jaq’s general direction*

**Ventus:** _Jesus_ that woman’s got some pent-up aggression issues…What the fuck is that.

**Jaq:** *enters cage* Now, now, now. Rooka, rittle guy! Raker reesy!

**Ventus:** …What.

**Cinderella:** Read the subtitles that we can never take off ever, and never _stop_ reading them whenever this douchebag’s on screen.

**Ventus:** “Calm your shit, you moron.” Ah, gotcha.

**Jaq:** Hakuna matata, man, you got nothing to worry about! We suddenly like you! Cinderella likes _everyone!_ Which is kind of amazing to think that she’s this kind when she goes through so much shit all the time, but hey.

**Cinderella:** Look at how pretty my stepford smile is!

**Ventus:** That _is_ pretty, I almost believe it’s real!

**Cinderella:** That’s what I’m going for!

**Jaq:** Follow me now! Zugk-Zugk!

**Ventus:** …That didn’t translate, could you repeat that last part?

**Jaq:** My name’s Jaq!

**Ventus:** Apparently not…Oh, I’m Ventus. Call me Ven.

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Jaq:** …No, that’s not how it works. Cinderella has to name you.

**Cinderella:** I was thinking Octavius, Gus for short.

**Ventus:** …One, how is Gus short for Octavius. Two, I already have a fucking name and it’s never gonna be changed, got it? Three…is the real Gus gonna be eaten by Lucifer in this universe because I’m here? Am I responsible for the death of such a critical character in the Disney universe that everyone loves?!

**Jaq:** Actually I don’t really think anyone likes any of us mice. Anyway, if you need something, just ask.

**Ventus:** I need to get back to my original size.

**Jaq:** I don’t follow.

**Ventus:** Of course you don’t.

**Lady Tremaine:** YO, BITCH TITS.

**Cinderella:** Ah, slave labor time. I must piss off now. See you later if I get the chance, Ven. *leaves*

**Ventus:** …What did she mean by slave labor?

**Jaq:** Oh, it’s the worst. Every time she'd find a minute, that's the time that they begin it. *bursts into song*  
 _Cinderelly, Cinderelly_  
 _Night and day it's Cinderelly_  
 _Make the fire, fix the breakfast_  
 _Wash the dishes, do the mopping_  
 _And the sweeping and the dusting_  
 _They always keep her hopping_  
 _She goes around in circles_  
 _Till she's very, very dizzy_  
 _Still they holler_  
 _Keep a-busy Cinderelly!_

**Ventus:** …Really? We’re doing this?

**Jaq:** It’s the only way Disney can deliver halfway decent exposition!

**Ventus:** But she seemed so calm about it.

**Jaq:** Emotional repression. It’s that or be physically abused, I think, unfortunately. It’s not a healthy solution, but we’re not in a healthy world right now.

**Ventus:** Child-protective services not a thing, then?

**Jaq:** This is implied to be, like, mid to late 1800s.

**Ventus:** I will shut up.

**Jaq:** Also she’s got a dream, and it’s gonna come true one day!

**Ventus:** Sounds like my friend Terra! He’d go on and on about how he’d one day be a Keyblade Master, and he’d train his ass off daily to achieve that goal. So what’s Cinderella doing to achieve hers?

**Jaq:** Doing exactly as her stepmother and stepsisters order without question and minimal complaint, plus making clothes for us and making sure Lucifer doesn’t eat us.

**Ventus:** Ah, so her dream is to run a pet store and make cute outfits for animals?

**Jaq:** …Actually, I really just think her dream is to live as a normal person who’s not trapped by an abusive environment for at least one day.

**Ventus:** And she hasn’t run away yet because…?

**Jaq:** We probably wouldn’t last an hour without her. We’re kind of her only friends.

**Ventus:** Okay, that’s fair. Oh, um, have you seen a guy called Terra around here before?

**Jaq:** He’s not gonna be coming anywhere near this part of the planet, no matter how often you return.

**Ventus:** Poop.

**Jaq:** And now for the grand tour of the house! And by that I mean like two rooms and various mouse holes.

**Ventus:** Great… *follows Jaq through mouse hole* So this is most of the level, huh. Kind of cool, actually, this is a nice change from the norm of this series…Wait, where did Jaq go? Eh, I’m sure I’ll see him again in the next cutscene or something. And of _course_ some of the Unversed look like giant fucking shoes, don’t they, why wouldn’t they. *eyerolls* Damn it, there’s a chest up on that beam that I can’t reach…WHY CAN’T I JUMP GOOD. AND WHY WILL I NEED THE ABILITY TO FLY BEFORE I GAIN THIS ONE ITEM. FUCK. *goes into Cinderella’s room and is inexplicably on the window sill next to Jaq* _Dayum_ that’s a pretty castle.

**Jaq:** Yep, we got ourselves a monarchy up in this bitch.

**Ventus:** That makes two so far.

**Jaq:** And there’s a ball being held there tonight.

**Ventus:** Is Cinderella going to it?

**Jaq:** Well frankly it would technically be illegal for her not to, but…

**Cinderella:** *enters* You guys friendly-friends yet?

**Ventus:** If it weren’t for the subtitles, I probably wouldn’t have, but yeah, this guy’s all right.

**Jaq:** D’aaaaww, shucks!

**Cinderella:** Sick. *takes out her mother’s old dress and starts humming “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes”*

**Ventus:** That’s pretty.

**Cinderella:** Thanks. You know, every eligible maiden is to attend the ball at the palace tonight? And I’m nineteen so I’m more than eligible! Finally, I’ll get to be a normal girl for fucking once! *sighs happily* I guess dreams really do come true!

**Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella:** YO, BITCH TITS!

**Cinderella:** …Or not. Fuck… *leaves*

**Jaq:** Yeeeeaaaaaahh, she’s not going.

**Ventus:** Why, what’s wrong with that dress?

**Jaq:** It’s a little out of date and she was going to fix it to be a more modern style. Can’t do much about the lack of bustle, but otherwise…Hey, why don’t _we_ do it?

**Ventus:** Hell yeah! Searching for my friend who may or may not have turned evil can wait, I WANNA HELP MAKE A PRETTY DRESS. Though I don’t like the thought of fucking with such a delicate project…

**Jaq:** We got female mice that’ve already staked their claim on doing most of the actual fixing, since this came out in 1950 so times were different and shut up. It’ll just be our job to _find_ the shit they’re gonna use so they can fix the dress offscreen where you’ll never meet any of them!

**Ventus:** Great, let’s go!

**Jaq:** Zugk-Zugk! I’ll stay here and stare at the castle while you go find what we need!

**Ventus:** …What items would you like me to procure for you, you dick.

**Jaq:** We need like six pretty things, and they’ll be huge, so I hope you have Undetectable Extension Charms on your pockets or something.

**Ventus:** I do indeed! *jumps down*

**Jaq:** Ven-Ven! Careful Roos-a-fee!

**Ventus:** Hang on, I didn’t see the subtitles that time, what?

**Jaq:** _Lucifer,_ mean evil cat guy.

**Ventus:** They named the cat Lucifer? That’s not a nickname either, they actually named the cat _Lucifer?!_

**Jaq:** Hey, people name pets after their favorite book characters all the time!

**Ventus:** Hah, zing.

**Jaq:** So we need white sashes, lace, buttons, and pink fabric and thread. I’ll hold down the fort.

**Roxa** — _ **Ventus:**_ Right, this shouldn’t be too complicated at all. *jumps down and takes a look around* HOW DO THE MOOGLES KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME. And why does no one in any of the worlds question their presence. Or…Or am I the only one who can see them. What if they’re not real? WHAT IF THIS ENTIRE LIFE THAT I’M LIVING IS NOTHING MORE THAN AN ILLUSION. *jumps on ball of yarn and starts running around on it* …This is a thing I can apparently do now. Sure, why not. Hey cool, a sticker that I can actually fucking pick up. I’ll fuck around with that later.

**Jaq:** You’re going in the wrong direction.

**Ventus:** No I’m not. OH SHIT I TOTALLY AM! *goes back into the mouse hole and into the room he arrived in* YAY PINK FABRIC JUST LYING AROUND ON THE FLOOR this might actually be easier than I thought. And white lace on the couch, shabamzo. *uses ball of yarn to jump on stack of books to grab white ribbon* This would be so much easier if this wasn’t a room full of respawning enemies. *uses Sliding Dash to get to a table where there is clearly a visible mouse hole that somehow no one but Cinderella noticed because of course not, goes through the mousehole, and jumps on fork to get to a much higher level because sure let’s go with that* …And my first instinct is to knock the cheese out of this spider web because it’s the only way I’ll be able to jump on things later. Because spider webs can hold cheese chunks of this size. Naturally. HOW DID I GET THAT LOUIE STICKER THAT WAS PURE FUCKING LUCK. *makes his way back up to the highest part of the mouse hole and comes out on top of the wardrobe where he goes over to the shelf and grabs pink thread, and is instantly transported back to Cinderella’s room* OH THANK MERLIN I DON’T HAVE TO RUN ALL THE WAY BACK. Wait, there was a treasure chest on the other side of those books on that shelf. FUCK I EVENTUALLY HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK.

**Jaq:** We still need a pearl. So…Go get it I guess.

**Ventus:** Oh, no problem, I only had a little trouble finding everything that was needed, do you need anything else?

**Jaq:** Yes, a pearl, I just said.

**Ventus:** …Dick… *goes back to the wardrobe room*

**Lucifer:** *is suddenly sleeping in the middle of the floor and guarding a pearl*

**Roxas:** …Of course. That bead doesn’t even look like a real pearl, I don’t know what kind of stone it is but it ain’t that. Aaaaand I guess this is the boss fight? Kinda lame but whatever I guess. *still tries sneaking forward and waving his hand in front of Lucifer’s face before picking up the bead*

**Lucifer:** *opens his eyes the moment Ven turns around because of course*

**Jaq:** I’M HELPING! *throws yarn balls at Lucifer’s head to distract him and somehow it helps*

**Lucifer:** *smashes his body into the table Jaq was on*

**Jaq:** Balls! *falls to the floor* Ow my ass.

**Lucifer:** *goes to strike him*

**Jaq:** *has time to cower*

**Ventus:** *has time to save him and deflects Lucifer’s paw with his Keyblade* You had plenty of time, idiot, why’d you hesitate?!

**Jaq:** …Okay, that was badass.

**Ventus:** Jaq, take the worthless bead and run!

**Jaq:** Zugk-zugk! *takes it and runs*

**Lucifer:** *for some reason doesn’t change targets*

**Ventus:** *bashes him in the face, jumps on his back and sends him careening into the wall, and bashes him some more until he is dead*

**Lucifer:** *is not actually dead as we see him run away*

**Ventus:** YAY I DID THE THING.

**Jaq:** Not as satisfying as Bruno chasing him out of the attic window to his death, but at least he’s gone for the rest of the game apparently.

**Ventus:** My pleasure. What’s friendship without animal abuse, amirite?

**Jaq:** You said it!

**Ventus:** Now let’s magically fix that dress offscreen!

**Jaq:** Capital idea, old sport! *follows Ventus into the mouse hole*

**Cinderella:** *is staring at the castle* …Not like I wanted to go to the shitty party and eat their shitty little sandwiches, and drink their shitty tea... _Fuck_ their party. I wasn't invited, so, they don't deserve to have a party if I'm not invited. I'm just...I'm NOT JEALOUS. I'm not jealous of their stupid party, I didn't want to go anyway! Not like I wanted to make any friends…Say hi to people…Feel like a person for the first time since my father died…Get out of this fucking house…I don't care! Okay? I don't want to go to their shitty party! Okay, it did, it looks like it's really fun, it looks like they have karaoke and like, ice cream cake. But, like, I don't, I don't even wanna go, I don't even care that I wasn't invited even though literally every woman in the kingdom was, I don't wanna go to their stupid party.

**Ventus:** I can fix that!

**Cinderella:** Gwah?

**Ventus and Jaq:** LOOK WE MADE A PRETTY!

**Cinderella:** You two fixed my dress for me?

**Jaq:** We had offscreen help, but yeah!

**Ventus:** I just figured, “Why not? I don’t have friends to save!” You can go to that party now, right?

**Cinderella:** *sniffs* Uh-huh!

**Jaq:** Then get going already!

**Cinderella:** *beams at them, then apparently puts it on and leaves*

**Ventus and Jaq:** *are now staring at the stars/castle on the window sill*

**Jaq:** I really hope that her horrible family doesn’t completely fuck it up for her.

**Ventus:** Please, if I’ve learned anything from what you’ve told me, it’s that they’re the type of people to do exactly that just to see her feel bad about herself! It’ll be _fine._

**Jaq:** You know what? You’re right! And now a random tangent: What’s _your_ dream, Ven?

**Ventus:** Gonna ask me before telling me your own?

**Jaq:** Man, I really don't wanna get stabbed. I was thinking about it just the other day about how much I don't wanna get stabbed...It's bad.

**Ventus:** Yeah, no, it could be better. And I guess my dream is the one that my friends told me I was supposed to have.

**Flashback Terra:** *sings softly* _I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyyyyy~!_

**Flashback Aqua:** Please stop.

**Flashback Terra:** No, it’s fun. Besides, you, me, and Ven all have the same dream, I’ve just decided!

**Ventus:** Yeah, I guess I don’t really have a dream of my own. But since the other two want to become/have already become Keyblade Masters, I guess that’s acceptable for me as well. *summons Wayward Wind*

**Jaq:** I will not question where that weapon keeps going and how you can instantly summon it like that and instead assume your dream’ll come true as well, even if it takes far more than a decade.

**Ventus:** …Thanks…?

**Jaq:** Zugk-zugk!

**Ventus:** Oy vey.

**Jaq:** Well there's only one thing for us to do now. Let's go roll around in some shit and piss.

**Ventus:** I'M GONNA GO.

**Jaq:** What? Why!?

**Ventus:** People hate walking through piss, I'm told.

**Jaq:** It's not true.

**Ventus:** Oh.

**New Keyblade:** Stroke of Midni—WOW that’s pretty.

~Except Treasure Trove is way better, though…~


	5. It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Best Thing About Having Everything Written Already Is That, If There's Suddenly Another Family Vacation, I Can Post A Chapter Early Instead Of Ditching You Guys For A Week:** Super Best Friends Play, _Alien, Princess Bride, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Harry Potter,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Aren’t you glad I’m not really going over what my specific command decks consist of?~

**Ventus:** *goes back to the Castle of Dreams and gets that chest on the shelf he missed* YAY DONE UNTIL I LEARN GLIDE.

**Jaq:** I talk the same way I speak in the text boxes!

**Ventus:** And now I’m gone because no. Oh hey, a new Command Board level.

**Cinderella:** You’ll be going up against me and only me in this.

**Ventus:** Neat. And I see the boards are only going to get more complicated from here on out, that’s cool.

**Cinderella:** *accidentally goes first because I fucked up* Look I found a thing that makes the thing go.

**Ventus:** Well shit. *plays hand after hand after hand and jumps around the board, somehow getting all the Special Panels so the Fairy Godmother can give him moar points* So yeah, I’m basically cheating. So no one take my victories as proof that I’m better, but if you want to you can.

**Cinderella:** *is getting really far behind now* Do it legit, you git!

**Ventus:** *wins by somehow doing everything correctly* I did the mysterious thing that I didn’t know what I did.

**Cinderella:** That doesn’t even count ‘cause you’re better.

**Ventus:** So see you in the Mirage Arena?

**Cinderella:** Oh I’m fucked. Proper fucked, in fact.

**Ventus:** *goes to the Enchanted Dominion and Apparates directly into the castle apparently* Terra came here first…I WONDER IF I’LL FIND HIM HERE. And I am apparently confused as to how doors work. *goes inside door* This décor is pretty. And there’s a sleepy lady who is also pretty.

**Aurora:** I’M UNCONSCIOUS!

**Ventus:** Yep, that’s how sleep works.

**Flora:** GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU _BITCH!_

**Ventus:** Little women too, now, huh? And who’s the tall one in the bed? I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful! You know, aside from Cinderella, who wasn’t in a pretty dress at the time and her hair looks dumb when it’s up like that anyway…Snow White had kind of an equally stupid haircut and she qualified more as cute…And I haven’t met any other Disney princesses yet so I guess the one in a coma tops the list.

**Flora:** *flies around in front of him* Who’re you, anyway?

**Ventus:** …Okay, I’ll process the flying thing later. Name’s Ventus, but you can call me Ven.

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Fauna:** You’re adorable and therefore cannot possibly be evil under any circumstances. Though since we’re fairies it might make sense that we can tell you’re as good and pure as Aurora.

**Ventus:** Can you tell me why she’s sleeping? Because I somehow know this kind of sleep is different and she’s not just taking a nap or plain fucking _sleeping_ like all creatures need to do in order to recharge and fucking _survive?_

**Flora:** Yeah, tl;dr, a witch called Maleficent did all of the bad things and now Aurora’s heart’s missing from her chest cavity.

**Merryweather:** It's like someone shoplifted her guts out of her body.

**Fauna:** Think of it that way.

**Ventus:** …Then how is she still alive, you kind of need that to pump blood.

**Merryweather:** No, they’re stand-ins for souls, remember?

**Ventus:** This mythos makes no sense.

**Flora:** She _did_ almost die, though, but we changed it so she would only be in a coma instead.

**Ventus:** That's good. The kids that survive being murdered as children are badasses. _I_ was never murdered as a child, and see how good I turned out! Oh no, wait, I’m totally mentally unstable and a freaking weirdo. Anyway, want me to get her heart back, or…?

**Fauna:** INCONCEIVABLE! And even if you tried, it would be impossible for us to help you.

**Ventus:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Flora:** Hmm…Okay! The Forbidden Mountain is through the Forbidden Forest. We wouldn’t want you to get lost, so follow the surprisingly linear layout of this planet and we’ll meet you at the next plot-relevant cutscene!

**Ventus:** Works for me!

**Enchanted Dominion title card:** …Why does it look like tentacles are erupting from Aurora’s vagina? We, uh, we probably could’ve done this better…

**Ventus:** Wonder what’s behind the fireplace…A Sleep spell. Of fucking course. Sigh. *talks to Moogle* COULD I BUY CURE BEFORE OH WHO CARES I AM BUYING ALL OF IT NOW FUCK. *buys all of the Cure and Thunder spells he can afford* I feel _so_ much more secure now… *goes out through the castle and across the bridge into the forest* Wonder what was with those enemies back in the castle that dropped candies and stuff…Eh, probably won’t amount to anything. *goes back and forth in order to level up and level up commands and to meld commands and to do a bunch of other shit* Why do I have the scary feeling that I won’t be able to save for a while? *saves like four times out of paranoia before heading up to the area blocked off by green flame* Well this isn’t ominous at all.

**Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather:** Sure isn’t.

**Ventus:** HOLY SHIT WHERE DID YOU THREE COME FROM.

**Flora:** *starts sobbing* We’ll never make it through here!

**Fauna:** … _Aguamenti._ *flames disappear*

**Flora:** …I actually suck shit, by the way.

**Ventus:** *goes into the next area* …Well that’s epically terrifying.

**Merryweather:** You're in the filth-ass shit-town now.

**Ventus:** Yep. *goes up to the castle and sees all of Maleficent’s minions scampering about the place* There seems to be some kind of nameless horror scampering about the Death House. *kills them all and goes into the castle where the fairies are suddenly with him again* Seriously, where do you three go when it’s not a cutscene — OH NO TWO OF THE MONSTERS I JUST BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF WITH RELATIVE EASE WHAT DO I DO.

**Flora:** You’ll never make it! Ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it! Don’t you see, you can’t make it!

**Ventus:** …Fuck it. *charges them head-on and murders wave after wave of them until they are dead* Kablouses. It’s the new exploding blouse. *heads into the next area* What, another big, wide open room where Unversed will keep showing up?

**Wall:** *springs into existence*

**Ventus:** …Or a confusing forced maze with teleport pads all over the place works too, I guess. Don’t remember this being in the movie that I’ve only seen twice in my life. *takes five hours to get through it* WHY ISN’T THERE A SAVE POINT ANYWHERE IN THIS FUCKING CASTLE. *dicks around some more until he reaches a point where there is clearly a door he can’t get it* …Phillip is right behind this door, and more importantly a save point is right the fuck here. And yet it remains inaccessible to me. For absolutely no reason other than me psychically being aware that my storyline doesn’t involve this shit. I…I kind of loathe everything right now. *slams on the door* Hey! Phillip! If I die and lose this save, I _will_ shit on you.

**Phillip:** Now hold on a minute, sir. Before you propose such an action, might I suggest you perhaps shit on yourself?

**Ventus:** No.

**Phillip:** Okay.

**Ventus:** *dicks around some more until he reaches the throne, which is also on green fire and has a large-ish ball of light floating above it* Huh. *psychically knows he has to point his Keyblade at it*

**Stroke of Midnight:** *shoots white laser beam at floating ball of light causing the green flames to vanish and the ball of light to fly away*

**Ventus:** …WELL I’M DONE HERE I GUESS. *starts to have flashbacks that aren’t his*

**Phillip:** No, we _totally_ met before, honest!

**Aurora:** I don’t remember this.

**Phillip:** No, it was that song you were singing, “Once Upon A Dream,” it really spoke to me and I want to pretend we’ve been dreaming of each other specifically all this time in order to seem romantic.

**Aurora:** You smooth fucker.

**Phillip:** Also I was there the day you were born, I was like five or something and was confused at the concept of infants.

**Aurora:** I LIKE TWIRLING!

**Phillip:** I like watching you twirl!

**Aurora:** And now I’m convinced that I dreamed about you specifically now. Ah, suggestibility.

**Phillip:** I’m going to do the smart thing and actually ask you what your fucking name is, unlike _some_ Disney princes I could mention.

**Aurora:** …I JUST REMEMBERED THE CONCEPT OF STRANGER DANGER AND WILL NOW PISS OFF.

**Phillip:** Wha—But I really like you!

**Aurora:** Likewise, but this is already moving too fast for me.

**Phillip:** … _How._

**Aurora:** Dude, you’re literally the first person I’ve seen that wasn’t one of my aunts since infancy.

**Phillip:** Oh, okay, that’s now, gotcha. But…Could we possibly meet up again sometime?

**Aurora:** …How does tonight sound? Here, have my address. *gives it to him and runs off*

**Phillip:** …Okay, now _I_ think we’re moving too fast.

**Ventus:** *stops having flashback and starts shouting at Aurora who’s not even there* SKELETONS ARE NOT THAT FUCKING THIN. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. EAT _SOMETHING,_ I DON’T CARE WHAT IT IS, AND TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING CORSET, HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO FUNCTION IF YOU CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE OR MOVE.

**Flora:** Eh, she’s _fine,_ she’s not malnourished at all, she’s just got a really fast metabolism. It happens, you know, not everyone who’s that thin has an eating disorder. Just most of them. Also yay, you did the thing or whatever.

**Ventus:** You hear about that hot guy?

**Flora:** Yep, she wanted a boyfriend so badly that she eventually settled for the first man she saw. Who she was coincidentally betrothed to anyway so everything worked out in the end.

**Fauna:** I can somehow tell that you believe in something very strongly as well!

**Ventus:** Power of friendship or the desire to become a Keyblade master someday?

**Fauna:** Little of column A, little of column B.

**Flora:** You’re also entirely composed of light, as if any and all darkness was surgically separated somehow.

**Ventus:** I get that a lot.

**Merryweather:** : Can we leave now, or…?

**Ventus:** Only if I can be transported directly to the entrance to this room without having to go through the maze again.

**Merryweather:** : Done!

**Ventus:** Neat! *runs into the previous room* …Hello…person.

**Maleficent:** So you just fucked up my evil plan.

**Flora:** Oh hey, it’s that bitch we don’t like ‘cause she’s evil.

**Ventus:** Hey! Stop being evil! *tries to slash at her but she Disapparates in swirling green flames* Well that’s gonna make things complicated.

**Maleficent:** Is that a Keyblade? So you’re Ventus?

**Ventus:** …How’d you know that? And what makes you think that this giant key I’m using as a type of blade would be any sort of Keyblade?

**Maleficent:** I’m vaguely psychic I guess. Also Terra did the bad thing.

**Ventus:** I am disbelief.

**Maleficent:** He tore Aurora’s heart out of her chest cavity and everything.

**Ventus:** That’s not true! That’s impossible!

**Maleficent:** Search your feelings, you know it to be true. And I know that Terra told me not to hurt you, but you need _some_ kind of boss fight for this area, so…

**Merryweather:** : We’re gonna help! *turns into a tiny ball of light* No, seriously, use us or you’ll probably die.

**Ventus:** Noted. *uses fairies to knock Maleficent out for a bit so he can whale on her for a bit*

**Maleficent:** *recovers, teleports away, and summons a lightning storm* You’re gonna dead. You’re gonna dead.

**Ventus:** *is getting continuously hit by lightning* No I’m fine.

**Maleficent:** You’re gonna dead.

**Ventus:** *uses Cure and continues to run around and whale on her until she loses all her health*

**Maleficent:** … _OW?!_

**Ventus:** Now take back what you said about Terra!

**Maleficent:** Fine, I put him under the Imperius Curse. But he still didn’t resist it though! That means he wanted it to happen!

**Ventus:** Shit.

**Aqua:** Oh fuck off with that shit! *comes running into the room* Not everyone can throw it off so easily if at all. We can’t blame him for succumbing to an Unforgivable, okay, Ven? It wasn’t his fault and no one should be blamed for being forced like that. Got it?

**Ventus:** Got it!

**Maleficent:** Fine, live in denial all you want, it amuses me. And do you _really_ know what he was thinking at the time? Can you _ever_ know?

**Aqua:** Of course not, that’s the point of being individual people, Christ. *blatantly ignores one of the most famous and powerful Disney villains of all time* So Ven, Ecivresnaf sent me to pick you up.

**Ventus:** But I need to track down Terra, though.

**Aqua:** Saw him at the Castle of Dreams, he seemed fine. And frankly, Master Xehanort went missing and our dual mission is to go search for him; Terra’s using this as a opportunity to get a field promotion so there’s no way he’ll be coming home unless it’s with Master Xehanort in tow.

**Ventus:** I’m sorry, I’m having a flashback.

**Vanitas:** Terra will either die or turn evil if you don’t go down to him right the fuck now.

**Ventus:** Is that a threat?

**Vanitas:** It’s a promise. He’s gonna surpass you so quickly that by the time you meet up again he’ll have done so many horrible things as to be unrecognizable.

**Ventus:** And I’m done. But no, I got a pretty ominous threat concerning Terra before I left, and I have to make sure it doesn’t come to fruition! *runs off*

**Aqua:** Ven, wait! What the hell’re you talking about?!

**Ventus:** I don’t think I’ll ever directly tell you!

**Aqua:** You shitbird!

**Fauna:** Should we do something?

**Flora:** Enh…nah.

**Ventus:** *is now running out of the castle* …WELL THAT’S THIS PLANET DONE I GUESS!

**Fairy Stars:** *is also a really cool-looking Keyblade*

~…So did Maleficent just stand there silently that whole time, or…?~


	6. Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hey If Anyone's Caught Up On UX I Highly Recommend Switching To Play As A Girl During Quest 651 If You Haven't Already Been Playing As One; You'll Get A Little Story Bonus If You Do:** Dragonball Z Abridged, Super Best Friends Play, Mr. Plinkett's reviews, _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Undertale, Harry Potter, Kung Pow: Enter The Fist, The Room,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~We now return to Ventus… _ **IIIIINNN SPAAAAAAAACE!**_ ~

**Ventus:** Cannot get “Simple and Clean” outta my fucking head…

**Vanitas:** Ever tried “Sanctuary”? *floats past him in a ball of darkness*

**Ventus:** I’ll keep that in mind — HEY WAIT! *follows him through a portal of light* Huh, I’m back on the regular planet board thing again. Wonder why I never see Terra, Aqua, or this other guy hanging around. Meh. Oh look, a new planet! *goes to it* A derelict wasteland, huh? Maybe I’ll see Piccolo around here somewhere. *space hover board vanishes* NO FALL DAMAAAAGE boom. Somehow I know that I followed the other guy there instead of the several other planets I’ve unlocked or ones that I have yet to unlock.

**Vanitas:** Behind you, dipshit.

**Ventus:** Hey, was wondering if I could clarify some of the things you were saying about Terra earlier?

**Vanitas:** What, that he’d turn evil? I thought that was pretty self-explanatory.

**Ventus:** I’m disinclined to believe you.

**Vanitas:** Fine, he won’t turn evil per se, he’ll only get possessed and his body will be forced to do evil things. Same difference, really. *summons Void Gear Keyblade*

**Ventus:** …That Keyblade looks pretty fucking sick, not gonna lie. *summons Fairy Lights* We fight now?

**Vanitas:** We fight now. And for some reason this isn’t our main fight.

**Ventus:** What do you mean?

**Vanitas:** Oh, I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough. By the way, you’re actually fated to lose this fight. Never stop tickling the butthole of fate.

**Ventus:** I don’t believe in fate!

**Vanitas:** Wait, what’s that over there, is that the script?

**Ventus:** Oh.

**Vanitas:** …Fuck it, ending the game now. *gathers energy with the Void Gear and shoots it at Ven* YEAH PURPLE FIRE AND SCORCH MARKS! Wait, why aren’t I a weapon now?

**Mickey:** Because fuck you!

**Vanitas:** …The fuck did you come from?

**Mickey:** I can’t control my teleportation for shit. *summons Star Seeker* Cura!

**Ventus:** What, no Curaga?

**Mickey:** I haven’t melded it yet, shut up. *turns to Vanitas* So…Where’d someone like you get a Keyblade like that anyway? Keyblades aren’t meant to beat people up! And I’ll prove it to you by beating you up!

**Ventus:** I can get behind this! *gets up and starts fighting alongside Mickey*

**Vanitas:** Wouldn’t it be a shame if I teleported all the time and all you were trying to hit were afterimages?

**Ventus:** Whatever, you’re not the only one who can throw fireballs! And other magic attacks as well!

**Vanitas:** *takes a decent amount of time to kill*

**Mickey:** I guess that dude's face is a super tough face. You'll never do enough damage to that face. Except for that time.

**Ventus:** YAY YOU’RE DEAD!

**Vanitas:** *jumps up like a break dancer* Oh trust me, you’d know if you defeated me.

**Ventus and Mickey:** WHAT THE SHIT.

**Vanitas:** Conglaturations, you reached the halfway point of your section of the video game. *creates a Dark Corridor behind him* Well, roughly…it’s kinda hard to pin down, actually…Meh. *walks backward into it and disappears*

**Ventus:** *vanishes his Keyblade* I really feel like we could’ve followed him just there if we bothered to run or something. Oh, thanks for saving my life, by the way. Name’s Ventus.

**Player:** *fills shot glass*

**Ventus:** What’s yours?

**Player:** *drops shot glass in shock*

**Mickey:** Mickey!

**Ventus:** Nice Keyblade you got there.

**Mickey:** Thanks, it’s actually not that great. You know who is great, though? Noiti Sopxe. *vanishes Star Seeker* He found out the universe is in trouble, and I sort of fucked off without his permission. I do a _lot_ of stuff without my mentor's permission.

**Ventus:** Hey, me too!

**Mickey:** I can’t control Gummi shit yet. *pulls out Star Shard* I’m supposed to just Apparate wherever with this at my will, but I’m having a hard time controlling it and end up in the strangest of plot-related scenarios even when I’m not even trying to activate it. But hey, if I hadn’t fucked up, we never would’ve met!

**Ventus:** Somehow I feel like that kind of thinking has caused many a significant change in my life…

**Mickey:** Or it could be reacting to something specific instead of just malfunctioning randomly, Iunno.

**Star Shard:** Wait, what’s that over there, is that the script? *glows really brightly and Ventus and Mickey both get engulfed in light*

**Ventus:** …Why am I suddenly in armor and riding my space hover board upside down in the vacuum of space? *turns around* Oh hey, a new planet. That’s convenient. AND I ALSO RANDOMLY LEARNED HIGH JUMP THIS WILL HELP SO FUCKING MUCH.

**Mickey:** You also forged a D-Link with me!

**Ventus:** Wonder how useful that’ll be, ‘cause aside from needing Aqua in the beginning I don’t actually use the D-Links all that much… *lands on Radiant Garden*

**Mickey:** BITCH I DOUBLE YOUR EXP.

**Ventus:** *hears none of this as he lands on Radiant Garden*

**Radiant Garden title card:** Let’s just get this out of the way right now.

**Music:** You can tell it’s similar to Hollow Bastion’s theme except just slightly happier in tone.

**Ventus:** This _is_ a nice little planet…And there’s a duck walking around with clothes. Meh, I just got my ass saved by a talking mouse wearing clothes, I can dig this.

**Mickey:** You say something?

**Ventus:** I did, actually!

**Mickey:** Well come over here and say it, ‘cause I’m walking away from you.

**Ventus:** Shit. *makes sure the duck is actually nowhere to be found anymore before following Mickey past a shitton of Unversed and up to the gates of the castle* …Are those two guards fucking _asleep?_

**Dilan:** No idea what you’re talking about.

**Aeleus:** Me neither.

**Ventus:** Well at least I can just slip on by—

**Dilan and Aeleus:** Yeah no.

**Ventus:** Pfft, a single lance and a tiny axe? Is that really supposed to frighten me?

**Aeleus:** Castle’s closed to civilians at present.

**Ventus:** Did either of you see a giant talking mouse wearing human clothes come through here by any chance?

**Dilan:** No, actually. And you might want to get to safety before you’re murdered by a shitton of monsters.

**Ventus:** You mean like that monster?

**Top part of Trinity Armor:** ‘Sup.

**Aeleus:** …Indeed, like that.

**Dilan:** Stand back, kid, we got this.

**Ventus:** Nah. *runs forward*

**Aeleus:** Stop, don’t, come back.

**Dilan:** I give him fifteen seconds.

**Aeleus:** Feeling generous today?

**Dilan:** Eh.

**Even:** Yeah, you two aren’t going anywhere.

**Aeleus:** …Dude, a civilian _child_ is going to get murdered to death if we don’t do something to help.

**Even:** Somehow I know he has a Keyblade or something.

**Aeleus:** A what now?

**Dilan:** Doesn’t matter, why try to save the people we’re assigned to protect anyway? We’ve got a castle to fall asleep against!

**Even:** No time for that now, His Lordship needs help hiding the bodies again.

**Aeleus:** Urgh, _more?_ *goes back inside with Dilan*

**Even:** No seriously, how can I tell that his heart doesn’t have any darkness in it. And how can I tell which methods were used to do so. *starts drooling* Oh, I want to _dissect it…_

**Aeleus:** Even, you’re drooling again.

**Even:** Oh, sorry! *follows the other two*

**Ventus:** …Are they gone? *tries to go back through the door* Damn it, it’s locked! If only I had a key that could open any lock! *bashes Unversed to death with Keyblade* Eh, might as well stick around and level up for several hours before moving on again, since there’s a save point right here and that fills me with determination. *eventually heads back to the Central Square*

**Scrooge McDuck:** Why am I convinced that you want my money and not my life?

**Top part of Trinity Armor:** Fucked if I know.

**Ventus:** *throws Fairy Lights* Look out!

**Scrooge McDuck:** Aye, I will! *actual dialogue as he ducks. Geddit? ‘Cause he’s a duck? Anyone?*

**Top part of Trinity Armor:** That hurt so badly I have to run away now!

**Ventus:** Huh, looks like all that leveling paid off. *starts to run after it*

**Scrooge McDuck:** Hold up a second!

**Ventus:** But there’s an evil monster that’s gonna destroy everything and murder everyone!

**Scrooge McDuck:** Ah, it can wait.

**Ventus:** This is true. *stops in his tracks and vanished his Keyblade*

**Scrooge McDuck:** I’d like to pay ye back fer savin’ me life.

**Ventus:** All in a day’s work, sir! *is about to run off again*

**Scrooge McDuck:** Oh, I quite insist, lad!

**Ventus:** I am visibly frustrated.

**Scrooge McDuck:** That’s nice, now let me take off me hat fer a quick second there. C’mere.

**Ventus:** Sometimes I think I’m entirely too trusting. *comes over to him*

**Scrooge McDuck:** Yer from another planet, aren’ ye?

**Ventus:** …You saw me land, didn’t you.

**Scrooge McDuck:** That I did, lad! But dinna worry, no one would believe me if’n I told ‘em! Frankly, I’m not from around here either! And somehow no one’s questioned it! Everyone here’s a great bloody idiot! An animal walkin’ and talkin’ in human clothin’ and no one bats an eye? Right amazin’, innit?!

**Ventus:** How’d you get here?

**Scrooge McDuck:** Merlin.

**Ventus:** …Okay.

**Scrooge McDuck:** Wanted to expand me business, ya know?

**Ventus:** That’s nice, I’m leaving now.

**Scrooge McDuck:** Look, do ye want fast passes fer Disneyland or no.

**Ventus:** …Yes. Yes I do.

**Scrooge McDuck:** Excellent! Here’s one fer you and yer parents!

**Ventus:** I don’t have those things. I do have two older siblings, though!

**Scrooge McDuck:** Take them, then!

**Ventus:** Okay…Wait, why weren’t you in the first game? Were you just in another area that wasn’t the castle or were you trapped somewhere inside the castle for the whole thing?

**Scrooge McDuck:** Fucked if I know, laddie!

**Ventus:** Okay, this was fun, I’m off to save the planet now.

**Scrooge McDuck:** Ye have fun with that!

**Ventus:** *chasing after the Trinity Armor* Okay, now that we’ve got that distraction out of the way—

**Merlin:** WOULD YOU KIDS TURN THAT SHIT DOWN ALREADY?!

**Ventus:** …Dafuq. *sees an old guy come out of a house* Dude, if you stay out here you’ll probably die. Get back inside.

**Merlin:** No.

**Ventus:** Well I tried.

**Merlin:** Bitch I’m _Merlin!_

**Ventus:** …The guy we’ve kind of turned into a swear word? And never replaced it with anyone else's name in some kind of stage production because why would that ever work and who would ever use it since it hasn't been long enough for that yet?

**Merlin:** The very same, my dear chap!

**Ventus:** …So there’s an evil monster destroying everything and murdering everyone, so I’m just gonna get back to that…

**Merlin:** Ah, it can wait.

**Ventus:** This is true.

**Merlin:** There is something I must first do. I see something within you, young man. Strength yet untapped, power yet unleashed.

**Ventus:** Um…How can you tell?

**Merlin:** Magic has a way of leaving traces. There’s a book inside if you want to check it out and gain the mystical powers or whatever.

**Ventus:** What book?

**Player:** Please don’t be Winnie the Pooh, please don’t be Winnie the Pooh, please don’t be Winnie the Pooh…

**Ventus:** *tentatively goes inside Merlin’s house and opens the dreaded book*

**Player:** Oh, it’s just a command board, that’s fine, then.

**Ventus:** OKAY, I’M DONE FUCKING AROUND. TIME TO KILL SHIT. *spends the next however many hours working his way through the rest of Radiant Garden killing shit in order to get to the boss. I almost typed Hollow Bastion just then. Can’t for the life of me figure out why* Okay, finally reached the right area — HEY TERRA!

**Aqua:** HEY TERRA!

**Terra:** Aqua, Ven. Wait, _Ven?!_

**Aqua:** I told you!

**Terra:** Oh, right.

**Ventus, Aqua, and Terra:** *all summon their respective Keyblades*

**Terra:** …I’m holding Treasure Trove, why is this showing Earthshaker.

**Aqua:** And I’ve got Destiny’s Embrace equipped, not Rainfell.

**Ventus:** Never mind that, are you telling me there were _more_ boss Unversed?

**Trinity Armor:** *connects all three parts into something infinitely more badass than the Guard and Reverse Armors could ever hope to be*

**Ventus:** Ah.

**Terra:** Y’all ready for this?

**Aqua:** We’ll find out! *dies almost instantly*

**Ventus:** …Fuck, she’s basically Donald, isn’t she?

**Terra:** Apparently.

**Trinity Armor:** *can apparently summon fireballs that float around for no reason until they decide to hit people*

**Terra:** And I’m out too. Fuck.

**Aqua:** I’m awake again! And now I’m dead again.

**Ventus:** WHAT THE SHIT, YOU GUYS.

**Trinity Armor:** *splits up, giving everyone three different targets as one hops around and the other two fly around slamming into people or firing lasers and shit everywhere*

**Ventus:** I am _not_ enjoying doing the brunt of the work you two! *kills one of the pieces*

**Other two pieces:** *shoot lightning at each other and spin around and shit*

**Ventus:** …Okay, don’t get hit by that. Noted.

**Terra:** I am now alive again! And I’m not completely ineffectual!

**Ventus:** Oh huzzah! *still does most of the work*

**Aqua:** CUTSCENE FINISHING MOVE!

**Terra and Ventus:** ON IT! *team up and murder Trinity Armor to death*

**Terra:** YAY WE WON.

**Aqua:** We should really team up more often in a part of the game that’s not just the command board or plot-related shit.

**Ventus:** Totally agree. Hey, Terra! I’m half-convinced that you’re up to random acts of evil and that you’re starting to turn into a bad guy, plus the fact that some random guy said that you would change for the worse and that I would barely recognize you anymore. Even though I’ve been sidetracked by incredibly important things like fashion design and the like, I’ve been really worried about you for some time now. But who cares about any of that! WE’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!

**Terra:** ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!

**Ventus:** Well, Disney _Town_ , but still, you know? *hands the other two the fast passes* This giant talking duck gave them to me.

**Terra:** I see no reason to question this.

**Aqua:** Well I met him too, so…

**Ventus:** He told me to take my parents, but you guys are my siblings, so…

**Aqua:** Sometimes I think we _are_ your parents.

**Terra:** That’s too adorable an image, I’m getting a fluff overload over here.

**Aqua:** NO! MORE FLUFF! After I take Ven home anyway.

**Ventus:** …Didn’t you _just say_ that we should team up more often?

**Aqua:** Yep!

**Ventus:** …Look, I’ve gotten way stronger since I left the Land of Departure! I even took out the guy in the mask that was threatening Terra! I mean, I didn’t kill him, but I beat the shit out of him, which is basically the same thing; he’ll _never_ want revenge for something like that!

**Terra:** Wait, you _saw_ Vanitas?!

**Ventus:** …If he’s the guy in the mask, then as established, yes.

**Aqua:** …Who are we even talking about right now.

**Ventus:** Should…Should I not have fought that guy?

**Terra:** No you really shouldn’t have. Let Aqua take you home. Now.

**Ventus:** Why should I be shunted to the sidelines again?! I’m easily more powerful than both of you! I was the only one who was able to not die against that Unversed just now!

**Terra:** *laughs* Excuse me? You passed out, like, twice or something!

**Ventus:** No I didn’t! You did!

**Terra:** Clearly you were hallucinating, since I never passed out during this fight.

**Ventus:** Yes you did! And you, Oh Great And Powerful Keyblade Master, you died like three times or something over the course of the fight! You were the worst one of us!

**Aqua:** I did not see that at all!

**Terra:** I did not see that likewise, in a way that is similar to you.

**Aqua:** I’ll have you know that I never passed out! I _did_ see Terra die a couple times though. Not as much as you, Ven, but still more than I did. Which was zero.

**Terra:** There’s two schools of thought on this and neither school really cares. Ven, just let the adults handle it, okay? We gotta do dangerous shit and you’ll just die over and over again. I don’t want to see that happen anymore.

**Aqua:** …What are you talking about? All we have to do is find Master Xehanort. Is there some sort of side quest you’re not telling us about? One not sanctioned by the Master?

**Terra:** Actually, yes. Master Xehanort isn’t willing to come home until I’ve helped him rectify a mistake he’s made. It involves fighting the darkness, just like Master Ecivresnaf wanted.

**Aqua:** Okay, we acknowledge that you were placed under the Imperius Curse in the Enchanted Dominion, but that still doesn’t excuse you even considering doing horrible things to people in the first place, even if it is to fulfill your primary objective. Because I somehow know about your choices in the Dwarf Woodlands.

**Ventus:** Hey, the important thing is that he _didn’t_ do the bad thing in the end.

**Aqua:** He still considered it though, which is just as bad apparently and makes him an asshole.

**Terra:** In my head?

**Aqua:** Yes you are! I am mad at you for saying this thing in your own mind! And him even considering to use the darkness is why he failed in the first place; if he keeps backpedalling like this he’ll never make it! Ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it! Don’t you see, he can’t make it!

**Terra:** *exasperated sigh* Look, I’ve just befriended the first people I met in each world and gave them a hand, same as you two!

**Aqua:** Yeah, but we don’t befriend extremely obviously evil people!

**Terra:** Master Xehanort.

**Aqua:** …He doesn’t count, Master Ecivresnaf trusts him too for some dumbass reason even though he actually has proof that he’s evil.

**Terra:** And we all follow the Master’s example. You can’t really blame me for automatically trusting obvious villains, it’s how I was trained! *blinks* Also I’m resentful of you spying on me for the Master.

**Aqua:** Dude, we all got the same four or five worlds at the start and we’ll keep unlocking the same worlds that happen to be geographically closest to our starting point, even if their locations shift radically in ten years because that’s how planetary alignments work. It’s not really that hard to keep up with what you two have been up to.

**Terra:** But the Master _did_ order you to spy on me, right?

**Aqua:** …Okay yes.

**Ventus:** Aqua! How dare you expressly follow the orders that our collective father figure whom we all implicitly trust gave to you!

**Terra:** How’s all that betrayal food in your stomach digesting?!

**Ventus:** Does it taste delicious?

**Terra:** Does it taste like _deceit?!_

**Ventus:** Does it pass easily?!

**Aqua:** Hey whatever man, fuck you, I’m not perfect. No one’s perfect in this world.

**Terra:** Everybody betray me. I’m feddap widis worl! *turns to leave*

**Ventus:** Bro, wait up—

**Terra:** Piss off.

**Ventus:** *sharp intake of breath*

**Terra:** …Okay I’m sorry, but I need some alone time, all right? *starts to walk away*

**Aqua:** Terra, please! The Master has seen so many people implode from the darkness, and he loves you like a son so he doesn’t want you to suffer the same fate if he can help it! I was only supposed to keep a vague eye on you and prevent you from implosion if necessary! Damn it, Terra, please don’t use this personal betrayal as an excuse to follow an even darker path!

**Terra:** Hey, that’s a great idea, I’m gonna go do that! *leaves*

**Aqua:** Ah shit…

**Ventus:** You’re the nozzle that the douche juice comes out of.

**Aqua:** For doing my job?

**Ventus:** Yes. Also were you also ordered to take me home.

**Aqua:** Now _that’s_ a little of column A and a little of column B. I was actually all for defying the Master’s orders on this one, seeing him as being overly paranoid, but considering you got your ass handed to you several times throughout this last boss fight—

**Ventus:** _YOU’RE_ THE ONE WHO GOT HER ASS HANDED TO HER SO OFTEN! I NEVER FUCKING DIED _ONCE!_

**Aqua:** Wait, what level even are you right now?

**Ventus:** Thirty-six!

**Aqua:** …Holy shit, I’m only thirty-three. You know, when you put it like that, this seems like shit.

**Ventus:** Aqua, following orders and showing reluctance when the orders you’re given go against what you want to do and what you think is right means that you’ve let your new rank go to your head.

**Aqua:** No it doesn’t, it means I’m _doing my fucking job._

**Ventus:** Whatever, Imma go after Terra into an area that I don’t think you’re allowed in because you psychically know your section of the plot doesn’t take you down there. *runs off*

**Aqua:** Stop, don’t, come back.

~THIS WORLD IS SO LONG AND HAS SO MUCH PLOT I NEED TO BREAK IT UP BEFORE I ASPLOAD.~


	7. Hold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Maybe It's Because I Never Watched The Original But I Really Liked The** _**Duck Tales**_ **Reboot Pilot And Can't Wait To Watch More (I'm Finally Kind Of Liking Donald What Is This Magic):** _Archer,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, Super Best Friends Play, _Undertale, Cowboy Bebop, Pokémon, Monty Python's Holy Grail,_ The Who, Some Jerk With A Camera, _Spamalot,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Well that was fun, wasn’t it.~

**Ventus:** *fights his way through to the Central Square again* Ah great, now we have Unversed attacking children.

**Ienzo:** I wish I had some fucking lines so I could scream for help. Or am I just staring at all of them in scientific fascination.

**Ventus:** I don’t know but don’t worry, I’ll get rid of them for you.

**Ienzo:** Okay, thanks. *runs off*

**Ventus:** *defeats all the Unversed* Well that was appallingly easy.

**Even:** Yo Ienzo, where you at?

**Ienzo:** Over here!

**Even:** Oh good, you’re not dead. That would have been bad. Also stop wandering off.

**Ienzo:** No.

**Even:** So, uh, yeah, thanks for saving the kid, I guess. He’s an orphan being raised by a bunch of scientists who are somehow _not_ using him for experiments.

**Ienzo:** How do you know you’re not? Why do you think I keep running away?

**Ventus:** Wow, another Disney-ish character who doesn’t have parents. What a fucking shock that is. Still, you’re ungodly adorable, even with the emo haircut. You might want to make sure the kid doesn’t get amblyopia.

**Even:** YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

**Ventus:** …You seen a tall guy with a red X on his chest and back and the stupidest haircut you’ve ever seen run by here at all?

**Even:** I think Braig was meeting a guy in the Outer Gardens. Try there maybe?

**Ventus:** What, the only part of the planet I haven’t been yet? Sure, I’ll get right on it.

**Even:** Consider me giving you vague directions payment for saving a young child’s life.

**Ienzo:** Why don’t I have any fucking lines.

**Even:** Also me and your look-a-like are gonna hang out a bunch in about ten or eleven years.

**Ventus:** What?

**Even:** I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.

**Ventus:** I’m sure you can.

**Ienzo:** The plot doesn’t thicken, but it’s congealing at least. *leaves with Even*

**Ventus:** …WELL OKAY THEN. *heads to the only area he hasn’t been to yet* Down to this evil basement. A basement you would be hesitant to go into under normal circumstances…A save point? Is, uh, is there another boss here, ‘cause that doesn’t exactly fill me with determination… *heads to the Outer Gardens* YO TERRA, YOU BEAT BRAIG AND TALK TO MASTER XEHANORT PRETTY FUCKING QUICKLY JUST NOW, HUH?

**Terra:** Well you were protecting Ienzo—

**Ventus:** Yeah, from a bunch of total jobber Unversed that I cleaned up in seconds!

**Terra:** Huh. Well I got nothing then.

**Ventus:** Cool, so can I go with you now?

**Terra:** Nope.

**Ventus:** But I’m the same level as you!

**Terra:** I know, but pride and the lack of sick team-up options in this game dictate that I must go on alone.

**Ventus:** That’s such a stupid reason!

**Terra:** Yes it is. But I know you’ll be there when I really need you.

**Ventus:** …You _really_ think that sickening platitude will make me drop it?

**Terra:** Maybe?

**Ventus:** Because that’s such a stupid thing to say! I’m your friend; of _course_ I’ll be there! Which is why I want to be there for you _now!_

**Terra:** Still no. Thanks for the friendship pick-me-up, though, I needed it. *hits armored shoulder thing and puts on his armor again, flying off into space*

**Ventus:** HEY WAIT WE’RE NOT DONE HERE! Graaah… Imma flash back to what Terra just said to me exactly thirty seconds ago. I’m sure that won’t annoy anyone and make them think that the gamemakers think they’re stupid or anything. And now that I think about it, what he said kinda worries me. Now I _could_ follow after him immediately, considering I’m still pissed at Aqua for spying on Terra and trying to bring me back home. Therefore, I SHOULD TELL HER EVERYTHING I’VE JUST WITNESSED ABOUT TERRA! *backtracks* Hey, Aqua, you finish fighting Vanitas yet?

**Aqua:** Only just. Didja find Terra?

**Ventus:** Yep!

**Aqua:** …So where is he?

**Ventus:** Oh, he fucked off.

**Aqua:** Well done.

**Ventus:** Shaddup.

**Aqua:** With pleasure, I have to leave anyway.

**Ventus:** Good, I’ll come with.

**Aqua:** You will not! Just go home already!

**Ventus:** Not until you give me a decent reason to! And don’t give me the “I’m too weak” treatment because that’s the one thing I’m not buying. I haven’t had to use a Continue once and I always make sure to be vastly overlevelled than I need to be!

**Aqua:** I get that you’re strong, but you’re my little brother and I love you and I don’t want to see you lose so much as a sliver of health, because when you hurt I hurt! *puts her hand on Ven’s shoulder* Call me selfish but that’s how it is! I’ll always worry about you, do you not get that?

**Ventus:** Yeah, I get that. I get that even though we just fought a giant-ass Unversed together and I did the brunt of the work according to the health meters on this particular playthrough, you still think I’m incompetent and have no faith in me whatsoever. Oh yes, I understand _perfectly._

**Aqua:** Good, I’m glad we have that sorted out. *puts on armor and goes into space*

**Ventus:** …Well at least she didn’t insist on escorting me home. *proceeds to have a flashback of Terra kicking his ass*

**Flashback Terra:** I can’t believe you’re giving up already, dude. I thought you were so much stronger than that!

**Flashback Aqua:** …Why am I getting flashbacks to the future that’s not even technically _our_ future?

**Flashback Terra:** Iunno.

**Flashback Aqua:** YO VEN! KICK HIS ASS!

**Flashback Terra:** Oh, thanks ever so much.

**Flashback Ventus:** Maybe if I didn’t hold my practice sword in such an impractical fashion…Nah, this is _fine._ *charges at Terra and clearly loses again offscreen*

**Flashback Terra:** Hey Ven, you know how your practice sword’s nearly busted to shit?

**Flashback Aqua:** Each splinter nearly flaking off is proving that you’re sucking shit less and less every day!

**Flashback Ventus:** …You guys’re just bullshitting me, aren’t you.

**Flashback Terra:** Probably. But I’m telling you, don’t tense up. It’s not about strength or power. You gotta be fluid!

**Flashback Ventus:** Huh?

**Flashback Terra:** You have to be like water. You see what I’m saying?

**Flashback Ventus:** Not even a little.

**Flashback Terra:** That’s what I thought. *stands up and raises his wooden Keyblade* Ahem. As long as you take hold of a Keyblade at one point in your life, you’ll totally be able to use one someday.

**Flashback Aqua:** …We know? That’s practically the whole point of this game.

**Flashback Terra:** *bursts into song*  
 _I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST_  
 _LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS!_

**Flashback Aqua:** *joins in*  
 _TO WIELD THEM IS MY REAL TEST!_  
 _TO TRAIN UP IS MY CAUSE!_

**Flashback Terra:** Come on, Ven, join in! *hands him wooden Keyblade*

**Flashback Ventus:** …We will travel across the worlds? Uh, slaying far and wide? *hesitantly puts his hand on wooden Keyblade*

**Flashback Terra and Aqua:**   
_EACH STORY LINE THAT WILL UNFURL_   
_THE POWER THAT’S INSIIIIIIIIDE!_

**Ventus:** *stops flashbacking* And then we kind of lost track of what we were talking about and went to play Sun and Moon for hours. *stares at wooden Keyblade* Apparently I’ve been carrying this for the whole game. I guess I kept it _up my ass._ *starts flipping it around in the air with one hand until he drops it* Ah, balls.

**Lea:** What’s this thing? *picks up wooden Keyblade*

**Fangirls:** OH HAI LEA!

**Lea:** I have touched a Keyblade, therefore I have unlocked the potential to use one. Hey, this thing yours?

**Isa:** Lea, we don’t have time to introduce our characters, we’re gonna be late.

**Lea:** Aw c’mon, Isa, we gotta appease the fangirls! Everyone else in the Organization’s been shown off!

**Isa:** Marluxia, Demyx, Larxene…

**Lea:** Well the ones that people like, at any rate. Anyway, nice toy sword you got here.

**Ventus:** I get the feeling you’re being facetious. 

**Lea:** Now what gave you that idea? Anyway, check _these_ bad boys out! *pulls out spiked Frisbees*

**Ventus:** …Those are Frisbees. At least my toy sword is a fucking _sword._

**Lea (nearly wrote Axel, LOLZ XD):** Quiet, you. My name’s Lea. It’s spelled like a girl’s name, but it’s pronounced Lee in the English version in a vain attempt to sound more manly. Got it memorized?

**Fangirls:** SQUEEEEEE, HE SAID IT!

**Ventus:** You sound like an uppity asshole.

**Lea:** Totally intentional. What’s your name?

**Ventus:** Ventus.

**Lea:** Cool. Let’s duel.

**Ventus:** …Why?

**Lea:** Because I wanna bond with my best friend ten or eleven years before he actually becomes my best friend sort of not really?

**Ventus:** Well in that case, sure, why not? And I’ll even go easy on you and use this toy Keyblade instead of my real one!

**Lea:** Oh, who’s all high and mighty now?

**Isa:** Still you.

**Lea:** SHUT IT, ISA! *gets defeated offscreen*

**Player:** …Wait, _WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON’T ACTUALLY GET TO FIGHT LEA?!_

**Lea:** …All right, we’ll call it a draw.

**Ventus:** You make me sad.

**Isa:** Not as sad as I am to have to associate with this loser.

**Lea:** Thanks for the encouragement, “friend.”

**Isa:** Oh, right, sorry, let me try again. Ahem. “You are doing a fine job, Shitlord.”

**Lea:** Ah, crap baskets. *chillaxes on the ground* I'm gonna need some breakfast soon.

**Isa:** No, you hate breakfast. And it's _two._

**Lea:** Shut up. *glances at Ventus* Sure hope you make better company than this guy.

**Ventus:** I look like Roxas and we’re all roughly the same age right now. How fucked up is this shit.

**Lea, Isa, and Ventus:** *guffaw and have a lovely chortle fest*

**Player:** HOLY FUCKING SHIT SAÏX IS ACTUALLY LAUGHING AND LOOKS LIKE HE’S IN A GOOD MOOD THIS IS ENTIRELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ME.

**Isa:** But seriously, we have a thing. We should go do this thing.

**Lea:** Ah yes, the thing. *gets up*

**Ventus:** Aw, I wanted to hang more.

**Lea:** We’ll have nearly a year’s worth of hang-out time soon enough, you’ll see. We’ll eat ice cream every day and it’ll be the bestest year ever with no sads to be found ever. Ever. _Ever._

**Ventus:** I look forward to it. Or part of me will. This is all very confusing.

**Lea:** Yes it is. *walks away with Isa*

**Isa:** Sometimes I just don’t understand you.

**Lea:** It’s really not that difficult. My purpose in this game is to set up the whole memory thing dude guy place. After all, if your entire existence is forgotten by everyone who’s ever known you, it’s like you didn’t even exist in the first place, and I can’t think of anything sadder.

**Xion:** Yeah, remember that when you can’t remember _me,_ asshat.

**Isa:** *actual dialogue* I know I won’t forget you. Believe me, I try all the time.

**Lea:** Why couldn’t you continue to be this awesome.

**Isa:** Because the plot needed me to be evil.

**Lea:** Crap baskets. *turns to face the castle* You ready?

**Isa:** For what?

**Lea:** I AM STARING AT THIS CASTLE.

**Isa:** …What, are we joining the castle guard or something? Is that how we got roped into the Organization?

**Lea:** Pfft, I don’t fucking know.

**Ventus:** …Are they gone? Can I leave the planet now? *looks skyward* Must be nice, knowing who your friends are. Which…kinda comes the fuck out of nowhere. Considering I understandably think that Terra’s turning evil and I’m doing nothing to stop it and I think that Aqua’s turned into a controlling bitch when she’s just visibly reluctantly following orders. Really, I think _I’m_ the one who’s being a poor friend at this rate…Maybe not trusting Aqua so much anymore could be believed, but why the hell do I mistrust Terra as well now? We just renewed our friendship again before he left! This bullshit’s so fucking stupid and makes no sense!

**Frolic Flame:** Oh, am I based on Lea knowing fire shit? That’s cool, I can get behind this.

~HOLY BALLS THREE NEW PLANETS ARE AVAILABLE NOW!~

**Ventus:** Time to get the least fun one out of the way first! The one where you apparently need a ticket in order to visit a fucking _planet,_ so it's likely that this one, at least, knows it's not alone in the universe. *lands in Disney Town* Huh, this place actually seems kinda cute. Not sure that the lopsided architecture would actually hold up but to each their own, I get it’s got an asthetic…

**Pete:** I’M A SUPERHERO NOW!

**Ventus:** What were you before?

**Pete:** Jerk-ass butt monkey. But things are different now! I stand for truth, justice, and the Disney way!

**Ventus:** The hell does Disney have to do with the truth.

**Pete:** Captain Justice will vanquish you for that insult!

**Ventus:** I refuse to call you that.

**Pete:** Aw, come on! Gimme a chance to help you so I can prove myself to you!

**Ventus:** I’m kinda just going around trying to make new friends now, I guess. For some reason Terra and Aqua being constantly worried about me means they’re not my friends anymore apparently so I want new ones.

**Pete:** …Why?

**Ventus:** Uh, ‘cause bad storytelling.

**Pete:** Oh, ri—Yeah!

**Ventus:** But you’re kind of overdoing it so I’m not too sure you fit the bill, sorry.

**Pete:** That’s fine, who needs friends anyway. Just tell me if you have anything I _can_ actually help you with, and then vote for me in the contest!

**Ventus:** What contest?

**Pete:** The being a nice person contest! And that’s me, I’m super nice, willing to help anyone who needs it! No ulterior motives from me!

**Player:** …Dumb as hell and _waaay_ overdoing it, but…Pete seems like an okay dude in this game. What the hell happened over the past ten years?

**Ventus:** Hey, mind playing tour guide? I’m new here. Why are the houses so lopsided? And why are there streamers and things everywhere, is there some kind of festival going on?

**Pete:** There sure is! The Dream Festival’s happening all up in this bitch, which is why I put balloons and shit everywhere! And also there are a bunch of mini-games you can get frustrated by and probably never get the trophies for!

**Ventus:** …Oh. Fantastic.

**Pete:** Ain’t it? And remember, Captain Justice is the one who helped you out, got it?

**Ventus:** Sure, fine, whatever.

**Louie:** You'd be surprised how much diarrhea fits in a dead man's coffin.

**Dewey:** I wouldn't.

**Huey:** ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! NO ICE CREAM FOR ANYONE EVER AGAIN!

**Dewey:** Like I'm not screaming as hard as you, but like I am in my heart.

**Pete:** ON IT!

**Ventus:** Well maybe this place won’t be _so_ bad, I mean I can see Queen Minnie from here, she’s nice.

**Disney Town title card:** Oh great, the music got an upgrade. Now it’s five times as loud and annoying as fuck. This part’ll be fan-tucking-fastic, I can just tell right now.

**Ventus:** *dicks around the town killing Unversed and shit and checking out the underground area and doing everything he can without Glide* That huge-ass pinball machine was _sick!_ *cranks up “Pinball Wizard” while playing that section because of course* Okay, level forty’s probably fine, let’s get the mini-games over with I guess. *goes over to talk to Mini and the ducks*

**Pete:** LOOK I TOTALLY SAVED THAT KID OVER THERE! Sorry, but if you need more saving you’ll have to wait until I help out my friends here!

**Minnie:** Okay, dude, you don’t actually have to _save_ any of us.

**Huey:** Yeah, we’re just trying to create our own ice cream so that eleven years from now our great uncle Scrooge can steal it from us like it was his own idea. *muttering* I wanna have him be called Grunkle Scrooge in the new show at _least_ once...

**Dewey:** …I just realized that we won’t age in eleven fucking years, what the shit, why are we all still ten and why do we suddenly have the voices of fully grown adults in the reboot at _ten._

**Louie:** And apparently because we can’t get this one ice cream idea out of our heads, that means that no one’s gonna get any ice cream because fuck you.

**Pete:** No! We _will_ let everyone have ice cream! Just tell me what to do!

**Huey:** Can you figure out how the ice cream machine works? ‘Cause frankly we’re too small to actually reach all the buttons.

**Dewey:** And we wanted to let Queen Minnie be the first to try it because she’s royalty and King Mickey’s not even here.

**Minnie:** That’s fine, I’m kind of on a diet anyway.

**Louie:** …Why.

**Pete:** I’m _way_ bigger than you, I’ll be able to do the thing no problem! *apparently fails offscreen as there are scoops of ice cream all over the stage he’s apparently aiming at* This thing sucks, why would you aim at a dirty-ass stage when you could produce ice cream in a fucking kitchen where there’s some semblance of hygiene? And furthermore, how does this much ice cream even come out of the machine when I never see anyone pouring anything into it? Maybe if I took it apart to see how it worked—

**Minnie:** DO IT AND SUFFER MY WRATH!

**Huey, Dewey, and Louie:** Yeah, quit fucking lying!

**Pete:** I don't know enough to lie about it! I need tons more knowledge before I can lie!

**Ventus:** Hey, I know I’m smaller than him but I’m still bigger than you so I could probably control it. Mind if I try?

**Pete:** NO! If there’s one heroic thing I do all day, _please_ let me try to dissuade you! Trust me, you do _not_ know what you’re about to get into, kid!

**Ventus:** Aw come on, it’s just some harmless mini-game! How could it possibly hurt me?

**Huey:** What he said! Now here’s the tutorial for how this mini-game works.

**Pete:** …Why didn’t you give that to me?

**Dewey:** It’s like we’re not telling you because we wanna watch you fail.

**Pete:** Ah.

**Louie:** So yeah, it’s basically a rhythm game. The machine plays music and you launch scoops of ice cream at whichever one of us is dancing at the time, according to the beat of the music. Got it?

**Pete:** I hate it when kids hold up something and run around happy. It makes me want to punch them in their fucking face.

**Ventus:** You're not wrong. Still…How exactly is this gonna _create_ a new ice cream flavor if I’m just, you know, stacking shit.

**Minnie:** Play the mini-game or I’ll rip your spleen out through your throat.

**Ventus:** Okay, okay, Jesus!

**Music:** *starts*

**Ventus:** …No…No, it can’t be…It just can’t be…

**It’s A Small World After All remix:** *starts playing*

**Ventus:** How…How did Yoko Shimamura survive this?! This is agony!

**Louie:** Aw come on, it’s not that bad! Now follow the beat!

**Ventus:** *tries desperately to play the mini-game despite the bleeding ears*

**Huey:** Come on, quit your bitching, that ride is great and you know it!

**Ventus:** NO IT ISN’T!

**Some Jerk With A Camera:** The original concept of this ride was to show the various children of the world all singing their respective national anthems, but somehow that didn’t work. So they fixed the problem just like you fix a house on fire by pouring gasoline on it. They hired the Oscar-winning Sherman brothers of Mary Poppins fame to compose… _the Song._

**Richard M. Sherman:** People think it’s a little novelty. It’s a prayer for peace!

**Some Jerk With A Camera:** A _PRAYER_ FOR _PEACE?!_ You and I _BOTH_ know, for a _FACT,_ that all the greatest and bloodiest wars in human history have been _directly_ caused by that song, and you call it a _PRAYER FOR PEACE?!_

**Dewey:** Oh please, the ride was created for a good reason and you know it.

**Some Jerk With A Camera:** All right, granted, the damn thing _was_ originally built for the charity Unicef which provides aid to needy children around the world, but…all right, fine, I guess you have kind of a point—

**Richard M. Sherman:** We’re going down the freeway, going back to the studio from where we were, and Walt was driving…

**Robert B. Sherman:** We said, “Walt, we’d like to donate all the royalties from this song…to the kids.”

**Richard M. Sherman:** He actually pulled over to the side of the road, slammed the brakes on and said “You’re not gonna give those royalties away!”

**Robert B. Sherman:** He said, “Don’t be silly. You’re getting a lot of money for this.”

**Some Jerk With A Camera:** …You’re telling me Walt cared more about his already rich songwriter friends getting paid for this shit WHEN THE ROYALTIES COULD HAVE GONE TO _CHILDREN IN NEED?!_ _**FUCK!**_ NOW I _REALLY_ HATE THIS GODDAMN RIDE!

**Louie:** …Okay, you win this round.

**Ventus:** I like this so little that I cannot even describe my dislike. *finishes under protest* I hope I get disemboweled one day.

**Huey:** Your ranking is “cool.” Hey, not bad. Wanna try again? Get an even higher stack of ice cream?

**Ventus:** Why the fuck do you even need it to be this tall.

**Huey, Dewey, and Louie:** FOR _SCIENCE!_

**Ventus:** It’s not science, it’s a measurement.

**Dewey:** Well that’s science to us.

**Ventus:** It-It’s just a measurement, man, like—

**Louie:** That’s science. In science you have to measure things.

**Ventus:** Your pleasure center is a shit. *shudders* Maybe I’ll try for the trophy/completing my Reports thing whatever at a different time…

**Minnie:** Okay, my self-control is like nothing so I ate all five-plus meters of that ice cream. I have to go lie down now, but first I wanted to thank you, you old so-and-so.

**Ventus:** It’s Ventus. Call me Ven.

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Huey:** YAY YOU HELPED US DO THE THING.

**Louie:** Sucks that we’re still too small for this though.

**Dewey:** And this just really creates _quantities_ of ice cream, anyway. If we really want to change the _quality_ of it, we’re gonna have to rely on outsiders to bring us random ingredients that are dropped by terrifying monsters so we can COME UP WITH A NEW RECIPEH, and then randomly pick one of them to be the super special new ice cream depending on which of the main characters shows up here last.

**Pete:** …That sounds really stupid and lazy. Still, I agree with you that this machine is basically useless outside of trophies anyway. Time to destroy the shit out of it!

**Minnie:** Wait! The three mains need to get Fantastic on the master mode of Dessert Dreams if they want a hidden Command Style!

**Ventus:** Oh, shit, she’s right, don’t do it!

**Pete:** …Okay, fair enough. See you whenever the other two show up, I guess! *fucks off*

**Ventus:** …So what the hell’s with that guy, anyway.

**Huey:** He is, how you say, kind of a dick.

**Dewey:** He _could_ be actively taking a turn for the better, but I kinda doubt it, he’s probably just going for the Million Dreams Award.

**Ventus:** Which is?

**Minnie:** Citizen of the Town award basically.

**Ventus:** Oh, so a popularity contest.

**Minnie:** No, it—

**Ventus:** Yes it is, don’t deny it.

**Louie:** And frankly the award is just an ice cream cone. That’s literally it, he’s overhyping this shit way too much.

**Minnie:** It’s purposefully a small token of appreciation. The contest isn’t supposed to be competitive at all, really, and the reward isn’t supposed to mean all that much. It’s people deciding who’s the most altruistic person amongst us.

**Ventus:** …Yeah, about that…Ever heard of a guy called Immanuel Kant?

**Minnie:** Heard of him, but what does he have to do with this conversation?

**Woolie:** You should recall—

**Pat:** He is a very famous old-timey philosopher man.

**Woolie:** He’s the guy that says you can never do something that is selfless.

**Pat:** Never.

**Woolie:** Everything you do is—

**Pat:** Altruism is just, uh, is just an inner benefit for your conscience or piece of mind.

**Woolie:** Exactly. Even if you act nicely on behalf of other people, you’re doing it so that you can feel like a better person.

**Pat:** What a downer!

**Woolie:** You can never be nice!

**Pat:** Never!

**Woolie:** You literally cannot have nice things!

**Huey:** …That’s nice and valid and all, but Pete doesn’t care about feeling good inside, he just wants material goods. So even if we were making an argument in favor of altruism it wouldn’t apply to Pete in any case.

**Dewey:** Gotta give him credit for not putting his own name on the ballot considering he knows for a fact no one would vote for him if he did, at least he’s starting to gain some brain matter.

**Louie:** Should’ve put himself down as “Deez Nuts,” it would've made his approval rating go up on principle.

**Huey and Dewey:** You’re shockingly not wrong, we still can’t believe that actually happened.

**Ventus:** *sees the three brothers laughing and starts singing quietly to himself*  
 _I’m all alone_  
 _All by myself_  
 _There is no one here beside me_  
 _I’m all alone_  
 _Quite all alone_  
 _No one to comfort me or guide me_  
 _Why is there no one here with me_  
 _On the long and winding road_  
 _To lift my heavy load_  
 _If there was someone here with me_  
 _How happy I would be_  
 _But I’m alone_  
 _So all alone_  
 _All by myself_  
 _I’m all alone_

**Minnie:** This sudden character de-motivation still doesn’t make any fucking sense whatsoever.

**Ventus:** Which is why it’s only the second saddest game in the series because this one’s easier to poke holes in.

**Minnie:** This is true.

~…Holy shit I’m already done with Disney Town how does that even work.~


	8. Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I WILL ABSOLUTELY TAKE SHORTER STORY CHUNKS IF IT MEANS WE GET MORE STORY UPDATES MORE OFTEN WITH ACTUAL CONTENT:** Super Best Friends Play, _Monty Python’s Flying Circus,_ Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abriged Series, _Naruto, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Farscape,_ TFS Gaming, _Pokémon,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now to the planet that is no tougher than Disney Town.~

**Olympus Coliseum Title Card:** Of _course_ you’re at the Olympus Coliseum, Mt. Olympus is right the shit over there! Where apparently anyone can climb it and chill, huh, weird…

**Ventus:** Am I heading toward Thebes, what’s going on here.

**Phil:** I dunno, I gotta run.

**Ventus:** …That certainly is a...person, I guess...

**Phil:** Okay, now to actually relax for _five fucking seconds…_

**Ventus:** Why would you want to do that?

**Phil:** FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I AIN’T TRAINING ANYONE ELSE! I DON’T CARE WHO SHOWS UP AND HAPPENS TO BEAR AN EERIE RESEMBLANCE TO YOU!

**Ventus:** …That was oddly specific—

**Phil:** NO IT WASN’T! And who in Halicarnassus are you?!

**Ventus:** *Googles Halicarnassus* Well I learned something new today.

**Phil:** Beat it already!

**Hercules:** PHIL! SINCE THIS IS A PREQUEL I’M HOWEVER OLD I WAS WHEN WE FIRST MET I GUESS! *runs up to them*

**Phil:** Dude why you gotta be so loud.

**Zack:** FOUND YA!

**Phil:** That’s why I didn’t want you to be so loud.

**Zack:** Okay so are you gonna admit you’re the bestest hero trainer ever now or what?

**Hercules:** Of course he is, why wouldn’t he be?

**Ventus:** Huh. Neat.

**Zack:** Exactly, which is why he’s gonna take me on as a student!

**Phil:** Look, we’ve been through this. I don’t care if this is technically the start of it, I’m sick of Final Fantasy characters fucking around with my shit, I don’t care if they’re only sending some of the best the series has to offer! By that logic _Lightning’ll_ be in KHIII!

**Ventus:** No she won’t, she is _so_ not the best.

**Phil:** Tell that to Motomu Toriyama, we already know she’s gonna be in the game somehow.

**Ventus:** Ah shit, you’re right.

**Phil:** And besides, I got two words for ya: Zeus didn’t strike me with lightning when I denied you, therefore you ain’t worth my time.

**Ventus:** Sixteen?

**Phil:** I was trying to do the math in my head and I was like oh wait I suck at it. C’mon, Herc, let’s get outta here.

**Zack:** Aw come on! I need to join SOLDIER somehow!

**Phil:** I don’t even know what that is — Shit, monsters!

**Ventus:** Where do these guys keep coming from?! *draws Keyblade and runs forward*

**Zack:** Alright, murder time!

**Hercules:** Why don’t I have a sword yet.

**Phil:** ‘Cause it’s more personal if you punch ‘em to death.

**Zack:** Phil! Watch me, Phil!

**Hercules:** Phil, don’t watch him, Phil!

**Ventus:** Oh forget you guys. *slaughters all of the respawning Unversed* I don’t like the guys I can’t attack head-on.

**Zack:** Somehow there are three more. One for each of us, I guess.

**Hercules:** I need to work on my clumsiness, I’m basically Tonks right now if she had superhuman strength.

**Phil:** …Okay, fine, I’ll watch the games and train whoever wins, no matter how much that fucks with the movie’s or indeed Greek mythology’s canon.

**Ventus:** Right, because the movie didn’t fuck with Greek mythology’s canon enough.

**Phil:** I don’t know what you’re talking about.

**Ventus:** Of course you don’t.

**Zack:** All right, cool, that’ll be fun for me. Just let me put my name down and I’ll be right back!

**Ventus:** That a tournament-style thing? Could be good to get some more experience in, who knows how hard the last few fights’ll be on Critical.

**Phil:** Yeah, except you can’t since that kid just filled up the last spot on the roster.

**Ventus:** Ah spit.

**Hercules:** …So you’re just up and ditching me, huh?

**Phil:** Keep your toga on, pal, just think of this as an opportunity to show off everything I’ve taught you so far and we’ll see if it paid off, all right?

**Hercules:** …Phil? No one likes backstabs. Those’re lame.

**Phil:** I’m also not training you for a while either, wouldn’t be fair to the other guy I’m not even gonna consider. *leaves*

**Hercules:** And fuck you too.

**Ventus:** I’ll help you train if you want! Name’s Ventus.

**Player:** *fills shot glass*

**Hercules:** Yeah? Cool! I’m Hercules!

**Ventus:** …Don’t you mean Heracles?

**Hercules:** What do you mean?

**Ventus:** I-I mean that you…kinda look cross-eyed when rendered in three dimensions, sorry, bro.

**Hercules:** No prob, I get that a lot actually. Oh, you can call me Herc if you like.

**Ventus:** And you can call me Ven!

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Ventus:** You don’t have any anxiety issues, do you?

**Hercules:** I’m a little shy but once I get into a groove I’m pretty okay.

**Ventus:** Good, then me telling you that you’ll be fine _won’t_ stress you out further.

**Hercules:** Nope! Anyway, I’m gonna go climb that mountain over there. See you at the top!

**Ventus:** Uh, okay? *spends a large amount of time hopping between the only two areas that have monsters in them in order to gain a few levels before finding Herc in the vestibule* So what’re we doing?

**Hercules:** The mini-game that Terra and Aqua won’t be aware of unless they both decide to revisit the world for no reason and happen to see that I’m staring at them expectantly!

**Ventus:** …Which is?

**Hercules:** You smash more pots and gain more points than me, you win.

**Ventus:** Okay, that sounds easy. *wins super easily* Hey, I won super easily. Also Phil’s watching.

**Phil:** No I’m not! *walks away*

**Hercules:** Sorry, I was still punching through pots, what were you saying?

**Ventus:** Nothing, I was just wondering what we’re supposed to do next.

**Hercules:** More pot smashing but with barrels.

**Ventus:** *wins again*

**Hercules:** …Well shit.

**Ventus:** So why do you want to become a hero?

**Hercules:** Not just any hero, but a true hero.

**Ventus:** Hmm. Okay, obviously there’s some kind of distinction for you.

**Hercules:** See, I’m kind of a demi-god.

**Ventus:** Yeah, you’re father’s Zeus.

**Hercules:** And my mother’s Hera, and I was stolen from them when I was a baby and turned mortal.

**Ventus:** …I heard that you were always mortal, and your father liked to sleep around with mortals and one of them was your mother, so you have godlike strength but you’re still mortal. Also I heard your name was Heracles so Hera would be less pissed at Zeus.

**Hercules:** Well you heard wrong.

**Ventus:** I know, it had no effect whatsoever—

**Hercules:** No, I mean my version’s right.

**Ventus:** It’s really not but just continue or we’ll be here for the next ten or eleven years or so.

**Hercules:** Okay, so if I become a true hero, I’ll be able to become a god and return to Olympus.

**Ventus:** …Which is where we are right now.

**Hercules:** True, but we’re not chilling with the gods or anything, we’re kind of just…on the mountain.

**Ventus:** Ah.

**Hercules:** So what’s your story? Why are you here?

**Ventus:** Making new friends hopefully. My old ones…It’s a long, convoluted story and my motives make no real sense.

**Hercules:** Well you made one new friend at any rate, despite the lies you’re trying to spread about my family.

**Ventus:** Hey, I’m just going off what I heard. Shit gets changed in retellings all the time.

**Hercules:** Fair enough.

**Zack:** I still exist.

**Hercules, Ventus, and Zack fangirls:** Oh, we know.

**Phil:** Okay, so the two of you are starting on opposite sides of the tournament. Murder everything in your path until both of you get to the final for this particular tournament. And if you do well there, you can fight the winner of the last tournament. Whoever beats him, I’ll train.

**Zack:** Works for me, I’d love to fight that guy again.

**Hercules:** S-Sure. *follows Zack into the coliseum*

**Ventus:** Wonder if I’ll eventually have to fight the previous winner as my boss fight for this level.

**Hercules:** Ven, you watching or not?

**Ventus:** Only if I actually get to watch you guys fight and you don’t just throw screenshots at me — OH COME ON!

**Hercules:** *about to start the finals* The worst part about snow globes is that once you shatter them over someone’s face, you can’t put them back together.

**Phil:** This is true.

**Hercules:** Wait, why am I even talking to you right now.

**Ventus:** No idea, but conglaturations on making it this far, bro!

**Hercules:** Thanks, and thanks for training with me!

**Phil:** See, you don’t need me after all.

**Hercules:** It’s only because you wouldn’t train me at all! I know I’d actually be doing way better if _you’d_ been training me instead!

**Phil:** You’re damn right. *leaves*

**Zack:** *runs up* Whoever wins, the loser can’t be a huge pussy and cry about it. *holds out his hand*

**Hercules:** Only on the inside. *happily accepts handshake*

**Zack:** That’s the spirit!

**Hercules:** Looks like we’re friends now too!

**Zack:** Excellent! Let’s murder each other! *starts fighting Hercules*

**Ventus:** A dude with a sword and a dude who just punches and both are just dodging. THE HYPEST GAMES ON OLYMPUS.

**Terra and Aqua:** YEAH DOESN’T IT LOOK LIKE A MATCH BETWEEN US?!

**Phil:** Stop hallucinating and come save the townspeople that don’t exist! Or at least stop the monsters from interfering with the games, that’s more important anyway, really.

**Hercules:** Somehow I’m baffled by the thought of monsters existing even though I was just fighting them with you guys both outside and in the ring not even five minutes ago!

**Zack:** So, should we go and fight them, or…?

**Ventus:** Leave the monsters that are destroying crap and killing people to me! This match of two teenage boys competing over who’s gonna be taught by a goat-man is _way_ more important that saving lives and keeping the peace! *runs outside* Okay, I should _definitely_ save before I go and fight what I know is gonna be a tremendously hard boss fight, I mean who knows what Titan’s gonna be waiting for me when I get there…

**Town near Thebes:** *only has five million Jellyshades*

**Ventus (nearly typed Roxas again, that hasn’t happened in a while):** …Jesus, at least more Buckle Bruisers would’ve been a challenge. I mean sure there are a lot of ‘em but I can tell they’re all really weak and even if they gang up on me I have so many Curagas plus Leaf Bracer so who even gives a shit.

**Hercules:** THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN FIGHT THEM ALL WITHOUT ME!

**Ventus:** …Dude, you have no idea how much I got this. You literally just forfeited for no reason.

**Hercules:** Don’t care, friends watch each others’ backs.

**Ventus:** …Eh, it’s true—

**Hercules:** And this is definitely gonna net me some hero points!

**Ventus:** …There really is no such thing as altruism, is there. *starts killing shit*

**Hercules:** Want me to spin you around and launch you at dudes?

**Ventus:** Sure, that sounds fine. *does the thing and they eventually murder everything in sight* So, now that you’ve lost your teacher forever and watched me TOTALLY LEARN AIR SLIDE, what are you gonna do next?!

**Hercules:** Iunno, move to Sparta?

**Ventus:** Ah shit, we missed a singular Jellyshade even though the game said we beat them all. Oh well, even if it hits Herc it won’t do that much damage—

**Zack:** SMACK ATTACK!

**Ventus:** …Or.

**Zack:** WHY DIDN’T I GET TO KILL ANY?!

**Hercules:** You mean like the one you just totally killed?

**Zack:** I wanted to help out the townspeople too, but I am not fast.

**Ventus:** So did Zack win because Herc quit first or did you both quit and there’s no winner, only losers?

**Hercules:** I quit first—

**Zack:** There are only losers—

**Hercules and Zack:** No I’m right you’re wrong QUIT COPYING ME _I SAID STOP IT!_

**Phil:** Both of ya shaddup, I’m training Herc ‘cause he did in fact leave first in order to _help_ people. Sure, being strong helps with the helping of the people, but you gotta want to help people more than anything else in order to actually be seen as a hero.

**Ventus:** So I’m more of a hero than either of you because I did it without even trying or caring. Awesome.

**Zack:** Ah, fuck nuggets. Oh well, I can always try somewhere else. *takes off helmet and we get treated to a glorious shot of his face* Conglaturations on your overall victory, Herc!

**Hercules:** …I’m sorry, I got lost in your eyes for a second there, you say something?

**Phil:** C’mon, kid, concentrate. You got a whole training montage song to get through before we can properly start the movie, ya know?

**Zack:** *predictably starts doing squats* Don’t count me out just yet! I still have to be a part of one of the most out-of-left-field video game plot twists of all time, you know!

**Ventus:** …You were always gonna keep training Herc, weren’t ya.

**Phil:** Kid, I got two words for ya: Motivation.

**Ventus:** Ah.

**Phil:** And I’m glad Herc met ya, Ventus. He probably wouldn’t have been able to get outta this rut he was in if he didn’t have someone to smash pots with apparently. I’ll definitely remember your face, kid.

**Ventus:** Hey, no problem, man. And I’ve learned that friends share things with each other. Like ice cream, and laughter. And I have no idea why I want to cry after saying that, but hey. Me, Terra, and Aqua will make things right between us, I’ve randomly decided after not having much reason to stop being friends with them in the first place. *turns to go*

**Hercules:** You’re leaving?

**Ventus:** Yeah, I’ve still got three more planets and then the end-game.

**Hercules:** But you’ll come back occasionally, right?

**Ventus:** On the off-chance I didn’t get enough ice cream ingredients, in which case maybe.

**Zack:** This is literally the last time that you as a person are gonna see me hanging around outside of maybe a Mirage Arena level or something, I forget. *does squats again* So drink me in while you still can.

**Ventus:** …I was into _Naruto_ before I was into _Final Fantasy._ I’m sorry, bro, I can’t get the fact that you have Sasuke hair out of my head.

**Zack:** SASUKE STOLE HIS HAIR FROM _ME,_ ASSHAT! *tackles Ventus to the ground and beats the shit out of him while Herc and Phil point and laugh* You’re welcome for the D-Link, by the way.

**Ventus:** *coughs up blood* Yeah…great… I appreciate you. You are my new friend. For this you will be brutally murdered on-camera.

**Mark of a Hero:** …He bonded more with Herc than with Zack, so why does Zack get the D-Link? I’m not complaining, I’m just wondering.

~So I was minutes away from buying a giant, half-my-size Stitch plushie down in Orlando, but the Hufflepuff robes and Sirius Black wand replica were higher priorities.~

**Ventus:** *recovers from his broken ribs and slashed organs out in space* Awright, time to hit up a new planet! *goes to Deep Space* Why am I still in space. Is it because I’m in Deep Space? And now I’m just heading towards a bright light for some reason. Which an Unversed is coming out of, great.

**Metamorphosis:** Did you know that space is ninety percent asteroids? *punches Ven in the face as it passes*

**Ventus:** Okay, fuck whichever planet this is supposed to be, you’re going DOWN! *bashes Metamorphosis over and over again with his space hover board, which apparently works since it’s actually his Keyblade. Hey, wouldn’t it be wacky if all three main characters’ armor changed as their Keyblades changed? You know, for a little costume change now and again? Or is it just me who wants it?*

**Metamorphosis:** *eventually gets bored and goes off to the Prison Transport Durgon*

**Ventus:** Damn it, your health bar was all the way down, why aren’t you dead?! *flies after it*

**Deep Space title card:** Wait, how did he just get inside the ship?

**Ventus:** Yeah, take that, space.

**Captain Gantu:** *talking to Experiment 626 who’s locked up and upside down with two massive guns pointed at his face* Uncomfortable? Aww. Good. The council has banished you to exile on a desert asteroid, so _relax!_ Enjoy the trip! And don’t get any ideas. These guns are locked onto your genetic signature. They won’t shoot anyone but you. *pokes Experiment 626 in the face*

**Experiment 626:** *bites him*

**Captain Gantu:** Ow! Why you… *shoves his gun in Experiment 626’s face*

**Alarm:** *starts going off*

**Captain Gantu:** Ah, right at the best part. I have to go deal with this intruder. Now don’t go anywhere.

**Experiment 626:** *growls at him*

**Captain Gantu:** Feh, whatever. *runs off*

**Experiment 626:** *figures out that the guns’ll follow his saliva and spits at the wall, forcing the guns to shoot a hole in it, then jumps out and dodges his way to the hole*

**Ventus:** *stares at transporter* Why are the transporters only busted in my section but Terra and Aqua can go from here to the prison cell whenever they want.

**Captain Gantu:** Don’t know, don’t care, now who the frell are you and how did you get onto my ship.

**Ventus:** You are tall, sir.

**Captain Gantu:** I am well aware of this, now answer my questions.

**Ventus:** Ventus, through that door over there presumably, and I was chasing a monster that came through here.

**Captain Gantu:** Bull.

**Ventus:** No, roast beef, but I haven’t got it quite right yet.

**Captain Gantu:** I am still disbelief. We only detected the one intruder—

**Random voice over the intercom:** INTRUDER IN THE MACHINERY BAY! WE’VE LOST CONTROL OF THE ENGINES WHICH IS WHY THE FLIGHT WILL CONTINUE TO BE COMPLETELY SMOOTH THROUGHOUT THE REST OF OUR TIME HERE! STILL, LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF MONSTER IS CAUSING THE DAMAGE, AND NOT THE ONE WE JUST LOCKED UP! SPEAKING OF, WE SHOULD’VE REALIZED IT ESCAPED BY NOW BUT FOR SOME REASON WE HAVEN’T YET! WE’RE JUST NOT VERY GOOD AT OUR JOBS!

**Captain Gantu:** I hate everything. You stay here, I have to water board you later. *leaves*

**Ventus:** …Okay, now to leave before he gets back, and also kill that monster—

**Experiment 626:** *jumps down*

**Ventus:** …Well you’re ungodly adorable.

**Experiment 626:** Ven? Terra…Akoo-wa…

**Ventus:** You know Terra and Aqua?! Did I come to a planet _last_ this time?!

**Experiment 626:** *pulls out hand-made Wayfinder* Fren…Circle.

**Ventus:** Wow, when’d you find the time to make that and where’ve you been hiding it all this time, that outfit does _not_ look like it has pockets.

**Prison Ship Durgon:** *shakes violently*

**Random voice over the intercom:** WE’RE GONNA ASPLOAD! FINE BY ME, I NEVER LIKED ANY OF YOU ANYWAY!

**Ventus:** Shit, there’s no time now except I can take all the time I want if I want to level up or dick around collecting treasures and the like!

**Experiment 626:** *tries to follow after him*

**Ventus:** Look, little one, I don’t know your backstory and I don’t recognize your outfit as prison gear. I don’t want to see your adorableness getting hurt, okay? *runs off*

**Experiment 626:** *whimpers but stays where he is aside from the fact that if Ven goes back into that area he’s completely vanished*

**Ventus:** *fights his way through the ship’s corridor, unlocking gate after gate as he goes* Okay, looks like I made it through to the other side…

**Experiment 626:** *meanwhile apparently _is_ still in the same area because sure why not, staring at his home-made Wayfinder*

**Captain Gantu:** *destroys the frell out of it*

**Experiment 626:** *gasps and stares down at the broken pieces*

**Captain Gantu:** I don’t know how you got out, but we’re gonna put you right back where you were and somehow expect you to not escape again. And for some reason I expect the Grand Councilwoman to go soft on you even though she already set out a pretty harsh punishment. Frankly I think we should just kill you, since you’re just an alien-made weapon, an anomaly against nature, whose only purpose is to maim and destroy.

**Experiment 626:** *growls fiercely, but doesn’t immediately go for Gantu’s _gun_ *

**Ventus:** YAY A SAVE POINT. Time to go back and forth and level up forever! *goes back and forth and gets up to about forty or so* Damn it’s taking longer and longer to do that. *heads into the next area* HOLY SHIT I CAN ADJUST GRAVITY I NEVER KNEW I COULD JUMP THIS HIGH but I can’t get treasure chests this way, damn. *fiddles with the gravity controls until he clears the room and makes his way to the top of it* Hey cool, another weird gravity room. Why’s it only in these two rooms on the whole ship, I wonder. Also why is this one spaceship bigger than the entirety of Olympus. Also also why are those guns firing at my face. *makes his way through the save point and into the Engine Room*

**Metamorphosis:** *…is kind of just floating around and not really crashing into anything, just kind of minding its own business…*

**Ventus:** I MUST DESTROY EVERYTHING I SEE!

**Experiment 626:** *crashes through the wall and stops, ready to fight, beside Ventus*

**Ventus:** Dude, I know you just crashed through a wall, but I don’t think you can take this guy.

**Experiment 626:** *indecipherable babble*

**Ventus:** …Okay, guess you’re fighting with me, then.

**Experiment 626:** *apparently did indeed acquire a gun somewhere and shoots while Ventus slashes*

**Metamorphosis:** *occasionally attaches itself to the engine and tries to drain its energy*

**Ventus:** *throws Experiment 626 at it whenever this happens and manages to dislodge it*

**Metamorphosis:** *is eventually defeated*

**Experiment 626:** *is still shouting at nothing once it’s dead*

**Ventus:** Hey, calm down there, little buddy… *tries to put his hands on Experiment 626’s shoulders to calm him down*

**Experiment 626:** *throws him off like he’s made of paper*

**Ventus:** … _Ow?!_

**Experiment 626:** *finally tires himself out*

**Ventus:** …Okay, what happened.

**Experiment 626:** *shows him the broken pieces of the Wayfinder and whimpers*

**Ventus:** Ah. That is indeed an appropriate response. But still, friendship’s more than just an object. It can’t be broken so easily.

**Experiment 626:** Fren…ship…cir…cle?

**Ventus:** I don’t know the context but yes!

**Captain Gantu:** Why are you talking to that freak of nature as if it’s a person? All it knows is violence.

**Ventus:** …You’re a giant fish thing with a gun and a trigger finger. Also he helped me stop the thing that was actually destroying your ship.

**Captain Gantu:** Because it likes to _destroy_ things, even other destroyers of things!

**Experiment 626:** Ven, fren!

**Ventus:** He’s right, we’re friends now! It rhymes so it's true!

**Captain Gantu:** My orders were to exile it, but frell it, I’m killing it. Abomination.

**Experiment 626:** Stupid-head. *jumps at Gantu’s face and knocks him over, screaming gibberish at him before running off with Ven*

**Captain Gantu:** Frell! Someone on this ship stop those guys! I know we have plenty of officers on board besides the one announcer so where the frell are you drenlords?!

**Experiment 626:** WOOOOOOOO HAAAAAAAAA!*stole the red space police cruiser*

**Ventus:** This _is_ kind of fun, isn’t it? *still has his space hover board*

**Both:** *are dodging space bullets out in space*

**Experiment 626:** *motions Ventus to come closer*

**Ventus:** ‘Sup, nerd?

**Experiment 626:** *pulls on a lever that he found*

**Automated voice:** Hyperdrive activated. System charging.

**Ventus:** Huh, well that’s a way to get out. Maybe I’ll see you on another planet eventually?

**Automated voice:** Warning. Guidance is not functional.

**Ventus:** Or maybe not…

**Automated voice:** Navigation failure. Do not engage—

**Experiment 626:** *shoves the lever back in*

**Surrounding police:** Break formation! Get clear! *all police cruisers suddenly get off their tail*

**Ventus:** Wait, there _were_ others? Also this is gonna be bad, isn’t it?

**Experiment 626:** Meega jaji baba!

**Red space police cruiser:** *sends out shockwave when hyperdrive activates*

**Experiment 626:** Ven! *blasts off again* Twinkle.

**Ventus:** Shit, my space hoverboard that is also my Keyblade! Come back to me!

**Experiment 626:** Ven! D-Link!

**Ventus:** Nice!

**Hyperdrive:** …This is a weird fucking looking Keyblade, isn’t it?

~…WELP, HOPEFULLY IT WON’T TAKE HIM ELEVEN YEARS TO LAND THAT THING!~


	9. Whatever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Another Good Thing About All This Being Prewritten Is That I Don't Have To Force Myself To Be Funny While I'm Fucking Sick As Shit Like I Was All Last Week:** Super Best Friends Play, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Airplane!,_ TFS Gaming, _Once Upon A Time, The Dark Knight,_ Craig Ferguson, _Monty Python's Life of Brian,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~AWRIGHT, TIME FOR THE LAST PLANET THIS SHIT HAS TO OFFER!~

**Tinker Bell:** *flying around for no reason*

**Mickey:** *flying around on his Star Shard for no reason*

**Tinker Bell:** *flies after him, but not before she gives everyone a nice upskirt panty shot*

**Neverland title card:** Stay classy, Disney.

**Mickey:** I appear to have landed in the…Indian Camp, fuck, please don’t be horribly racist, please don’t be horribly racist, please don’t be horribly racist…

**Dark Corridor:** *opens*

**Mickey:** …Why isn’t anyone coming out of there.

**Vanitas:** Because I’m about to go _in_ there.

**Ventus:** Did I just dream that up or did that happen simultaneously.

**Slightly:** Tinker Bell? He dead?

**Cubby:** Did we just find a dead body? AWESOME!

**Slightly:** Why does this dead body smell like human urine? Instead of the animal urine I so crave?

**Cubby:** W-What?! *laughs*

**Slightly:** I don't know!

**Ventus:** Why am I so out of it, I should’ve just landed normally.

**Slightly:** Tink, kick him in the face!

**Tinker Bell:** *kicks him in the face*

**Ventus:** … _Ow?!_

**Slightly:** Who’re you?

**Ventus:** Name’s Ventus, and I can’t wait until I can get to that treasure chest that’s right behind me over there. But everybody just calls me Ven. Usually because I force them to with violence.

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Ventus:** _Ohhhh,_ I took a nap just now, that’s right! Apparently!

**Cubby:** So where’d you come from and how’d you get there? Did you fall out of your carriage as well?

**Ventus:** …Yes…?

**Cubby:** Oh, okay then.

**Tinker Bell:** *flies over to Slightly and pulls on one of his fox ears*

**Slightly:** Okay, fine, whatever!

**Cubby:** Later, I guess!

**Ventus:** Wait, I have a question! How did you find a fox big enough for that outfit and also did you slaughter a baby bear cub for its fur.

**Slightly:** Oh, the fox we found had a growth mutation!

**Cubby:** And we ate what was inside the bear first! The fox, too!

**Ventus:** Okay, that answers that. So where’re you very tiny children going without any supervision, anyway?

**Cubby:** Tink saw a shooting star and we’re gonna go on a fetch quest to find it!

**Ventus:** That…actually sounds like a refreshing change of pace. Mind if I tag along?

**Slightly:** No, we don’t mind, but you have to do whatever we tell you to do!

**Cubby:** It’s over by the most offensive part of the movie! Thankfully all those characters were cut from the game — I mean sure it cuts down on representation but on the other hand the representation itself was handled appallingly in the first place — but the fact that we still call it the Indian Camp still probably throws people off in not the greatest of ways.

**Slightly:** A planet without racism is barely a planet at all.

**Cubby:** How can you even evolve if you can’t hate.

**Ventus:** You two have very good vocabularies for your age.

**Slightly:** It comes with having nothing better to do around here besides explore the place we already know like the backs of our hands. OKEY DOKEY, LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! *leads the way*

**Ventus:** …Well at least those three vanished so they won’t be hurt when HOARDS AND HOARDS OF UNVERSED SHOW UP. *explores the shit out of everything and slaughters the shit out of everything and grabs every chest and sticker he sees and everything and stuff and junk and shit until he gets to the place where that tree that’s Peter Pan’s house is* HOW DID YOU GUYS GET BACK HERE.

**Slightly:** …We never left.

**Cubby:** Yeah, we’ve been here the whole time!

**Ventus:** NO YOU WEREN’T, I WOULD’VE NOTICED.

**Tinker Bell:** *shakes head sadly*

**Peter Pan:** *is singing off into the distance*  
 _I've gotta crow!_ *crows*  
 _I'm just the cleverest fellow_  
 _'Twas ever my fortune to know_ *crows*  
 _I taught a trick to my shadow_  
 _To stick to the tip of my toe_  
 _I've gotta crow!_

**Slightly and Cubby:** Hey, Pete!

**Peter Pan:** And who’s the new guy?

**Ventus:** I’m Ventus and your flying doesn’t phase me in the slightest apparently. Anyway, call me Ven.

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Peter Pan:** Sure, fine, whatever. Salute, men!

**Slightly and Cubby:** HEIL PETER!

**Peter Pan:** Yes, yes, heil me. Now who wants to get some booty?

**Ventus:** …Um, aren’t these two a little young for that?

**Peter Pan:** Too young for gold and jewels and things?

**Ventus:** Oh _that_ kind of booty, okay!

**Peter Pan:** Well what other kind is there?

**Ventus:** *glances at Tink* N-Never mind*

**Tinker Bell:** *shrugs*

**Cubby:** For some reason I’m under the delusion that gathering pirate treasure is new for us.

**Slightly:** I’m down.

**Ventus:** But I already raided every treasure chest I came across and according to my psychic journal that I don’t know how it keeps getting filled in since _I’m_ certainly not writing in it I don’t have that many left—

**Peter Pan:** So I saw Captain Hook with this humongous treasure chest that has nothing to do with item gathering and everything to do with the plot of this section. Wanna grab it or whatever?

**Cubby:** Sure, not much of anything better to do around here anyway.

**Slightly:** The kids who come here a decade from now sure will be confused when they realize there’s no Wi-Fi here and will want to go back immediately despite the supposed immortality/eternal youth thing.

**Ventus:** The what now?

**Slightly:** Nothing!

**Tinker Bell:** *kicks both of the kids in the face*

**Peter Pan:** What’s with all the physical abuse, Tink? You know that’s my job!

**Ventus:** There’s a shooting star that she was leading us to. I think she wants to focus on that first.

**Peter Pan:** But that’s new and exciting! I’d much rather enjoy the comfort of the old and familiar where nothing ever changes! Come on, Tink, whaddaya say!

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles and flies away*

**Peter Pan:** Would you stop calling me a silly ass already?! Ven, _you_ wanna do the fun thing we know is fun, right?

**Ventus:** Nah, this whole game started with a meteor shower, I much prefer shooting stars over random treasure chests of which I already found plenty. *leaves*

**Peter Pan:** …What a pisser. *flies off with Slightly and Cubby trailing after him on foot*

**Ventus:** *looks up at the tree house type thing* ...That's a noose, right? They're gonna hang somebody. Someone's coming here to _die._ *goes into Peter’s tree house real quick* Wha…They already have treasure, what do they need more of it for?! Also what’s a Moogle doing here. Eh, time to raid their house I guess. *steals everything before making his way to the Indian Camp* Eurgh, every time I even type that I want to throw up in my mouth a little…Oh, there you are, Tink, good of you to show up again.

**Tinker Bell:** *nods cordially*

**Ventus:** Now let’s see, what do we have…Mickey’s Star Shard? _That_ was the shooting star?

**Tinker Bell:** *flies toward it*

**Ventus:** I’m just gonna run forward a couple of steps…

**Captain Hook:** IN JUST THOSE FEW MILLISECONDS I MANAGED TO GET ME HOOK AND ME HAND ON BOTH THE FAIRY AND THIS HUNK OF MAGIC PLASTIC.

**Ventus:** … _How._

**Captain Hook:** Iunno. Maybe you just suck that badly.

**Ventus:** …Well Mickey doesn’t seem to be here so I’m gonna focus on the living first. Let Tinker Bell go!

**Captain Hook:** Nope! See you at Mermaid Lagoon for the most annoying part of this level!

**Ventus:** Or we could just have our boss fight right here and right now!

**Unversed:** Or you could hold off a little longer.

**Ventus:** Balls. *defeats them all and runs out of the Indian Camp* Aaaand now I feel like shit. *looks past that palm tree and has a flashback*

**Flashback Ventus:** Do you ever wonder what stars are? Where light comes from?

**Flashback Aqua:** Ven, I don’t wonder, I know.

**Flashback Ventus:** Oh. What are they?

**Flashback Aqua:** They’re fireflies. Fireflies that got stuck up in that big bluish black thing.

**Flashback Ventus:** Oh…Gee…I always thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away.

**Flashback Aqua:** Ventus, with you, everything’s gas.

**Flashback Ventus, Aqua, and Terra:** LET US NOW LAUGH AWKWARDLY.

**Fashback starry sky:** …Hi. I exist.

**Peter Pan:** STOP FLASHBACKING! *flies down next to Ven*

**Ventus:** Sorry, I was only flashbacking because I fucked up and now Hook has Tink.

**Peter Pan:** Well that sucks.

**Ventus:** He said the real level gimmick’s gonna be at Mermaid Lagoon, which I remember had the one area I couldn’t go before besides the other area that I’m still never going to be allowed to go to because I psychically know there’s nothing plot-related for me down that way.

**Peter Pan:** Okay, let’s fly off and save her!

**Ventus:** …Dude I can’t fly. I mean I can, this weapon I’m holding can turn into a flying space hover board that can actually go pretty fast, but I don’t want to use it for some reason.

**Peter Pan:** Do you think you can keep up on foot?

**Ventus:** Nope, you’ll be way far ahead out of my sight but by the time the next cutscene happens I’ll automatically be right behind you! *runs after the flying Pan* By the way, why do you have pointy ears? I thought you were a normal human, are you giving into the darkness?

**Peter Pan:** If you watched _Once Upon A Time_ I did.

**Ventus:** Yeah, that was weird. *follows Peter to the Mermaid Lagoon*

**Smee:** And here…we…go. Load the cannons and never stop firing at nearly the entire island for the rest of this fucking game! *plugs ears*

**Cannons:** *start firing from the Jolly Roger*

**Ventus:** Okay, when’s it starting.

**Peter Pan:** Right behind us. *winces from the explosion behind them*

**Ventus:** *draws Hyperdrive* _Dayum_ it’s lucky they have shit aim.

**Peter Pan:** Yeah, too bad we can’t actually fly and/or swim over to the ship, fight some pirates, and sabotage the cannons. That would just make sense. *dodges another cannonball*

**Tinker Bell:** *flies over to them*

**Peter Pan:** …Did Terra just release you, or…?

**Tinker Bell:** *nods vigorously*

**Peter Pan:** Wow, straight-up? Ven, I gotta handle this.

**Ventus:** Fine by me, I’ll go have a boss fight with Hook in a location that’s eerily close to where you’ll be going.

**Peter Pan:** Hold up, I have a present for ya. Tink, would you mind?

**Tinker Bell:** *sprays pixie dust all over Ventus*

**Ventus:** … *tilts head* Okay…?

**Peter Pan:** Try using Glide now. It’s not as good as actually being able to fly like every other time she does that but it doesn’t suck. *flies off as if to demonstrate, taking Tink with him*

**Ventus:** … *heads back to the nearest save point and gets every item and sticker and whatever else he couldn’t get before he had Glide, including the chest that contains Superglide in Disney Town* HOLY FUCK EVERYTHING IS SO MUCH EASIER AND GLORIOUS NOW except I’ll hardly ever use EXP Walker again because Gliding is just more fun. *goes back to Neverland and heads directly for the boss fight*

**Captain Hook:** *taps foot impatiently* …So did I actually hit him with cannon fire or what? Hmm, maybe I should go and actively look for a body before gloating over what may well be a nonexistent kill…

**Ventus:** Yeah he’s not dead, I was just talking to him two seconds ago. And by that I mean like a good hour or so, heh.

**Captain Hook:** Swoggle me eyes!

**Ventus:** … *goes on Urban Dictionary* …You want me to T-bag your eyes but make sure my balls are really sweaty first? ‘Cause the most popular definition of swoggle that doesn’t involve just saying someone’s really ugly is that it’s a “mix of suck, swallow and gargle; used to represent violent dick sucking, while slobbering all over oneself, and the person being sucked off.” And that doesn’t really apply to the eyeballs so I can only assume you meant the one that makes more sense.

**Captain Hook:** …Jesus Christ no, I’m just saying I’m surprised to see you here.

**Ventus:** …Then just say that.

**Captain Hook:** No.

**Ventus:** You might want to from now on, though.

**Captain Hook:** I would but I’m liable to forget in the next decade or so. Hang on, I need to check something. *takes out spy glass and checks on the Jolly Roger where Pan is looming over Smee and beating his chest* …Well fuck. Oh well, the cannons are still gonna keep firing over the rest of your and Aqua’s sections anyway. *jumps to the middle island thing in the water* So…wanna fight or something? *draws sword*

**Ventus:** Sure, why not, I could kill a wanna-be child murderer.

**Captain Hook:** Maybe one out of a hundred children are not worth murdering, a quote that I thought I would want to take back. But then didn’t.

**Ventus:** Go. Eat. A boat.

**Ticking:** *is heard*

**Captain Hook:** Shouldn’t you’ve digested that by now?! *sees the Crocodile behind him and panicks*

**Ventus:** Well at least that thing being around means that you'll be in a constant state of backdown. Awright, now to pounce on you when you’re at your most vulnerable!

**Captain Hook:** …You’re kind of a dick, you know that? *throws a bunch of exploding presents at Ven’s face*

**Ventus:** *dodges all of them in favor of bashing Hook to death*

**Captain Hook:** *falls off the island thing and lands in the water*

**Crocodile:** Shootin' my love juice in your butt-butt. *bites him in the butt-butt*

**Captain Hook:** AUGH MY BUTT-BUTT.

**Ventus:** Please let the love juice mean saliva. *repeats this cycle until Hook is the dead*

**Captain Hook:** *is not actually the dead but does fall into the water for a longer period of time and then suddenly becomes the next incarnation of Jesus Christ when he runs away from the crocodile on top of the water*

**Cubby:** Yo! The Terra subplot just finished on our end!

**Slightly:** Yeah, you two were actually on the island at roughly the same time, only he was in the Skull Mountain thing whatever the whole time you were here apparently! Also we found a huge pirate chest.

**Ventus:** *waits for them and Pan to reach him* Peter, why do you and I get to fly/sort of fly and these two don’t?

**Peter Pan:** Shush, now check out this awesome chest that can probably fit both the lost boys in it! *opens it* …This was _just_ filled with treasure, what the shit.

**Cubby:** Spilled out during the boat ride we just took.

**Ventus:** Well that sucks.

**Peter Pan:** Dude, you have no idea how little we need currency on this island.

**Slightly:** So let’s put in what _we_ treasure instead!

**Peter Pan:** Indeed, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL!

**Cubby:** Okay so here’s a bunch of wooden swords, a couple of crossbows and bolts, and some rocks.

**Peter Pan:** Ven, what’s your contribution?

**Ventus:** …This giant wooden Keyblade I keep shoved up my ass?

**Peter Pan:** I am honestly surprised you were never able to equip that.

**Ventus:** As am I.

**Peter Pan:** You sure you want to keep that locked up for the next eleven years, though?

**Ventus:** Hey, it’s not like I’m leaving my Wayfinder behind, and you have no idea how much my ass has been hurting from lugging this thing around. Honestly, now that it’s out, I feel as if a hen’s egg has been removed from my vagina.

**Peter Pan, Slightly, and Cubby:** What’s a vagina?

**Ventus:** …Never mind.

**Peter Pan:** Okay so the next time you swing by, we’ll have an even bigger box of crap waiting for ya!

**Ventus:** …That’s kind of a small ambition for the next eleven years or more but okay then! *puts Terra’s practice Keyblade in the chest*

**Tinker Bell:** *tries to add the Star Shard*

**Ventus:** Um, Tink? That actually belongs to a friend of mine. It’s impossible to control and might transport the entire chest to somewhere where no one will ever be able to find it again. Mind if I prevent such a catastrophe?

**Tinker Bell:** *tries to fly off with it*

**Peter Pan:** Quit being a bitch, Tink!

**Tinker Bell:** *reluctantly hands it over*

**Ventus:** Thanks — AH SHIT PLOT HAPPENING.

**Star Shard:** *activates and engulfs everyone in bright light*

**Slightly:** …Where’d he go?

**Cubby:** HE HAS ASCENDED! *points to where the shooting star that is actually Ventus with the Star Shard is bouncing all over the sky*

**Peter Pan:** Meh, it’s probably taking him to a place without any problems at all and will always be super happy no matter what.

**Ventus:** NO I DON’T WANNA HANG OUT WITH DONALD AND GOOFY I THOUGHT WE AVOIDED THAT THIS GAME!

**Peter Pan:** At least he gets to D-Link with me though!

**Ventus:** Oh good.

**Pixie Petal:** I’m surprisingly powerful!

**Ventus:** Well at least there’s that.

~HOLY SHIT WE’RE ALMOST AT THE ENDGAME FOR VENTUS THIS IS NUTS.~


	10. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Been A Rough Couple Of Weeks, Hope Everyone's Doing Okay:** Super Best Friends Play, _How To Train Your Dragon, Firefly, Doctor Who, The Producers, The Simpsons, Dragon Ball Z, Harry Potter, Avatar: The Lost Airbender,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann,_ and anything owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oh fuck, not these two. Thought we _avoided_ those assholes this game…~

**Goofy:** Ta-may-toe, ta-mah-toe.

**Donald:** Dude, I don’t know if you know this, but the difference between dicks and butts is kind of big.

**Goofy:** …Ta-may-toe, ta-mah-toes.

**Donald:** You might want to be careful with that!

**Goofy:** Who cares, I just wanna know where the king’s at these days.

**Donald:** Iunno.

**Goofy:** …As always, you’ve been a huge help.

**Star Shard:** *sends Ventus crashing right in front of them*

**Donald:** Okay, you can’t blame me for thinking King Mickey was back, that was a very bright light just then.

**Ventus:** OH I AM HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

**Goofy:** Snot him. *has a sad* But wait, he’s got the Star Shard the king stole — er, borrowed!

**Ventus:** …Wait, Mickey’s a _king?!_ I am disbelief. But I did see him a while back, he was—

**Donald:** *immediately starts ushering him inside along with Goofy* We’ve been worried sick about the King, and now he’s still missing while you’ve got what’s probably his only mode of transportation. Normally this would cause us to suspect you of harming the King in order to steal such a valuable object, but instead WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH WILL YOU HAVE MY CHILDREN-BABIES? NO? OKAY, FINE.

**Ventus:** I am distinctly uncomfortable.

**Mysterious Tower title card:** Dayum it’s been a while since the Mysterious Tower, hasn’t it?

**Ventus:** …Okay, now I’m outside and those two are nowhere to be seen. Eh, suits me fine. *collects all the bullshit and fights a small group of pretty fucking harmless Unversed before heading upstairs*

**Goofy:** Noiti Sopxe, sir! We still don’t know where the king is, but we know he is now without any form of transportation!

**Noiti Sopxe:** No kidding. How ya doing, Ventus?

**Ventus:** …Um—

**Noiti Sopxe:** Ecivresnaf.

**Ventus:** Ah. Okay, I guess.

**Noiti Sopxe:** No kidding. Speaking of Ecivresnaf, he ordered you to return to your home planet, did he not?

**Ventus:** …Wait, those orders were real? I thought Aqua was being overprotective again.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Eh. Kids’ll be kids, it’s good to have you make your own mistakes so you can learn to deal with the consequences.

**Ventus:** *smiles* Gorram I’m adorable.

**Noiti Sopxe:** So where’s the Star Shard, then?

**Donald:** I swiped it from him. *puts it on the table*

**Goofy:** This kid, Vegemite…Vegnagun…Roxas…

**Donald:** Just call him Ven!

**Ventus:** I was gonna tell you to do that anyway on pain of death, so yeah.

**Player:** *dies of alcohol poisoning*

**Donald:** Ven had it when he got here. WHICH MEANS HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE THE KING IS.

**Noiti Sopxe:** EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!

**Ventus:** So I ran into Mickey at the Keyblade Graveyard, right, and we both got sent flying to I think Radiant Garden, but then we lost track of each other and I found this in Neverland where Mickey was nowhere to be seen. Honestly, I checked the whole planet aside from those areas I didn’t check because the game wouldn’t let me.

**Donald and Goofy:** Well shit. *slump*

**Noiti Sopxe:** As I thought. Mickey has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. This is not surprising in the least.

**Donald:** Well now that he doesn’t have a way to switch planets, can you identify his location?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Iunno. Imma try, I guess. *holds out his hands and a group of clouds appear over the table, parting to show a live feed of a collapsed Mickey with his Keyblade drawn and nearly being blown away by the wind on what is clearly the Keyblade Graveyard planet thing*

**Mickey:** Oh…I fell on my keys…

**Ventus, Donald, and Goofy:** …WELL THIS SUCKS!

**Image of Mickey:** *fades away and the clouds dissipate*

**Donald:** So I don’t know what that place is and I don’t know if he equipped any Curagas to his Command Deck before taking off.

**Noiti Sopxe:** My magic’s getting cut off. It’s kind of annoying.

**Goofy:** If ya stayed long enough to identify the planet, just let me and Donald take out a Gummi ship and we’ll pick him up no problem!

**Noiti Sopxe:** *gigglesnort* You two? Both of you fail at life, there’s no way you’d ever be useful to anyone ever. _Ever._

**Goofy:** But I’m the captain of the King’s royal knights! *summons Shield*

**Donald:** And I’m his Grand Wizard! Which I don’t know why it sounds wrong but it does! *summons Staff*

**Ventus:** Thought that was Wakka, but okay...

**Noiti Sopxe:** Which is why you should never just let your friends into all the good jobs just because they’re your friends. Also frankly I don’t think Gummi technology is widely available yet, give it ten years or so.

**Donald and Goofy:** Oh.

**Ventus:** I can travel in space no problem and I’ve been to that planet before. Let me check it out and see what I can do.

**Donald:** If you go, we’ll go with you.

**Ventus:** No. Please God, no. Just consider this fulfilling a debt and _please don’t come with me._

**Donald and Goofy:** Well you suck.

**Ventus:** Don’t worry, I’ll bring your friend back safe. I actually tolerate him.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Okay, have fun with that I guess.

**Ventus:** Cool. Now I know there’s a sticker in this room so I’ll be right back once I’m off-planet.

**Donald and Goofy:** WE HAVE D-LINKS NOW!

**Ventus:** Oh joy. *leaves the planet and pops right back really quickly to grab what he needs*

**Noiti Sopxe:** Hey, since you’re here—

**Ventus:** Oh good, more talking.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Mickey’s impetuousness has caused me a number of headaches. I admire his courage, but a modicum of sensibility would serve him well.

**Ventus:** Yeah, that’s great—

**Donald:** How could we ever face Queen Minnie if something happened to the King?

**Ventus:** …You talk to her and tell her something happened to the King, because decent leaders don’t shoot the messenger.

**Donald:** Clearly you don’t know her like we do. All she does is eat children. All the fucking spiciest children.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, the King’s left the castle loads of times, but he always comes back safe and sound. I’m sure he’ll turn up via a different friend of yours, who'll be completely unconscious and severely harmed!

**Ventus:** Well that was oddly specific. *heads for the Keyblade Graveyard and sees Mickey still collapsed on the ground* Yo Mickey, you dead, brah? *runs up to him, turns him over, and lifts his head up*

**Mickey:** People leave their house because they’re like “WHY’S THERE SMOKE IN HERE,” and then you sneak in through the window, and give them flowers.

**Ventus:** …Okay, you’ve clearly got a concussion…

**Master Xehanort:** HI, EVERYBODY!

**Ventus:** *gingerly puts Mickey back down* HI, MASTER XEHANORT! Oh shit I’m suddenly remembering all of the things…You kicked me one time, man, what the shit! Also I was comatose on an island one time and then you dropped me off at Master Ecivresnaf’s apparently. *falls to his knees clutching his head in pain* Why does this seem really familiar even though this is a prequel.

**Master Xehanort:** Oh good, you’re remembering shit, this’ll make things easier. To FIND is to lose and to lose is to FIND, you see!

**Ventus:** Oh great, that’s back too, that’s great.

**Master Xehanort:** Okay, now remember the rest and do the fusion dance. Or fight with your other half, whichever.

**Ventus:** Hold up, I haven’t remembered that part yet!

**Master Xehanort:** FORGE THE ALL POWERFUL X-BLADE WHICH IS STILL PRONOUNCED KEYBLADE SO IT’S REALLY FUCKING CONFUSING!

**Ventus:** Don’t you mean χ-blade?

**Master Xehanort:** Still pronounced Keyblade.

**Ventus:** Well that’s annoying and confusing. And now I’ve fallen over.

**Master Xehanort:** This is where the fact that the subtitles can never be turned off in these games actually come in handy for once other than talking to Jaq. *summons a floating χ symbol in his hands, the same kind that Xemnas will show to Roxas later* It’s a letter of the Greek alphabet that doesn’t get too much attention, sadly, everyone’s so obsessed with alpha, beta, and omega. And it’s shaped like an X, which is presumably why my Nobody will constantly be putting Xs in all his minions’ names. Also so he can somehow put the Trace on them. That is a thing now. It’s spelled “Chi” by most but it can also be pronounced “Key” or “Kye.” AND APPARENTLY IT MEANS DEATH WHICH IS WHY PEOPLE OFTEN SHORTEN CHRISTMAS TO X-MAS BECAUSE JESUS WAS ALL ABOUT DEATH ON HIS BIRTHDAY WASN’T HE. Okay so maybe I got the meaning mixed up a little, who even cares. *summons a giant Dark Corridor in the sky*

**Ventus:** So it’s the ultimate Keyblade, even more powerful than Ultima, and I can help create it if I wanted or something?

**Master Xehanort:** YYYYYYYYYEP! Why do you think Ecivresnaf never wanted you to leave the Land of Departure? Why he’s never gonna give you the title of Keyblade Master no matter how strong you get? Why he was never gonna allow you to grow stronger than a sparring partner for Terra and Aqua in the first place? *gesticulates wildly* People fear what they don’t understand, and _boy_ are you impossible for him to understand. If you were to realize what you truly are, he figured you’d go and create the χ-blade for kicks or something I guess, even though you’re a being of pure light with no possible way of succumbing to evil which is why I have to persuade the shit out of you right now. Basically Ecivresnaf is a huge, mistrustful dick who never loved you.

**Dark Corridor:** *shoots lightning at Ventus, nearly hitting him in the face*

**Ventus:** *slowly gets to his feet* I don’t know why I’m suddenly believing everything you say, but it _is_ true that the Master never let me off-planet which I always thought sucked a whole lot.

**Master Xehanort:** I’m an Airbender now. *blows a gust of wind at Ventus with his outstretched hand* So yeah, go talk to him or whatever. See if he doesn’t try to kill you because you exist. *creates a whirlwind that sucks up both Ventus and Mickey into the Dark Corridor*

**Ventus:** *winds up in the fetal position out in space* …Dayum it’s a good thing I somehow put my armor on in transit. Wonder where Mickey went — AH MY HEAD. *clutches it and writhes in agony while floating in space* So what the shit am I supposed to be anyway, I thought clones didn’t happen until later in the series. Horcruxes maybe? Should I try a little slice of remorse pie? But I don’t even know why I should feel remorseful, not really, I just know that I’m one half of a weapon… *looks up and sees the Land of Departure planet* …WELP, TIME TO ASK SOME SHIT I GUESS! *saves a bunch of times before heading back to his home planet* Well this is cool, it’s daylight for once. Still, I do not feel great about coming home. I’m level forty-four now, the Master can’t ignore how strong I’ve gotten forever. And if Master Xehanort’s right, that’s exactly what Master Ecivresnaf _doesn’t_ want because he’s afraid of what I might become or something…Hmm…

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Ventus! Finally! Where’s Aqua, I thought she would’ve done the responsible thing and personally escorted you back instead of just assuming you’d do whatever she told you to do.

**Ventus:** Which is why I visited four additional planets before coming back here.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Figures. *puts his hand on Ven’s shoulders* Well, at least you’re home now. You’re still too weak to travel too far from here even though you’re at a higher level than Terra is right now. But he may or may not be an adult while you’re still clearly a much younger teenager so I’d prefer it if you stayed here until you got a little bit older—

**Ventus:** What, safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone? Gazing at the people down below me?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** …Huh?

**Ventus:** All my life I’ve watched them as I hide up there, alone! Hungry for the histories they show me!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Okay, clearly I should just see you as a rebellious teenager who’s feeling maybe a little claustrophobic and wants to spread his wings a little, but instead of using that to deny everything I immediately confirm your suspicions by asking what you’ve heard.

**Ventus:** That I’m some sort of plot device that’ll help create the most powerful weapon in the ‘verse. And I _really_ hope that you can tell the difference between χ-blade and Keybade since they both sound exactly the fucking same.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I can read subtitles, yes. *touches one of the scars on his face* I knew Xehanort was evil. Which is why I never stopped anything he did and allowed him to come and hang out and fuck things up.

**Ventus:** Yeah, you were all, “I hope that guy isn’t up to anything!” You mean the guy that’s scheming and doing evil shit constantly? And _murdering_ people?!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** It’s not great. Hey, can you see my flashbacks if I flashback?

**Ventus:** Don’t know, let’s find out.

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** Wait, Xehanort! Don’t do that bad thing, it’s bad and bad things will happen because badness! _Why_ are you so obsessed with the χ-blade? And let me know if you understood which blade I’m talking about, your back’s turned to me right now.

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** No, I got it.

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** So why do you want to destroy a shitton of planets, that’s essentially what you’d be doing.

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** Who cares, it’s happened before during the Keyblade War. And I know we don’t know shit about what happened during that time because Jesus Christ with Union X's slow-ass story updates, but that’s why I want to recreate it and find out what that tiny, precious light within the darkness was all about. It’s fine if everything gets destroyed because, if I do this right, it’ll all pop back up again eventually. And it’s a truly fascinating experiment I’m conducting right now, especially since the χ-blade is apparently the only Keyblade that can unlock the Keyblade War, because that’s a thing that has a door now. Why _don’t_ you want to find out about it, this shit’s awesome and interesting as hell!

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** Because I treasure the current lives we have and don’t want to lose all of the miraculous and beautiful planets there are in the universe just for the sake of your curiosity?

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** No, you don't understand, it's different when it's me because I want it.

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** You massive fucking hypocrite!

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** There's no hypocrisy here! I live my life for me! _I_ want to win!

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** What if you fuck this up, what if _nothing_ survives?! You'll be condemning the human race to absolute destruction!

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** _Fuck_ the human race! We _all_ emerge from darkness when we are born into the light anyway, do we not?

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** If you mean that the uterus has no light source until we emerge via vagina or C-section, then yes, but that’s just the nature of biology, if the womb had a light source that would kind of mean that the mother had a giant hole in her abdomen that would be severely bad for both mother and child due to the fact that they would probably be dying.

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** Stop ruining my metaphors. *turns to leave*

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** Okay, fuck it, I’m killing you before you cause the apocalypse. *summons Master’s Defender and lunges at him*

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** *summons No Name and shoots two bolts of nonspecific black stuff at Ecivresnaf’s face*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** … _OW?!_ *collapses*

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** *is now crackling with sexual energy*

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** *lifts himself up slightly with his Keyblade* So it’s all super evil? I’m guessing it’s super evil. Has the darkness taken you, Xenahort? Is that why your ears got pointy and your eyes are now glowing yellow? IS THAT WHY YOU HAVE AN EVIL-LOOKING GOATEE THAT ONLY VILLAINS WOULD HAVE?!

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** Yeah seriously, you’re a fucking idiot. *leaves*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** *is now done flashbacking* And then he fucked you up royal and seemed to repent and I took his word for it for some reason because he was an old friend and you always get a little stupid when that kind of thing happens. But I won’t lose to him ever again! *summons Master’s Defender*

**Ventus:** You’re gonna go after him and kill him off once and for all?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** No, I’m going to kill you.

**Ventus:** …Wait, what?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I need to make sure that the χ-blade is never created!

**Ventus:** Which you can do by killing Master Xehanort! Believe me, I don’t want to turn into a sword thing, I like being human! Why aren’t you killing the old friend who turned obviously evil instead of the boy you love like a son and has a perfect track record of always standing for truth and justice?!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Because you’re not even human anymore I guess maybe? Iunno. Anyway, forgive me.

**Ventus:** No!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** *shoots a giant burst of light at Ventus’s face*

**Terra:** OH FUCK ALL THIS SHIT! *flies in at the last second, still in his armor, and deflects the blast meant for Ven* WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Terra, I order you to move so I can kill your little brother!

**Terra:** *has his armor fade away* …No?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** WHY WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME ANYMORE.

**Terra:** Because you’re trying to kill my best friend who I know you love like a son?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** That makes sense. Except…no. And since you’re disobeying orders, I’m sorry, but that means I’m going to have to kill you too apparently. But I am severely regretful of it. See? Look at my one tear. That totally means that I don’t want to murder my children in a fit of complete stupidity when I can just explain shit instead. *lunges at Terra*

**Terra:** Yeah, just keep saying it, that’ll make it suddenly make sense. *blocks every strike*

**Ventus:** Terra, on second thought maybe it’s best if he just follows through with the killing me thing—

**Terra:** You shut the fuck up right now!

**Ventus:** …Dude I don’t think you understand—

**Terra:** Even though I totally do, I don’t have to because you’re my baby brother. *manages to push Ecivresnaf back*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** My child murder boner is erect and I will not have it be softened by the likes of you. *shoots a blast of light at them and they’re both pushed back*

**Ventus:** That seems to have hurt me even though I’m light incarnate.

**Terra:** *picks up Ven with one arm* Okay, could you stop now?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Eh…Nah. *stars crackling with light sexual energy*

**Terra:** …Fuck it. *starts crackling with dark sexual energy* Wow, totally expected my eyes to have turned yellow just there. And look, you may be my father figure, but I will not let you hurt my little brother figure! Also why am I holding Earthshaker again, I’m supposed to be rockin’ the Sweetstack.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Damn it, Terra, you just gave me a _legitimate_ excuse to kill you!

**Terra:** I don’t care! *points Earthshaker behind him and summons a portal to space that he throws Ventus into*

**Ventus:** Everyone’s kicking my ass today. Terra! Try to talk it out with him, okay? I don’t want you getting hurt and I don’t want you hurting him!

**Terra:** …Dude that’s probably gonna be fucking impossible.

**Ventus:** But you can’t kill your boss!

**Terra:** Well you can, it’s just not advisable. *portal closes behind him*

**Ventus:** *gets dropped off on Destiny Islands*

**Destiny Islands title card:** HEY DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE DROPPED OFF ON THE DESTINY ISLANDS?!

**Ventus:** *is shot out of the portal onto the beach under the bridge* Terra! I don’t like sand! It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere! *tries to run back into the portal but it closes before he can get there* Fuck it, I’ll travel back into space myself.

**Vanitas:** No you won’t. *is standing up on the bridge*

**Ventus:** YOU’RE THE ONE WHO STARTED ALL THIS!

**Vanitas:** I KNOW!

**Ventus:** OKAY. *starts to walk away*

**Vanitas:** Wait, we’re not quite done explaining everything yet. You’re strong enough now to have the rest of your memories returned and to also beat the game. Presumably. I mean you made it this far anyway. So…You wanna do it here?

**Ventus:** …Saying it like that makes it sound like you wanna do the sex with me.

**Vanitas:** No, I just wanna become the χ-blade with you and destroy the universe.

**Ventus:** Which is kind of the opposite of what I want to do so no.

**Vanitas:** Which is probably why we’re total opposites, yeah, which is why we should probably do it.

**Ventus:** Yeah, but here’s the thing, I’m not fighting you _or_ doing the fusion dance with you.

**Vanitas:** I bequeath to you your final flashback.

**Ventus:** GAH, MY BRAIN! I THINK I NEED THAT FOR THINGS! *clutches head and whines in agony*

**Flashback Neoshadows:** *are in the Keyblade Graveyard for some reason*

**Flashback Ventus:** Aww, come on, couldn’t you have started me off on Shadows? Also these are Heartless, what the hell, I didn’t think those existed for another few years.

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** Go big or go home. Also stop holding back on the darkness, I know you have some. Fear leads to anger! Let it or you’ll fucking die!

**Flashback Ventus:** I’m trying, but you’re not telling me how!

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** Just shut up and make the χ-blade already!

**Flashback Ventus:** But I already have a Keyblade! *holds up Wayward Wind*

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** No, the χ-blade, it’s spelled differently, learn to read subtitles while pissing yourself in fear.

**Flashback Neoshadow:** *attacks Ventus*

**Flashback Ventus:** WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD’VE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SWING A FUCKING SWORD A LITTLE MORE THAN NOT AT ALL BEFORE SENDING ME OUT HERE.

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** *watches the slaughter* Well that could’ve gone better. Also where did all those Heartless even go, anyway. *walks up to Ven’s unconscious body and kicks him onto his back* Huh, thought they would’ve taken his heart. Death works too, I guess. Or… *summons No Name and holds it over Ven’s heart, shooting a laser into his chest*

**Flashback Ventus:** …This feels weird. *watches heart emerge from his chest and watches darkness surround it and create Vanitas, sans helmet but the camera refuses to pan up to his face* And now that I’ve had a Horcrux created for me I’m just gonna go sleep-sleeps now. *eyes dull as he goes catatonic*

**Flashback Vanitas:** *descends to the ground*

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** Conglaturations, you’re Vanitas now.

**Flashback Vanitas:** I guess I do already have the helmet. I mean, uh, yeah, sure, whatever.

**Ventus:** Well those were some painful memories. Still don’t remember dick about my existence before that moment but now I almost don’t want to, _even though it's apparently super relevant._ *is still clearly in pain*

**Vanitas:** So yeah, come to the Keyblade Graveyard whenever you’re ready to make the χ-blade.

**Ventus:** I already told you, no.

**Vanitas:** Fine, I guess you don’t care if I murder Terra and Aqua, then.

**Ventus:** Who says they’ll even be there?

**Vanitas:** Please, everyone's been looking forward to this ever since the post-credits sequence of KHII, this is going to happen. *takes a Dark Corridor out of there*

**Ventus:** …Fuck. *pulls out Wayfinder* Terra, Aqua…I’ll be right there, gimme a couple minutes. *summons Pixie Petal and creates a portal to space that he flies through on his space hoverboard*

**Lost Memory:** I’m the only truly balanced Keyblade in this whole game that’s stronger overall than Sweetstack!

**Ventus:** What’s Sweetstack?

**Lost Memory:** Boy do you have some sidequests to catch up on…

**Ventus:** Whatever, it kind of sucks that you can never go back to Destiny Islands after just having a quick cutscene. *goes to the Keyblade Graveyard and lands in a different place than usual* So during the Keyblade war, there was a burst of something that gauged a chunk out of two different mountains, tore the top of another, and completely obliterated a fourth. Yeah, that’s not worrisome at all. Also that other gouge in the ground looks like Mickey’s head because of course it does. *summons Lost Memory* Damn this Keyblade’s so fucking sick. Also I’m gonna beat this game with the power of friendship, ‘CAUSE THAT’S THE WAY TEAM GURREN ROLES! _**JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!**_

**Keyblade Graveyard title card:** *LOOKS FUCKING SICK AS SHIT*

**Ventus:** *gathers some items and stickers before moving into the Twister Trench* Wonder why this place is called Twister Trench OH THAT’S WHY. *keeps getting caught while trying to get treasures* Oh, they only summon the weakest of babby Unversed, that’s fine then. Why are some of them huge and some of them normal-sized, it doesn’t change that they’re as weak as they were in the first few worlds of this game. *clears out the entire area before moving onto the final rest stop of the game*

**Moogle:** This is the final rest stop of the game, kupo! If you have any side quests or leveling you’d like to do before finishing the game, now would be the time, kupo!

**Ventus:** …I got some shit to do, then. *fucks off to the Mirage Arena* FUCKING IRON IMPRISONERS. *gets through as much as he can, dicks around on the Command Board for a while, wins all the races, and goes to collect ice cream ingredients* So this is what Terra meant by Sweetstack…Meh, I’ll stick with my Lost Memory, thank you very much. Aaaaand I don’t really feel like doing the other shit in Disney Town right now, I’ll do that shit post-game. Erm…Let’s see, level forty-six…LET’S SEE IF THAT’S HIGH ENOUGH TO BEAT THIS SHIT ON CRITICAL! *goes to the end of the game*

~Here’s hoping no one else was on the Destiny Islands while Ven and Vani were there.~


	11. Beyond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hooooo Boy, Get Used To This Scene:** Spoony’s Phantasmagoria 2 LP, _Firefly, Batman: Fortunate Son,_ Super Best Friends _Play, Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan, Highlander, How To Train Your Dragon, The Producers,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, _Harry Potter,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Hey this seems awfully familiar, you guys ever get the sensation of déjà vu? Ah well, probably nothing.~

**Keyblade Graveyard:** *is dusty and windy as shit*

**Rusty-ass Keyblade:** Just chillin’ in my graveyard.

**Terra:** I AM STANDING.

**Keyblade Graveyard:** *is _still_ dusty and windy as shit*

**Terra:** THIS IS THE BACK OF MY HEAD. *looks to the side* …Come to think of it, aren’t I supposed to be wearing armor or something?

**Aqua:** *is walking towards him* I thought I was supposed to be wearing armor too, what happened?

**Terra:** Maybe it was just to look cool for the trailer without actually giving away anyone’s identities?

**Aqua:** And yet our helmets came off eventually anyway.

**Terra:** Yeah, weird. We looked totally badass, though.

**Aqua:** This is true. *finally gets level with him* So I heard Master Ecivresnaf done bit it.

**Terra:** Okay, about that — he was straight-up trying to kill Ven. Our own little brother. So I fought him and he conceded that that was an incredibly stupid-ass decision and it looked like we were back on track. He saw that what he was doing was stupid and I probably could’ve used Curaga or a Hi-Potion on him or something if we had more time. Except Master Xehanort chose that moment to stab him in the back while he was weakened and he became one with the Lifestream.

**Aqua:** We have that?

**Terra:** Or pyreflies or something, I don’t know. And I get that Xehanort struck the killing blow but I still weakened him in the first place, still fell right into Xehanort’s trap. I’m willing to bet he told Ven…something so that he would go to the Master and so the Master would try to kill him and I’d have to defend him.

**Aqua:** Curse his sudden but inevitable betrayal.

**Terra:** I KNOW, RIGHT?! Oh and also our planet exploded.

**Aqua:** I know, I’ve been to the wreckage, it’s not great.

**Terra:** Yeah. But now that I know Xehanort’s a villain and a great personal trauma has changed my outlook on life, I’m going to start making changes to my lifestyle in order to become someone you and Ven can be proud to call friend again.

**Aqua:** *doesn’t speak for a long time* What is darkness but hate and rage?

**Batman:** Darkness is nothing but death…and crime…and the _rage_ of a _beast._

**Aqua:** Starting off like that, it sounds as if I’m actually gonna comfort you by saying that you did it out of love and the desire to protect what is basically our little brother. In reality, I have absolutely no faith in my best friend, thinking that you’ll never learn from your mistakes even though it involved you killing our Master which really would’ve woken you up. Tell me, how does the vague possibility of failing in the future honor our Master’s memory, Terra?

**Terra:** …Wow you’re a bitch.

**Aqua:** Which is why this is easier to lampoon than Days.

**Terra:** Infinitely so. Hold up, Ven’s here.

**Ventus:** I came through here the exact same way that Aqua did, why the balls are we coming from two different directions.

**Aqua:** …Rule of Cool?

**Ventus:** I guess…Figured we’d be wearing armor, though.

**Terra:** Us too, frankly.

**Ventus:** *gets level with them* Xehanort wants me to find Vanitas and make some kind of χ-blade.

**Aqua:** You two are gonna _make_ a Keyblade just by fighting?

**Ventus:** No, χ-blade, it’s pronounced exactly the same so you have to pay attention to the subtitles.

**Aqua:** Wait…if you two fight, you’ll transform into a weapon?

**Ventus:** Essentially, yeah.

**Aqua:** …What?

**Terra:** Huh?

**Aqua:** Who? Where? When? How?

**Terra:** If?

**Ventus:** *laughs* Just fucking throwing out prepositions!

**Aqua:** But no, seriously, what?

**Terra:** Ventus used to have the same amount of darkness in his heart as any normal person, _which is everyone, by the way,_ but Xehanort extracted it and created Vanitas with it which turned Ven into the zambambo he was when we first met him.

**Ventus:** How’d _you_ know?

**Terra:** Xehanort told me while I was still buying his remorseful act. Didn’t think you two could actually make a weapon if you tried hard enough, though. Didn’t know humans could do that.

**Ventus:** Well anyway, that’s why Master Ecivresnaf wanted to kill me. So the χ-blade could never be forged.

**Aqua:** I still have so many fucking questions.

**Ventus:** So do I. And I’m terrified of the answers. Especially considering Xehanort basically wants to destroy the universe just to see if anything comes of it. I don’t want to be the cause of that!

**Terra:** …We need to put our differences aside right now for the sake of the kid.

**Aqua:** I couldn’t agree more.

**Terra:** *puts his hand on Ven’s shoulder* Relax, little bro. We’re gonna get through this together, like we did a grand total of once this entire game.

**Aqua:** Oh come on, it was more than…Shit, it was just the Trinity Armor, you’re right, fuck.

**Ventus:** But if Vanitas finds me again, or if he threatens either of you, I might have to fight him after all. If that happens—

**Terra:** We’ll protect you no matter what, of course! Nothing can tear us apart except for the very events that are about to transpire, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL! *tightens his grip on Ven’s shoulder*

**Aqua:** And I’ll help too! *leans down and puts a hand on Ven’s cheek*

**Ventus:** … *removes both Aqua and Terra’s hands* The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. If I have to be killed so the universe can live, I need you two to do it.

**Terra and Aqua:** …I don’t like this game anymore.

**Ventus:** Aaaaand Master Xehanort just showed up. This is gonna be great.

**Master Xehanort:** *is walking towards them, with Vanitas appearing from right behind him, Void Gear already drawn, and both stop a good distance away* So yeah, all these Keys used to have an owner, apparently. Which really makes the whole There Can Be Only One thing from the first game total bullshit. And this is apparently where the whole Keyblade war that still has yet to be explained took place.

**Terra:** …Is he talking to us?

**Ventus:** I don’t know, I can’t hear a word he’s saying.

**Aqua:** Maybe he’s expositing a bunch of crap for Vanitas?

**Master Xehanort:** *rolls his eyes and speaks up* And according to what little evidence I’ve decided to interpret to suit my needs, everything was done to form the ultimate Key.

**Terra, Ventus, and Aqua:** Ultima?

**Master Xehanort:** …No, the χ-blade. *points dramatically at Ventus*

**Terra, Ventus, and Aqua:** …Fuck it. *all activate their armors at once as we prepare for the most cinematic moment thus far in Kingdom Hearts history*

**Ventus:** *tries to step forward*

**Terra:** *holds him back and runs forward instead, jumping up and slashing down at Xehanort*

**Master Xehanort:** Apparently being a Keyblade Master means I can Earthbend. Yeah, that makes sense. *raises his hand and simultaneously raises a wall of earth that Terra skims across before summoning a much larger cliff-face that he and Vanitas are standing atop*

**Terra:** *grunts and gets back up*

**Master Xehanort:** Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh… *raises his hand dramatically*

**Aqua:** Okay when did it get so dark all of a sudden, can he control the weather as well as the landscape? And the…Keyblades…that are suddenly forming into a giant serpent-like pattern and heading right for us? Ven, move!

**Vanitas:** *jumps on top of the Keyblade formation and rides it like a skateboard* Oh yeah, this is well possible.

**Ventus:** …What?

**Vanitas:** It’s-It’s well possible.

**Ventus:** Is that a—

**Vanitas:** Yeah, you can say that.

**Ventus:** Is that a phrase, are you serious?

**Vanitas:** Yeah, absolutely.

**Ventus:** I don’t know if I believe you.

**Vanitas:** Well, you don’t have to—

**Ventus:** And if I do believe you, I don’t know how much I do.

**Vanitas:** As long as it’s like a thirty percent trust rate, we can work with that.

**Ventus:** Thirty percent, that’s low.

**Vanitas:** I’ll work with low. Pays the bills. *crashes right into Ventus, knocking him over with the barrage of Keyblades before flying up and knocking Terra off of the cliff he was on*

**Aqua:** Am I the only one he’s not attacking — SHIT! *gets attacked from a bunch of Keyblades rising up from below* Oh I’m hurt! I am very much hurt!

**Ventus:** *runs up to her* Aqua! Your helmet fell off!

**Aqua:** So it did. Hang on a sec. TERRA! *casts Reflect on Terra so the Keyblades stop slashing the shit out of him. And then it explodes*

**Master Xehanort:** …Did I do that with my Keyblades, or…?

**Aqua:** I hope so, Reflect’s not supposed to explode.

**Terra:** *falls onto the higher cliff in front of Xehanort* Oh, I fell on my keys…

**Master Xehanort:** I understood that reference. *is about to use his own Keyblade on Terra but Ven jumps behind him and tries to slash him in the back of the head, but it was just an afterimage*

**Ventus:** …What the fuck just happened.

**Master Xehanort:** This. *grabs his head from behind him and clutches it tightly*

**Terra:** Ven! You kind of look ridiculous struggling like that!

**Ventus:** Yeah that’s great, mind getting me out of this situation so I won’t have to look ridiculous?!

**Terra:** On it — AUGH! *gets hit by a shitton of Keyblades from below* I’m starting to not like our odds here.

**Vanitas:** I’m still up here too, you know!

**Terra:** *gets slashed at by Keyblades all the way down to the ground* Good thing there’s no fall damage, or I’d be in some real trouble here.

**Aqua:** I can just barely make out what’s happening to Ven from all the way down here.

**Master Xehanort:** This boy I’m holding in my hand is integral to my entire plan of universal destruction. He is the one I must ensure is kept alive at all costs so I can convince him to fight Vanitas and create the weapon I so seek. TIME TO SHOOT A BOLT OF DARKNESS THROUGH HIM, USE GLACIER ON HIM, AND TOSS HIM CASUALLY OFF THIS GIANT CLIFF!

**Vanitas:** …Master, stop being a crazy psycho. Now’s not a good time for you to be a psycho.

**Master Xehanort:** MY PWAN IS GWEAT!

**Vanitas:** No.

**Ventus:** Despite hitting my leg on the way down, my helmet somehow also came off.

**Aqua:** *catches Ven with her body before he shatters* Dayum I must be strong to just so casually flip you around like this so I can hold you in a better position. Also ARE YOU OKAY?!

**Ventus:** I’d answer if I wasn’t basically under the Full Body Bind with a dash of hypothermia.

**Aqua:** So you are. At least your eyeballs are still moving so I know you’re not dead.

**Master Xehanort:** *summons a ball of…mostly light energy, frankly, and shoots it into the sky, causing the clouds to part in order to reveal the heart-shaped moon that is Kingdom Hearts*

**Aqua:** …How the fuck is that there, there are no Heartless with which to collect hearts, is that just meant to be cinematic, what the flying fucking shit fuckers.

**Master Xehanort:** Dude, I have so much time travel bullshit going on, don’t read too much into it.

**Mickey:** *steps into frame thousands of miles away* Must’ve woken up and come back here at some point. Because I’m going to be _such_ a huge help.

**Braig:** Well that was tone-annihilating. So I’m here now, and I’d like to take that popsicle off your hands. Heh, it’s funny ‘cause his clone’s gonna eat popsicles in ten years. And that way you can go murder Terra or whatever.

**Aqua:** …And why the balls would I want to do that?

**Braig:** Heh, Organization XIII music playing, nice touch. But he killed your Master, didn’t he? Aren’t you pissed? *is now wearing an eye patch and has a scar on his cheek*

**Aqua:** …Well you look fucking badass.

**Braig:** Don’t I, though?

**Aqua:** Who are you, though, and why are your eyes yellow and your ears pointy?

**Braig:** Side effect of the darkness. And it’s so adorable that you think you’re actually a main character in this franchise. As if. As soon as the real final chapter’s over with, no one will even know you exist until this game is released.

**Ventus:** They’ll get…hints…during Final Mix.

**Braig:** What, KHII Final Mix Plus? Sure, _now_ they’ll get that since it’s finally released outside of Japan, but with this game already bundled alongside it? Who even cares? Anyway, I need to kill both of you now. Who wants to go first?

**Ventus:** …Dude, your boss actually needs me for a thing.

**Braig:** Oh, so this kiddo actually thinks he’s a main character too, does he? Man, I will _never_ forget that angry face, that’s such a great angry face!

**Aqua:** Yeah, you can try to kill us. I’m level seventy-five, mothafuckah! *puts Ventus down*

**Ventus:** …Hey Aqua…can you cast…Mega Flare…in my general vicinity real quick?

**Aqua:** Nah, I think I’ll just let you thaw out naturally.

**Ventus:** You really…suck today…

**Aqua:** Shut up, I need to kick this guy’s ass for implying that Terra’s a huge murderer, considering he said that Xehanort dealt the final blow and I’m still more inclined to believe Terra over this guy.

**Ventus:** Aqua! Don’t fuck it up!

**Aqua:** Apparently I didn’t, I just had a boss fight with him offscreen.

**Ventus:** Oh. Good for you, then.

**Braig:** *pants heavily* I hate everything. Why do I even bother fighting Keyblade wielders in the first place, it never goes well. Still, at least you didn’t burn my fucking face off, I don’t care how cool I look, that shit hurts, man!

**Aqua:** Whatever, I’m gonna strike the killing blow now.

**Braig:** What if I told you that everything that just happened was a huge distraction and then ran the fuck away? *runs the fuck away*

**Aqua:** …I’d stop dead in my tracks, not chase after you, and completely let my guard down, that’s what! Oh yeah, Ven, how ya holding up?

**Ventus:** Would still appreciate a Mega Flare shot my way any time now…SHIT, AQUA, LOOK OUT!

**Aqua:** Why, what—

**Vanitas:** *jumps down from the cliff and strikes her down*

**Aqua:** …I’m shocked…that this doesn’t…leave a mark… *collapses*

**Ventus:** …Well you fucking suck.

**Vanitas:** Whatever, I’m going to stab her in the heart now. *positions Void Gear over Aqua’s heart*

**Ventus:** *struggles harder to get out of the ice* Why can’t I cast Mega Flare my own damn self, I have it fucking equipped!

**Vanitas:** I’m just going to take my sweet-ass time in striking downward. Wouldn’t want to rush things, after all!

**Ventus:** DAMN IT, MELT FASTER!

**Vanitas:** Man, I just have all the time in the world, don’t I? *raises Keyblade ever so slightly ever so slowly*

**Ventus:** OKAY STOP I’M STANDING LET’S FIGHT.

**Vanitas:** Hmph. All according to keikaku.

**Aqua:** Boy it sure is a good thing my body’s mysteriously gone from this next fight.

**Ventus:** Ain’t it, though?

**Vanitas:** Hey cool, I can summon my serpentine cloud of Keyblades and ride around on it during this boss fight!

**Ventus:** Well balls, it’s hard to hit you from on there.

**Vanitas:** I know, which is why I’m going to make it easy for you by getting rid of the extra Keyblades and jumping down so you can hit me better.

**Ventus:** …Why.

**Vanitas:** MY PWAN IS GWEAT.

**Ventus:** No. Also stop teleporting so I can hit you.

**Vanitas:** No.

**Ventus:** Well too bad because you’re dead now.

**Vanitas:** No I’m not, my health bar’s just been depleted. When will you people learn that that won’t kill me. Well, not completely, anyway. *helmet slowly melts, revealing…fifteen-year-old Sora with black hair and yellow eyes*

**Ventus:** …How why what.

**Vanitas:** You joined with Sora’s heart when he helped repair yours, so now I look like he will in the future.

**Ventus:** But his heart joined with mine _after_ we were separated, so what gives?

**Vanitas:** Iunno, I think I was born with the helmet and didn’t actually take form till later. Or something. Look, it’s a badass reveal so just go with it. *starts spewing dark sexual energy and making a circle around him and Ventus* Let’s just make this χ-blade already, come on, it’s my one goal in life, let me have this!

**Floods:** *emerge from the darkness and glomp Ventus*

**Ventus:** I’m just now getting the message that you control the Unversed, and that apparently they also spawn from you.

**Vanitas:** Yep, I’ve had this ability ever since we were split, which is why I didn’t actually send out the monsters until possibly years later. *summons a wide variety of Unversed* Guess I had to control the power first or some bullshit. Oh hey look, the Trinity Armor’s in the background. But yeah, each one is apparently based on an emotion of mine. The Tank Topplers are from the days where I’m feeling a little flabby and gassy. I like them 'cause they're corpulent. And obviously the Shoegazers are from when my feet hurt.

**Ventus:** What about the Prize Pods?

**Vanitas:** Hey, I like ice cream as much as the next guy! And I was able to release them into every single world.

**Ventus:** Why are some versions of Unversed in some worlds when others aren’t?

**Vanitas:** Well I had to put certain ones onto planets with certain motifs, didn’t I? It’s just more interesting that way!

**Ventus:** Okay. What about the Mirage Arena?

**Vanitas:** Oh, hey, I learned this a while back: apparently Laguna from FFVIII was supposed to be in charge of that shit!

**Ventus:** Wait, seriously?

**Vanitas:** According to an interview with Nomura, but then they had other plans for another FF crossover game so they left him out so they could use him elsewhere.

**Ventus:** Pity, his segments were actually some of the most enjoyable things about FFVIII.

**Vanitas:** I know, right? And having someone in control of it, someone from the past no less, would’ve made that whole planet being in this time period make sense as well!

**Ventus:** As it is?

**Vanitas:** Yeah not so much. But yeah, I made the Unversed so you’d be forced to leave home and get out from under your Master’s thumb.

**Aqua:** I’m still unconscious!

**Ventus:** That’s nice, I’m still being choked to death by Floods.

**Vanitas:** We needed to train you up so you’d be able to match me. And Terra as well, frankly, Aqua just got lucky. And even though I was in the Destiny Islands at one point I didn’t release any monsters there for some reason. And they’re constantly respawning every time you reenter a room because they never truly disappear; their negative energy just flows right back into me, and I send it right back out to where it was. Except bosses, I guess I just divert those to the Mirage Arena or something — _That’s_ why it exists, okay, let’s run with this theory. Oh and also apparently every time one of them dies, I feel it, which considering how overleveled you are can _not_ be fun for me. *sucks up all the Unversed except the Floods back into him* Yeah, you and all the planets here will always end up kind of boned. *summons a ball of light that surrounds them and expands, creating a shockwave that sends Aqua’s body flying into a ditch and forming a crater*

**Ventus:** …Did…did we just combine into the same person? *unwillingly unleashes a pillar of light and awakens floating over a stain glass heart that he lands on and realizes shows both himself and Vanitas sleeping in a sort of yin-yang motif*

**Vanitas:** *floats down beside him* Okay I know you’re kind of against making the χ-blade but you gotta admit this stain glass design’s fucking awesome. Otherwise enjoy walking across that abyss of nothing. Also check out the χ-blade itself. *holds up two Kingdom Keyblades crisscrossed with a normal blade sticking out of the junction* It’s not quite done yet, though, look, there’s a chip in it and it looks like it’s covered with mold or something, gross. So, yeah, let’s finish this fight so we can finish this weapon.

**Ventus:** No, don't bleach it, I like it gross. *summons Lost Memory* Also I’m killing you and destroying that thing.

**Vanitas:** *does a really good psychotic laugh* We’re the same person, idiot! You destroy me and this thing, you destroy yourself as well!

**Ventus:** Guess what? The future games never mentioned the χ-blade until 3D, and it takes ten years for the worlds to start imploding and that’s because of a completely different reason. This is a prequel and I’m not in any of the future games. And I accept this fact.

**Vanitas:** Wow, nothing on the power of friendship?

**Ventus:** Hey, thanks for reminding me!

**Vanitas:** No wait I didn’t mean—

**Ventus:** THEY ARE IN MY HEART AND I KNOW THAT I AM IN THEIRS! LOOK, THEIR GIANT FACES ARE APPEARING ON EITHER SIDE OF ME AS PROOF!

**Vanitas:** …Yeah, that was a little weird.

**Ventus:** …So we doing this or what?

**Vanitas:** Yeah, um, I don’t get it, if you fight me we form the χ-blade, but also if you fight me you’ll be able to destroy me.

**Ventus:** You know what? This fight’s actually way easier because you’re not riding around on that cloud of Keyblades, that was the hardest part about last time.

**Vanitas:** …Shit, you’re right. *gets whittled down to one HP* And now we get to the hard part. *jumps up and straight-up destroys their heart with the χ-blade* Don’t ask me why that didn’t just finish the battle right then and there, ‘cause I have no idea, that probably should’ve killed us both.

**Ventus:** *is now floating with Vanitas amongst thousands of shards of broken glass* …There aren’t any Curagas in my command deck anymore, I had like four of them equipped.

**Vanitas:** That’s because you’ve D-Linked with me now. You’ve got no choice but to use the commands that are given to you. Heh, if you can even reach me with them—

**Ventus:** *Shotlocks the shit out of him*

**Vanitas:** …I keep forgetting that’s a thing.

**Ventus:** As do I. Now would you quit hanging on to your last shred of light and just die already? You’re kind of frustrating the players who just want it to end by this point, they no longer care how good it looks, they want to move on and get more information and crap.

**Vanitas:** Well here’s hope you don’t miss with this last attack now that you’ve filled the command gauge!

**Ventus:** *…ends up failing several times because he didn’t actually lock on when he unleashed his finisher and ended up dying and soft resetting to the point where he went out and got up to level forty-nine before trying again and finally succeeding after about six tries total*

**Vanitas:** … _Ow?!_ *lets go of the χ-blade and it starts floating away from him, no matter how many times he tries to reach out and grab it, until he seems to fall asleep and floats down into the darkness while the χ-blade explodes into light and shatters*

**Lost Memory:** *also explodes into light and shatters*

**Vanitas:** *dies the same way Ecivresnaf did despite being a being of pure darkness, sinking into a blank circular space within the abyss and making it shine with sudden light*

**Ventus:** *sinks down onto it and sees that he’s alone on the stain glass again, Vanitas’s design having vanished, and he smiles before he, too, dissolves into light*

**Ventus’s heart:** *floats upward and somehow gets a copy of Xehanort’s report on the way to add to the collection he hasn’t really been paying attention to this entire time*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Ventus and Aqua:** *are floating out in space hand in hand in their armor while unconscious*

**Mickey:** *finds them with the Star Shard* Do I have to do everything around here? *grabs Aqua’s hand and teleports them to the Mysterious Tower*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Ventus:** *falls into some kind of ocean like he did at the beginning of the game, and indeed like Sora did at the beginning of Kingdom Hearts I, slowly opening his eyes as he falls deeper and deeper into the depths* …Am I back…at the beginning of the game? *stares as the darkness around him grows brighter and brighter* Oh, it’s you, I remember you…

**Credits:** *begin, with the orchestrated version of Hikari as usual, which no one should ever have a problem with because it’s fucking amazing*

**Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather:** And you didn’t think there’d be cameos.

**Jaq:** Boy, sure hope Lucifer-senpai _doesn’t_ notice me today.

**Lucifer:** *notices him today*

**Seven Dwarfs:** _High-ho, high-ho, it’s off to work we go…_

**Dilan and Aeolus:** …’Sup.

**Even:** You coming?

**Ienzo:** Only if I can have lines the next time I show up.

**Merlin:** No I can’t magic you up more money, what do you think I have the Philosopher’s Stone or something?

**Scrooge McDuck:** …Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I thought.

**Lea:** Come on, one more shot of us for the fangirls?

**Isa:** I’ve no interest in any of that.

**Lea:** Aw come on, we’re adorable!

**Isa:** Yeah but our hair sucks until later.

**Lea:** …Well mine’s okay-ish…

**Pete:** Why are you guys applauding over in _that_ direction, I’m over here! *stomps foot*

**Minnie, Huey, Dewey, and Louie:** …What are we even applauding, this is kind of weird.

**Phil:** *bursts into song*  
 _I'd given up hope that someone would come along_  
 _A fellow who'd ring the bell for once, not the gong_  
 _The kind who wins trophies, won't settle for low fees_  
 _At least semi-pro fees but no, I get the greenhorn_  
 _I've been out to pasture pal, my ambition gone_  
 _Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn_  
 _But you need an adviser, a satyr but wiser_  
 _A good merchandiser and ooh, there goes my ulcer_

**Hercules:** …Can you stop singing and actually train me?

**Phil:** Maybe later.

**Experiment 626:** Meega, nala KWEESTA! *laughs maniacally*

**Peter Pan:** *bursts into song*  
 _If I were a very ordinary_  
 _Ev'ry day thing_  
 _I'd never be heard cock-a-doodling_  
 _'Round like a bird, so…_  
 _Naturally_ *crows*  
 _When I discover the cleverness of a remarkable me,_ *crows*  
 _How can I hide it_  
 _When deep down inside it just tickles me so_  
 _That I've gotta let go and crow!_

**Tinker Bell:** *rolls her eyes at the fact that she has to put up with this bullshit*

**Donald and Goofy:** We’re still in the game, stop pretending we aren’t!

**iheartmwpp:** No.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I am actually fucking dead. Unless they find some way to bring me back in KHIII which I would not put it past them.

**Terra:** Help me, I’m exploding.

**Aqua:** Oh, I’m fucked. Proper fucked, in fact.

**Ventus:** I’m tired. I’m a sleepy baby today. Give me a break.

**Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep Title Card:** Now wasn’t that special.

~Awright, that means I’m done! Except now I have to do the exact same thing two more times oh fuck this is gonna be annoying...~


	12. This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **YO BEST WAIFU LET'S GO:** Spoony, Super Best Friends Play, _Pokémon,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Avatar: The Legend of Korra, Naruto, Star Trek,_ Rifftrax, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now for Aqua because first playable badass female character equals best waifu. Also SAVE ME, COPY-PASTE!~

**Stain glass window:** IT IS MORNING.

**Ventus:** I’m standing off to the side, bored out of my mind.

**Master Xehanort:** Hi, I’m blatantly the villain.

**Ventus:** Lyke no wai.

**Footsteps:** Hey.

**Ventus:** HOLY SHIT. *stands at attention*

**Master Eraqus:** I have feet. I also look like a badass samurai or something. Also I’m voiced by Mark Hamill and am therefore made entirely of awesome aside from the fact that I’m a brainless idiot. Anyway, today you two will be examined for the Mark of Mastery. It’s not a competition, I just want you to kick each other’s asses. It isn’t a test of wills, but a test of heart, because willpower has nothing to do with achieving your goals. Both of you may pass, or you could both fail, I don’t really care either way. You are, after all, the youngest to try for the Mark in years, and I’m sure you don’t want to disappoint poor old Master Xehanort who has traveled such a long way to watch you. No pressure!

**Master Xehanort:** Still noticeably evil!

**Spoony:** Seriously, I mean look at him! He’s like the most obvious villain I’ve ever seen since Ben Kingsley in _Prince of Persia!_ Who would be stupid enough to trust that asshole? *takes drink*

**Master Eraqus:** He is our honored guest and you shall treat him with the greatest amount of respect possible.

**Spoony:** *spits out water*

**Master Eraqus:** *is basically Square backwards with a slight change to make it pronounceable in English, like how Yen Sid is Disney backwards. Eraqus is modeled after Hironobu Sakaguchi, creator of the pretty, pretty franchise that is Final Fantasy. Because of this, I have renamed this character Master Ecivresnaf* Y’all ready for this?

**Aqua:** …You ever get the weird experience of déjà vu?

**Terra:** What’re you talking about?

**Aqua:** I don’t know, it’s just a feeling I’m having right now, it’s strange…

**Terra:** Meh. Let’s just fail and get it over with.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** That’s the spirit! *powers up his own Keyblade and summons five balls of light*

**Terra:** *prepares Earthshaker* So, what, because there’s an odd number, whoever takes out the most wins or something?

**Aqua:** *prepares Rainfell* Nah, I somehow know they’ll just keep respawning.

**Terra:** Ah, that makes more sense.

**Master Xehanort:** How does no one notice me transparently fucking with everything.

**Balls of light:** Terra and Aqua: …The fuck what.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** …Okay, something is clearly very very wrong. I will do nothing to stop it and conduct an investigation; instead, I’ll just let my students fail even harder. Should be fun.

**Master Xehanort:** All according to keikaku.

**Terra and Aqua:** Meh, we still got this I guess.

**One of the balls of not-light:** *heads in Ven’s direction*

**Terra and Aqua:** Ah, shit!

**Ventus:** Meh. *summons Wayward Wind and destroys it instantly* Guys, what happened to your focus? Fucking concentrate already!

**Aqua:** But Ven, despite you taking out one of those things instantaneously in one hit when it takes us several seconds of chasing it around and hitting it multiple times to destroy one, I’m still convinced you’re an incompetent baby kid! Go to your room, tiny child person!

**Ventus:** Uh-uh, I’m watching you two become masters and that’s final! And also maybe Master Ecivresnaf will consider me for mastery if I do well here…

**Master Ecivresnaf:** What was that impossible scenario that’ll never happen that I couldn’t have just heard because no?

**Ventus:** Nothing, sir!

**Terra:** Eh, let him. He’s gonna have to go through his own playthrough of the game anyway, and these things don’t hold back like we always do so it’s way better training for him.

**Ventus:** What he said!

**Aqua:** Okay, fine, but only because neither of the masters are calling it off in any case.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** SPILL BLOOD ALREADY!

**Aqua:** Huh, I seem to be a touch slower than Ven was. Maybe they actually _want_ me to rely on magic or something, that would seem to make sense. *uses THUNDER! It’s super effective!*

**Terra and Ventus:** *pass out at least once*

**Aqua:** Fuck, I _told_ Ven he wasn’t ready for this…Damn it, too bad phoenix downs don’t exist…Yo, Master, shouldn’t Terra at least be disqualified for dying or whatever?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Probably. And frankly both of you should also be disqualified since someone else transparently interrupted their session. At the very least I should be helping the person who is not yet skilled enough to take this exam…Eh, I don’t really care all that much. *goes back to playing UX* This is getting increasingly pay-to-win and I am annoyed.

**Aqua:** I KILLED THE LAST ONE WITHOUT EVER DYING I’M THE BEST AND TOTALLY DESERVE THIS PROMOTION.

**Terra and Ventus:** WE’RE MAGICALLY ALIVE NOW!

**Aqua:** *through gritted teeth* Ven…

**Ventus:** Hey, I remember living and _you_ dying!

**Aqua:** Riiiiiight. I don’t believe you.

**Ventus:** See what I’m doing is not telling the truth but if I say it in a convincing manner, then we’re all good.

**Aqua:** Why do I bother with you.

**Ventus:** Because you love me.

**Aqua:** Ah, ‘s true.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** That happened. And I decided to let that happen to test how you’d react to the thing happening because I’m a huge dick. Now, time for the next round. I sure hope you guys’ve truly become close friends over the years!

**Terra and Aqua:** We sure have!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Excellent! ‘Cause now you gotta try and kill each other.

**Ventus:** Ah shit, they’re not gonna be happy about tha—

**Terra and Aqua:** AW YEAH, LET’S DO THIS SHIT!

**Ventus:** …I’ve been wrong before.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Okay, as you’re about to murder your best friend/possible love interest even though I personally don’t buy it, remember that no matter what happens, you’re both losers and will always be losers and it’s just a matter of which of you loses more. Now DO THE THING!

**Aqua:** Yeah, now I actually get to fight this shitlord, this is the best day of my life!

**Terra and Aqua:** *begin a sick fighting cutscene*

**Aqua:** …Well at least I’m easily dominating the fight. *is easily dominating the fight*

**Terra:** Shit, she’s easily dominating the fight. *summons some dark energy in his hand* …Nah, I wanna win this fairly. *cancels the attack*

**Master Xehanort:** _Dayum_ I want that body.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** When did Orochimaru get here.

**Ventus:** No, don’t fade to black, I wanna see the rest of this!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Tough, we’re done now. And we’re gonna let Aqua continue to be a glass ceiling-breaking badass while Terra has to go back to basics.

**Aqua:** YEAH SON — I mean that’s such a shame.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Terra, you were about to use the darkness within you, but you realized that this would be a very bad idea and swiftly quenched the notion. THIS MEANS YOU FAILED TO KEEP IT IN CHECK. So…try again next year, I guess, whatever.

**Terra:** Didja ever consider that by not promoting me you are in fact further nurturing the darkness within me, specifically the kind born from envy?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I — Hmm…

**Master Xehanort:** *starts to leave*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Aqua, since you’ve gotten a promotion, you gotta learn new shit, mostly boring bureaucratic garbage that we all have to know and rarely apply. Stick around, I’ll be right back. *fucks off*

**Aqua:** Hey, thanks for making me feel shitty about my hard-earned promotion, asshat.

**Ventus:** She _is_ a better character than you and you know it.

**Terra:** Apparently this was the first time the darkness even made an appearance, which was not cool at all.

**Camera:** *moves to follow Master Xehanort instead*

**Master Xehanort:** So what did you think of Ventus?

**Vanitas:** *holding his helmet on his hip* Who gives a fuck? Unless he gets some real experience, he’ll never amount to shit. And since we know he’s never gonna be allowed off-planet, I _could_ beat the shit out of him right here and now—

**Master Xehanort:** No you won’t. I have to keep up the appearance of being _entirely fucking evil_ and miraculously no one notices.

**Spoony:** What the fuck is wrong with all of you?! What do you _need?!_ Some gigantic thunderclap whenever he enters the room?! See, _this_ is what I’m talking about! These characters are either insane or so hopelessly stupid that they _deserve_ to lose to a villain this transparently evil!

**Vanitas:** Whatever. *puts his helmet back on* So I’ll just make him leave the planet on his own, then. Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ve got a cunning plan…

**Aqua:** Seriously, are you gonna conglaturate me on my hard-earned promotion or what? We’re not gonna have another badass female character for another ten years, and no one will even remember her so really it’ll be _eleven_ years until Mulan is ruined!

**Terra:** Neither of you are helping and I am leaving now. *leaves now*

**Ventus:** …Well _I_ wanna conglaturate you but he just made me feel like shit.

**Aqua:** Me too.

**Ventus:** …I’m gonna go mope in my room.

**Aqua:** I’m gonna wait for Master Ecivresnaf.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I AM MAGICALLY HERE NOW!

**Aqua:** Oh joy.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** So now to go over the sexual harassment policies…

**Aqua:** Oh _great._

**Bells:** *start ringing*

**Aqua:** …So that definitely means something bad, then?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Actually, that’s just my ringtone that I made audible everywhere in the castle in case I was in a different room, excuse me. *goes behind the chairs to the pink flashing light*

**Terra:** *runs up to Aqua* What the fuck just happened?

**Aqua:** Iunno. And why isn’t Ven here?

**Terra:** ‘Cause he’s in his room? It takes a while to come down from there; anything could happen in that time.

**Aqua:** Good point.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Righty-ho, I’ll get my kids to do it, I don’t really feel like it.

**Pink crystal:** *is completely silent*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** No, I don’t know how I’m the only one who can hear what you’re saying either. Laterz.

**Pink crystal:** *stops glowing*

**Terra and Aqua:** *immediately stand at attention*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** So that was Noiti Sopxe. He’s retired, but sometimes he gets bored and checks shit out for me, and hasn’t been wrong yet so we kind of have to listen to him. So he psychically knows that the Princesses of Heart are all in danger now, since their movie plots have all begun roughly simultaneously. Well, like four of them anyway, another one will still be kidnapped offscreen within the next ten years, and then there’s the other two, but why bother going to their planets at this point. Especially since they’re all like five and eight and not even conceived yet, holy shit, I just realized. Then again, another of them’s four so I don’t even know. Anyway, they’re all being attacked by a new type of enemy that’s really the oldest type of enemy considering this is a fucking _prequel_ but shut up we’re calling them Unversed and you gotta deal with it. So…go out and murder them, I guess? Since that’s kind of your jobs or whatever?

**Terra:** Are you gonna be helping us?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Pfft, no! Although I did try to get Master Xehanort to take on some of your grunt work as well, since who better than a man who looks like his back is fucking broken, but he hasn’t been answering any of my calls that I haven’t fucking made yet since I just got this news right now, right in front of you, why am I even claiming that I talked to the guy about this. Anyway, I may or may not be blaming him for this shit for reasons I refuse to tell you about.

**Terra:** Don’t worry about Master Xenahort, I literally just saw him like thirty seconds ago—

**Master Ecivresnaf:** No, he’s actually off-planet, though, and I don’t know where he went.

**Terra:** Oh.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** So yeah, go forth and do the thing I guess. Outer space is now referred to as the Lanes Between but we’re just gonna keep calling it fucking space so you’ll forget this term the instant you leave this room. If you go to space, you’ll be able to go to other planets. A revolutionary idea, I know. And you’ll be able to use your badass armor to not only breathe in space but protect you from darkness and other shit…Wow, I wonder if the Organization XIII cloaks are made from a similar material. Huh, that’s something to ponder…Oh, and the Prime Directive currently dictates that you cannot tell anyone that you are from other planets, but you’re evidently allowed to interfere in the affairs of said planets as much as you want. That’ll probably change within the next ten years, but for now you can basically do whatever you want.

**Terra and Aqua:** Aye, aye, sir!

**Terra:** *starts to leave*

**Aqua:** …Why aren’t I starting to leave, I wonder.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Terra, hold up. If you don’t fuck this up, you might be eligible for a field promotion.

**Terra:** Really?!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Hell yeah! You are all my childrens! If I could, I’d make every single one of you, Ventus included, masters right the fuck now, I don’t care that you’re all only level one! But Ventus is never gonna be made a master no matter what because of reasons, and all you care about is winning all the time. Not everything is a fucking competition, you know. Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.

**Aqua:** *clears throat* Um, Master? Load of crap biggest ever heard I is that?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Shut up.

**Terra:** I’ll work on that, yeah? While I’ll soon become obsessed with winning all the shit in the Mirage Arena and most other mini-games and, indeed, the entire fucking game?

**Aqua:** I think he means that you can also realize that while you’re not yet strong enough to defeat the harder bosses in the Mirage Arena, you can still use it to level up while you work on a strategy to defeat them.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Sure, go with that.

**Terra:** Sweet, I won’t let you down again. *leaves*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Yes you will.

**Aqua:** I guess I should go too. *starts to leave*

**Ventus:** AH SHIT I NEED TO GO AFTER TERRA! *runs past Aqua* HI AQUA!

**Aqua:** Hi, Ven.

**Ventus:** BYE AQUA!

**Aqua:** Bye Ven.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Aqua, hold up.

**Aqua:** Aren’t I your equal now? Shouldn’t you be addressing me as _Master_ Aqua, as your equal?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Shut up, I have another secret mission for you, off the books.

**Aqua:** Ooooooh, what is it, what is it? *bounces on the balls of her feet*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** So I _wanted_ to tell Terra the truth just now about that field promotion, but his evil tendencies have made me pretty much certain that that will never happen unless he makes some serious changes. Mind spying on him for me and see whether or not he’s gonna implode from darkness? ‘Cause if he is you’ll have to bring him back to me pretty quickly so we can sort it out. It is seriously for his own good, I’m not just saying that, I don’t want any of you to implode. Or become possessed by an evil maniacal maniac bent on universal domination, though what are the odds of that happening.

**Aqua:** Well when you put it like that I apparently have no choice. I’ll bring him back here…and when I do, you’ll see that he’s worthy for a field promotion. Or I’ll just let him slip away once he makes me feel bad for spying on him, whichever. *stares at stain glass window* _Dayum_ that’s gorgeous, I wish we could go the fuck _inside_ this place more often so we can look at pretty shit like this. Still, I wish the master would stop treating _all_ of us like weak little poo-babbies, especially now that _I’m literally his fucking colleague._ *walks outside*

**Ventus:** How were you right behind me this whole time.

**Aqua:** Time passes strangely in this game, I guess. *watches Terra walking away from Ven*

**Terra:** *activates his armor by punching his shoulder armor thing with his fist* Oh yeah, who looks sick awesome? I look sick awesome.

**Ventus:** Are you just gonna do that thing where you act like a cool guy and everyone’s like, “You are _not_ cool. Why are you _being_ cool.”

**Terra:** Probably. *raises Earthshaker which shoots out a beam of light into the sky, creating a portal, jumps onto a space motorcycle, and blasts into space*

**Ventus:** …I JUST REALIZED THAT I HAD SO MUCH TIME TO JUST SHOUT WHAT I WANTED TO SAY AT HIM WHILE HE WAS LEAVING SO MAYBE HE WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT. FUCK. *smacks his own shoulder pad thing and activates his own awesome-tastic armor for evidently the first time*

**Aqua:** Oh this is probably a very bad thing. *runs down the stairs* DON’T DO IT, SHITLORD!

**Ventus:** TOO LATE, BITCH! *flies out on his space hoverboard*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** *suddenly runs up next to Aqua* Aw, fuck nuggets.

**Ventus:** YEAH SPACE PORTAL! *takes Terra’s space portal into space*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Aqua, you have _no idea_ how important it is that Ven be returned to this planet.

**Aqua:** Because he’s too young, right?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Sure, fine, whatever.

**Aqua:** Done and done. *taps her own elbow pad armor to create _armor that’s actually semi-practical for a female character to have in a video game,_ throws Rainfell into the air to create some kind of controllable space platform that can fly in space, and flies into the space portal that Terra created*

**Ventus:** We just D-linked somehow!

**Terra:** Likewise!

**Aqua:** Aww, we’re all still connected!

~If I have to watch the same thing over and over, you guys have to read the same thing over and over.~


	13. Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm from Connecticut. I know people who knew some of the children from Sandy Hook. We didn't do anything then and we're not going to do anything now. Whoever still says we live in the greatest country in the world is delusional; things will only get worse.
> 
> **And now to desperately try to distract people for ten minutes with a supposedly funny thing:** Super Best Friends Play, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _The Princess Bride, Berserk, Harry Potter, Dragon Ball Z, Game of Thrones,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~WE ARE NOW IN SPACE SHIT CAN ACTUALLY START TO HAPPEN NOW!~

**Aqua:** Ooooh, what’s this Command Board option thing do?

~…Or not…~

**Aqua:** *breezes through the tutorial section* Fuck you, I know this shit.

**Terra and Ventus:** HEY AQUA!

**Aqua:** HEY GUYS! You’re here too, huh?

**Terra:** Looks like!

**Aqua:** This is nice, this’ll be like we’re actually hanging out together! I know we do in the prologue but apart from that one section and a couple of shared flashbacks our friendship is always told rather than shown. This’ll be some fun, tangible interaction with each other!

**Ventus:** Sweet. So the game’s giving you the option to go first, but I think you should switch it up so—

**Aqua:** *decides to go first so she can have the clear advantage*

**Ventus:** …Shit.

**Terra:** Why am I always fucking last?!

~Three hours later…~

**Terra:** YEAH I’M IN THE LEAD!

**Aqua:** And now I’m in the lead and am heading for the Start Panel because I have the bare minimum needed to win.

**Terra:** No, Aqua! We’re friends! We’re best friends!

**Aqua:** There’s not a single thing you’ve ever done for me.

**Terra:** …I think I got you movie tickets once!

**Aqua and Ventus:** *laugh*

**Aqua:** *chooses to land on the Start Panel* AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! I win.

**Terra:** Yeah, by being a total scumbag.

**Ventus:** Well yeah, pure scumbag tactics are the only way to win.

**Aqua:** I didn’t win; _you_ lost! I thought that I would lose, but you’re the loser.

**Terra:** I lost.

**Aqua:** *exits the command board* I am so fucking good at this game by now…OH YEAH PLOT! *heads to the Castle of Dreams*

~...So in the time it took for Aqua to get from the Land of Departure to the Castle of Dreams, Ven and Jaq managed to fix Cinderella's dress (only to have it destroyed by her step sisters), Terra met with Cinderella and fought off some Unversed, met her fairy god mother, protected Cinderella on her way to the ball, and fought off some more Unversed as well as a powerful Unversed. _And_ this was Ventus’s second planet and officially Terra’s third. Geez, Aqua's off to a slow start despite the much faster Command Board session.~

**Castle of Dreams title card:** Oh, we’re starting off directly in the Great Hall this time. I remember it being bigger and with more soldiers.

**Aqua:** This is pretty. Huh, did I get here right at midnight?

**Duke:** Madmoiselle! Señorita! Hold the fucking phone, would you?!

**Cinderella:** I don’t know what a phone is. Also no. *runs off*

**Duke:** Shit, shit, _shiiit…_

**Aqua:** That happened.

**Terra:** YO, DAWG!

**Aqua:** HAY, GURL!

**Terra:** Hang on, I’m gonna run all the way down to meet you without jumping over shit or taking any shortcuts available to me!

**Aqua:** And I’m not even gonna meet you halfway even though I have urgent news!

**Terra:** What good partners we make! Now what’s this urgent news?

**Aqua:** Ven fucked off.

**Terra:** …Well that’s not good.

**Aqua:** No it isn’t. I think he left to find you possibly maybe it’s not a hundred percent clear.

**Terra:** You mean that when he ran up to me and looked really upset about something and seemed like he wanted to talk to me about it, I should’ve stayed and listened? NOW YOU’RE JUST TALKING CRAZY TALK!

**Aqua:** YOU’RE RIGHT, WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Oh yeah, Master Xehanort, you find his ass yet or what?

**Terra:** A magic mirror told me exactly where to look for him, so I came to this planet instead of going where it told me to.

**Aqua:** Makes sense.

**Terra:** Figured out his motive, though! He’s looking for pure hearts filled with light. Which I totally found on this very planet but that’s not important right now.

**Aqua:** But Ven was already at the Land of Departure!

**Terra:** _Female_ hearts.

**Aqua:** …A creepy old man seemingly after barely adult/adolescent women…Nope, nothing suspicious about that!

**Terra:** I agree. And he’s not here at any rate; in fact, I’m just about done with this planet except for leveling and coming back to find items and shit.

**Aqua:** Okay, but I’m gonna stay here and see if I find anything you missed.

**Terra:** What, you don’t trust me?

**Aqua:** …There might have been something you missed, like I said, and four eyes are better than two.

**Terra:** How can four eyes be better than two, there are a couple of sections of the castle you won’t even be able to go into because you don’t feel like it! How can you do a decent sweep of this planet if the game doesn’t even allow you to go everywhere?!

**Aqua:** There’s still one house you won’t be able to go into, even if I’m not there for very long!

**Terra:** …Okay, fair enough. Hey, how ‘bout you talk to the prince of this planet up in the ballroom at the top of the stairs? He might be able to tell you _something,_ considering he’s royalty and I don’t think the actual king appears in-game.

**Aqua:** Sweet.

**Terra:** Wait, before I go…Do you still have the same dream?

**Aqua:** …Not really, I mean I’ve already become a Keyblade Master. Now I guess I just want to be the best Master I can be. And of course I hope one day you and Ven will be standing beside me, but that’s up to you two to achieve it; I can only help so much from the sidelines.

**Terra:** Well, there’s this girl—

**Aqua:** I immediately ship it.

**Terra:** No, I think she’s with someone else and anyway that’s not what I was talking about.

**Aqua:** Riiiiiiiiiight. I don’t believe you.

**Terra:** Aqua, I’m serious. This girl — young woman, really — made me realize that if you wait around long enough and start crying on a bench somewhere, a magical fairy will appear and make all your problems go away!

**Aqua:** …Wut.

**Terra:** A powerful enough dream will always keep the darkness at bay, no matter how many bodies you have to step over to get there!

**Aqua:** Yes, if you’re in a horrible situation, just _wishing_ for things to get better will totally make it happen.

**Terra:** Exactly!

**Aqua:** You’re like a stupid cat. Except you smell worse.

**Terra:** Anyway, if you see her, tell her I said hi.

**Aqua:** Sure, whatever. *watches Terra leave* I guess he’s just too much of an idiot to let the darkness truly affect him. That’s nice. *doesn’t bother to go where the plot told her to go and goes outside where there’s a save point before she is immediately set upon by Unversed and the save point disappears* Well shit, at least this is the easiest level so they won’t be too difficul— *is instantly killed and has to soft reset* …Well I’m not doing that Command Board shit again. *goes instantly to the planet, skips over her conversation with Terra, and tries again* Okay, I’ve managed to make the save point reappear and have saved here now, this should be much easie— *dies again and soft resets again* …Do I have to keep saving every time I kill five of these fuckers or— *yes, yes you do* Why’d I have to play on Critical like an idio— *this was not smart* Well at least Spellweaver’s coming in handy like whoa. OKAY LEVEL FIFTEEN THAT’S FINE LET’S MOVE ON HERE. *goes back up to palace*

**Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella:** WE ARE WALKING.

**Aqua:** *coming from the opposite direction…WOW the women of this world have huge asses…

**Unversed symbol:** *flashes in Aqua’s brain as she passes*

**Duke:** *runs by Aqua*

**Aqua:** YO, WHO WERE THOSE BITCHES.

**Duke:** Well I suppose I can take time away from my royal emergency to answer some random civilian’s questions! The old bitch is Lady Tremaine — no one likes her — and her daughters, Anastasia and Drizella — no one likes them either.

**Aqua:** HOLY SHIT I CAN ACTUALLY THINK TO MYSELF IN MY OWN MIND PALACE WITHOUT ACTUALLY TALKING OUT LOUD. And I’m pretty sure at least one of them was a huge villain.

**Prince…dude…guy…He was never fucking named, I don’t know:** MY BELOVED HAS RETURNED!

**Aqua:** …Wha?

**Prince…His name was Thomas in Once Upon A Time, let’s go with that:** Oh, sorry, you had blue hair and are wearing a gray backless tank top with a pink criss-cross thing over your chest that's possibly plot-relevant in some obscure fashion and would probably cover your nipples adequately if you weren’t wearing the gray backless tank top, white sleeve things with armor on them, a black corset with white strings, black tight athletic shorts, really long black stockings, some weird blue skirt things that are on either side of your waist and go to about mid-shin that _have_ to constantly get in the way and get tangled up as you fight, a white belt that looks more like a silk scarf thing, and metal boots with blades on them. THAT IS TOTALLY IDENTICAL TO MY BLONDE-HAIRED GIRLFRIEND WITH THE WHITE HEADBAND THING AND THE BLACK COLLAR AND THE WHITE POOFY SPARKLY DRESS THING THAT IN GOOGLE IMAGES ALWAYS TURNS OUT TO BE BLUISH FOR SOME REASON AND THE REALLY LONG WHITE GLOVES AND THE WHITE PETTICOAT OR WHATEVER AND THE GLASS SLIPPERS. You can understand my confusion.

**Aqua:** …Riiiiight…I don’t believe you.

**Duke:** Dude, check this shit out.

**Prince Thomas:** A glass slipper? She was wearing _those?_ That’s got to be insanely impractical.

**Duke:** In this version, it’s _my_ idea to track down the woman you love via shoe-fitting!

**Aqua:** Or you could ask around for her by name.

**Prince Thomas:** Oh no, I don’t know her name. We just started dancing and didn’t even introduce ourselves or speak. Perfect people rarely need to do that. Heh, you know, she didn’t even realize I was the prince, we were so clueless about each other!

**Aqua:** …Yep, it must be twue wuv.

**Prince Thomas:** Exactly!

**Aqua:** Oy vey.

**Prince Thomas:** Actually, wouldn’t it be smarter to just take me along with you so I can identify her by sight? Do we really have to do this glass shoe business?

**Duke:** Your Highness, with all due respect, you just thought this blue-haired girl was the blonde you just fell for.

**Prince Thomas:** …Okay, fair enough.

**Duke:** Your off-screen father has been so over the moon that you’re finally going to give him grandchildren — I-I mean settle down with a nice girl that he immediately ordered me to shoe-fit everyone in the kingdom! And I will start with the closest residence that, if you actually look at the illustration at the beginning of the movie, is actually the _farthest_ residence: that of Lady Tremaine. Should take me all night of trying other feet to get there, don’t wait up.

**Prince Thomas:** Okay, I’ll just stay behind and jerk off or something.

**Aqua:** Lovely. And now I have an inner monologue going, probably because I realize it’s kind of dumb to say everything out loud all the time when there’s nobody there. I SHOULD VISIT THE PROBABLE BAD GUYS AND SEE WHAT’S UP. *runs right past the Unversed because fuck and heads through the clearing to Lady Tremaine’s manor or whatever and sees the Duke going through the front door*

**Lady Tremaine:** You honor our humble home, my lord.

**Duke:** Bitch you live in a mansion.

**Lady Tremaine:** Check out my spawn. Gorgeous, aren’t they?

**Duke:** That sure is a word. Can’t say it’s not a word.

**Aqua:** Oh yeah, evilness all up in this bitch. *summons Rainfell*

**Fairy Godmother:** Don’t even think about it!

**Aqua:** …The hell?

**Fairy Godmother:** *sparkles into existence* It’s dangerous to fight the darkness with light, my dear!

**Aqua:** But…But that’s what we’ve been doing for like five games now!

**Fairy Godmother:** I don’t care, you’re doing it wrong.

**Aqua:** Uh-huh, and are _you_ a Keyblade Master? ‘Cause I admit I’m only a young girl who knows little in the ways of war, but I have trained under others who have been ordering me all my life that that’s exactly how we fight the darkness. And unless you have a similar résumé, I’m probably not gonna listen to a single thing you have to say.

**Fairy Godmother:** And yet I always appear to those who believe that dreams come true!

**Aqua:** …Slan?

**Fairy Godmother:** FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, I AM NOT A MEMBER OF THE GOD HAND!

**Aqua:** Riiiiiiight. I don’t believe you.

**Fairy Godmother:** Shut up.

**Aqua:** No, you never answered my question. Why shouldn’t I fight the darkness with light?

**Fairy Godmother:** Because the brighter the light, the bigger the shadow.

**Aqua:** Everything kept in balance, yes, and when the darkness proves to be too much, _we drown it out with light._

**Fairy Godmother:** You’ve seen how Anastasia and Drizella are ugly as shit? And how Cinderella’s fucking gorgeous? They’re so jealous of that beauty that they’ve turned evil.

**Aqua:** …So basically you’re saying that ugliness equals darkness and therefore evilness, while beauty equals light and therefore goodness?

**Fairy Godmother:** Exactly, my dear!

**Aqua:** …Have, uh, have you ever even played a SquareEnix title before in your life? Or a SquareSoft game? Or a _Square_ game? _Nearly every single villain is nice to look at. INCLUDING IN THIS FRANCHISE._ Except for Master Xehanort, he’s kind of old. And Xaldin, I never liked him. Every other original character in this series? I’d hit every single one of them. With a truck for the most part, to be sure, but still, they fine.

**Fairy Godmother:** BEAUTY IS GOOD AND UGLINESS IS EVIL AND NOTHING YOU SAY WILL CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE!

**Aqua:** How ‘bout how you’re no prize. Like, at all. So I guess you must be evil and I should no longer listen to you.

**Fairy Godmother:** Now follow my instructions—

**Aqua:** I already told you, no!

**Fairy Godmother:** One of Cinderella’s little mouse friends is trying very hard to save Cinderella from a lifetime of continued emotional abuse and neglect. Since for some reason Ven’s not around to help out even though he keeps returning to the planet all the fucking time for leveling and item-farming purposes, I want to shrink you to the size of a mouse so you can help an actual mouse.

**Aqua:** Or _you_ could help, if you’re so invested in Cinderella’s future and are, in fact, _her_ Fairy Godmother. It’s like if Sirius were actually free but was still determined to have Harry never see him for some idiotic reason so he still leaves him with the Dursleys while occasionally sending him shiny and expensive material goods to pretend he still cares! You don’t actually give a shit about Cinderella at all, do you?!

**Fairy Godmother:** We need to do this soon in order to prevent Cinderella from losing hope and before Lady Tremaine thinks up some clever plot to have one of her own daughters marry the prince instead even though he’ll take one look at her and see that she’s not the one. The butler dude might leave at any moment and poor Cinderella will never have a chance to make her dreams come true. So you just take your time and fight as many Unversed as you want and level up a bit or look for any treasure chests you may have missed, then come back and see me when you’re ready to move the plot along.

**Aqua:** OKAY. *does those things for several hours before finally deciding to move the plot forward*

**Fairy Godmother:** Luckily time apparently stopped or some shit while you were doing that. _Reducio!_ I-I mean, _Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!_

**Aqua:** Such a weird Dragonball Z arc, that was… *shrinks and floats into the only open window in the whole house apparently*

**Jaq:** *pulling along a giant key that’s not a Keyblade* Thank Merlin Ven dealt with Lucifer. Or Bruno did. Iunno, the cat’s dead either way and that’s all I need to know.

**Aqua:** Thank Merlin for fucking _subtitles,_ Christ with this guy. Yo, need a hand?

**Jaq:** Probably. So Cinderella’s bitch of a stepmother locked her in her room, could you believe that? I need to let her out now, before it’s too late!

**Aqua:** Aren’t most rooms able to be opened from the inside, though?

**Jaq:** Mid-to-late 1800s, who knows how shit works.

**Aqua:** Oh yeah. Jaq, don’t worry about that stupid key, I have a key that can pretty much unlock any lock, we’re fine.

**Jaq:** Hey, that looks just like Ven’s, only more practical!

**Aqua:** You know Ven? Oh, I’m Aqua, by the way.

**Jaq:** We became pretty decent friends once he learned to forever rely on subtitles. He’s always in and out of here training and item farming, except for the one time I need him of course, some friend he is…Still, he helped fix Cinderella’s dress, so I guess that’s something…

**Aqua:** Did he say what he was doing?

**Jaq:** Looking for some guy named Terra?

**Aqua:** And he was too small and couldn’t leave the house…I get it. He must’ve planet-hopped again, then.

**Drizella:** THIS IS WHY I TELL YOU NEVER TO PUT IT IN THE DRYER, THIS SHIT ALWAYS SHRINKS!

**Lady Tremaine:** Quick, cut off your toes!

**Duke:** Ew, no. The next young lady, please?

**Lady Tremaine:** Quick, cut off your heel!

**Duke:** _Without_ the foot mutilation, if you please!

**Anastasia:** Aww…

**Jaq:** Okay we need to _move_ now!

**Unversed:** Or…

**Jaq:** Ah shit.

**Aqua:** Jaq, you can drop the key, I have _this_ key! *holds up Rainfell*

**Jaq:** The game won’t succumb to logic like that! You have to defend me so I can get to the mouse hole in time!

**Aqua:** I think I might hate this planet. *kills all the Unversed that try to attack Jaq*

**Jaq:** Thank _you!_ *pisses off*

**Aqua:** And now to somehow get to an area that Ven will never be able to go! *jumps onto the banister to get downstairs*

**Duke:** I could’ve sworn that the messenger I’m actually with in the movie notified me that there was a blonde woman that used to answer the door. Are you _sure_ there aren’t any other young women here?

**Lady Tremaine:** NOPE!

**Duke:** Disobeying a royal order means you get your eyes picked out by pigeons, you know.

**Lady Tremaine:** Still nope!

**Duke:** If you say so…

**Aqua:** Okay, either Jaq has to hurry or Cinderella has to scream like a banshee. Any time for either would be preferable.

**Duke:** I AM LEAVING.

**Aqua:** …Hey I wonder if I suddenly have Ant-Man powers. TIME TO PUNCH A HUMAN WITH THE FORCE OF A BULLET! *grows back to normal size* …You know what, fuck that Fairy bitch. *falls down the stairs*

**Duke:** That looked like it hurt.

**Aqua:** Nah, there’s never any fall damage in these games — U-Uh, I mean, I’m not breaking and entering or anything!

**Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella:** Yes you are.

**Duke:** It kind of looks like you are.

**Aqua:** …I WANNA TRY ON THE SHOE.

**Duke:** …No, that’s not how it works. The point is that we find the one that the prince wants to marry, and he already established that it _isn’t you._

**Aqua:** I thought you said that _every_ eligible young maiden had to try it on, and if not we get our eyes pecked out.

**Duke:** That’s a good point.

**Lady Tremaine:** Excuse me, are we just going to gloss over the fact that she’s just been caught red-handed breaking and entering into my home?!

**Anastasia:** She’s probably here to rob us!

**Aqua:** Not rob! Robbing involves threatening! If anything, I’d burgle!

**Drizella:** And thank you for admitting it in front of all these witnesses!

**Lady Tremaine:** Shouldn’t you arrest her or something? At least take points off for indecent exposure! Look at how naked she is; she’s actually showing leg skin! Who does that?!

**Duke:** Meh, current royal decree overrules petty arrest warrant. Or something. Here’s the shoe!

**Aqua:** …Fuck, what if it actually fits. Hurry up, you fucking mouse!

**Duke:** Bitch hurry it up!

**Aqua:** Hold _on_ , do you have any idea how hard it is to take these boots off?

**Cinderella:** TIMING!

**Lady Tremaine:** …Well fuck.

**Cinderella:** I WANNA TRY ON THE SHOE. *starts coming down the stairs*

**Lady Tremaine:** There’s absolutely no reason to pay any attention to this child!

**Cinderella:** Bitch I’m nineteen.

**Duke:** Indubitably, I have deduced that you are a bitch. Therefore, it’s _definitely_ pigeon eye-pecking for both you and your daughters. Also she’s the only blonde in the kingdom, that’s at _least_ a forty-three percent chance she’s the one we’re looking for!

**Aqua:** Hang on, let me help you down this one step that you can’t possibly climb down yourself.

**Cinderella:** Oh, thank you, I _am_ such a helpless Disney princess, after all. *sits down in chair*

**Aqua:** Terra says hi, by the way.

**Cinderella:** Who?

**Aqua:** Tall guy, brown flowy pants, black muscle shirt, big red X across his chest and back, ridiculous hair even for this series?

**Cinderella:** Oh, him. That’s nice.

**Lady Tremaine:** *trips Duke and makes him drop the slipper*

**Aqua:** Oh shit, I never learned _reparo…_

**Duke:** Oh, this is terrible! Terrible how we can only settle this with a “shoe fitting” and not any other aspects of her features! Terrible how she never once said her name so that this is the only way we can find her!

**Cinderella:** Are you victim-blaming me?

**Lady Tremaine:** Yes.

**Duke:** No, there’s victim-blaming and then there’s _common fucking sense. And also behaving like humans would actually fucking behave._

**Cinderella:** Oh shut up and take the other shoe that for some reason didn’t magically disappear when the spell broke. *pulls the other slipper right out of her ass*

**Lady Tremaine:** Curses, foiled again!

**Duke:** There’s no way to verify that this slipper is the same size as the one that broke, but who cares! Hooray! *makes out with the slipper*

**Aqua:** …Ew.

**Cinderella:** *slips her foot into the slipper* Hey, I have toes now! Neat!

**Aqua:** You mean you didn’t in the original?

**Cinderella:** Nope!

**Aqua:** *heavy sigh* Yet another unrealistic expectation for women.

**Cinderella:** YOU HAVE NATURAL BLUE HAIR.

**Jaq:** I am loudly cheering and celebrating! IGNORE ME!

**Aqua:** Oh how I wish I could.

**Duke:** A perfect fit! It sure is a good thing that she’s the only woman in the entire kingdom with this shoe size! And a talking mouse in the same house! Heh, I made a rhyme. I must inform the prince immediately! Come along, commoner!

**Cinderella:** M’kay…Hey, if the two of us have a son together, would that make him a Half-Blood Prince?

**Duke:** HA. But no. Considering that the king has absolutely no problem having his son marry a commoner, I’d say the royal bloodline has been diluted for some time.

**Cinderella:** I’m still making the joke if it happens.

**Duke:** But of course.

**Drizella:** Really? We’re just going to let them go?

**Anastasia:** Is this, like, the state of affairs today?

**Lady Tremaine:** Don’t worry, I have a cunning plan.

**Aqua:** I’m just meandering around outside I guess.

**Cinderella:** I AM SCREAMING.

**Duke:** I AM RUNNING AWAY!

**Aqua:** What now.

**Duke:** The girl whose name I _still_ don’t know was attacked by a creature that came at us out of the forest! And I just left her there! Boy am I the height of competency!

**Aqua:** Of course there has to be a boss at the end of each planet, why wouldn’t there be. I’m gonna go back to that evil field.

**Duke:** What evil field.

**Aqua:** The field of evil. Time to defeat it with the power of _light,_ you old hag!

**Cinderella:** How exactly _did_ you manage to Transfigure an evil pumpkin carriage that can shoot fireballs, anyway? You guys aren’t evil witches or anything, you’re just terrible child-abusing _normal people._

**Aqua:** *covers Cinderella’s body with her own* Wonder how much femslash fics there are of us.

**Cinderella:** I don’t know, I don’t actually read that much KH stuff aside from a brief stint when KHII came out. Everyone tried to make the Organization into high school students for some reason, I had to stop apart from funny shit.

**Aqua:** You too, huh?

**Lady Tremaine:** AHAHAHAHAHAHA how the crap did I just summon that thing.

**Drizella and Anastasia:** …Mother, you’re scaring us.

**Lady Tremaine:** Oh who even cares. Now, for the final touch!

**Fireball:** *falls on them and they explode*

**Cinderella:** …Did…Did they just explode?

**Aqua:** Apparently.

**Cinderella:** Oh their cries are horrible.

**Aqua:** Yeah well they're over now. Bright side, you’ll be able to see thestrals now!

**Cinderella:** Actually, I already could after Father died.

**Aqua:** Ah, Disney…

**Cinderella:** But…But how will we do the sequels now? As far as Disney sequels go, my third installment wasn’t that shitty!

**Aqua:** I know, I’m sorry, I really am. Now you piss off while I beat this thing to shit, okay?

**Cinderella:** You’re the boss, boss! *runs off*

**Aqua:** No, _this_ is the boss. *kills the Cursed Coach* Every morning I wake up and I relish the fact that I'm not a plant monster.

**Prince Thomas:** And I guess we immediately transition to me?

**Duke:** Look who I brought!

**Cinderella:** I still can’t believe you were the fucking prince this whole time!

**Prince Thomas:** HUG ME!

**Cinderella:** OKAY! Wait, why is the camera panning around us?

**Prince Thomas:** Because we’re just so in love after that one dance!

**Cinderella:** Okay…

**Duke:** YAY THE KING WON’T CUT MY HEAD OFF NOW!

**Aqua:** *sitting on the fountain* Well that’s vaguely horrifying.

**Fairy Godmother:** Thank you for doing all my hard work for me, my dear!

**Aqua:** So she has a pure heart filled with light, and she was attacked by a creature of darkness, which I destroyed before it could murder her. _It’s almost as if darkness used for purposes such as murder and other horrible things should be done the fuck away with._

**Fairy Godmother:** You’re still too young to understand. Do more shit and you’ll find the real answer.

**Aqua:** Why, I already know it’s gonna be friendship. Which is _light_ magic.

**Fairy Godmother:** I can tell you believe in your dreams every bit as much as Cinderella. Promise me you’ll never stop dreaming, dear. Just trust in your dreams, okay?

**Aqua:** What, the one I’ve already achieved? I am now a Keyblade Master. Yes I understand that I still have to work hard if I want to keep that title and there’s still so much I have to learn, but…mission basically accomplished.

**Fairy Godmother:** YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

**Aqua:** Shut up, Slan.

~Aqua and Ventus evidently get the same new Keyblades. That’s…That’s kind of lame.~


	14. Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...Got some real life shit going on right now, don't really feel up to being shittily creative with the disclaimer this week:** Super Best Friends Play, _Once Upon A Time, Fables, The Wolf Among Us, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Silent Hill 2, Harry Potter, Archer, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, How To Train Your Dragon, The Princess Bride, one of the millions of Thomas Sanders vines, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix._

~This is gonna be the spiel every time I play this game up to this point from now on.~

**Aqua:** *immediately heads to the Mirage arena and makes her armor a nice teal color* And now for dumb bullshit. *goes through every part of the arena she can without ragequitting, including the Command Board sections and the Rumble Racing* Okay, bored now, time for plot.

~Amazing how nearly four hours of gameplay can be summed up so easily.~

**Snow White:** You know, I bet you purposefully never taught me about stranger danger just so this could actually happen one day. *backs up against the wall*

**Evil Queen:** I’m not even gonna tell you about the part where this is a magic wishing apple, I’m just trying to peer pressure you into eating it by shoving it in your face and cackling in a fashion that is clearly evil. *puts the apple into her hands and starts wringing her own* Go on! It’s just poison!

**Snow White:** Well in that case, I’m sure that eating something that was given to me by a person who I was backing away from in terror just two seconds ago will be perfectly all right. Nom. This tastes like the fakest piece of non-food I’ve eaten in a while. Also why am I coughing up blood.

**Apple:** And why can’t we show her dying onscreen, she’d just be falling over, this is lame and ironically way more sinister-seeming.

**Evil Queen:** Finally, Daniel will be avenged — I mean now I’ll be fairest in the land. Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh…

~Was that spell to turn Regina into a hag ever mentioned as being reversible in the original?~

**Aqua:** …The first thing I see when arriving at this new planet is a fucking funeral scene. BRILLIANT! *approaches the dwarves gathered around Snow White’s glass coffin* Who died and how, I guess.

**Doc:** Snow White and poison.

**Aqua:** That sucks. Aww, she was only fourteen, that makes it sadder somehow.

**Doc:** She was so adorbs…

**Bashful:** And she’d sing for us…

**Happy:** We were always so happy when she was around…

**Sleepy:** She’d tell us stories before bedtime…

**Sneezy:** …I’m gonna be honest here, her warbling voice whenever she’d go on and on about a prince she spent five minutes with was kind of grating.

**Grumpy:** Oh thank Christ I wasn’t the only one thinking that. But I did like how she’d kiss us all before we left for work.

**Aqua:** So are you all relatives, or…?

**Happy:** No, we were all perfect strangers to her.

**Aqua:** So was this like an old folks home that she was in charge of? Because frankly I don’t want to think of any alternatives. That others already have. And wrote about in comic form. That was then made into a Telltale game. Which I really liked but still, that backstory’s fucking disturbing. *sighs* I guess I’ve involved myself now. How was she poisoned.

**Doc:** Well we’ve got a monarchy—

**Aqua:** Oh good, another one of those.

**Doc:** And the queen is a horrible bitch — I mean, witch. Who’s also a bitch. She was super jelly of Snow White’s youth and beauty and because there was someone prettier than her she obviously had to go. So she used her evil magic to transform herself and become even more hideous.

**Aqua:** …That sounds kind of dumb.

**Doc:** You said it. So then she gave Snow White a poisoned apple.

**Happy:** Well first she tried a lace bodice that choked her and then a poisoned comb whose antidote was to just remove the fucking thing, but I guess this one actually took.

**Aqua:** Has anyone tried dislodging the apple from her throat?

**Happy:** Actually yes, nothing doing.

**Aqua:** So she’s actually dead and we’re all just staring at this dead girl?

**Sneezy:** And heavily drinking in our grief.

**Aqua:** That sounds healthy.

**Sneezy:** Oh it's not, but at least we can choke out some flowery words that we wouldn't have otherwise.

**Grumpy:** Mostly. Drunk people say stupid shit.

**Sleepy:** I think I say really amazing, introspective shit, but it's also quite stupid.

**Grumpy:** Yeah, it's really dumb. The dumbest, smartest thing you've ever said.

**Sleepy:** Right?

**Doc:** Supposedly there’s a cure somewhere in the castle, but I might be just pulling stuff outta my ass at this point.

**Aqua:** So go to the castle, defeat the evil queen, got it.

**Grumpy:** Actually, we kinda already knocked her off a cliff. Well, lightning did, but still, vultures already got to her. So the castle should actually be pretty deserted by now, meaning there’s no danger in my going.

**Doc:** You’ll never make it! Never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it! Don’t you see, you can’t make it!

**Grumpy:** What makes you say that?

**Doc:** The part where the castle’s still probably crawling with monsters and magic and traps and the occasional floating sticker for some reason and monsters disguised as treasure chests and other similar shit.

**Aqua:** Okay, okay, I get the gist, I’ll go.

**Sneezy:** But you’re just a feeble woman!

**Aqua:** Oh right, this was made in the fucking thirties. Meh, still going.

**Doc:** So we don’t have to do nuthin’? Okay, we can work with that.

**Dwarf Woodlands title card:** Stiiiiill gonna just go with the Snow White section, aren’t ya?

**Grumpy:** If’n yer goin’ to that castle, watch out for them monsters!

**Aqua:** M’kay.

**Sneezy:** A-a-achoo! I miss her hot body — SOUP, meant soup, it helped my hay fever…

**Aqua:** SHE. WAS. FOUR. TEEN.

**Sneezy:** Eligible marrying age, yes.

**Aqua:** Gross.

**Doc:** I sure miss her dapple lumpkins—

**My Immortal readers:** LAWL, lumpkin.

**Doc:** Uh, lumple dapplins — uh, beautiful boobies — APPLE DUMPLINGS, why can’t I talk grammar good.

**Aqua:** Sounds like a case of dyslexia. And also horrible creepy old man shit.

**Bashful:** Gosh, I’d wash my hands every day if she’d come back to us.

**Aqua:** …That’s your big contribution.

**Bashful:** Well there’s no way I’m gonna stop masturbating!

**Aqua:** And I’m trying to help her _return_ to you, great.

**Dopey:** ELLIPSIS.

**Aqua:** I agree.

**Sleepy:** I miss her bedtime stories even though judging my the white beard I’m probably in my sixties or something and really should’ve outgrown such things because if you like anything even remotely childlike in your adult years then you’re seen as a worthless piece of humanity.

**Aqua:** Yeah, it sucks, doesn’t it…

**Happy:** I miss seeing her sweet smile. It sure was pretty. God, I wanted to kiss that mouth…

**Aqua:** …Okay, all seven of you are kind of obscenely creepy and disturbing and I am leaving now. *leaves now and dicks around in forest and meadow areas for a while till she’s level twenty-four before finally heading to the castle equipped with fire and magnet magic*

**Prince…either James or David according to Once…Which also had Charming be a nickname…fuck it, Charming:** *staring at the Wishing Well* I will always find you…

**Aqua:** Cute. Who’s the sentiment for.

**Charming:** There was a PRINCESS here. She’s gone now. And that means I can’t hear her horrible, nails-on-a-chalkboard voice!

**Aqua:** I keep hearing that, and now I’m actually kind of curious.

**Charming:** Was it all just some clichéd movie plot…?

**Aqua:** How can it be cliché, this was practically the first of its kind.

**Charming:** That’s…actually kind of a good point. And also probably false.

**Aqua:** Yeah…We _are_ both talking about Snow White, right?

**Charming:** Yeah. We’ve met several times after I caught her stealing my mother’s jewelry and we eventually fell in love after a long slog of wacky shenanigans — I mean we only met once for five minutes and I sang her a song and I guess left or something like immediately after. Probably should have stuck around. Oh well, live and learn. *sees Aqua’s face* …Hello? Still with me?

**Aqua:** …I’m sorry, it’s just that you have an even worse voice actor than I do. Took me aback for a second there.

**Charming:** I gotta read these lines like a robot before it's too late.

**Aqua:** Eurgh. Also she’s in a glass coffin made by seven creepy old guys, you should probably get over there pretty fucking fast. 

**Charming:** That indeed sounds potentially problematic. I’m gonna go look for her, hopefully it won’t take more than two seasons to do so. *runs off*

**Aqua:** That’s cool, I’m gonna run around this castle for a bit. *actually takes the time to backtrack to see if there’s any new dialogue*

**Charming:** *standing a fair distance away, actually* Can it be true? Her horrible voice is gone forever…

**Aqua:** You’re not gonna take the body away for no reason other than you find dead girls hot, are you?

**Charming:** No, she belongs here, though I hate the thought of having to bury such beauty…D’you think a quick, chaste kiss would be too creepy?

**Aqua:** Not as creepy as some might think but still kind of weird. I mean, if she’d died in your arms and you were still holding her, that’s one thing, but when she’s actually inside the coffin? Less so.

**Charming:** I’ll keep thinking about it, then.

**Aqua:** Righty-ho! *goes back to the castle and heads into the creepy basement section, where she murders everything but doesn’t even bother with the puzzle doors to get extra goody-goods, mainly because she actually thought _that_ was progression and wanted to avoid it. Whoops* Aww, I can’t get the sticker just yet! That’s gonna annoy the piss outta me for some time to come. *heads into the room where the Magic Mirror is and stares at said mirror* Yo, we got a reusable boss up in this bitch or what?

**Mirror:** We sure do!

**Aqua:** Fuck, it talks! *backflips higher than she’ll ever jump in-game before getting sucked into the mirror just like Terra was. Will be. TIMELINES ARE HARD*

**Mirror:** *is just the giant mask now* Wait, why am I attacking you? You _fine,_ girl! With way better hair than that Snow White bitch, and you’re probably actually legal by modern standards to boot, I think! Fuck it, _you_ should be fairest of them all! Your hair is blue! You win!

**Aqua:** *is bashing the mask in the…face? I guess?* I mean, we can still be equally fair or whatever your standards are, just in different ways—

**Mirror:** No. You can’t have too many waifu; you’ll ruin your laifu!

**Aqua:** If you say so. So if Regina’s gone, why bother fighting me in the first place?

**Mirror:** Got bored.

**Aqua:** Fair enough. MAN it’s hard to hit you sometimes, why you gotta be like this?

**Mirror:** It entertains me.

**Aqua:** Uh-huh. *eventually defeats him and pops out of the mirror world again* Man, hope I never have to go through anything like that with mirrors ever again…That wasn’t in the movie, was it? What gives?

**Mirror:** Iunno, I’ll be in Fabletown if you need me. *fucks off*

**Aqua:** *puts her hand on the mirror* …Well that was a fantastically-framed battle of wits.

~I love it when we’re automatically transported to the next cutscene.~

**Seven dwarves:** *are still crying over Snow White* …Sounds like half of us are laughing.

**Charming:** …Fuck it, I’m gonna do the thing I said I was gonna do. *bends over to kiss Snow White*

**Grumpy:** You nasty necrophiliac!

**Charming:** It’s _not_ necrophilia! I’m not having sex with her decaying corpse, I’m just kissing her! _Chastely!_ THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

**Aqua:** There really is. And hey, maybe with this he’ll be able to move on.

**Grumpy:** …Fair enough.

**Charming:** *kisses Snow and mourns some more*

**Aqua:** …What the actual fuck.

**Snow White:** *stretches and looks around, seeing Charming* You! You found me!

**Charming:** *smiles* Did you ever doubt I would?

**Snow White:** *sits up* Truthfully? The glass coffin gave me pause! *allows him to pick her up bridal style*

**Seven dwarves:** *cart wheeling and shit*

**Aqua:** …Wait, did I even have to fight the fucking mirror?! All I had to do was fetch the prince, why’d they have to shoe-horn in a pointless boss fight that makes no fucking sense?!

~…TIME FOR A SUDDEN FLASHBACK APPARENTLY.~

**Aqua:** You’re still not waking up, are you, Ventus?

**Ventus:** Nope.

**Aqua:** Poop. *starts to leave*

**Ventus:** Hang on, I’m twitching.

**Aqua:** YAY PROGRESS.

**Ventus:** *actually opens his eyes. His dull, dead eyes*

**Aqua:** GOOD MORNING, STARSHINE! THE EARTH SAYS HELLO!

**Ventus:** *sits up* The fuck even happened.

**Aqua:** Who cares, you’re awake! YO TERRA, ECIVRESNAF, GET IN HERE!

**Terra:** Time for sick elbow drops!

**Ventus:** Please don’t.

~The ensuing injuries meant that it would take far longer for Ventus to get out of bed.~

**Aqua:** Wait, why was I even remembering that in the first place…?

**Snow White:** Iunno, I’m busy kissing all these guys good-bye.

**Aqua:** Ew.

**Snow White:** On their _heads,_ idiot!

**Aqua:** Phrasing.

**Charming:** No not that head.

**Aqua:** Ah.

**Snow White:** What head? There’s only one head, isn’t there?

**Aqua:** …How sheltered _are_ you?

**Snow White:** Pretty fucking sheltered. Here, Dopey, let me stick my fingers in your ears to pull you closer to me, because I refuse to kiss you on the mouth.

**Charming:** Can we go get married now, I want to spend minimal time with our daughter before we’re forced to send her to another dimension.

**Snow White:** Sounds good to me! *lets him carry her away while she waves the whole time*

**Aqua:** And now to spew some vague philosophy bullshit to make me sound deep. But it helps me justify Ven’s fucking off to myself so maybe it’s worth it.

**Snow White:** You never really met we but we’ve D-Linked now.

**Aqua:** Oh joy.

**Rainfell:** Gonna swap me out for Treasure Trove, or…?

**Aqua:** …I don’t really like its stats, actually, so no. WAIT NO DON’T EJECT ME FROM THE PLANET — Aaaahhh. Fuck. *reenters*

**Bashful:** When the Prince came along and gave Snow White that kiss…Gawrsh, it was like a fairy tale.

**Aqua:** HA, IT’S FUNNY ‘CAUSE IT’S A FUCKING FAIRY TALE.

**Doc:** The drincet dressed — uh, lincess preft — uh, princess left. But I’m sure she’ll visit soon. Or just invite us to live at the castle as her guards or something.

**Grumpy:** Hmph, you’re pluckier than I’d have figured, bravin’ the witch’s castle like that.

**Aqua:** Isn’t it Snow’s castle again, since she inherited it from her father again?

**Grumpy:** DON’T SPEAK OF WHAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!

**Aqua:** …

**Sneezy:** I miss her again already…Ah-ah-ACHOO!

**Aqua:** You should get that looked at.

**Sneezy:** Meh.

**Dopey:** ELLIPSIS.

**Aqua:** You’re the sane one, aren’t you.

**Happy:** The Queen’s magic was nothing compared to the magic of twu wuv.

**Sleepy:** I started sleepin’ late again since Snow White isn’t here to wake me.

**Aqua:** YOU HAVE _SIX_ BROTHERS OR WHATEVER!

**Sleepy:** I know but I actually respected Snow.

**Aqua:** Ah. Now I must away ere break of day.

**Sleepy:** To find your long forgotten gold?

**Aqua:** Or whatever’s past the puzzle doors in the castle basement shit. Probably some special items or moves or some shit. *does the thing* HEY it was dumb items and moves and shit.

~Merlin’s pants every section in this game is abominably short if it’s not overly plot-related.~

**Aqua:** *goes back out into space and lands in the Enchanted Dominion right outside Maleficent’s castle just in time to see Aurora’s heart fly out the window* …Haven’t been here thirty seconds and already weird shit’s happening.

**Enchanted Dominion title card:** We’re just speeding through this whole thing, aren’t we.

**Aqua:** *heads into the courtyard and fights a bunch of shit before heading into the castle proper*

**Ventus:** Now take back what you said about Terra!

**Maleficent:** Fine, I put him under the Imperius Curse. But he still didn’t resist it though! That means he wanted it to happen!

**Ventus:** Shit.

**Aqua:** Oh fuck off with that shit! *runs up to Ven* Not everyone can throw it off so easily if at all. We can’t blame him for succumbing to an Unforgivable, okay, Ven? It wasn’t his fault and no one should be blamed for being forced like that. Got it?

**Ventus:** Got it!

**Maleficent:** Fine, live in denial all you want, it amuses me. And do you _really_ know what he was thinking at the time? Can you _ever_ know?

**Aqua:** Of course not, that’s the point of being individual people, Christ. *blatantly ignores one of the most famous and powerful Disney villains of all time* So Ven, Ecivresnaf sent me to pick you up.

**Ventus:** But I need to track down Terra, though.

**Aqua:** Saw him at the Castle of Dreams, he seemed fine. And frankly, Master Xehanort went missing and our dual mission is to go search for him; Terra’s using this as a opportunity to get a field promotion so there’s no way he’ll be coming home unless it’s with Master Xehanort in tow.

**Ventus:** I’m sorry, I’m having a flashback.

**Aqua:** Okay, I’ll wait.

**Ventus:** And I’m done. But no, I got a pretty ominous threat concerning Terra before I left, and I have to make sure it doesn’t come to fruition! *runs off*

**Aqua:** Ven, wait! What the hell’re you talking about?!

**Ventus:** I don’t think I’ll ever directly tell you!

**Aqua:** You shitbird!

**Maleficent:** I’m distracting you from going after one of your main targets! Now let’s talk about your Keyblade.

**Aqua:** I am sufficiently distracted. Also thanks for just standing there while we had a full conversation. Also also how do you know about the Keyblade.

**Maleficent:** You’re welcome, and you mean besides getting the shit kicked outta me just now? And remember, I Imperiused your friend into unlocking an actual person’s heart. Which now obviously means it has the strength to do that to entire planets as well, because that’s a logical leap to make. The universe will be mine to command… _TO CONTROL!_ So…yeah. I wants it. I needs it. Must have the precious.

**Aqua:** No.

**Maleficent:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Aqua:** That’s not gonna work every time, you know.

**Maleficent:** Xehanort was right, you are a bitch.

**Aqua:** …Fine, I’ll bite, what do you and Master Xehanort have in common.

**Maleficent:** You mean besides the fact that we’re both obviously really fucking evil? Fuck it, I don’t even want to look at you anymore. *raises her staff*

**Aqua:** … I’ve fallen into a disgusting trap, haven’t I. *falls through the sudden hole created in the floor that will never appear in Ventus's story mode despite the fact that it happened literally five seconds after he left the room* Thank Merlin for no fall damage…

**Phillip:** *is chained to the wall* ‘Sup.

**Aqua:** Hey. My name’s Aqua and I am not alarmed or put off at all by our current situation.

**Phillip:** Neat.

**Aqua:** So what’re you in for?

**Phillip:** I have the power to break the curse and she won’t let me for a good century or so. I was about to meet my waifu and now she’s in a coma. I can get her out of it, but…

**Aqua:** Wow, how long have you two known each other?

**Phillip:** We only met the once for less than an hour.

**Aqua:** IT MUST BE TWUE WUV.

**Phillip:** I’m so glad you understand.

**Flora:** That a fact?

**Phillip:** HOW DO YOU THREE KEEP GETTING IN HERE.

**Flora:** You want us to let you out or not?

**Aqua:** And once again, my magic key that can open absolutely any lock is apparently fucking useless. Still, guess Xehanort never told Maleficent about that particular aspect of the Keyblade, or she probably wouldn’t have locked me in here.

**Phillip:** And now I’m free I guess.

**Flora:** Now Phillip, normally you’d have to slay a dragon on your own, but now this random chick will help you out or whatever.

**Aqua:** If it’ll bring me face-to-face with Maleficent again so I can keep interrogating her about Terra then sure.

**Phillip:** …Sorry, actually having a woman fight alongside me instead of me going off to rescue them is kind of a strange thing for me.

**Aqua:** Eh, different planets, different cultural shit. Not _great_ cultural shit but I don’t live here.

**Flora:** Is there any greater system than the buddy system? It's perfect. Who would attack _two_ people. No one. So are we going or not?

**Aqua:** Just let me purchase some Fire and we’ll be on our way.

**Flora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Aqua:** *kills things _on her own_ until there’s a point where it’s relevant to the plot to fight beside Phillip* And now to kill more things. Fuck's sake. Who would live in a fucking shithole like this?

**Phillip:** All these losers. Excuse me. Could you fuck off, please. *kills things* You did a good job fucking off.

**Aqua:** Eat shit, shit eater. Why do you love the taste of poop so much in your mouth.

**Phillip:** I bet you don’t like that very much. Fucker.

**Aqua:** You did a good job being super gross.

**Phillip:** You’d be amazed how gross things can look if they’re just gross.

**Aqua:** I understand this.

**Phillip:** There’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up. *follows Aqua out of the castle* TIME TO EXPLODE SOME WALLS!

**Aqua:** HUZZAH! *helps Phillip explode some walls so she can jump up and murder more shit* Okay, I’ve inexplicably opened some gates now!

**Phillip:** Thanks for doing all the hard shit! See you when we fight the boss fight! *turns invisible and useless until then apparently*

**Aqua:** HIGH JUMP BEST JUMP. *equips it immediately and heads through the forest to the bridge*

**Phillip:** I’m back now! Bet you missed my input, eh?

**Aqua:** Oh yeah, you were _so_ missed.

**Maleficent:** …Imma make thorny vines appear around the castle now. YOU WILL NEVER GET PAST THEM!

**Aqua and Phillip:** *stare at Maleficent, then down to their respective blades of a sort, then back to Maleficent*

**Maleficent:** No, they’re magic, shut up.

**Aqua:** So you were talking about Master Xehanort earlier. What’s up with that.

**Maleficent:** WHY WON’T YOU DO ANYTHING I TELL YOU TO DO BLINDLY AND WITHOUT QUESTION. *scoffs* _Terra_ never had this problem!

**Aqua:** Terra would never _willingly_ do anything to help you!

**Maleficent:** But he has darkness in him, though.

**Aqua:** Well just become something that I can kill, already!

**Maleficent:** *turns into a giant dragon*

**Phillip:** You mean like that?

**Aqua:** Yeah, thank you! *bashes Maleficent in the face*

**Maleficent:** *sets the entire ground on fire and makes the edges of the area comprised of flames too high to jump over. Apparently*

**Aqua:** Oh, if only I could jump _over_ the flames with some kind of high jumping ability that I’ve just learned…

**Maleficent:** *jumps up and starts flying around*

**Phillip:** Aqua, do the thing! *launches Aqua up into the air*

**Aqua:** *lands on Maleficent’s back and casts all of the magic*

**Maleficent:** *lands again and allows Aqua to bash her in the face until she dies except we know she doesn’t die since she’s literally in every other sequel game except 3D and technically Days* BITCH I AIN’T DEAD YET! *proves this by blowing fire in Aqua’s general direction*

**Aqua:** *jumps out of the way*

**Phillip:** Now to swing the sword blindly…

**Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather:** PRINCE PHILLIP, CLAIM ALL THE CREDIT WITH YOUR KILL! *enchant the sword Phillip’s carrying to become a magnet to Maleficent’s heart*

**Phillip:** …If you could do that, why didn’t _you_ three kill Maleficent yourselves?

**Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather:** Because shut up.

**Phillip:** *shrugs and throws the sword, impaling Maleficent’s heart and making her burst into flames*

**Thorny vines:** *also disappear*

**Everything:** *turns green and pretty again*

**Phillip:** …IMMA GO KISS MY WAIFU AND CLAIM ALL THE CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING OKAY BYE! *runs off into the castle*

**Aqua:** …Dick.

**Maleficent:** OH I’M HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

**Aqua:** …So apparently love killed you. Not teamwork or light magic or anything, somehow it was love.

**Maleficent:** I call bullshit.

**Aqua:** For once, so do I. But still, it seems like you could do with some. Why not try watching the live-action movie—

**Maleficent:** I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE LIVE-ACTION MOVIE!

**Aqua:** You cared about the live-action Beauty and the Beast!

**Maleficent:** Emma Thompson played Mrs. Potts, Ewan MacGregor played Lumiere, Josh Gad played Lefou, and _Ian Motherfucking McKellen played Cogsworth! I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER!_ Aaaaand then I saw it. And...I mean, Emma Thompson still made me sob like a little poo-babby, but the rest of it was...I'm glad I saw it, but I have no desire to ever see it again. I have the 1991 version for that.

**Aqua:** You’re right! You’re not wrong! In fact you’re correct!

**Aurora:** Stiiiiill in a coma.

**Phillip:** Not for long, my waifu. This version isn’t actually about me finding sleeping chicks attractive unlike the original fairy tale; I was straight-up told that this would break the spell and wake her up. Sure it still suffers from apparently wanting to spend the rest of your life with an attractive person you only met once, but it’s not _as_ bad as other Disney adaptations have been. *leans in* And now to wake you up with twue wuv’s kiss… *holds up a bag of Hershey Kisses*

**Aurora:** *immediately wakes up and grabs the bag, squealing with joy*

**Phillip:** I HAD TO LOOK EVERYWHERE TO FIND THOSE!

**Maleficent:** I fucking hate puns.

**Aqua:** Oh come on, that thing we didn’t see and don’t fully know happened was hilarious!

**Maleficent:** AS LONG AS THERE IS LIGHT, THERE WILL BE DARKNESS.

**Aqua:** …I’m aware. That’s…that’s kind of what I trained for. That’s like my entire job description.

**Maleficent:** ONCE EVERYONE SUCCUMBS TO THE DARKNESS, I SHALL RULE OVER THEM ALL! _MANIACAL LAUGH, MANIACAL LAUGH, MANIACAL LAUGH!_ *dissolves into green flames*

**Aqua:** Whatever. *looks up at the sky* Terra, you better not fall prey to another Unforgiveable that it’s not your fault if you can’t fight it. Oh hey, the Fairy Stars Keyblade…Wait, was that the entire area? That was…short. Better go back to see if I missed anything.

**Merryweather:** Even with mean ole Maleficent gone, I don’t want to go anywhere near that dreadful castle. Probably because there’s a nameless horror within.

**Fauna:** Oh, I just love happy endings! That this somehow qualifies as!

**Flora:** We brought Aurora here to the forest when she was just a baby, and raised her as our own dear niece. To hide her from Maleficent, we named her Briar Rose, which has no ties to the original fairy tale at all so it was the perfect disguise!

**Aqua:** WHY AREN’T I ALLOWED TO CHECK OUT THE CASTLE.

~Ah, video game hallways. Gotta loathe ‘em!~


	15. A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **YO THAT BLACK PANTHER TRAILER THOUGH:** _Star Trek, Spaceballs, Dragonball Z, Cowboy Bebop,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Harry Potter, The Room, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, The Producers, The Animation Show,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Wow, just go right into another cutscene, don’t bother to let me breathe first or anything…~

**Aqua:** *muttering to herself as she flies around in space* Space…The Final Frontier…These are the — Wait, is that Terra?

**Terra:** This does seem to be my Keyblade motorcycle transporter thing, yes.

**Aqua:** YO, WAIT UP, SHITLORD!

**Terra:** No. *goes to plaid*

**Aqua:** Ah shit. *also goes to plaid and eventually returns to normal space* …Apparently going to plaid causes a new planet to appear. Will have to keep that in mind. *lands in Radiant Garden*

**Radiant Garden title card:** Once again, let’s just get this out of the way.

**Aqua:** Okay, looks like nothing’s going on, and I don’t see Terra anywhere…YO, NOT-YET DAVID TENNANT! YOUR NEW SHOW IS AWESOME!

**Scrooge McDuck:** What can I do ye fer?

**Aqua:** For you to magically make me remember to watch your show when it airs instead of keeping having to get it on demand would be nice, I'm like four episodes behind and am pretty busy with personal stuff right now...Anyway, you seen someone from outta town anywhere?

**Scrooge McDuck:** Well Ventus was headin’ towards the castle over there, while Terra was headin’ in the opposite direction.

**Aqua:** Ventus it is apparently! *makes her way to the gardens…and then goes in and out of the area for five-ever in the vain hope of getting a couple of fucking Abounding Crystals so she can form a Command that’ll grant her the EXP Walker ability because _shit_ does that come in handy. When that doesn’t happen _two hours later_ she moves on with the plot*

**Kairi:** I AM SCREAMING AND RUNNING! *runs away from the Unversed chasing her*

**Aqua:** LET THAT CHILD ALONE.

**Kairi:** *cowers as one lunges right for her face* …Okay how did that one miss. *runs behind Aqua and puts her hand on her Keyblade* I have touched this Keyblade, granting me the power to wield one.

**Aqua:** I’m just gonna never notice that. I _can_ tell she’s a Princess of Light, though, so that’s neat I guess. *stares at all the baby Unversed surrounding them* Oh no. Five of the weakest Unversed. There’s absolutely no way I can take them all out. Whatever will I do.

**Mickey:** I GOT THIS! *slices one in half*

**Aqua:** …That happened.

**Mickey:** You gonna save the princess or not?

**Aqua:** Never mind the wellbeing of the four-year-old behind me, where’d you get a Keyblade? And also who are you.

**Mickey:** THIS REALLY ISN’T THE TIME, WOMAN!

**Aqua:** Fine, whatever. *bodily picks up Kairi under her arm like a football and runs off…running back onscreen eight seconds later sans tiny female*

**Mickey:** …Okay, there’s no way you got that girl to safety in so short a time. What if more come after her while we’re dealing with these?

**Aqua:** It’s _fine._

**Mickey:** And _you’re_ the new Keyblade Master. I weep for the future.

**Aqua:** Oh don’t worry, I won’t be around much longer.

**Mickey:** Well that’s a relief, no matter how hard I struggle to find you after you're gone. *helps her fight off the respawning plot-related Unversed of the area* Well that was fun, wasn’t it.

**Aqua:** See? She was totally safe!

**Mickey:** I still dislike you.

**Aqua:** Whatever. So my name is Master Aqua, formerly apprenticed to Master Ecivresnaf.

**Mickey:** I’m Mickey, and I ran away from former Master Noiti Sopxe!

**Aqua:** Cool. So this girl’s heart is entirely made up of light, huh?

**Mickey:** Seems that way.

**Aqua:** So that’s why those monsters attacked her?

**Mickey:** Seems that way.

**Aqua:** And they’ll probably keep coming after her no matter what and she’ll never be safe ever just like the rest of the Princesses of Light and we’re probably doing them a huge disservice by leaving them to their own devices whenever we fuck off somewhere else?

**Mickey:** Seems that way.

**Kairi:** Wait, you’re saying monsters are attacking me? Well fuck.

**Mickey:** It’s only because you’re special!

**Kairi:** I suddenly don’t wanna be special.

**Aqua:** Tough.

**Mickey:** …Dude we should totally team up.

**Aqua:** I thought you didn’t like me much.

**Mickey:** Eh, what are the odds of running into more small children? You know what’s the best amount of children?

**Aqua:** Zero?

**Mickey:** That’s correct! You seem decent enough when you’re not tasked with protecting younger people. And it’ll give you someone to talk to and someone halfway competent to fight beside during the rest of your game!

**Aqua:** FUCK YEAH LET’S DO THIS SHIT!

**Star Shard:** *uses _that_ moment to decide to activate*

**Mickey:** …I hate everything. *vanishes in a burst of light and speeds off into space* See you after the endgame!

**Aqua:** …I’m so fucking confused right now.

**Kairi:** Ah forget about that guy. I picked you some flowers!

**Aqua:** …No you didn’t, you’ve been hanging onto them for a while now.

**Kairi:** Do you want the damn flowers or not.

**Aqua:** I have literally nowhere to put them but sure, why the hell not.

**Kairi:** My name’s Kairi, and despite never being a playable character and always getting kidnapped and also nearly always being totally ineffectual, I’m somehow more of a main character than you could ever hope to be!

**Aqua:** …Aqua. So, I was actually wondering if I could talk to you about something—

**Kairi’s grandmother:** Kairi, are you talking to strangers again?

**Kairi:** Sure am!

**Kairi’s grandmother:** Well can you hurry it up, it’s nearly dinner time.

**Aqua:** Hang on, let me touch your chest real quick.

**Kairi’s grandmother:** I will do nothing to stop this.

**Aqua:** It’s actually just your necklace, but from a distance I’m sure it would seem highly suspect. *necklace glows briefly* I just cast a magic spell on you. If you were ever to die, your soul will latch itself onto the only living thing in the area. This will ensure you never really die unless that person dies as well. And yet somehow this doesn’t qualify as Dark magic.

**Kairi:** …Thanks? *runs away from the terrifying woman*

**Kairi’s grandmother:** About time, let’s go already.

**Kairi:** Sure fine whatever. Bye random stranger!

**Aqua:** See you potentially never!

**Kairi:** Hey, Grandma?

**Kairi’s grandmother:** Hmm? What is it?

**Kairi:** Why don’t I have parents?

**Kairi’s grandmother:** Because this game is co-owned by Disney and you’re Disney royalty.

**Kairi:** Moana and Rapunzel and Aurora have parents.

**Kairi’s grandmother:** SILENCE!

**Kairi:** No, I wanna hear the story that’s sort of not really the underlying mythos of this whole franchise, we haven’t heard it in like four games.

**Kairi’s grandmother:** This is why I hate dealing with children.

**Kairi:** Aw, you know you love me.

**Kairi’s grandmother:** Sure, let’s go with that. Fine, here we go: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was world peace and everyone lived in the light. Everyone loved the light, even albinos and those who couldn’t look at the light too long without getting blinding headaches. Then people began to fight over it, because they wanted to own chunks of the light, like how people fight over oxygen except they don’t because that’s dumb. And darkness was born in their hearts and not from their fucking shadows or the night if there was any night. The darkness spread, swallowing the light as well as many people’s hearts. It covered everything, and the world they were on exploded. But small fragments of the light still survived, embedded into the hearts of children. Somehow surviving the explosion of their planet, the children used these fragments to rebuild their planet, like how those few surviving children in the first Pokémon movie were able to repopulate the world through the power of their tears or some other bullshit. That planet…is the one we’re living on right now! WHAT A TWIST! But there’s another, even brighter light, still engulfed in darkness. That’s why there isn’t any interplanetary travel these days. But someday, the door to the blackest, darkest of darkness will open, and the true light will be able to return. So, listen, child—

**Kairi:** I’VE _BEEN_ LISTENING, YOU OLD HAG!

**Kairi’s grandmother:** Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

**Kairi:** BITCH YOU KNOW I DISLIKE THAT ADAPTATION!

**Kairi’s grandmother:** Believe in the light, and darkness will never defeat you. Your heart will shine with its power, and drive the darkness away. Do you understand, Kairi?

**Kairi:** NOPE!

**Aqua:** Kairi…Something tells me she’s _definitely_ gonna be a plot device someday. Now what the fuck am I gonna do with these flowers, I hate nature. Nature’s the worst. Nature is a cantankerous bitch who’s drunk with power.

**Section of Trinity Armor:** Tell me about it. I think if we all banded together and harnessed the power of bleach, we can finally make Radiant Garden the sterile, lifeless planet it was always meant to be. Now I’m off to wreak some havoc.

**Aqua:** Oh would you freaks just give me a minute already!

**Mickey:** YO WE GOTS A D-LINK! NEVER NOT USE ME, I DOUBLE EXP WHEN LEVELED UP!

**Aqua:** HOLY SHIT THAT’S THE BEST MECHANIC I’VE SEEN THIS GAME!

**Destiny’s Embrace:** I guess the flowers you just got turned into a Keyblade?

**Aqua:** …Holy shit, is this the one Kairi was using in KHII? That’s…That’s actually a really cool tie-in! *equips it immediately and heads to the next area* I’m chasing a highly destructive-look Unversed. Gee, I wonder if I should go through the door that’s been broken down and busted to shit! *fucks around until she gets a single Abounding Crystal from the Mandrakes first* SHIT YEAH EXP WALKER! Should've probably poured this into Lucky Strikes _first_ but who cares. *heads to the boss fight* Holy shit, Terra’s right the fuck there, did not expect that.

**Ventus:** HEY TERRA!

**Aqua:** HEY TERRA!

**Terra:** Aqua, Ven. Wait, _Ven?!_

**Aqua:** I told you!

**Terra:** Oh, right.

**Ventus, Aqua, and Terra:** *all summon their respective Keyblades*

**Terra:** …I’m holding Treasure Trove, why is this showing Earthshaker.

**Ventus:** And I’m holding Fairy Lights, not Wayward Wind.

**Aqua:** Never mind that, are you telling me there were _more_ boss Unversed?

**Trinity Armor:** *connects all three parts into something infinitely more badass than the Guard and Reverse Armors could ever hope to be*

**Aqua:** Ah.

**Terra:** Y’all ready for this?

**Ventus:** We’ll find out! *dies almost instantly*

**Aqua:** Damn it, I knew I should’ve sent him back home when I had the chance!

**Terra:** Why didn’t you?

**Aqua:** I thought he could handle himself. Clearly I was wrong.

**Trinity Armor:** *can apparently summon fireballs that float around for no reason until they decide to hit people*

**Terra:** And I’m out too. Fuck.

**Ventus:** I’m awake again! And now I’m dead again.

**Aqua:** WHAT THE SHIT, YOU GUYS.

**Trinity Armor:** *splits up, giving everyone three different targets as one hops around and the other two fly around slamming into people or firing lasers and shit everywhere*

**Aqua:** I am _not_ enjoying doing the brunt of the work you two! *kills one of the pieces*

**Other two pieces:** *shoot lightning at each other and spin around and shit*

**Aqua:** …Okay, don’t get hit by that. Noted.

**Terra:** I am now alive again! And I’m not completely ineffectual!

**Aqua:** Oh huzzah! *still does most of the work* CUTSCENE FINISHING MOVE!

**Terra and Ventus:** ON IT! *team up and murder Trinity Armor to death*

**Terra:** YAY WE WON.

**Aqua:** We should really team up more often in a part of the game that’s not just the command board or plot-related shit.

**Ventus:** Totally agree. Hey, Terra! I’m half-convinced that you’re up to random acts of evil and that you’re starting to turn into a bad guy, plus the fact that some random guy said that you would change for the worse and that I would barely recognize you anymore. Even though I’ve been sidetracked by incredibly important things like fashion design and the like, I’ve been really worried about you for some time now. But who cares about any of that! WE’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!

**Terra:** ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!

**Ventus:** Well, Disney _Town,_ but still, you know? *hands the other two the fast passes* This giant talking duck gave them to me.

**Terra:** I see no reason to question this.

**Aqua:** Well I met him too, so…

**Ventus:** He told me to take my parents, but you guys are my siblings, so…

**Aqua:** Sometimes I think we _are_ your parents.

**Terra:** That’s too adorable an image, I’m getting a fluff overload over here.

**Aqua:** NO! MORE FLUFF! After I take Ven home, anyway.

**Ventus:** …Didn’t you _just say_ that we should team up more often?

**Aqua:** Yep!

**Ventus:** …Look, I’ve gotten way stronger since I left the Land of Departure! I even took out the guy in the mask that was threatening Terra! I mean, I didn’t kill him, but I beat the shit out of him, which is basically the same thing; he’ll _never_ want revenge for something like that!

**Terra:** Wait, you _saw_ Vanitas?!

**Ventus:** …If he’s the guy in the mask, then as established, yes.

**Aqua:** …Who are we even talking about right now.

**Ventus:** Should…Should I not have fought that guy?

**Terra:** No you really shouldn’t have. Let Aqua take you home. Now.

**Ventus:** Why should I be shunted to the sidelines again?! I’m easily more powerful than both of you! I was the only one who was able to not die against that Unversed just now!

**Terra:** *laughs* Excuse me? You passed out, like, twice or something!

**Ventus:** No I didn’t! You did!

**Terra:** Clearly you were hallucinating, since I never passed out during this fight.

**Ventus:** Yes you did! And you, Oh Great And Powerful Keyblade Master, you died like three times or something over the course of the fight! You were the worst one of us!

**Aqua:** I did not see that at all!

**Terra:** I did not see that likewise, in a way that is similar to you.

**Aqua:** I’ll have you know that I never passed out! I _did_ see Terra die a couple times though. Not as much as you, Ven, but still more than I did. Which was zero.

**Terra:** There’s two schools of thought on this and neither school really cares. Ven, just let the adults handle it, okay? We gotta do dangerous shit and you’ll just die over and over again. I don’t want to see that happen anymore.

**Aqua:** …What are you talking about? All we have to do is find Master Xehanort. Is there some sort of side quest you’re not telling us about? One not sanctioned by the Master?

**Terra:** Actually, yes. Master Xehanort isn’t willing to come home until I’ve helped him rectify a mistake he’s made. It involves fighting the darkness, just like Master Ecivresnaf wanted.

**Aqua:** Okay, we acknowledge that you were placed under the Imperius Curse in the Enchanted Dominion, but that still doesn’t excuse you even considering doing horrible things to people in the first place, even if it is to fulfill your primary objective. Because I somehow know about your choices in the Dwarf Woodlands.

**Ventus:** Hey, the important thing is that he _didn’t_ do the bad thing in the end.

**Aqua:** He still considered it though, which is just as bad apparently and makes him an asshole.

**Terra:** In my head?

**Aqua:** Yes you are! I am mad at you for saying this thing in your own mind! And him even considering to use the darkness is why he failed in the first place; if he keeps backpedalling like this he’ll never make it! Ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it! Don’t you see, he can’t make it!

**Terra:** *exasperated sigh* Look, I’ve just befriended the first people I met in each world and gave them a hand, same as you two!

**Aqua:** Yeah, but we don’t befriend extremely obviously evil people!

**Terra:** Master Xehanort.

**Aqua:** …He doesn’t count, Master Ecivresnaf trusts him too for some dumbass reason even though he actually has proof that he’s evil.

**Terra:** And we all follow the Master’s example. You can’t really blame me for automatically trusting obvious villains, it’s how I was trained! *blinks* Also I’m resentful of you spying on me for the Master.

**Aqua:** Dude, we all got the same four or five worlds at the start and we’ll keep unlocking the same worlds that happen to be geographically closest to our starting point, even if their locations shift radically in ten years because that’s how planetary alignments work. It’s not really that hard to keep up with what you two have been up to.

**Terra:** But the Master _did_ order you to spy on me, right?

**Aqua:** …Okay yes.

**Ventus:** Aqua! How dare you expressly follow the orders that our collective father figure whom we all implicitly trust gave to you!

**Terra:** How’s all that betrayal food in your stomach digesting?!

**Ventus:** Does it taste delicious?

**Terra:** Does it taste like _deceit?!_

**Ventus:** Does it pass easily?!

**Aqua:** Hey whatever man, fuck you, I’m not perfect. No one’s perfect in this world.

**Terra:** Everybody betray me. I’m feddap widis worl! *turns to leave*

**Ventus:** Bro, wait up—

**Terra:** Piss off.

**Ventus:** *sharp intake of breath*

**Terra:** …Okay I’m sorry, but I need some alone time, all right? *starts to walk away*

**Aqua:** Terra, please! The Master has seen so many people implode from the darkness, and he loves you like a son so he doesn’t want you to suffer the same fate if he can help it! I was only supposed to keep a vague eye on you and prevent you from implosion if necessary! Damn it, Terra, please don’t use this personal betrayal as an excuse to follow an even darker path!

**Terra:** Hey, that’s a great idea, I’m gonna go do that! *leaves*

**Aqua:** Ah shit…

**Ventus:** You’re the nozzle that the douche juice comes out of.

**Aqua:** For doing my job?

**Ventus:** Yes. Also were you also ordered to take me home.

**Aqua:** Now _that’s_ a little of column A and a little of column B. I was actually all for defying the Master’s orders on this one, seeing him as being overly paranoid, but considering you got your ass handed to you several times throughout this last boss fight—

**Ventus:** _YOU’RE_ THE ONE WHO GOT HER ASS HANDED TO HER SO OFTEN! I NEVER FUCKING DIED _ONCE!_

**Aqua:** *clutches Wayfinder in frustration* Wait, what level even are you right now?

**Ventus:** Thirty-six!

**Aqua:** …Holy shit, I’m only thirty-three. You know, when you put it like that, this seems like shit.

**Ventus:** Aqua, following orders and showing reluctance when the orders you’re given go against what you want to do and what you think is right means that you’ve let your new rank go to your head.

**Aqua:** No it doesn’t, it means I’m _doing my fucking job._

**Ventus:** Whatever, Imma go after Terra into an area that I don’t think you’re allowed in because you psychically know your section of the plot doesn’t take you down there. *runs off*

**Aqua:** Stop, don’t, come back.

**Smoke stack:** *is spewing smoke during a time when we know for a fact that Ansem the Wise and the other scientists are working on experiments concerning the darkness in people’s hearts, and I’ve made several jokes about needing to hide the bodies in previous parodies. Um*

**Sun:** LENS FLARE! Also it’s kind of weird how you never see any actual stars out in space, just planets that are all apparently equidistant from whatever stars are out there, can’t believe it took me this long to notice that*

**Aqua:** I AM WISTFULLY MISSING MY FRIENDLY-FRIENDS! And then there’s an instant mood whiplash as the game reminds me that I’m going to Disney World. *heads across town and accidentally picks up another Abounding by the time she gets to Merlin and doesn’t notice until she has to craft shit again*

**Merlin:** Oh good, the final main character swings by so I can finally get some fucking rest after this. Why don’t I just leave the book outside I wonder, all I want to do is sleep!

**Aqua:** …Gwah—

**Merlin:** Go inside to get a new Command Board level thing.

**Aqua:** You mean the one I’ve already played inside the Mirage Arena?

**Merlin:** The very same!

**Aqua:** Well if it’ll make you shut up then sure. *heads inside and reads the book real quick* _Man_ am I glad we don’t have to get too involved this time around. *goes back outside*

**Scrooge McDuck:** Well hello, lassie. Did ye find the boy ye were lookin’ for? I’m on a bit of a hunt meself — fer the perfect spot to set up shop here in town. Real estate…Ach, always a pain in the buttfeathers! But I’m up for a wee bit of a challenge today, heh heh.

**Aqua:** Have fun taking eleven years to achieve your current goal! *heads back into the Central Square*

**Vanitas:** ‘Sup, gurl.

**Aqua:** Oh so _you’re_ the one the other two were talking about.

**Vanitas:** Yep. That guy still a huge pussy?

**Aqua:** Kinda—

**Vanitas:** SHUT UP! I’m having a rhetorical conversation!

**Aqua:** …Um—

**Vanitas:** And now I’m going to kill you. *summons Void Gear*

**Aqua:** Could you not? *summons Destiny’s Embrace*

**Vanitas:** *is _really_ annoying when he Disapparates out of the way, though most of his Dark Firagas are easy to dodge*

**Aqua:** *eventually kicks his ass* Wait why am I panting, I used Cura near the end of the fight, I should be fine. *walks up to Vanitas who’s laying flat on his back on the ground* So who are you, anyway?

**Vanitas:** It’s actually kind of fucking hilarious, and you can even almost tell by my voice sometimes.

**Aqua:** Huh, you’re still alive. Instead of finishing you off right now, I’ll jump back and give you a chance to escape!

**Vanitas:** …Yep, I can _definitely_ see why they made _you_ Keyblade Master. *summons a Dark Corridor behind him* Conglaturations, you get to live until Ventus actually proves himself useful. You better hope he remains a pussy. *leaves*

**Aqua:** *actual dialogue* I have to stop him before anything else happens to Terra and Ven. *end actual dialogue* If only he walked away slowly enough for me to have ample time to chase him through the Dark Corridor which remained open for a short period after he left! IF ONLY I DIDN’T STAND SO FUCKING STILL THIS WHOLE TIME!

**Ventus:** *runs into view* Hey, Aqua, you finish fighting Vanitas yet?

**Aqua:** Only just. Didja find Terra?

**Ventus:** Yep!

**Aqua:** …So where is he?

**Ventus:** Oh, he fucked off.

**Aqua:** Well done.

**Ventus:** Shaddup.

**Aqua:** With pleasure, I have to leave anyway.

**Ventus:** Good, I’ll come with.

**Aqua:** You will not! Just go home already!

**Ventus:** Not until you give me a decent reason to! And don’t give me the “I’m too weak” treatment because that’s the one thing I’m not buying. I haven’t had to use a Continue once and I always make sure to be vastly overlevelled than I need to be!

**Aqua:** I get that you’re strong, but you’re my little brother and I love you and I don’t want to see you lose so much as a sliver of health, because when you hurt I hurt! *puts her hand on Ven’s shoulder* Call me selfish but that’s how it is! I’ll always worry about you, do you not get that?

**Ventus:** Yeah, I get that. I get that even though we just fought a giant-ass Unversed together and I did the brunt of the work according to the health meters on this particular playthrough, you still think I’m incompetent and have no faith in me whatsoever. Oh yes, I understand _perfectly._

**Aqua:** Good, I’m glad we have that sorted out. *puts on armor and goes into space*

~This constant character stupidity and lack of communication is why this is so much easier to make fun of than Days was.~

**Aqua:** Huh, three new planets. Two of them with the same battle level. Guess I’ll go with the one that requires the least amount of work first, get that shit out of the way nice and quickly… *lands in Disney Town* …Well this certainly is…bright…

**Pete:** I’M STILL DOING THE CAPTAIN JUSTICE GIMMICK!

**Aqua:** Oh, hey, I recognize you from the Command Board section of the Mirage Arena. You’d appear randomly to give whoever you were following free points at select intervals.

**Pete:** I see my reputation for possessing legendary skills precedes me! *does a stupid pose and the back ground turns all yellow and red and shit*

**Aqua:** …How did you make the background do that?

**Pete:** I DON’T KNOW.

**Aqua:** Neat. I’m going to walk away now.

**Pete:** Don’t you dare! I’m trying to help ya, see?

**Aqua:** I don’t see, since I don’t need help. Well, technically, I do, but somehow I don’t think you’d be much help in the fight against Vanitas, nor would you know where Master Xehanort is, so—

**Horace:** OH GOD I NEED SO MUCH HELP!

**Pete:** I’m on it!

**Horace:** …You know what, I’m good, actually. Unless…

**Pete:** What?

**Horace:** …Just the man. The very man. A shitton of monsters have shown up in the next area and are throwing fruit at people in full accordance with the rules of the game for some reason. Your moment has come at last.

**Aqua:** Throwing fruit at people? Don’t tell me I have to do the Fruitball shit, I’m the worst at that game!

**Pete:** I — well, I —

**Aqua:** That’s settled. We’ll leave you to deal with the monsters, Captain Justice. Your skills, after all, are legend.

**Pete:** I — I really never — you may have misunderstood —

**Horace:** Right now would be an excellent time to do it. We’ll make sure everyone’s out of your way. You’ll be able to tackle the monsters all by yourself. A free reign at last.

**Pete:** V-Very well. I’ll — I’ll be over by the raceway getting — getting ready. *runs the fuck away*

**Horace:** *flares nostrils* Right. That’s got _him_ out from under our feet.

**Aqua:** So I _should_ be tracking down Vanitas and also fulfilling my original mission of finding Master Xehanort, but I can waste several hours on mini-games if you want, I mean why not, I don’t have friends to save.

**Horace:** I do want, I very much want. So in order to stop these monsters from whacking fruits at people and playing very much by the rules and not bothering anyone outside of the game and generally being harmless, we have to beat them at their own game, which will not end up destroying them but only demoralizing them until it’s their turn to play again.

**Aqua:** …Or I could just whack ‘em with my giant key sword thing.

**Horace:** But then we wouldn’t have a pointless mini-game!

**Aqua:** …You know what, I’m gonna procrastinate. *dicks around and gets all the items and stickers she can at the moment, and then does every single ice cream level just to get the times in the journal* Wow, I actually got a fantastic at one point. Note to self: Use this save file to get the trophy after everything else is done. *spends some time leveling up and melding Commands for a while before eventually getting bored and going to hell — I mean returning to Horace for the one mini-game I can’t fucking figure out for the life of me*

**Horace:** Okay, here’s the _really easy_ controls. Knock fruit into the opponent’s side of the court, try to hit the goal, and you can knock it into the air and either aim it at the goal or your opponent. Also if you’re quick you can stop your opponent from getting points by blocking the goal and firing it into _their_ goal instead. I suggest you keep everything airborne, it’s probably the best strategy. Got it?

**Aqua:** MY HEAD IS NOW A GIANT EGG!

**Horace:** AAAAHHH!

**Aqua:** MY HEAD IS NOW A GIANT EGG!

**Horace:** AAAAHHH!

**Aqua:** EGG!

**Horace:** AAAAHHH!

**Aqua:** EGG!

**Horace:** AAAAHHH!

**Aqua:** EGG!

**Horace:** AAAAHHH!

**Aqua:** Flower.

**Horace:** Ahhh.

**Aqua:** EGG!

**Horace:** AAAAHHH!

**Aqua:** EGG!

**Horace:** AAAAHHH!

**Aqua:** *tries and miraculously wins by a single point with nearly no time left*

**Horace:** YAY YOU DID THE THING! The monsters aren’t dead, but who cares, you won a mini-game!

**Aqua:** …You are aware that there are monsters all over town, right?

**Horace:** Yeah but those places ain’t got no people in ‘em so no one cares.

**Aqua:** Still, though.

**Horace:** You’ve definitely got my vote!

**Minnie:** *walks up with Pluto, who’s actually _in_ this game! Producing nothing of value as usual!* I have no idea who to vote for anymore, after three such lovely candidates!

**Aqua:** And you are?

**Horace:** YOU WILL SHOW RESPECT TO OUR QUEEN!

**Aqua:** Oh shit! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was in the presence of royalty! *bows hurriedly*

**Minnie:** Oh don’t bother with all that. 

**Aqua:** What, you're not the Queen of England?

**Minnie:** No, surprisingly. I'm Minnie, Mickey's wife.

**Aqua:** That's a warning sign right away. “Who're you?” “WIFE.” “Okay.”

**Minnie:** I should be working on the defense of our kingdom and yet I’m focusing so hard on the festival at the expense of everything else.

**Horace:** Eh, it keeps up morale, I call it good. Sure, we’d all be happier with a man in charge, but beggars can’t be choosers and we’re all making the most of your poor leadership. Also apparently this festival is held annually and yet it won’t happen at all in eleven years when people can freely travel here again, isn’t that odd.

**Minnie:** …I’m so pleased that you have so much confidence in me.

**Horace:** Think nothing of it! Now let’s shit on Pete for a little while!

**Aqua:** …You ever think that maybe it’s because you shit on him so much that he turned out to be a shitty person?

**Horace:** Nope, we only started treating him shittily when he started acting shittily. He’s a selfish asshole who’s only acting nice now so he can get the Million Dreams Award prize.

**Aqua:** Which is?

**Minnie:** An award that we hand out to whoever acts the nicest throughout the festival.

**Aqua:** And it’s put to a vote?

**Minnie:** Exactly!

**Aqua:** Oh, so it’s a popularity contest. No wonder this guy changed his outlook, he probably just wants to feel accepted and important since you guys put him down so much.

**Minnie:** But that’s just because he’s got the wrong idea about how to do things! You have to be willing to fight leagues of horrible monsters in festival-inspired games or stack meters upon meters of ice cream if you’re going to be considered a true hero!

**Aqua:** …I think you’ve got your priorities a little mixed up.

**Horace:** I SAY AQUA SHOULD GET THE AWARD!

**Aqua:** Pfft, like hell I’m sticking around for this shit.

**Horace:** All right, so, I know it's tempting to be like Who Gives A Shit versus No One Gives A Fuck—

**Aqua:** Oh yeah!? Yeah!? That's tempting, huh!?

**Horace:** But wait — just wait a minute! Hold a minute! My vote’s very important, you know!

**Minnie:** Oh, that’s so sweet, he thinks his opinion matters. NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!

**Aqua:** No, seriously, who’s the dog and why doesn’t he wear clothes or talk like the rest of you.

~Has anyone ever been able to satisfactorily explain that?~


	16. Little

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WAITING ROOMS ARE FUN:** _Monty Python’s Flying Circus,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Pokémon, Undertale, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Attack on Titan,_ Phelous, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~I am so fucking glad we don’t have to do tournament shit in this game.~

**Olympus Coliseum title card:** Yep, still chillin’ here.

**Aqua:** Oh for fuck’s sake, I can’t go two steps without running into you fuckers, can I. *summons Destiny’s Embrace* Damn, those Buckle Bruisers are the first ones that’re gonna give me actual trouble, I can already tell somehow.

**Phil:** *runs up and starts doing bullshit kung fu moves* Stand back, sweetcheeks! A woman can never be a hero! I, an extremely overweight and unskilled half-goat thing, will be able to fight off the giant monsters with relative ease and do a _much_ better job than someone who’s in shape and has a weapon will ever be able to!

**Aqua:** …I don’t think I like you very much.

**Buckle Bruiser:** Yeah but remember how you can’t attack me from the front?

**Phil:** …HERC, GOT SOME SPECIAL TRAINING FOR YA! *runs away*

**Hercules:** *runs in*

**Aqua:** All right, let’s partner up I guess.

**Hercules:** …But, you…A-Aren’t you…a damsel in distress?

**Aqua:** …No?

**Hercules:** Oh, okay then. *helps Aqua slaughter the constantly respawning Unversed* Hey, why’s the camera doing a victory lap around us?

**Aqua:** Probably because we look like sick badasses.

**Hercules:** This is true.

**Phil:** Oy, those wackos almost made gyros outta me!

**Aqua:** …What—

**Hercules:** It’s a Greek meat dish.

**Aqua:** Ah.

**Hercules:** And you were the one who was trying to fight them even though you’re not actually much of a fighter despite the personal trainer thing!

**Phil:** When you get older, you’ll understand.

**Hercules:** I hate hearing that shit, I wanna know now.

**Aqua:** He wants to sleep with me and he thought the best way to do that was to demean me and insinuate that I was weak.

**Hercules:** Ah, okay. But I do understand that I have to get stronger as more time passes! Then I’ll be able to become a hero for sure!

**Aqua:** …Physical strength does _not_ equate to being someone’s hero.

**Hercules:** Dude, this planet has way stronger monsters than even the ones we just fought, so if I’m gonna protect people I have to be strong enough to literally move mountains and shit. Also Terra’s hella strong, being the current champion and all, so…

**Aqua:** Terra was here already too, eh? Weird, he would’ve been held up in Disney Town for the ice cream award ceremony thing, how’d I get here after him.

**Phil:** So, sugar-tits, you wanna come back to my place? I’ve got some, uh, interesting artwork I’d like to show ya…

**Aqua:** No, I wanna know how you two know Terra.

**Phil:** Oh, great, another fangirl. I’m so sick of hearing about this guy. _I’m_ supposed to be training the next big thing, and suddenly this guy with terrible hair swings by and steals the spotlight!

**Aqua:** No, he’s one of my friends, I’ve known him for years, and I’ve been trying to track him down.

**Phil:** Uh-huh, sure. He just shows up outta nowhere, like he came from another planet or something, wins the tournament on his first try which never happens ever and never will happen ever, and then the nudnik up and goes back to his home planet again like he was never here in the first place except to collect ice cream ingredients and train once with Herc just to say he did for some reason!

**Aqua:** …Da fuck’s a nudnik?

**Hercules:** A boring or annoying person.

**Aqua:** I’m learning so much today.

**Hercules:** But still, apparently he’s reached the rank of true hero somehow. I need to get there and fast…

**Phil:** *actual dialogue* Yeah, he’s so tough that he turned the last schlemiel who faced him into a raving yahoo.

**Aqua:** Schlemiel? Yahoo? Whatever language you’re speaking, it ain’t Greek. Also why can I suddenly understand Greek.

**Hercules:** Quit being a dick, Phil, it wasn’t Zack’s fault.

**Aqua:** Too bad he left for the next planet already apparently. _Why_ do we never run into each other while leveling up.

**Phil:** Hey, we got more tournaments coming up soon! Maybe he’ll show up to one of them!

**Hercules:** He might want to defend his title, yeah!

**Phil:** And now I’m suddenly convinced you can fight, probably because you helped Herc here battle a fuckton of monsters, which why me thinking you’re nothing but a fangirl made no sense earlier. I’ll sign you up for the games right now if you want! *starts walking around her* And if you need a…trainer, I’d be more than happy to…put you through the ropes. Know what I mean, know what I mean, say no more, nudge nudge?

**Hercules:** Damn it, Phil, I thought we _just_ established that I’m your one and only pupil!

**Aqua:** Once again, he’s insinuation that he wants to have sex with me. I do not think you want him to have sex with you.

**Hercules:** …This is true, I do not. But still, I resent that I had to beg and that Dad had to shoot a lightning bolt at your face to get you to train me, and she doesn’t even say anything and you’re already offering.

**Phil:** That’s ‘cause she’s just got that little something extra, if you know what I’m saying.

**Aqua:** I can hear you. Nice pan up my body to emphasize his point, camera. And I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible.

**Hercules:** …I still don’t get it.

**Aqua:** I have tits, you do not.

**Hercules:** …Now I get it.

**Aqua:** …My eyes are up here.

**Hercules:** S-Sorry, sorry…

**Aqua:** No you’re not.

**Hercules:** No I’m not. Though I don’t think I have as big a problem as Phil does.

**Phil:** What’re you talking about, I don’t have a problem!

**Aqua:** Okay, here’s the test: Draw a butt, and if you get an erection, you may have a problem.

**Phil:** *does the thing* …I may have a problem.

**Aqua:** And fuck it, I could use some leveling, sign me up for whatever this is. Name’s Aqua if you need to put a name.

**Phil:** Okay, so first we’re gonna emphasize some yoga poses. I’m thinking we start with Downward Facing Dog—

**Aqua:** I’M GOOD.

**Phil:** Pfft. Women. It never changes.

**Aqua:** …I think it’s you who needs to change. Don’t use pet names until you’re with someone for a while, or they’ll know you’re not really serious. And try to treat them like you would any other person. They’d definitely be more interested then, though, I hate to say it, a lot of them might not be into bestiality.

**Phil:** …It’s like she’s trying to speak to me, I know it!

**Aqua:** Ah, fuck it.

**Phil:** Fine, I’ll get you signed up anyway. Meet me inside when you’re ready to move on with the plot.

**Hercules:** …And apparently I just peaced out.

**Aqua:** Fine by me. TIME TO GO COLLECT ICE CREAM INGREDIENTS NOW THAT I KNOW TO DO THAT. *gets a bunch and also straight-up levels up for a bit before moving on with the plot*

**Phil:** Ready to move on with the plot?

**Aqua:** Sure, fine, whatever. *demolishes the competition easily* Huh, by the way Phil was talking about Terra and a crapload of people were hoping that he’d show up for the games, I expected more people to show up in the stands. Like, you know, _any_ people. *fights her way through the tournament* Well that was easy. Now I’m already at the finals…Why am I fighting in this again, I know for a fact that Terra’s done here plot-wise. I believe my next opponent is…Holy fuck Zack’s in this game. HOLY FUCK ZACK’S IN THIS GAME.

**Zack:** Yes I am! And let me tell ya, I can’t wait to fight you in the final! I might even get to face Terra again once I’ve beaten you! Heh, _if_ I beat you, of course, you seem pretty tough, but that just means I’ll have to try harder!

**Aqua:** …There’s a bonus match for the winner, isn’t there.

**Zack:** Yep! Just like Pokémon! Phil, wanna give her the run-down?

**Phil:** Okay, so there are actually two different tournaments, and one of them was already fought kind of. We’re fighting one here and the other one is being fought…somewhere else apparently. Eventually the winner’ll come up here and face the winner of _this_ tournament. Maybe the other winner’ll be Terra, maybe not, I don’t fucking know.

**Aqua:** …So this whole thing was pointless. I love a pointless.

**Hercules:** Pointless is a fun.

**Phil:** No, there was a point! It’s all about getting stronger, isn’t it? Just don’t watch the other matches. Because of reasons.

**Hercules:** He bullshitting again?

**Zack:** Probably.

**Phil:** Look, just do the thing for me, would ya? Herc quit for moral reasons last time so you and Zack gotta give the nonexistent people _something!_

**Aqua:** Fine, sure, whatever.

**Phil:** Awesome. Talk to me inside when you think you’ve leveled up enough. Don’t know why we’re giving you this shot at a break but there you go.

**Hercules:** I WILL ACTUALLY BE A PHYSICAL PRESENCE IN THE CROWD TO WATCH YOU TWO KILL EACH OTHER!

**Phil:** No you won’t, you need to smash more pots.

**Hercules:** …But that’s usually done in the arena—

**Phil:** SHUT UP AND MOVE IT!

**Hercules:** Fine, fine, you two have fun killing each other. *leaves*

**Zack:** Y’all ready for this?

**Aqua:** Think so, yeah.

**Zack:** I’m so pumped, I’m gonna do random squats! *does random squats*

**Aqua:** So you’ve met Terra before, have you? May I ask for a quick summary of that part of the game?

**Zack:** Well, during the last tournament, this guy named Hades tried to manipulate him into turning evil, like apparently everyone else the poor guy ever runs into. He even put the Imperius Curse on me to try and force Terra to do more bad shit. But it was cool, Terra gave me some cognitive recalibration.

**Aqua:** …

**Zack:** He hit me really hard on the head. And he didn’t use any darkness either. Well, he’s got this move called Dark Haze but I’m sure it’s fine.

**Aqua:** Cool. Good to know he’s still resisting shit.

**Zack:** But enough of that, let’s kill each other!

**Aqua:** I’ll be right there, I just gotta mope about Terra some more…and done, let’s fight! *follows him into the ring*

**Zack:** I promised Terra I’d fight him when I wasn’t under the Imperius Curse someday.

**Aqua:** For some reason I find myself envious of hetero life partner type relationships between males. Don’t know why, I’m friends with a bunch of dudes myself and it rarely gets weird. Anyway, he’s never coming back so just give it up.

**Zack:** NEVAH!

**Aqua:** Too bad, I just beat you.

**Zack:** …Shit. Still got a ways to go before I hit First Class…Oh well!

**Aqua:** What are you even talking about — What the shit is up with that fire over there and why was there a person inside it.

**Zack:** Oh, that’s just Hades, that’s how he Apparates.

**Aqua:** Oh, okay then.

**Hades:** And I’m absurdly sexist!

**Aqua:** I know, I'm on Twitter.

**Hades:** ...I meant the character.

**Aqua:** Fucking method actors...

**Hades:** Man, what went wrong with this orgy? I literally cannot believe that a girl managed to win at anything physically demanding ever! I like the hair, though.

**Aqua:** Which is why you just visibly glanced down at my tits.

**Hades:** No! No, no no…Yes.

**Aqua:** Of course you did. I don’t think I like this world that much.

**Hades:** Hey, the important thing is that your butt is in good shape.

**Aqua:** Fuck your skull.

**Zack:** Why are you even back here, Hades?

**Hades:** I’m sorry, I only talk to _important_ characters.

**Zack:** Dude, I’m practically more important than Cloud and you know it!

**Aqua:** …Wait, are you the guy who put the Imperius Curse on Zack and tried to turn Terra to the dark side or something?

**Hades:** Maaaayyyyyyybeeeeeee? You telling me you know the guy or something? Man, what a chicken wuss, am I right?

**Aqua:** …The shit kind of insult is that. Who even cares, Terra didn’t even bother to listen to you anyway.

**Hades:** And yet he was the one who wanted help in the first place.

**Aqua:** I am disbelief.

**Hades:** And he was so close to giving in when he pussied out. *momentarily turns his flames red instead of blue*

**Aqua:** …Did you just burn _colder?_

**Hades:** Shaddup, your friend’s a huge pussy. _You,_ on the other hand, look like you got some nice balls on ya. Wanna…try ‘em out?

**Aqua:** Your genetalia-inspired insults don’t really phase me.

**Hades:** *actual dialogue* Well that was rude.

**Aqua:** You do not get to get angry right now, you piece of shit. I will eat your larynx.

**Hades:** What the fuck is your problem?!

**Aqua:** You just insulted me and my friend!

**Hades:** Yeah but I’m a god, I can do that. I can also kill you now, being the winner of the other bracket and all. Toodles! *Disapparates*

**Zack:** I hate that guy. _I_ wanted to murder him. Aqua, promise me you’ll kick his ass for me? *puts his hands on her shoulders* Don’t fuck up and die. I will be really mad if you fuck up and die.

**Aqua:** No prob, I’ll just equip every single ice attack I’ve got that isn’t a healing spell and I’ll wipe his ass no problem. AFTER I SAVE AT THE VESTIBULE ONE MORE TIME APPARENTLY! THIS VESTIBULE FILLS ME WITH DETERMINATION! *saves and goes back inside*

**Zack:** *sitting in the stands and staring at the suddenly darkened surroundings* Why are we now in the Shadow Realm?

**Aqua:** Iunno, but I kind of think it’s pretty why did the ground just shake.

**Ice Titan:** *imitates the Colossal by climbing up over the wall but it’s only like a fourteen-meter class so I don’t know why it even bothered trying*

**Hades:** *poofs in* So apparently I can tag in people.

**Zack:** Cool, so I can join in the fight too!

**Aqua:** Can you, though?

**Hades:** Yeah, he totally could. If you want him to.

**Zack:** I want to!

**Aqua:** *stops Zack with Destiny’s Embrace* Zack, ever since I stepped foot on this shitty rock I’ve been hit on, underestimated, and sexually objectified because of my biological sex. I’ve got something to prove here. I know you do too, but it’s important to me that I don’t beg for male help, okay?

**Zack:** …Okay, sounds fair.

**Aqua:** Probably shouldn’t have equipped all that ice magic, though — Oh, it can still hurt the Ice Titan? Neato! *beats both Hades and the Ice Titan at the same time BECAUSE SHE’S JUST THAT MUCH OF A MOTHERFUCKING BADASS*

**Ice Titan:** *falls and shatters*

**Hades:** …So I just realized that that thing should still be trapped in that hole thing or whatever and I shouldn’t even be able to access him for another few years.

**Phelous:** Great continuity!

**Hades:** …Yeah, I’m just gonna leave out of embarrassment now. *leaves out of embarrassment now*

**Zack:** And now we’re outside. Now the pressure is released. Now I can go on living.

**Aqua:** That’s what happens when you take that horrible shit that makes you think that you’re gonna die.

**Zack:** I hate that shit.

**Aqua:** It’s that horrible moment where you’re like, you’re in a situation and you have to leave the situation and go far away—

**Zack:** So no one will know.

**Aqua:** —because you have no idea what is going to happen once you sit down. It’s like, is this gonna be a false alarm or…

**Zack:** Am I gonna shit myself.

**Aqua:** Am I gonna shit myself on that toilet. The most EMBARRASSING of pants-shitting episodes!

**Zack:** I thought you were gonna say the most embarrassing place to shit, and I’m like it’s really not, it’s like the most appropriate.

**Aqua:** No, no, shitting in your pants on the toilet is by far the most embarrassing—

**Zack:** AH HAH! ‘CAUSE HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!

**Aqua:** It meant that you were five seconds too slow.

**Zack:** Yeah. Stupid Hades…I wish I could’ve fought that insanely huge plothole he just pointed out. My fire materia would’ve had no problems against that guy! OH SHIT, YOU WON! That means we gotta celebrate somehow!

**Aqua:** Yeah, by me getting off this rock.

**Zack:** Okay, I know you hate getting hit on, but my idea of a date is really more us just hanging out and doing fun stuff in order to _celebrate how fucking badass you are as a person._ And if you don’t enjoy yourself, no hard feelings! I’m a pretty optimistic guy, I’ll bounce back!

**Aqua:** …What would Aerith say, though.

**Zack:** I don’t know, I haven’t met her yet I don’t think maybe I only watched a Crisis Core walkthrough like once and don’t remember shit.

**Aqua:** …Yeah, I gotta leave, like, right now.

**Zack:** Okay, how ‘bout you come back around the time I make SOLDIER First Class, and _then_ we see what happens?

**Aqua:** You’ll be with Aerith by then so no.

**Zack:** *apparently couldn’t hear her over his squatting* I know this _great_ place in Wutai, you’ll love it! Later! *runs off*

**Hercules:** *runs in* I totally missed everything, didn’t I. Also why is your face red?

**Aqua:** …Zack was really cute, okay?! But he’s supposed to be with Aerith and I can never really stay in one place for too long anyway and…Gah, it’s just complicated, all right?

**Hercules:** Okay, okay, I won’t bring it up anymore.

**Aqua:** Awesome. So let’s talk about you. I get that physical strength is important in a world where you literally have to fight giant monsters routinely, but being a hero takes something more than that, you know?

**Hercules:** Yeah, I’m starting to get that. You, Terra, Zack, and even Ventus who we also ran into and aren’t telling you about…All of you have something just a little bit extra that I desperately need.

**Aqua:** I AM BLATANTLY TELLING YOU THAT A TRUE HERO ISN’T MEASURED BY THE SIZE OF HIS STRENGTH BUT BY THE STRENGTH OF HIS HEART. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS UNTIL NEARLY THE END OF YOUR MOVIE.

**Hercules:** ABSOLUTELY.

**Aqua:** And now to worry about Terra some more before I’m automatically ejected from this planet.

**Mark of a Hero:** Yeah who cares YOU GOT A D-LINK WITH ZACK SO LET’S JUST PRETEND THAT COUNTS AS A DATE, OKAY? OKAY!

~…So I’m a fangirl, so sue me.~


	17. Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Happy Spoopy! Next Month, The Real Horror Begins...I'll Be Starting My Obligatory** _**Harry Potter And The Cursed Child**_ **Parody For NaNoWriMo. Why Do I Do This To Myself:** _Arrow, Farscape,_ A Very Potter Musical, TFS Gaming, _The Hunger Games,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Archer, Once Upon A Time, Avatar: The Legend of Korra,_ Kickassia, _One Piece, Monty Python's Life of Brian,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~No, you don't understand, I don't think that giant Stitch plushie would've fit through the doors of our house, it was so big. Couldn't do it.~

**Aqua:** *heads to Deep Space* Wow, just straight onto the Prison Transport, huh.

**Unversed:** *are kind of just chilling in that room*

**Aqua:** Damn it, was hoping for at least _one_ world without these shitlords… *kills a shitton of the respawning fuckers and picks up Experiment 626’s homemade Wayfinder* …Wait, am I here _before_ Ven for once?! That’s kind of awesome!

**Experiment 626:** *swipes it from her hand*

**Aqua:** *summons Destiny’s Embrace in Defense Mode*

**Experiment 626:** *growls at her in Attack Mode*

**Aqua:** *delivers the very worst voice acting in the entire series with this line; I love you, Speedy, but come on* Tell me. Where did you get that.

**Experiment 626:** *notices Aqua’s Keyblade and calms down, whether because of the flowers or because he recognizes the shape*

**Captain Gantu:** Come out, you piece of dren! *jumps into the ventilation system* You there. Trelk. Have you seen a blue freak of nature in a red jumpsuit pass through here?

**Aqua:** *scoffs* I do _not_ appreciate being called that, sir. I dress how I want because I want and if I want sex I’ll verbally state it, got it?

**Captain Gantu:** Sure, fine, whatever, now have you seen Experiment 626 or not?

**Aqua:** I have no idea what you’re talking about.

**Captain Gantu:** You worthless pudding brain! I’m talking about Dr. Jumba Jookiba’s artificial life form! Number 626! It’s the only one he’s ever made apparently despite it being such a high number! It’s a weapon of mass destruction!

**Aqua:** That adorable little thing’s a weapon?!

**Captain Gantu:** To get people to underestimate him, yes, now where he at?

**Aqua:** Ventilation system.

**Captain Gantu:** Frell! Time to start shooting blindly at the vents, then. *begins to walk away but stops* Wait a minute…Who the hell are you and why don’t I recognize you’re not exactly from my neck of space?

**Aqua:** …Well I _am_ from a different planet, but…

**Captain Gantu:** Oh dren, not another one of you. How many frelling trespassers are we going to have today?

**Aqua:** Depends on how many of the Unversed respawn, really.

**Captain Gantu:** Whatever, follow me.

**Aqua:** *keeps her distance*

**Captain Gantu:** Now don’t try anything funny!

**Aqua:** I’m not, I’m just terrified that you’re gonna squash me or something!

**Captain Gantu:** Fair, I suppose.

**Grand Councilwoman:** WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON _HERE!_

**Captain Gantu:** More intruders, ma’am.

**Grand Councilwoman:** Yeah but what happened to those other two guys you were tracking?

**Captain Gantu:** Dr. Jumba’s staying outside the prison on Tuvo, staring out a window. He’ll never end up actually moving from that spot. The other guy, I have no idea, and Experiment 626 is in the vents and I’m going after him as we speak. The real problem is the other monsters that snuck on board. Also check it, I found another intruder.

**Aqua:** I wasn’t trying to actually intrude, I just have magic teleporting powers that allow me to go anywhere on any planet ever. My name is Aqua and I fight those monsters for a living. Seriously, only I and a select few others can handle this threat and our weapons are, uh, locked onto our genetic coding so only we can use them.

**Grand Councilwoman:** But when Experiment 626 uses its own guns on the Unversed Ventus ends up fighting later he can wound it with no problem.

**Aqua:** No shut up, though.

**Captain Gantu:** It must just be his weapons, mine are useless.

**Grand Councilwoman:** Okay, frell it, you do whatever you have to.

**Captain Gantu:** …You’re just gonna take her word for it? She hasn’t even shown you the weapon she uses. For a political leader, you are very quick to trust.

**Grand Councilwoman:** Whatever, she’s gonna do our jobs for us so we can just kick back. The main priority is still Jumba and 626 for some reason. You’d think we’d put less emphasis on some fat guy who can’t really do much harm at this point and his pet who’s causing less damage than we’d expected, and more emphasis on killing the monsters who are _actually trying to harm us,_ but apparently you’d be wrong. Mind doing the thing for us? 

**Aqua:** I already volunteered as tribute, I don’t know why you didn’t hear me the first time.

**Grand Councilwoman:** Cool. Also try to apprehend our fugitives alive, if possible.

**Aqua:** …Why? Isn’t that his job?

**Captain Gantu:** Yeah, that’s my job! And I’m not gonna show my incompetence until the end of the movie; you still trust me by this point!

**Grand Councilwoman:** Yes but I want you out of the way for the rest of this section so sit down and shut up.

**Captain Gantu:** No! I will kill everyone in this room!

**Aqua:** ...Well I, um—

**Captain Gantu:** Starting with me!

**Aqua:** Oh. Well that's a great plan.

**Captain Gantu:** Starting with _me._

**Aqua:** I love that list.

**Grand Councilwoman:** We’ll let you know where the monsters are—

**Aqua:** They’re in every single area that doesn’t have a glowy circle like the one over there and they constantly reappear whenever you reenter one of the cleared-out rooms regardless?

**Grand Councilwoman:** True, but if you get rid of them once in two specific areas, we’ll be able to move on with the plot.

**Aqua:** Okay, cool. *turns to walk away* So why was Experiment 626 carrying a Wayfinder and why don’t we get to check out the later parts of the movie.

**Grand Councilwoman:** Hordes of monsters have been sighted in the prison block and outside the transport ship. They are impeding the ship’s departure and must be eradicated. Would you help us?

**Aqua:** I just noticed that it’s a good thing you all conveniently speak English…Japanese…whatever, even though you’re from way deeper into space than we will ever go probably. *fights her way through the corridor and puts her armor on so she can go outside into space*

**Glider battles:** *are _waaaaaaaay_ too much fucking fun*

**Aqua:** *sees Experiment 626’s Wayfinder drifting towards her and grabs it* …How the shit did this end up out here. *returns to the save point after much leveling and exploring and gathering items and things*

**Grand Councilwoman:** All that remains is the swarm of monsters in the prison block.

**Aqua:** Neat. *teleports to Tuvo and sees Experiment 626 looking around*

**Experiment 626:** *is ignorant as three Unversed sneak up on him*

**Aqua:** OH HOW BADASS AM I. *takes them all out in one strike* So…I have to take you into custody now.

**Experiment 626:** Terra!

**Aqua:** …Or we could talk more?

**More Unversed:** *appear*

**Aqua:** You motherfuckers. You are ALL the dicks. *kills all that appear with Experiment 626’s help* Hey, thanks, bro.

**Experiment 626:** *is clearly looking for something*

**Aqua:** You lose the Wayfinder?

**Experiment 626:** Terra! *climbs a thing and somehow disappears from the room by doing this*

**Aqua:** ALSO HOW DO YOU KNOW and he’s gone. Shit. NO DON’T AUTOMATICALLY TRANSPORT ME BACK TO THE CONTROL ROOM—Augh, there were items in those cells!

**Grand Councilwoman:** Shut up, Dr. Jumba and Experiment 626 are on the launch deck. Go get ‘em.

**Aqua:** First I want to know who I’m getting. Experiment 626 didn’t seem that bad. He even helped me fight some of the monsters and I think he knows a friend of mine.

**Grand Councilwoman:** We assume he is pure evil. He swore at us one time, you know.

**Aqua:** I instantly believe you and agree to go get him.

**Grand Councilwoman:** Dr. Jumba and Experiment 626 are on the launch deck. I have released the door lock. Please hurry.

**Aqua:** Hang on, gotta do a thing first. *heads back to the prison block and murders a bunch of shit while also gathering more items and stockpiling on ice cream ingredients before heading to the launch deck and having fun with the lack of gravity in the previous room*

**Dr. Jumba:** Okay, I’m out of ideas, let’s just turn ourselves in and get it over with. Maybe they’ll let me fix you so you stop acting so… _weird._

**Experiment 626:** Noogistigiba! Lagagijiba!

**Aqua:** Hey, so, um, I’m here to take you in I guess? And I’ve got Experiment 626’s Wayfinder as bait even.

**Experiment 626:** TERRA! *swipes it again and nuzzles it*

**Aqua:** Despite knowing that you know Terra, who has a Wayfinder, and you making something that looks like a Wayfinder, I have to ask how you know about Wayfinders.

**Dr. Jumba:** Yeah, Terra showed 626 his Wayfinder one time. Well, 626 tried to steal it, I should say. Terra said that a friend of his gave him that thing and he was very protective of it. Mostly because it was made of fucking glass.

**Aqua:** Aww, he really is grateful for our friendship. And because of that I’m assuming he’s using the power of friendship to prevent him from turning evil. Which I am very much okay with.

**Dr. Jumba:** It sucks, though, because 626 is supposed to destroy everything he lays his hands on, and now I find he’s actually _created_ something! I can’t take this shit! *blinks* Wait, where did he find the parts to make it? He just said he had them, or did he pick them up?

**Aqua:** He was lucky enough to find them.

**Dr. Jumba:** Yeah, guess he went through his stool one day.

**Experiment 626:** Icky pooey.*barely dodges a space bullet blast*

**Aqua:** …Dude, you were ordered to sit this one out! And also not to kill them. You’re not supposed to go this off the deep end until the TV show!

**Captain Gantu:** Chalk it up to poor writing, then! Also murder fun. Imma kill _both_ of ‘em!

**Experiment 626:** LALA PATOOKIE!

**Captain Gantu:** I’M JUST BIG-BONED! *jumps down and starts chasing Experiment 626, who runs away for some reason even though he could totally take him*

**Aqua:** Seriously, what the shit! No one should ever disobey orders like this!

**Captain Gantu:** Then I’ll see you in hell!

**Aqua:** …OHMIGOD YOU’RE MY BOSS FIGHT FOR THIS SECTION I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO KICK YOUR ASS FOR FIFTEEN YEARS LET’S FUCKING DO THIS.

**Experiment 626:** *helps by shooting Gantu and occasionally letting himself be thrown at him for maximum damage*

**Captain Gantu:** Even though all my health is gone, I can still shoot you in the face!

**Grand Councilwoman:** …You do know we have cameras all over this ship, right? I totally saw everything that happened just now.

**Captain Gantu:** JUST LET ME DO MY JOB!

**Grand Councilwoman:** No. *walks right past him* Thank you for disciplining Captain Gantu for me. Oh, and for recapturing Experiment 626 as well, I guess.

**Experiment 626:** *is just kind of standing there*

**Aqua:** …My ovaries are exploding from the force of your adorableness.

**Grand Councilwoman:** Captain Gantu, escort Experiment 626 to a desert asteroid to which he’s been banished so we can actually start the movie already. When you get back, you’re stuck on patrol.

**Captain Gantu:** But you rarely get to kill _anything_ on patrol!

**Grand Councilwoman:** That is rather the idea, yes.

**Captain Gantu:** *grumbling* I may be a huge murderer, but _you_ people are the real monsters!

**Dr. Jumba:** Why are we both coming so quietly right now.

**Experiment 626:** Phrasing.

**Dr. Jumba:** Shut your butt.

**Aqua:** Oh come on! Experiment 626 is clearly learning a lot in such a short amount of time!

**Grand Councilwoman:** So what? He’s still extremely dangerous and volatile!

**Aqua:** Did you not notice him coming quietly all of a sudden?! And what about that Gantu guy, he directly disobeyed orders, why isn’t _he_ being sent to a desert asteroid?! From what I’ve seen he’s _way_ more dangerous and volatile than this cute little guy!

**Grand Councilwoman:** Aqua, you don’t understand. We _have_ lightened up on his sentencing.

**Aqua:** What?

**Grand Councilwoman:** Yes, we were going to just murder him to death.

**Aqua:** …Fine, I wash my hands of this weirdness. *bends down in front of Experiment 626 and puts her hand on his Wayfinder* YOU ARE TOO FUCKING CUTE I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO TAKE YOU HOME WITH ME but I can’t since I have to keep traveling and it turns out that my home planet’s gonna be destroyed soon anyway so that’s a no-go. Anyway, I’d like to count you in on my circle of friends. You already know Terra, and my name is Aqua, and there’ll be another boy visiting shortly named Ventus.

**Experiment 626:** A-koo-wa, fren…Terra…Ven.

**Aqua:** Close enough. I give you three more days to learn this language perfectly, okay? *stands up*

**Experiment 626:** *casually walks back to prison and forms a D-Link with Aqua on his way out*

**Hyperdrive:** Finally, a Keyblade you can change to!

**Aqua:** Oh hurrah!

~I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE WHY DID WE ONLY GET TO GO TO SPACE THAT SUCKS.~

**Aqua:** *is chillin’ out in space* …On the other hand I don’t particularly like _this_ movie so let’s just get this over with. *goes to Neverland*

**Slightly:** *is walking along with Cubby in the Indian Camp and sees a map on the ground* MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!

**Aqua:** What’s this? *picks up map*

**Slightly:** …Why are we not freaking out that there’s a girl here?

**Cubby:** Yeah, we should immediately be asking her to be our mother.

**Peter Pan:** We can’t do that, men! We have to come up with an even _more_ annoying gimmick for this stage! And that’s us forcing her to go along with whatever we make her do!

**Aqua:** Bitch I will shoot _so_ many fireballs up your asshole, you have no idea how many fucking Mega Flares I got equipped—

**Slightly:** Okay, you’re gonna lead us on a quest for buried treasure!

**Aqua:** …Oh. That’s dramatically better than what I was thinking.

**Cubby:** Here’s hoping she actually has leadership qualities. You know how girls are.

**Aqua:** Hey, did you know that kids don’t require that much oxygen? That’s why they’re hard to smother.

**Tinker Bell:** *gets very put out and silently complains to Pan*

**Peter Pan:** No, we can have lost girls as well, it’s just that they’re generally much too clever to fall out of _their_ carriages! So we doing this or what.

**Aqua:** I still don’t wanna. There’s kind of a universe I have to save from monsters…which I know for a fact will be swarming this entire island so why the shit are you letting these incredibly young children running loose like this, they should be staying inside where it’s safe!

**Peter Pan:** Sorry, but rules are rules! If you don’t comply, we won’t be able to do the thing!

**Slightly and Cubby:** Aww, we’re so disappointed that we’re looking down!

**Camera:** …So why the crap am I focusing upwards?

**Aqua:** Also I thought you came here to get _away_ from rules.

**Peter Pan:** No, I came here to escape my stupid son and to be eternally young again and to exert my authority over those weaker than myself.

**Aqua:** The family tree in _Once_ is so fucking convoluted at this point, I think I just might stop…But I still kind of enjoyed that particular season on the whole so I’ll go along with this shit for now.

**Slightly and Cubby:** You have made two small child persons very happy!

**Aqua:** I’m so glad for you. Just remember, kids: You are not the future. *opens map* As far as I can tell, from this one square foot of land being the only place I’ve been on the entire island and you lot seemingly not doing a damn thing to help me get my bearings, Imma just point to a random spot on the map and say we’re there.

**Peter Pan:** Works for us, we don’t know how to read maps anyway!

**Slightly:** So can we get a move on? We actually kind of want to get this over with as badly as you do.

**Peter Pan:** Hang on, we never did catch your name. I’m Peter Pan and I can actually tell that Tink is jealous somehow. I’m sure I’ll unlearn that over the next decade or so.

**Slightly and Cubby:** You’ll have to go to your psychic journal thing that you never actually write in to find out our names!

**Aqua:** Aqua.

**Peter Pan:** I think both Terra and Ven mentioned you at points!

**Aqua:** Sorry?

**Peter Pan:** Meet ya at Mermaid Lagoon! *flies off with Tinker Bell*

**Aqua:** …Why do I not show any surprise at his ability to do that.

**Neverland title card:** And seriously, what’re the kids still doing out here.

**Aqua:** …Holy shit the prize pods are in the Indian Camp. Now seeing as how I’ve been visiting the Mirage Arena now and again off-page… *gets all the ingredients she needs, finds the nearest save point, and leaves for Disney Town to get the Sweetstack Keyblade* And now I will never have to worry about anything ever again. *goes back to Neverland and dicks around killing shit and collecting items until the next cutscene is triggered*

**Captain Hook:** *is standing casually on a rock outcropping* TIME FOR SOME CHILD MURDER!

**Aqua:** …Why do I keep forgetting that you’re actually a horrible monster? Is it because you’re constantly incompetent all the time?

**Captain Hook:** Shut up, girlie, I’m trying to murder some children!

**Aqua:** People are butthurt when their kids die. Pro-tip.

**Peter Pan:** Can you fail to murder us again later, we’re kind of in the middle of something here.

**Aqua:** You’re taking this in stride.

**Peter Pan:** He does this every day, it’s kind of annoying.

**Captain Hook:** Fine, just gimme back me treasure and we’ll call it even.

**Aqua:** Sure hope he doesn’t mean those chests I’ve been looting since I got here…

**Peter Pan:** Just ignore the smelly old codfish. *starts walking away and the other four follow him*

**Hook:** I’ll cleave you into two bits, boy! *turns around* Smee! Cleave this boy into two bits!

**Smee:** Weren’t we already still doing this with Ventus? *starts continuously firing cannon balls for the rest of the game again*

**Cannon ball:** *explodes behind them*

**Aqua:** THE CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE OUT HERE. WE HAVE TO MOVE _NOW._

**Peter Pan, Tinker Bell, Slightly, and Cubby:** Meh. *disappear until the plot needs them again*

**Aqua:** Sure, fine, whatever. *dicks around some more until she meets up with everyone again* What’s the problem now?

**Cubby:** We’re at the point in the game that only you and technically Terra can go to.

**Peter Pan:** …Do you people keep forgetting that Tink has pixie dust?

**Cubby:** Apparently we’ve never flown that high before.

**Slightly:** Yeah, I’m super scurred, I don’t care if there’s no fall damage, I don’t like it.

**Peter Pan:** Hey, when did you two turn into such huge cowards?

**Slightly:** Being a coward always wins.

**Cubby:** Yep. Everyone loves cowards. They’re hot.

**Aqua:** Seriously, they’re, like, four. Don’t you think you’re being kind of a douchebag?

**Peter Pan:** Hey, hey, hey. Shut the fuck up. Now men, get up there or I’m kicking you back out into the wild again!

**Cubby:** …Why do you always refer to us as men when none of us ever want to become men?

**Peter Pan:** SILENCE! Tink, do the thing!

**Tinker Bell:** *refuses*

**Peter Pan:** WOMAN, DO AS I COMMAND!

**Tinker Bell:** *reluctantly does the thing*

**Aqua:** Great, another planet I dislike automatically…Why did she just create a trail of pixie dust and not just spray it on the kids? And why are there now random floating balls of pixie dust that never lose form somehow that send me rocketing into the air whenever I land on one? Eh, it’s best not to think about it I guess. *jumps up into the mountains or whatever, killing Unversed and collecting items along the way, meeting up with everyone at the place where the first save point was*

**Slightly:** You have—

**Cubby:** —got to be—

**Tinker Bell:** —fucking—

**Aqua:** KIDDING ME! WE’RE RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED?!

**Peter Pan:** Don’t ya understand? The journey’s the thing! The real One Piece was the friends we made along the way!

**Aqua:** *summons Sweetstack* I will shove this down your throat and it will not taste happy. I did _not_ sign up for this fucking bullshit.

**Peter Pan:** Quit spewing blood out of your wherever and help us dig.

**Aqua:** I’m not, all the stress from the events of game is making me a few weeks late, it’s kind of annoying actually.

**Peter Pan:** Wait, that’s actually a _thing?!_

**Aqua:** Yeah, you can be late if you’re stressed, it’s not uncommon at all, it doesn’t always mean you’re pregnant although you will worry that you are anyway. That whole Mary thing kind of freaks us out sometimes.

**Peter Pan:** No, I mean bleeding in general, I thought Tink was just fucking with me!

**Aqua:** No, it’s a very real, very unpleasant thing that all biologically born females go through. It’s not fun.

**Captain Hook:** Gross. Anyway we stole our treasure back so all of you can bugger off!

**Peter Pan:** How shall we bugger off, O Lord?

**Captain Hook:** Smee, make sure all the contents are still there.

**Smee:** Aye, aye, cap’n! *opens chest* …The contents are not all still there. In fact they’ve been removed wholesale and replaced with a bunch of junk.

**Captain Hook:** …Well shit.

**Peter Pan:** Hey, those sticks and rocks have sentimental value!

**Captain Hook:** And the shit with _real_ value?!

**Cubby:** Fell to the bottom of the ocean during transit. Have a fun swim!

**Captain Hook:** …You’re more incompetent than me own crew, you know that?

**Ticking noise:** *begins, moving Hook’s moustache at the same time somehow*

**Captain Hook:** Hmm? What’s that? That sound…HOW CAN IT CONTROL ME MOUSTACHE LIKE THAT?!

**Smee:** I think it’s just a visual gag, sir.

**Captain Hook:** Well I don’t like it! *sees the Crocodile over in the distance* OKAY I VOTE WE SHOULD LEAVE NOW.

**Smee:** Right behind you!

**Peter Pan, Slightly, and Cubby:** Our static laughing faces are horrifying.

**Aqua:** Mine’s not great, either, frankly. *waits while the other four bring the chest down to an area they can actually walk on* Wait, what’s Terra’s old practice Keyblade doing here?

**Peter Pan:** Ven left it here. Said he was tired of keeping it up his ass. And then he said he’d bring back even more shit he kept in his ass, which should be enough to fill a thousand million bazillion treasure chests even bigger than this one!

**Ventus:** Whoa whoa whoa, I never said that!

**Aqua:** Yeah, I somehow doubt that. Also you’re telling me Ven was _here?!_ Fuck, I told him to go home! *jerks her head up*

**Cubby:** What is it?

**Aqua:** I feel a disturbance in the Force. You guys stay here, I have to go fight a boss fight.

**Peter Pan:** Okay, at least take this Doubleflight Ability so you can double jump.

**Aqua:** …TIME TO HOLD OFF ON THAT BOSS FIGHT. *leaves the planet and gathers every single item and sticker she couldn’t reach before and also leveling up until she gets to like forty-five or something before actually going back to Neverland*

**Peter Pan:** Tink always gets jealous when I talk to other girls. Hmm…I wonder what that’s about.

**Aqua:** Merlin’s pants your stupid. I’m not dealing with this, have Goofy explain it in ten years.

**Slightly:** Pan’s a great leader. He makes all of us play games and go on adventures, with a KNIFE!

**Aqua:** That’s nice for you.

**Cubby:** Next time there’s an expetition, you should come with us again.

**Aqua:** I’ll be sure not to. *enters the Indian Camp*

**Vanitas:** So how’d the field trip go?

**Aqua:** It was absurdly annoying, actually…Where did you get that wooden Keyblade, I thought I left it with…the kids.

**Vanitas:** Don’t worry, they’re shockingly all fine, I just slipped this out using a Dark Corridor. And honestly, he’s like fifteen if not older, he shouldn’t be playing with toys like this anymore…

**Aqua:** Which is why he put it away, he realized that too, please don’t break it—

**Vanitas:** *breaks it* Ha ha, I broked it!

**Aqua:** Aww, you did that thing I told you not to do!

**Vanitas:** *throws the pieces aside* So I don’t really need you as a back-up anymore, either. *summons Void Gear* Time to die!

**Aqua:** *actual dialogue* You freak!

**Vanitas:** …Dude, I’m not the one with blue hair.

**Aqua:** FUCK YOU! *summons Sweetstack* I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH THE POWER OF ICE CREAM!

**Vanitas:** …You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

**Aqua:** And yet I’ve defeated you again. With ice cream.

**Vanitas:** Fuck that. Fuck that to death. Fuck that to fucking death. *collapses*

**Void Gear:** *falls to the ground beside him*

**Aqua:** …Wait, why’d I also collapse, I hit Curaga like right before I took him out, I was almost at completely full health with no status effects, what the shit.

**Vanitas:** Gameplay and story segregation.

**Aqua:** Shut up, you’re dead right now. *tries to get up and collapses again* I don’t know why I don’t at least check for a pulse before being relieved for Ven and Terra’s sakes. *stares out at the pretty water* Okay that is legit gorgeous. *falls asleep and starts having a flashback*

**Flashback Ventus:** Don’t you _dare_ encourage the slash fans this early!

**Flashback Terra:** Please, they’d already gotten started as soon as our names and designs were released.

**Flashback Ventus:** Doesn’t mean we should keep encouraging them!

**Flashback Terra:** They’ll do whatever they want and we’re absolutely powerless to stop them.

**Flashback Ventus:** Well fuck me then.

**Flashback Terra:** Not now, I have a headache.

**Flashback Aqua:** Gigglesnort.

**Flashback Terra:** Stop getting turned on!

**Flashback Aqua:** Oh like you haven’t imagined me with Xion or Kairi or something!

**Flashback Terra:** …Point.

**Flashback Ventus:** …Do I want to know?

**Flashback Aqua and Terra:** No. No you really don’t.

**Flashback Ventus, Aqua, and Terra:** LET US NOW LAUGH AWKWARDLY.

**Flashback starry sky:** …Hi. I exist.

**Peter Pan:** I’m interrupting all of the sleepy flashbacks today! So did you lose the boss fight, or…?

**Aqua:** Of course not, the dead body’s right over there.

**Peter Pan:** You mean Ven’s broken thing — OH NO VEN’S THING IS BROKEN.

**Aqua:** Who even cares, our friendship’s more important anyway because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL. Which Ventus knew anyway which is why he left this behind in the first place. That and he didn’t want anymore splinters in his butthole, or he’d lose the most important part of your butthole. Its ability to pucker accurately. You know it. *picks up one of the broken pieces*

**Peter Pan:** You two must be really close if you’re willing to handle something potentially covered in your friend’s shit. And it was Terra’s originally, right? Did he give the okay for Ven to shove it up his ass?

**Aqua:** Oh we all had that tradition with our practice weapons; it helped us appreciate stress relief.

**Peter Pan:** …And yet for some reason I want to see you three again sometime. Weird.

**Aqua:** Can you wait eleven years or longer?

**Peter Pan:** Iunno, have a D-Link.

**Aqua:** Okay, I guess.

**Pixie Petal:** And I’m a surprisingly strong Keyblade!

**Aqua:** Not as strong as my ice cream, you’re not!

**Pixie Petal:** Ah, ‘s true.

~THERE IS NO DEAD BODY WHY IS AQUA SO CONVINCED SHE BEAT THE VIDEO GAME.~


	18. On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I Got Nothing This Week So Here's The Usual List Of Shit I Ripped Direct Quotes From Because I Am Incapable Of Having An Original Thought:** Super Best Friends Play, _Hamilton, Arrow,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _Gurren Lagann,_ Spoony's Phantasmagoria 2 LP, _Firefly, Batman: Fortunate Son, Highlander, How To Train Your Dragon,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, _Bleach,_ and anything ever owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Huh, Neverland spit Aqua out into a cutscene of her flying through space instead of allowing her to actually fly through space, that’s weird…~

**Aqua:** There’s a bright light at the end of a hyperspace tunnel. MUST MOVE TOWARD THE LIGHT. *moves towards the light and finds herself walking along the bridge on Destiny Island* That really bright light led me to a place where the sun has practically set already. That’s…weird… *looks up at one of the palm trees* YAY I FINALLY FOUND THE STAR SHAPED FRUIT. *takes out Wayfinder* I kinda like my blue one better, though. Terra, Ven, I hope you don’t mind me not picking up the real thing.

**Sora:** So is this the next day already, or…?

**Riku:** Terra came here first, then Ven, and now finally we have our last visitor. Also I win the race. I told you, sneakers are way better for running than sandals!

**Sora:** Fine! I’ll have the biggest sneakers in the world, just you wait! Just you wait!

**Riku:** That seems kind of counterproductive, actually — Hold up, told you there’s another stranger here.

**Aqua:** *stares down at them from up on the bridge* …Yep, I want to take them home with me. Especially the brown-haired kid, holy shitballs. *jumps down*

**Sora:** NO, WHAT ABOUT THE FALL DAMAGE?!

**Aqua:** *chuckles* There _is_ no fall damage in this universe, little one.

**Sora:** …Right, I knew that. *scratches the back of his head* Should I tell her I think her hair is cool?

**Riku:** She can probably hear you, dumbass.

**Sora:** Eat a grand majority of the dicks.

**Riku:** Nah. Wouldn't it be funny if it was a small minority, though?

**Aqua:** ...So your parents never warned you about stranger danger, huh?

**Sora and Riku:** NOPE!

**Riku:** You’re the second person who asked me that today!

**Sora:** There’s more than enough room for more than one stalker!

**Aqua:** Damn you remind me of my friend Terra. And you, little one, you have, like, the exact same facial structure and even some of the mannerisms of my little brother Ven.

**Sora:** Gee, wonder why that could be.

**Aqua:** One of you might just be special enough…

**Riku:** …What do you mean, special _enough?_

**Sora:** Yeah, our mommies say we’re special in our own unique ways!

**Riku:** You’re a mean lady!

**Aqua:** No, I was just wondering if I can help set up the main franchise…What’re your names, again?

**Sora:** I’m Sora!

**Aqua:** And you?

**Riku:** Riku.

**Aqua:** Oh, someone already gave you Keyblade wielding powers. Probably Terra. Seems like there's more going on here than I originally anticipated which was nothing. Okay, never mind, then. And I don't really wanna give these incredible powers of death and destruction to a tiny baby child anyway, even though I already did without knowing it. Fuck, I don't think Terra should've done so either, not to someone this young. Damn it, Terra. Don't give grenades to babies. It's not _for_ them. *speaks aloud again* Sora, do you like Riku?

**Sora:** I think I identify as heterosexual, though I see how you could possibly read homoerotic subtext within our relationship—

**Aqua:** No, I did mean platonically.

**Sora:** Oh. Fuckin’ A, he’s my bestest-friendly friend in the whole wide universe!

**Aqua:** Awesome. I’m counting on you to make sure that Riku doesn’t turn evil, okay? He’s supposed to be the main character of the first game in this series. And if he does end up turning evil before he can claim his title, you have to set him on the right path again even if it means taking over that title yourself. That’s your main goal in life right now, got it?

**Sora:** Well yeah, I would’ve done that anyway. But if our world explodes or he turns evil and we get separated, I might not be able to do it so well.

**Aqua:** Fair enough. *ruffles up their hair and watches them walk back to their boat*

**Riku:** …Are we taking this boat back to the main islands by ourselves?

**Sora:** Looks that way.

**Riku:** …We’re like four and five. Our parents are morons.

**Sora:** Indeed, it is quite a conundrum.

**Riku:** You don’t know what most of the words in that sentence mean, do you.

**Sora:** LOOK A BUTTERFLY!

**Riku:** And there he goes. Now time to go home, sit in a chair, and fart.

**Sora:** You know what!? That's the best idea I've heard all day!

**Aqua:** *laughs at their antics before sitting on Riku’s usual palm tree* Yeah, for some reason I don’t think having multiple Keyblades within friendships is a good idea. Possibly because Terra’s initial jealousy was caused by my earning the Mark of Mastery in the first place. And…our lives are awesome, we get to fight monsters, we get to explore all these different planets, we get to save people, I don’t know why I’m suddenly against other people having this power. Must be the isolation. I miss my friends. Maybe if they have a chance to fight together, it’ll be better. *looks down at Wayfinder again* Terra, am I gonna have to kick your ass at the very end of the game? Because that would suck a whole lot.

**Stormfall:** LOOK HOW BADASS I LOOK.

**Aqua:** That _is_ pretty fucking badass—

**Stormfall:** And yet Sweetstack is straight-up your most powerful Keyblade.

**Aqua:** …Fuck. *goes back into space and sees Mickey floating around unconscious within hyperspace* Huh, guess Ven knows what he is now. Shit, though, I gotta help him somehow.

**Mickey:** Please don’t hammer nails into my penis.

**Aqua:** Master Noiti Sopxe it is. *sounds exhausted and resigned to helping her friend instead of relieved that he’s all right. The voice acting is TERRIBLE WHAT THE SHIT THEA*

**Mysterious Tower title card:** Yep, it's that time again.

**Aqua:** …So I have no idea where I just put Mickey on my person but fuck it, TREASURE TIME! *picks some shit up and also kills a tiny amount of weak babby Unversed before heading inside to where the plot is*

**Mickey:** *is now unconscious on the floor by the window*

**Goofy:** Oh sure, just chuck his comatose body anywhere, why don’t ya.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Aqua, the stars bring me grave news, because planets can do that apparently. Once again, Donald and Goofy are making a cameo in this otherwise excellent game. I am truly sorry for what once remained of your sanity.

**Aqua:** Don’t worry, there wasn’t much there to begin with.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Oh and Ecivresnaf’s dead and the Land of Departure’s all fucked up.

**Aqua:** …This comes as a legitimate shock.

**Goofy:** Don't be sad. He died a warrior's death.

**Donald:** By being stabbed in the back while he was sitting down?

**Goofy:** That's a warrior's death.

**Aqua:** Both of you fuck off while I ask who done it.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Well it was mostly Master Xehanort, but Terra kind of unintentionally helped.

**Aqua:** THAT’S NOT TRUE! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!

**Noiti Sopxe:** Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

**Donald and Goofy:** The realization of the unbelievability of this scenario washes over you like a golden shower.

**Aqua:** Terra can’t have killed the Master! That’s absurd!

**Noiti Sopxe:** _You’re_ absurd!

**Aqua:** What?! Say that again to my face!

**Noiti Sopxe:** You’re _absurd!_

**Aqua:** THAT'S ABSURD!

**Noiti Sopxe:** Look, if the planets feel the need to telepathically communicate with me some more, I’ll let you know, but for now I don’t have any details.

**Aqua:** Just tell me where the finale of the game’s gonna be.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Everyone’s gonna meet up at the Keyblade Graveyard and there will be so many sick final boss battles. And then once everyone beats their shit once, you’ll complete a bonus stage and earn the true ending, and at that point you’ll have actually beaten the game for really realzies.

**Aqua:** …I’m gonna have to level up a shitload for that, aren’t I.

**Noiti Sopxe:** I honestly think you should get into the seventies if not straight up maxing out your level.

**Aqua:** Damn, and I’m only fifty-one right now.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Bright side is that you’ll probably be able to clear out the Mirage Arena before either of your friends do, and you have EXP Walker so you can just run around in circles for hours by just sticking an elastic on the control sticks.

**Aqua:** I tried that, and I don’t know if it’s true for all controllers but whenever I do that the walking part stops after about a minute or so and only the camera spins around, so if I want to just leave it and do something else it’s pointless because I have to keep nudging the control stick to get me moving again.

**Noiti Sopxe:** …Never stop D-Linking with Mickey and take advantage of his Double EXP?

**Aqua:** Now that I can do. *turns to leave*

**Noiti Sopxe:** Don’t fuck it up.

**Aqua:** Yeah, yeah. *armors up and goes back into space, leaving the Mysterious Tower in the dust* Terra, Ven…ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ENGAGE IN ONE OF THE SICKEST MOMENTS OF KINGDOM HEARTS HISTORY?! *is clutching the Wayfinder* Here’s hoping we all don’t die multiple times in our quests to…not do so well overall considering this is a prequel and only one of us is really around anymore, hmm…

**Donald:** We didn’t share a single line of dialogue with you but apparently you made enough of an impression to forge a D-Link with.

**Goofy:** Ain’t that wacky! A-hyuk!

**Aqua:** Oy vey. OH SHIT THERE WAS A STICKER IN THERE. *goes back and grabs the sticker* Now it’s only a couple more in the Keyblade Graveyard and I’m set.

**Noiti Sopxe:** To this day, many legends are told of the Keyblade Graveyard, but what in these legends is true? Maybe we’ll finally find out when UX updates its story enough apart from it being just a meeting ground at the time this chapter was posted. Tread carefully, Aqua.

**Aqua:** Uh-huh. *goes to get the pre-final-boss-fight cutscenes over with and heads toward the Keyblade Graveyard, landing where the mountains exploded however long ago* Okay seriously, if we all landed in the same fucking place at around the same fucking time, how come none of us run into each other and why are we all coming from different directions, this makes the least amount of sense out of everything so far and that’s saying something. *summons Sweetstack and sighs* I feel like this would be way more impactful if I wasn’t carrying around a weapon made out of fucking ice cream. *looks up* I’m gonna use the _shit_ out of the power of friendship in this fight, ‘CAUSE THIS IS THE WAY TEAM GURREN ROLES! _**JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!**_ *goes through the level collecting the last of the items and stickers in the game, getting sucked in by twisters and killing everything in her path*

**Moogle:** Oh, it’s you! You’re gonna wanna level up a _lot_ when you go through here, kupo, you’re playing on Critical and you’ll only be able to fight the bonus round at the level you beat it with, kupo. Never mind the fact that you can still do whatever before entering the final area, just do everything in a panic now, kupo.

**Aqua:** I know, I know. *decides to visit the Land of Departure for kicks* …Well this is a fucking ruinous heap now. I feel like I’d be sadder about it if I was ACTUALLY ABLE TO FUCKING EXPLORE IT AT WILL BEFOREHAND. *fucks off and gets up to level seventy-five, playing and beating Terra’s entire section of the game whenever she gets bored, fights like a maniac during every single fucking Arena mission that’s available and almost but not quite finishing the journal because fuck Fruitball and the Unversed missions* YEAH ULTIMA KEYBLADE YOU DOPE-ASS FUCKING SWORD I LOVE YOU I’M GONNA KICK SO MUCH FUCKING ASS WITH THIS THING THANK YOU VILLAIN’S VENDETTA I APPRECIATE YOU AS A BOSS ARENA…Okay, I’m back, let’s do this.

**Moogle:** Good fucking luck and pray seventy-five’s enough.

**Aqua:** Boy do I. *saves one final time*

~Hey this seems awfully familiar, you guys ever get the sensation of déjà vu? Ah well, probably nothing.~

**Keyblade Graveyard:** *is dusty and windy as shit*

**Rusty-ass Keyblade:** Just chillin’ in my graveyard.

**Terra:** I AM STANDING.

**Keyblade Graveyard:** *is _still_ dusty and windy as shit*

**Terra:** THIS IS THE BACK OF MY HEAD. *looks to the side* …Come to think of it, aren’t I supposed to be wearing armor or something?

**Aqua:** *is walking towards him* I thought I was supposed to be wearing armor too, what happened?

**Terra:** Maybe it was just to look cool for the trailer without actually giving away anyone’s identities?

**Aqua:** And yet our helmets came off eventually anyway.

**Terra:** Yeah, weird. We looked totally badass, though.

**Aqua:** This is true. *finally gets level with him* So I heard Master Ecivresnaf done bit it.

**Terra:** Okay, about that — he was straight-up trying to kill Ven. Our own little brother. So I fought him and he conceded that that was an incredibly stupid-ass decision and it looked like we were back on track. He saw that what he was doing was stupid and I probably could’ve used Curaga or a Hi-Potion on him or something if we had more time. Except Master Xehanort chose that moment to stab him in the back while he was weakened and he became one with the Lifestream.

**Aqua:** We have that?

**Terra:** Or pyreflies or something, I don’t know. And I get that Xehanort struck the killing blow but I still weakened him in the first place, still fell right into Xehanort’s trap. I’m willing to bet he told Ven…something so that he would go to the Master and so the Master would try to kill him and I’d have to defend him.

**Aqua:** Curse his sudden but inevitable betrayal.

**Terra:** I KNOW, RIGHT?! Oh and also our planet exploded.

**Aqua:** I know, I’ve been to the wreckage, it’s not great.

**Terra:** Yeah. But now that I know Xehanort’s a villain and a great personal trauma has changed my outlook on life, I’m going to start making changes to my lifestyle in order to become someone you and Ven can be proud to call friend again.

**Aqua:** *doesn’t speak for a long time* What is darkness but hate and rage?

**Batman:** Darkness is nothing but death…and crime…and the _rage_ of a _beast._

**Aqua:** Starting off like that, it sounds as if I’m actually gonna comfort you by saying that you did it out of love and the desire to protect what is basically our little brother. In reality, I have absolutely no faith in my best friend, thinking that you’ll never learn from your mistakes even though it involved you killing our Master which really would’ve woken you up. Tell me, how does the vague possibility of failing in the future honor our Master’s memory, Terra?

**Terra:** …Wow you’re a bitch.

**Aqua:** Which is why this is easier to lampoon than Days.

**Terra:** Infinitely so. Hold up, Ven’s here.

**Ventus:** I came through here the exact same way that Aqua did, why the balls are we coming from two different directions.

**Aqua:** …Rule of Cool?

**Ventus:** I guess…Figured we’d be wearing armor, though.

**Terra:** Us too, frankly.

**Ventus:** *gets level with them* Xehanort wants me to find Vanitas and make some kind of χ-blade.

**Aqua:** You two are gonna _make_ a Keyblade just by fighting?

**Ventus:** No, χ-blade, it’s pronounced exactly the same so you have to pay attention to the subtitles.

**Aqua:** Wait…if you two fight, you’ll transform into a weapon?

**Ventus:** Essentially, yeah.

**Aqua:** …What?

**Terra:** Huh?

**Aqua:** Who? Where? When? How?

**Terra:** If?

**Ventus:** *laughs* Just fucking throwing out prepositions!

**Aqua:** But no, seriously, what?

**Terra:** Ventus used to have the same amount of darkness in his heart as any normal person, _which is everyone, by the way,_ but Xehanort extracted it and created Vanitas with it which turned Ven into the zambambo he was when we first met him.

**Ventus:** How’d _you_ know?

**Terra:** Xehanort told me while I was still buying his remorseful act. Didn’t think you two could actually make a weapon if you tried hard enough, though. Didn’t know humans could do that.

**Ventus:** Well anyway, that’s why Master Ecivresnaf wanted to kill me. So the χ-blade could never be forged.

**Aqua:** I still have so many fucking questions.

**Ventus:** So do I. And I’m terrified of the answers. Especially considering Xehanort basically wants to destroy the universe just to see if anything comes of it. I don’t want to be the cause of that!

**Terra:** …We need to put our differences aside right now for the sake of the kid.

**Aqua:** I couldn’t agree more.

**Terra:** *puts his hand on Ven’s shoulder* Relax, little bro. We’re gonna get through this together, like we did a grand total of once this entire game.

**Aqua:** Oh come on, it was more than…Shit, it was just the Trinity Armor, you’re right, fuck.

**Ventus:** But if Vanitas finds me again, or if he threatens either of you, I might have to fight him after all. If that happens—

**Terra:** We’ll protect you no matter what, of course! Nothing can tear us apart except for the very events that are about to transpire, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL! *tightens his grip on Ven’s shoulder*

**Aqua:** And I’ll help too! *leans down and puts a hand on Ven’s cheek*

**Ventus:** … *removes both Aqua and Terra’s hands* The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. If I have to be killed so the universe can live, I need you two to do it.

**Terra and Aqua:** …I don’t like this game anymore.

**Ventus:** Aaaaand Master Xehanort just showed up. This is gonna be great.

**Master Xehanort:** *is walking towards them, with Vanitas appearing from right behind him, Void Gear already drawn, and both stop a good distance away* So yeah, all these Keys used to have an owner, apparently. Which really makes the whole There Can Be Only One thing from the first game total bullshit. And this is apparently where the whole Keyblade war that still has yet to be explained took place.

**Terra:** …Is he talking to us?

**Ventus:** I don’t know, I can’t hear a word he’s saying.

**Aqua:** Maybe he’s expositing a bunch of crap for Vanitas?

**Master Xehanort:** *rolls his eyes and speaks up* And according to what little evidence I’ve decided to interpret to suit my needs, everything was done to form the ultimate Key.

**Terra, Ventus, and Aqua:** Ultima?

**Master Xehanort:** …No, the χ-blade. *points dramatically at Ventus*

**Terra, Ventus, and Aqua:** …Fuck it. *all activate their armors at once as we prepare for the most cinematic moment thus far in Kingdom Hearts history*

**Ventus:** *tries to step forward*

**Terra:** *holds him back and runs forward instead, jumping up and slashing down at Xehanort*

**Master Xehanort:** Apparently being a Keyblade Master means I can Earthbend. Yeah, that makes sense. *raises his hand and simultaneously raises a wall of earth that Terra skims across before summoning a much larger cliff-face that he and Vanitas are standing atop*

**Terra:** *grunts and gets back up*

**Master Xehanort:** Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh… *raises his hand dramatically*

**Aqua:** Okay when did it get so dark all of a sudden, can he control the weather as well as the landscape? And the…Keyblades…that are suddenly forming into a giant serpent-like pattern and heading right for us? Ven, move!

**Vanitas:** *jumps on top of the Keyblade formation and rides it like a skateboard* Oh yeah, this is well possible.

**Ventus:** …What?

**Vanitas:** It’s-It’s well possible.

**Ventus:** Is that a—

**Vanitas:** Yeah, you can say that.

**Ventus:** Is that a phrase, are you serious?

**Vanitas:** Yeah, absolutely.

**Ventus:** I don’t know if I believe you.

**Vanitas:** Well, you don’t have to—

**Ventus:** And if I do believe you, I don’t know how much I do.

**Vanitas:** As long as it’s like a thirty percent trust rate, we can work with that.

**Ventus:** Thirty percent, that’s low.

**Vanitas:** I’ll work with low. Pays the bills. *crashes right into Ventus, knocking him over with the barrage of Keyblades before flying up and knocking Terra off of the cliff he was on*

**Aqua:** Am I the only one he’s not attacking — SHIT! *gets attacked from a bunch of Keyblades rising up from below* Oh I’m hurt! I am very much hurt!

**Ventus:** *runs up to her* Aqua! Your helmet fell off!

**Aqua:** So it did. Hang on a sec. TERRA! *casts Reflect on Terra so the Keyblades stop slashing the shit out of him. And then it explodes*

**Master Xehanort:** …Did I do that with my Keyblades, or…?

**Aqua:** I hope so, Reflect’s not supposed to explode.

**Terra:** *falls onto the higher cliff in front of Xehanort* Oh, I fell on my keys…

**Master Xehanort:** I understood that reference. *is about to use his own Keyblade on Terra but Ven jumps behind him and tries to slash him in the back of the head, but it was just an afterimage*

**Ventus:** …What the fuck just happened.

**Master Xehanort:** This. *grabs his head from behind him and clutches it tightly*

**Terra:** Ven! You kind of look ridiculous struggling like that!

**Ventus:** Yeah that’s great, mind getting me out of this situation so I won’t have to look ridiculous?!

**Terra:** On it — AUGH! *gets hit by a shitton of Keyblades from below* I’m starting to not like our odds here.

**Vanitas:** I’m still up here too, you know!

**Terra:** *gets slashed at by Keyblades all the way down to the ground* Good thing there’s no fall damage, or I’d be in some real trouble here.

**Aqua:** I can just barely make out what’s happening to Ven from all the way down here.

**Master Xehanort:** This boy I’m holding in my hand is integral to my entire plan of universal destruction. He is the one I must ensure is kept alive at all costs so I can convince him to fight Vanitas and create the weapon I so seek. TIME TO SHOOT A BOLT OF DARKNESS THROUGH HIM, USE GLACIER ON HIM, AND TOSS HIM CASUALLY OFF THIS GIANT CLIFF!

**Vanitas:** …Master, stop being a crazy psycho. Now’s not a good time for you to be a psycho.

**Master Xehanort:** MY PWAN IS GWEAT!

**Vanitas:** No.

**Ventus:** Despite hitting my leg on the way down, my helmet somehow also came off.

**Aqua:** *catches Ven with her body before he shatters* Dayum I must be strong to just so casually flip you around like this so I can hold you in a better position. Also ARE YOU OKAY?!

**Ventus:** I’d answer if I wasn’t basically under the Full Body Bind with a dash of hypothermia.

**Aqua:** So you are. At least your eyeballs are still moving so I know you’re not dead.

**Master Xehanort:** *summons a ball of…mostly light energy, frankly, and shoots it into the sky, causing the clouds to part in order to reveal the heart-shaped moon that is Kingdom Hearts*

**Aqua:** …How the fuck is that there, there are no Heartless with which to collect hearts, is that just meant to be cinematic, what the flying fucking shit fuckers.

**Master Xehanort:** Dude, I have so much time travel bullshit going on, don’t read too much into it.

**Mickey:** *steps into frame thousands of miles away* Must’ve woken up and come back here at some point. Because I’m going to be _such_ a huge help.

~Look! There’s Inductive Reasoning, there’s Déjà Vu, there’s Language Processing, there’s Déjà Vu, there’s Critical Thinking, there’s Déjà Vu…~


	19. Regardless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I'M DONE WITH AQUA ALREADY WHAT IS THIS MAGIC:** _Bleach,_ Super Best Friends Play, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, _How to Train Your Dragon, Superman: At Earth's End,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Last time on Birth By Sleep…Our brave heroes were showing off their sick skills in the most badass manner possible. AND THEN MICKEY MOUSE SHOWED UP!~

**Braig:** Well that was tone-annihilating. So I’m here now, and I’d like to take that popsicle off your hands. Heh, it’s funny ‘cause his clone’s gonna eat popsicles in ten years. And that way you can go murder Terra or whatever.

**Aqua:** …And why the balls would I want to do that?

**Braig:** Heh, Organization XIII music playing, nice touch. But he killed your Master, didn’t he? Aren’t you pissed? *is now wearing an eye patch and has a scar on his cheek*

**Aqua:** …Well you look fucking badass.

**Braig:** Don’t I, though?

**Aqua:** Who are you, though, and why are your eyes yellow and your ears pointy?

**Braig:** Side effect of the darkness. And it’s so adorable that you think you’re actually a main character in this franchise. As if. As soon as the real final chapter’s over with, no one will even know you exist until this game is released.

**Ventus:** They’ll get…hints…during Final Mix Plus.

**Braig:** What, KHII Final Mix Plus? Sure, _now_ they’ll get that since it’s finally released outside of Japan, but with this game already bundled alongside it? Who even cares? Anyway, I need to kill both of you now. Who wants to go first?

**Ventus:** …Dude, your boss actually needs me for a thing.

**Braig:** Oh, so this kiddo actually thinks he’s a main character too, does he? Man, I will _never_ forget that angry face, that’s such a great angry face!

**Aqua:** Yeah, you can try to kill us. I’m level seventy-five, mothafuckah! *puts Ventus down*

**Ventus:** …Hey Aqua…can you cast…Mega Flare…in my general vicinity real quick?

**Aqua:** Nah, I think I’ll just let you thaw out naturally.

**Ventus:** You really…suck today…

**Aqua:** Shut up, I need to kick this guy’s ass for implying that Terra’s a huge murderer, considering he said that Xehanort dealt the final blow and I’m still more inclined to believe Terra over this guy.

**Ventus:** Aqua! Don’t fuck it up!

**Aqua:** Noted! And I’m surprised I don’t actively have to protect you in this fight.

**Braig:** Fuck, I’m surprised I don’t attack him outright as a distraction. I must know that the old guy actually does have plans for the kiddo over there.

**Aqua:** Indeed. How the fuck can you walk on air upside down like that.

**Braig:** I watched way more _Bleach_ than I should have back in the day. *shoots a lot of dark bolts at her*

**Aqua:** Why, though, I felt it never really hit the mark again after its third season. *cartwheels around to dodge most of them*

**Braig:** You know what I'm not going to argue? What you just said. Because you're super right.

**Aqua:** Oh and by the way you’re dead now. Sorry guy. Sorry to have exploded your face.

**Braig:** …Well that’s the end of that. *pants heavily* I hate everything. Why do I even bother fighting Keyblade wielders in the first place, it never goes well. Still, at least you didn’t burn my fucking face off, I don’t care how cool I look, that shit hurts, man!

**Aqua:** Whatever, I’m gonna strike the killing blow now.

**Braig:** What if I told you that everything that just happened was a huge distraction and then ran the fuck away? *runs the fuck away*

**Aqua:** …I’d stop dead in my tracks, not chase after you, and completely let my guard down, that’s what! Oh yeah, Ven, how ya holding up?

**Ventus:** Would still appreciate a Mega Flare shot my way any time now…SHIT, AQUA, LOOK OUT!

**Aqua:** Why, what—

**Vanitas:** *jumps down from the cliff and strikes her down*

**Aqua:** *is instantly rendered unconscious and floats in a manner akin to a game over screen*

**Ventus’s voice:** The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. If I have to be killed so the universe can live, I need you two to do it.

**Aqua:** *gasps herself awake* Gasp! Wait, did I just use a continue, I didn’t mean to do that—

**Mickey:** Actually I checked the trophy list and I don’t think that’s a thing in this game either.

**Aqua:** …Meh, I didn’t die a whole lot anyway. *sits up* SHIT WHERE’S VEN. *stands up and looks around desperately*

**Mickey:** Gosh, I don’t understand how I could’ve missed him when I was checking and possibly Curing you.

**Aqua:** It’s probably ‘cause you’re short, ‘cause he’s right up there. And he’s no longer frozen and is standing, that’s awesome. *runs up to him* Glad you’re still okay, Ven!

**Ventus:** Ellipsis.

**Aqua:** Hey, nice new Keyblade, did you suddenly get a new one too?

**Ventus:** Ellipsis.

**Aqua:** *leans down* Okay, I don’t know where this new attitude of yours came from, but knock it off at once, do you understand me, young man?

**Mickey:** …Hoo boy…

**Ventus:** Hey how ‘bout you go fuck yourself. *looks up at her at last, his eyes yellow*

**Aqua:** …Okay, those eyes do _not_ look good with that hair.

**Ventus:** TAKE THIS, BITCH-FACE! *lunges at her*

**Mickey:** *blocks the χ-blade with Star Seeker and lands in front of Aqua* Yeeeaaahh, he’s kind of being possessed right now.

**Aqua:** Shit, did Master Xehanort’s plan actually work or something?

**Ventus/Vanitas…Vantus…Venitus:** *has darkness swirl around him…them, and makes their clothes turn into purely Vanitas’s outfit, keeping Ven’s face but with the yellow eyes, and speaking with both Haley Joel Osment’s and Jesse McCartney’s voices* Yeah, we’re fighting an inner battle inside me right now but Ventus isn’t doing so hot. Can’t lock on for shit, evidently. I’ll win shortly.

**Aqua:** …Could…Could you not?

**Venitus:** This χ-blade is complete in every way, shape and form and won’t break apart at all ever! And Imma use it to destroy the walls in between all the worlds so that everyone’ll come here, and we’re gonna have a huge party and it’s gonna be so much fun! Oh and then we’ll battle each other to the death over who has the rights to that moon thing up there.

**Aqua:** Seriously, how did that shit even get there. Also why.

**Venitus:** _I. Love. War._ Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. You get up in the morning, you get into your shitty car, and you see a rich CEO who works half as hard as you do drive down the street in their Porsche. Class war. You make it to work and you find out that the annual drug test is today, and you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife’s awful parents. Drug war. But then, you find out that the only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic coworkers. Race war. Then you try and post about it on your Facebook, but then all your friends start arguing about what’s right and what’s wrong. _Flame war._ You finally get home, and you decide to relax by watching a program about who gets the box, what’s in the box, how much is what’s in the box worth. Storage Wars.

**Aqua:** …Gwah?

**Venitus:** What I am telling you is that I am a purveyor of war. You see, I want a simple war. No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars, _AND CERTAINLY NO COLD WARS._ What I want is a war that only we can bring. A true war. A _world_ war, if you will.

**Aqua:** Okay that was a shit pun, it’s time to kill you and simultaneously knock some sense into Ven.

**Venitus:** And if you end up killing both of us?

**Aqua:** …He would’ve wanted it that way. He told me himself.

**Mickey:** I’M HELPING IN THIS FIGHT! BURST OF FATE, LET’S GO!

**Aqua:** Isn’t this exactly the same attack you’ll use to help Riku in later games?

**Mickey:** You bet your ass it is!

**Venitus:** That’s great, but I have one of my former selves’ habit of teleporting and being hard to hit.

**Aqua:** But you don’t have a bullshit second form so I’ve already killed you.

**Venitus:** Depleted my health bar, you mean. Did I mention I’m a airbender? *swings the χ-blade so hard that it creates a giant gust of wind that knocks Aqua and Mickey back and Aqua crashes into a rock*

**Aqua:** OH I’M HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

**Venitus:** *standing triumphantly over her* …Are you holding back ‘cause of my cute face, or do you just suck?

**Aqua:** *clasps her Wayfinder* I need the power of friendship to physically manifest itself right about now.

**Wayfinder:** *glows*

**Aqua:** …Wait, did that actually work? *watches Ultima start to glow* Huh, how ‘bout that. Okay, time to die now! *runs up to Venitas*

**Venitus:** Oh like that ominous glow actually means anything!

**χ-blade and Ultima:** *clash and send out a shockwave of energy*

**Aqua:** If you think I’m about to give in now, you’re out of your fucking mind. *twists her foot to give herself more leverage and gouges a chunk out of the χ-blade*

**Venitus:** …Shit, I think Ventus just won at roughly the same time, this sucks.

**χ-blade:** *flies into the air and begins to explode, sending beams of energy spiraling everywhere and digging into the ground beneath it*

**Mickey:** I’M OKAY! But that’s not. *runs directly toward it*

**Aqua:** *blocking her face with her arms* I just noticed the soundtrack is playing a theme similar but not quite the same as Dearly Beloved, that’s cool. But the fact that Ven is directly under the exploding χ-blade is less cool.

**Venitus:** *sheds the darkness and goes back to Ven’s original armor*

**Aqua:** Ven! Damn it, I physically can’t get any closer!

**Mickey:** I’m coming!

**χ-blade:** Phrasing. *explodes in a giant burst of light, that sends Ven’s body flying*

**Aqua:** *goes running after Ven*

**Mickey:** *is engulfed in light*

**Aqua:** *grabs Ven’s hand at the last second*

**Explosion:** *engulfs a whole bunch of shit and…somehow causes you to collect the last of the Xehanort Reports I’ve been ignoring up till now*

**Aqua:** *wakes up in her normal outfit on the floor of Noiti Sopxe’s office in the Mysterious Tower* …Did I just beat the final boss?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Not really. If we played this right you still have two more fights left, not counting the bonus content. Also you should thank Mickey for saving both you and Ven. He brought you back to me to be dumped on the floor until you regain consciousness, assuming you regained consciousness at all. Yes, I’m quite good at treating the injured properly!

**Aqua:** Question.

**Noiti Sopxe:** We haven’t played Terra’s section yet so who the fuck knows.

**Aqua:** Shit. *sees Ven propped up against the wall* Hey. Ven. Wake your shit.

**Ventus:** I can’t hear you, I’m in a coma.

**Noiti Sopxe:** The boy’s heart basically dissolved into light. The stain glass that contained it was flat-out shattered during his battle.

**Aqua:** That’s great, so when’s he gonna wake up?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Did…Did you not hear me? His heart has literally been broken. Though a physical form of himself was drifting in a clouded space for a short time period so who knows what might happen to what remains of his heart from here on out. If the heart and the body are somehow reunited, the kid may well indeed wake his shit. If not…he’ll stay asleep forever.

**Aqua:** Aging or staying like this?

**Noiti Sopxe:** APPARENTLY STAYING LIKE THAT. Why would this franchise ever be designed to show an adult Roxas? This is a baby game for babies!

**Aqua:** Keep telling yourself that, sport. But that’s okay. I’ll stay with him and protect him with my life until he wakes up, even if it’s for the rest of both of our natural lives. Even if he never wakes…

**Noiti Sopxe:** Oh he doesn’t need you to protect him. You can just leave him like. What he needs now is for you to believe that he’ll wake up someday. That’s all a coma patient needs, really.

**Twin clones of Hitler:** Of COURSE! Don’t you know anything about _SCIENCE?!_

**Noiti Sopxe:** Ventus’s heart is now in a world between light and darkness, so you need to send out happy vibes so he can follow them back to his body in the realm of light.

**Aqua:** …So if I just _believe_ hard enough, then I can just leave his body alone and it won’t get attacked by vultures or any of Xehanort’s minions looking to finish what they started?

**Noiti Sopxe:** But of course, my dear.

**Aqua:** I think it’d be best if you just stopped talking right about now. Also _clearly_ you want me to stay with his body so his heart will have an easier time and he might wake up faster—

**Noiti Sopxe:** That’s dumb and you’re dumb for thinking it. All you need is the power of friendship. Just as long as you love him—

**Aqua:** Platonically, right?

**Noiti Sopxe:** …If that is the way it must be, then I suppose it’ll have to do.

**Aqua:** Good, romantic shit’s overrated.

**Noiti Sopxe:** *sits down in his chair facing _away_ from Aqua, Mickey, and the coma patient* But no, you don’t have to be anywhere near him. Just put him in a safe place and stay in the general vicinity of the realm of light and we’re good.

**Mickey:** Welp, I know neither of us will ever set foot in the realm of darkness, so if both of us believe in Ven, he’ll be back twice as fast!

**Aqua:** Three times as fast, you’re forgetting about his big brother.

**Mickey:** …Aqua…I really don’t think I am…

**Aqua:** You are, though. *takes out her Wayfinder* This Wayfinder will help me find the way. Geddit? Do ya geddit?

**Mickey:** That…that was horrible. As was this ending.

**Aqua:** Well it’s kinda meant to be played last so you can go right into the final and possibly secret episodes, but fuck you, I play how I want.

~I actually wanted to play as her first, because ACTUAL PLAYABLE COMPETENT FEMALE CHARACTER, but I was more interested in Ven’s story.~

**Credits:** FUCK YEAH HIKARI ORCHESTRAL VERSION!

**Phillip:** Hey, remember how I woke up Aurora by kissing her? That’s what’s happening now!

**Duke:** Yo, watch me put this shoe on this bitch.

**Cinderella:** I don’t think we’ve ever had flat-out examples of game events in the credits before.

**Prince Thomas:** I can’t even be bothered, I’m just gonna leave the screen.

**Snow White:** *being carried by her prince* If there was any more proof you needed that this was meant to be played last, here you go.

**Kairi:** Hey dude, frolic in the blood with me, c’mon, let’s go.

**Kairi’s grandmother:** I thought you’d never ask.

**Kairi:** Oh, this reminds me of that one summer…

**Pete:** Why are you guys applauding over in _that_ direction, I’m over here! *stomps foot*

**Minnie and Horace:** …What are we even applauding, this is kind of weird.

**Zack:** *does squats* Wonder if I’m gonna be promoted to First Class any time soon…

**Captain Gantu:** Stand back, ma’am, these ruffians are not to be trusted.

**Grand Councilwoman:** …They’re just a long list of words and names going upwards and set to music, you gargantuan moron.

**Slightly:** I can't draw art with my penis!

Cubby: Not yet.

**Slightly:** Working on it, though.

**Mickey:** I STILL HAVE THE STAR SHARD!

**Noiti Sopxe:** Oh yeah, can I have that back?

**Sora:** LOOK HOW CUTE I AM!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I am actually fucking dead. Unless they find some way to bring me back in KHIII which I would not put it past them.

**Terra:** Help me, I’m exploding.

**Aqua:** Oh, I’m fucked. Proper fucked, in fact.

**Ventus:** I’m tired. I’m a sleepy baby today. Give me a break.

**Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep Title Card:** Now wasn’t that special.

~ONE MORE TIME! YEAH, YOU LOVE IT!~


	20. Of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...So if net neutrality dies, will any of us be able to even go to this site again? Shit...:** The Spoony Experiment, Super Best Friends Play, _Naruto,_ TFS Gaming, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Avatar: The Legend of Korra, Star Trek,_ Rifftrax, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Awright, last character, time for everything to suddenly make sense.~

**Stain glass window:** IT IS MORNING.

**Ventus:** I’m standing off to the side, bored out of my mind.

**Master Xehanort:** Hi, I’m blatantly the villain.

**Ventus:** Lyke no wai.

**Footsteps:** Hey.

**Ventus:** HOLY SHIT. *stands at attention*

**Master Eraqus:** I have feet. I also look like a badass samurai or something. Also I’m voiced by Mark Hamill and am therefore made entirely of awesome aside from the fact that I’m a brainless idiot. Anyway, today you two will be examined for the Mark of Mastery. It’s not a competition, I just want you to kick each other’s asses. It isn’t a test of wills, but a test of heart, because willpower has nothing to do with achieving your goals. Both of you may pass, or you could both fail, I don’t really care either way. You are, after all, the youngest to try for the Mark in years, and I’m sure you don’t want to disappoint poor old Master Xehanort who has traveled such a long way to watch you. No pressure!

**Master Xehanort:** Still noticeably evil!

**Spoony:** Seriously, I mean look at him! He’s like the most obvious villain I’ve ever seen since Ben Kingsley in _Prince of Persia!_ Who would be stupid enough to trust that asshole? *takes drink*

**Master Eraqus:** He is our honored guest and you shall treat him with the greatest amount of respect possible.

**Spoony:** *spits out drink*

**Master Eraqus:** *is basically Square backwards with a slight change to make it pronounceable in English, like how Yen Sid is Disney backwards. Eraqus is modeled after Hironobu Sakaguchi, creator of the pretty, pretty franchise that is Final Fantasy. Because of this, I have renamed this character Master Ecivresnaf* Y’all ready for this?

**Terra:** …You ever get the weird experience of déjà vu?

**Aqua:** I know, I’m having the same feeling right now, it’s strange… 

**Terra:** …Meh. Let’s just fail and get it over with, we’ll figure it out later.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** That’s the spirit! *powers up his own Keyblade and summons five balls of light*

**Terra:** *prepares Earthshaker* So, what, because there’s an odd number, whoever takes out the most wins or something?

**Aqua:** *prepares Rainfell* Nah, I somehow know they’ll just keep respawning.

**Terra:** Ah, that makes more sense.

**Master Xehanort:** How does no one notice me transparently fucking with everything.

**Balls of light:** *suddenly have a black aura surrounding them*

**Terra and Aqua:** …The fuck what.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** …Okay, something is clearly very very wrong. I will do nothing to stop it and conduct an investigation; instead, I’ll just let my students fail even harder. Should be fun.

**Master Xehanort:** All according to keikaku.

**Terra and Aqua:** Meh, we still got this I guess.

**One of the balls of not-light:** *heads in Ven’s direction*

**Terra and Aqua:** Ah, shit!

**Ventus:** Meh. *summons Wayward Wind and destroys it instantly* Guys, what happened to your focus? Fucking concentrate already!

**Aqua:** But Ven, despite you taking out one of those things instantaneously in one hit when it takes us several seconds of chasing it around and hitting it multiple times t destroy one, I’m still convinced you’re an incompetent baby kid! Go to your room, tiny child person!

**Ventus:** Uh-uh, I’m watching you two become masters and that’s final! And also maybe Master Ecivresnaf will consider me for mastery if I do well here…

**Master Ecivresnaf:** What was that impossible scenario that’ll never happen that I couldn’t have just heard because no?

**Ventus:** Nothing, sir!

**Terra:** Eh, let him. He’s gonna have to go through his own playthrough of the game anyway, and these things don’t hold back like we always do so it’s way better training for him.

**Ventus:** What he said!

**Aqua:** Okay, fine, but only because neither of the masters are calling it off in any case.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** SPILL BLOOD ALREADY!

**Terra:** …Am I the slowest character or something? Oh well, at least I seem to hit harder.

**Aqua and Ventus:** *pass out at least once*

**Terra:** Huh, maybe Aqua was right about Ven. And also maybe she should’ve taken her own advice…Damn it, too bad phoenix downs don’t exist…Yo, Master, shouldn’t Aqua at least be disqualified for dying or whatever?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Probably. And frankly both of you should also be disqualified since someone else transparently interrupted their session. At the very least I should be helping the person who is not yet skilled enough to take this exam…Eh, I don’t really care all that much. *goes back to playing UX* This is getting increasingly pay-to-win and I am annoyed. Did _no one_ see the international negative attention Battlefront 2 has been getting...

**Terra:** I KILLED THE LAST ONE WITHOUT EVER DYING I’M THE BEST AND TOTALLY DESERVE THIS PROMOTION.

**Aqua and Ventus:** WE’RE MAGICALLY ALIVE NOW!

**Aqua:** *through gritted teeth* Ven…

**Ventus:** Hey, I remember living and _you_ dying!

**Aqua:** Riiiiiight. I don’t believe you.

**Ventus:** See what I’m doing is not telling the truth but if I say it in a convincing manner, then we’re all good.

**Aqua:** Why do I bother with you.

**Terra:** Because you also fucking died this time?

**Aqua:** I was too dead to even remember that, so I can’t fight you on this.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** That happened. And I decided to let that happen to test how you’d react to the thing happening because I’m a huge dick. Now, time for the next round. I sure hope you guys’ve truly become close friends over the years!

**Terra and Aqua:** We sure have!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Excellent! ‘Cause now you gotta try and kill each other.

**Ventus:** Ah shit, they’re not gonna be happy about tha—

**Terra and Aqua:** AW YEAH, LET’S DO THIS SHIT!

**Ventus:** …I’ve been wrong before.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Okay, as you’re about to murder your best friend/possible love interest even though I personally don’t buy it, remember that no matter what happens, you’re both losers and will always be losers and it’s just a matter of which of you loses more. Now DO THE THING!

**Terra:** Yeah, now I actually get to fight this bitchlord, this is the best day of my life!

**Terra and Aqua:** *begin a sick fighting cutscene*

**Terra:** …Fuck.

**Aqua:** *is easily dominating the fight*

**Terra:** Shit, she’s easily dominating the fight. *summons some dark energy in his hand* …Nah, I wanna win this fairly. *cancels the attack*

**Master Xehanort:** _Dayum_ I want that body.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** When did Orochimaru get here.

**Ventus:** No, don’t fade to black, I wanna see the rest of this!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Tough, we’re done now. And we’re gonna let Aqua continue to be a glass ceiling-breaking badass while Terra has to go back to basics.

**Aqua:** YEAH SON — I mean that’s such a shame.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Terra, you were about to use the darkness within you, but you realized that this would be a very bad idea and swiftly quenched the notion. THIS MEANS YOU FAILED TO KEEP IT IN CHECK. So…try again next year, I guess, whatever.

**Terra:** Didja ever consider that by not promoting me you are in fact further nurturing the darkness within me, specifically the kind born from envy?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I — Hmm…

**Master Xehanort:** *starts to leave*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Aqua, since you’ve gotten a promotion, you gotta learn new shit, mostly boring bureaucratic garbage that we all have to know and rarely apply. Stick around, I’ll be right back. *fucks off*

**Aqua:** Hey, thanks for making me feel shitty about my hard-earned promotion, asshat.

**Ventus:** She _is_ a better character than you and you know it.

**Terra:** Apparently this was the first time the darkness even made an appearance, which was not cool at all.

**Camera:** *moves to follow Master Xehanort instead*

**Master Xehanort:** So what did you think of Ventus?

**Vanitas:** *holding his helmet on his hip* Who gives a fuck? Unless he gets some real experience, he’ll never amount to shit. And since we know he’s never gonna be allowed off-planet, I _could_ beat the shit out of him right here and now—

**Master Xehanort:** No you won’t. I have to keep up the appearance of being _entirely fucking evil_ and miraculously no one notices.

**Spoony:** What the fuck is wrong with all of you?! What do you _need?!_ Some gigantic thunderclap whenever he enters the room?! See, _this_ is what I’m talking about! These characters are either insane or so hopelessly stupid that they _deserve_ to lose to a villain this transparently evil!

**Vanitas:** Whatever. *puts his helmet back on* So I’ll just make him leave the planet on his own, then. Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ve got a cunning plan…

**Aqua:** Seriously, are you gonna conglaturate me on my hard-earned promotion or what? We’re not gonna have another badass female character for another ten years, and no one will even remember her so really it’ll be _eleven_ years until Mulan is ruined!

**Terra:** Neither of you are helping and I am leaving now. *leaves now*

**Ventus:** …Well _I_ wanna conglaturate you but he just made me feel like shit.

**Aqua:** Me too.

**Terra:** *goes outside and sits on the steps so he can internally monologue* So I’ve got evil tendencies, who cares? It’s not as though I lack the basic foundation of morality...

**Master Xehanort:** I now have the power to read minds! *is now suddenly at the top of the stairs* And I’m actually encouraging the use of using evil for good.

**Terra:** Then why did you help fail me?

**Master Xehanort:** Hey, I wanted to pass you; it was Master Ecivresnaf who wanted to hold you back. And I’m pretty sure he’s gonna keep holding you back now that I’m in favor of you. So I burned his face off that one time, who cares, he needs to learn to just let shit go already.

**Terra:** …ANYWAY, what can I do that’ll make him see that I really am ready for this shit?

**Master Xehanort:** Nothing.

**Terra:** Come again?

**Master Xehanort:** There can be no light without the dark, you know. And once you have darkness in you, it’s impossible to snuff out. I mean, you can remove it, sure, but that’s extremely detrimental, trust me. So I say just use the shit, as opposed to others who want you to stop learning the thing that you've just been inspired to learn. It’s just another weapon at your disposal, why _not_ use it, you know?

**Terra:** Your back is turned so I can’t see your evil smirk, so I’m just gonna take whatever you say at face value. Thank you, Master, whom I've just met; I trust you implicitly.

**Bells:** *start ringing*

**Terra:** Ah shit, that’s Master Ecivresnaf’s ringtone, I gotta go. *heads back into the castle*

**Master Xehanort:** *smirks evilly* Mankind is so owned. *creates a _massive_ Dark Corridor and fucks off*

**Terra:** *runs through the castle and stops next to Aqua * What the fuck just happened?

**Aqua:** Iunno. And why isn’t Ven here?

**Terra:** ‘Cause he’s in his room? It takes a while to come down from there; anything could happen in that time.

**Aqua:** Good point.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Righty-ho, I’ll get my kids to do it, I don’t really feel like it.

**Pink crystal:** *is completely silent*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** No, I don’t know how I’m the only one who can hear what you’re saying either. Laterz.

**Pink crystal:** *stops glowing*

**Terra and Aqua:** *immediately stand at attention*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** So that was Noiti Sopxe. He’s retired, but sometimes he gets bored and checks shit out for me, and hasn’t been wrong yet so we kind of have to listen to him. So he psychically knows that the Princesses of Heart are all in danger now, since their movie plots have all begun roughly simultaneously. Well, like four of them anyway, another one will still be kidnapped offscreen within the next ten years and then there’s the other two, but why bother going to their planets at this point. Especially since they’re all like five and eight and not even conceived yet, holy shit, I just realized. Then again, another of them’s four so I don’t even know. Anyway, they’re all being attacked by a new type of enemy that’s really the oldest type of enemy considering this is a fucking _prequel_ but shut up we’re calling them Unversed and you gotta deal with it. So…go out and murder them, I guess? Since that’s kind of your jobs or whatever?

**Terra:** Are you gonna be helping us?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Pfft, no! Although I did try to get Master Xehanort to take on some of your grunt work as well, since who better than a man who looks like his back is fucking broken, but he hasn’t been answering any of my calls that I haven’t fucking made yet since I just got this news right now, right in front of you, why am I even claiming that I talked to the guy about this. Anyway, I may or may not be blaming him for this shit for reasons I refuse to tell you about.

**Terra:** Don’t worry about Master Xenahort, I literally just saw him like thirty seconds ago—

**Master Ecivresnaf:** No, he’s actually off-planet, and I don’t know where he went.

**Terra:** ...Oh.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** So yeah, go forth and do the thing I guess. Outer space is now referred to as the Lanes Between but we’re just gonna keep calling it fucking space so you’ll forget this term the instant you leave this room. If you go to space, you’ll be able to go to other planets. A revolutionary idea, I know. And you’ll be able to use your badass armor to not only breathe in space but protect you from darkness and other shit…Wow, I wonder if the Organization XIII cloaks are made from a similar material. Huh, that’s something to ponder…Oh, and the Prime Directive currently dictates that you cannot tell anyone that you are from other planets, but you’re evidently allowed to interfere in the affairs of said planets as much as you want. That’ll probably change within the next ten years, but for now you can basically do whatever you want.

**Terra and Aqua:** Aye, aye, sir!

**Terra:** *starts to leave*

**Aqua:** …Why aren’t I starting to leave, I wonder.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Terra, hold up. If you don’t fuck this up, you might be eligible for a field promotion.

**Terra:** Really?!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Hell yeah! You are all my childrens! If I could, I’d make every single one of you, Ventus included, masters right the fuck now, I don’t care that you’re all only level one! But Ventus is never gonna be made a master no matter what because of reasons, and all you care about is winning all the time. Not everything is a fucking competition, you know. Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.

**Aqua:** *clears throat* Um, Master? Load of crap biggest ever heard I is that?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Shut up.

**Terra:** I’ll work on that, yeah? While I’ll soon become obsessed with winning all the shit in the Mirage Arena and most other mini-games and, indeed, the entire fucking game?

**Aqua:** I think he means that you can also realize that while you’re not yet strong enough to defeat the harder bosses in the Mirage Arena, you can still use it to level up while you work on a strategy to defeat them.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Sure, go with that.

**Terra:** Sweet, I won’t let you down again. *leaves*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Yes you will.

**Ventus:** *runs outside* TEEERRAAAAAAAA!

**Terra:** ‘Sup?

**Ventus:** *bends over to catch his breath* I really, _really_ need to talk to you about something, you have no idea how important this is—

**Terra:** *ruffles his hair* Whatever. *smiles at him, then slowly turns away and activates his armor by punching his shoulder armor thing with his fist* Oh yeah, who looks sick awesome? I look sick awesome.

**Ventus:** Are you just gonna do that thing where you act like a cool guy and everyone’s like, “You are _not_ cool. Why are you _being_ cool.”

**Terra:** Probably. *raises Earthshaker which shoots out a beam of light into the sky, creating a portal, and throws Earthshaker into the air creating a kind of space motorcycle type thing*

**Ventus:** …Fuck it, Terra. You’re so cool. Stop being so cool!

**Terra:** Never. *jumps on the space motorcycle and blasts into the space portal, leaving Ven behind*

**Ventus:** And yet I’ll still D-Link with you.

**Aqua:** As will I.

**Terra:** Neat.

~BOY does all this in-game repetition make writing these sections easier...~


	21. Warnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **FINISHED THE CURSED CHILD PARODY 98.5K WORDS MIGHT HAVE IT UP FOR CHRISTMAS MERLIN I HATE THAT FUCKING PLAY NOW:** _Firefly,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Undertale, Airplane!, Farscape,_ Nostalgia Critic, Attack on Titan Abridged, _Harry Potter, Monty Python, Dragonball, Dr. Who, Once Upon A Time, Blackadder,_ Craig Ferguson, _Game of Thrones,_ Nullmetal Alchemist, Kickassia, _Spaceballs,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Wow, these three really did go to a different planet each time, didn’t they.~

**Terra:** Well, we all have the option to, at any rate. *goes to the Command Board and breezes through the introduction*

**Aqua and Ventus:** This is starting to get old, isn’t it.

**Terra:** Little bit, I’ve played this gorram game so many fucking times…

**Aqua:** But still, it’s like we’re actually hanging out together. I know we do in the prologue but apart from that one section and a couple of shared flashbacks our friendship is always told rather than shown. This is always some fun, tangible interaction with each other, so…there’s that I guess?

**Terra:** I guess. But now comes the real question: Who can cheat harder and faster?

**Ventus:** I lie better. Can you steal faster?

**Terra:** I can steal your lies!

**Aqua:** While I’m cheating.

**Terra:** You used your lies, but they’re actually my lies now.

**Ventus:** Guess what? I have the best yomi of all ‘cause I lied about cheating! I’m actually playing super legit!

**Aqua:** Your anti-cheating strategy won’t work against somebody _not_ cheating!

**Terra:** *goes first, does some dumb bullshit for a while, and wins easily because Jesus Horation Wadsworth Christ we’ve been doing this for so many fucking hours now it’s so easy it’s ridiculous*

**Ventus:** You steamboat motherfucker.

**Aqua:** He’s a steamboat motherfucker, what does that mean?!

**Ventus:** I don’t know, I just made it up, I figured it would be good.

**Terra:** I don’t know how the good thing feels. *leaves and goes to the Enchanted Dominion through a portal of light, still in his armor which slowly dissolves into his normal clothing* And now you know what we actually look like when we enter a new world. It’s kind of fucking badass and it’s a good thing that no one’s ever around to see it. *still glowing slightly* Okay, hopefully this dies down before I run into any people — LAKE! I wanna swim in it!

**Unversed:** TOO BAD, BRAH!

**Terra:** Aww, _man!_ You’re no fun, monsters that the Master mentioned who must be the Unversed!

**Unversed:** …Very good. Have a cookie.

**Terra:** YAAAAAAAY! *happy spin dance* And now you die.

**Unversed:** Oh come on, I just gave you a cookie!

**Terra:** I FUCKING HATE OREOS.

**Unversed:** …You really are a being of evil.

**Terra:** *murders everything in sight*

**Unversed:** Missed me! *runs off toward what we know is the castle*

**Terra:** Ah fuck. *runs into the next area* Oooh, a sticker! And some chests…How the fuck are there different stickers and different chests items in different and/or multiple locations on each planet for all three of us, I just realized that that makes no fucking sense. SAVE POINT GIMME GIMME IT FILLS ME WITH DETERMINATION. *levels up in the forest for a while before heading towards the castle*

**Unversed:** You can’t kill me! Your fighting style seems _way_ slower than the other two’s!

**Terra:** It’s slow enough to kill anything that gets away. *murders the Unversed* That’s a really fucking awesome castle.

**Enchanted Dominion title card:** Why thank you.

**Maleficent:** I’m just standing on this bridge for no apparent reason.

**Terra:** Oh hey, a person. Neat.

**Maleficent:** …Dude, you’re awake.

**Terra:** How very astute of you.

**Maleficent:** …Flora’s the one who put everyone to sleep, yeah, let’s blame her. Of course there’s only one person in the whole castle but just forget about that for now, okay?

**Terra:** Uh-huh, and who’re you supposed to be?

**Maleficent:** …Maleficent? Surely you’ve heard of me.

**Terra:** Maleficent, huh? Eh, you seem like a trustworthy person. Name’s Terra, not Shirley. Hey, do you know anything about those monsters that you may or may not have ever seen before? The ones that my Master gave an exposition dump on before I left? The ones who attacked me?

**Maleficent:** …That last one was running away, and you chased after it and struck it down from behind.

**Terra:** IT ATTACKED ME. *eye twitch*

**Maleficent:** …I’m sure it did. But they’re kind of insignificant and will disappear forever after this game is over anyway, so who gives a shit that they’re going around attacking and killing everyone.

**Terra:** I LOVE YOU. Oh, have you seen a bald, pointy-eared hunched-over guy in a black cloak? Answers to Xehanort, has a goatee? Looks as obviously evil as you do but I still end up trusting all of you anyway?

**Maleficent:** Nope. He also from out of the country?

**Terra:** Sure, let’s go with that.

**Maleficent:** Well _someone_ left the castle, but whether it was the person you were looking for or even male is unknown to me. I might even be making this person up.

**Terra:** WHAT WAS XEHANORT DOING HERE.

**Maleficent:** Pfft, I don’t fucking know.

**Terra:** Frell.

**Maleficent:** How ‘bout you go exploring the castle yourself, see if you can find any clues. There, the entrance is past the bridge. And is totally visible from here as a bigass doorway that couldn’t be anything _but_ some kind of entrance.

**Terra:** Thank _you!_ *runs past her*

**Maleficent:** …Okay, I totally talked to him, he said something about imprisoning the light or some shit. No idea what he meant. I mean, I know that Princess Aurora has a heart that is entirely made of the purest light, but I’m sure that’s not relevant.

**Terra:** I disagree. *runs down the bridge and doesn’t see Maleficent disappearing into green flames* Huh, wonder why she’s no longer behind me. *slaughters all the Unversed down the bridge and throughout the castle until he comes to a door that’s blocked by a shield that’ll only go down if you examine it. That’s it, that’s the only requirement. I mean, maybe it’s triggered by killing all the Unversed but I always do that anyway so who even knows*

**Door force field thing:** *dissolves after Terra points Earthshaker at it*

**Terra:** *enters the room* What’s going on, This Room?

**Aurora:** Not much. I’m unconscious.

**Terra:** Well at least you're not dead, because then I'll feel bad, except not as much as you'd think. If someone dies and I don't know them then it's fine. Because it means I won't be sad. That's pretty callous but if you think about it, it's true.

**Maleficent:** Like I said, pure light-filled heart or whatever the fuck. I wanna harvest it.

**Terra:** I am showing no surprise at you being here, nor am I overly concerned about what you might want a human heart for, instead being mildly curious about your overall purpose.

**Maleficent:** So there are, like, seven women with hearts as pure as this one here, and if I harvest all of them, I’ll be able to — You guessed it! — take over all the worlds.

**M. Bison:** OF COURSE!

**Terra:** I don’t get it.

**Maleficent:** …Jesus, you’re dumb. I’m totally gonna use that against you.

**Terra:** I still don’t get it.

**Maleficent:** Is that blade that takes the shape of a key called a Keyblade, by any chance?

**Terra:** HOW COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY FIGURED THAT OUT?! *summons Earthshaker*

**Maleficent:** Yo, can I borrow that? For organ harvesting only, of course, since it’s apparently the only thing that can do it properly.

**Terra:** Never mind that horrifying plan of yours right now! Tell me where Master Xehanort is!

**Maleficent:** Hey, how ‘bout you try asking nicely, you shrimp-dick fuck nugget. But if you _really_ wanna know shit, you’ll harvest Aurora’s heart for me.

**Terra:** … _No?!_

**Maleficent:** Yes.

**Terra:** Still no.

**Maleficent:** But you’re gonna be a bad guy, though.

**Terra:** Don’t wanna.

**Maleficent:** Fine, plan B. _Imperio!_

**Terra:** Ah shit.

**Maleficent:** Stop resisting.

**Terra:** N…No…

**Maleficent:** Yes.

**Terra:** O…kay…Why am I having a flashback…

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Remember that darkness lurks in every single heart in the universe. Except the seven Princesses of Light but they’re not important so don’t worry about them. And we’re still in the pre-Riku stage of accepting whatever darkness within us as part of who we are so I just wanna get rid of all darkness in every world ever because darkness is the worst. Darkness is a cantankerous bitch who’s drunk with power. I think if we all banded together and harnessed the power of bleach, we can finally make the universe the sterile, lifeless wasteland it was always meant to be.

**Terra:** Why was he doing cool guy poses in my own brain…

**Maleficent:** SILENCE, MIND SLAVE! *forces Terra to use Earthshaker to carve out Aurora’s heart* Gross.

**Aurora’s heart:** *is somehow a large, glowing white circular ball of light which floats directly into Maleficent’s clutches*

**Maleficent:** THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED! Time to light it on fire! *lights it on fire* Oh, _finite incantatem._

**Terra:** *blinks* What the fuck just happened.

**Maleficent:** I made you do the bad thing. At least now I know Master Xehanort was telling the truth.

**Terra:** MY! BRAIN! HURTS! And there’s a bloody hole in this girl’s chest, that doesn’t bode well.

**Maleficent:** True. _Scourgify._

**Terra:** Better. Now what the hell did you make me do.

**Maleficent:** You speak as if I pulled some invisible strings.

**Terra:** …Your scepter thing had green glowy things around it, and then my body started to have green glowy things around it, and then I can’t really remember but I _think_ my eyes turned blank and you took control over my body so you could use my Keyblade to get Aurora’s heart. I’d kind of call that pulling some invisible strings, yes.

**Maleficent:** You’re just saying that because I put you under the influence of an Unforgiveable Curse. And now to victim-blame you for not being strong enough to fight against it.

**Terra:** You motherfucker. You are all the dicks.

**Aurora:** I CAN TURN INTO VENTUS AT WILL.

**Terra:** HOLY SHIT BALLS.

**Maleficent:** Yo, you wanna know where Master Xehanort is or what?

**Terra:** Yes, actually?

**Maleficent:** Tough, I have no fucking idea. Pretty sure he’s off-planet, though, so there’s that. But now I know that the Keyblade is necessary to gather hearts. Even though I totally knew that before, this is big news. So…Wanna team up? There’re only six more to go, you know. It’ll be like collecting the Dragon Balls! Then we can rule the universe together!

**Terra:** Do I look as naïve as Goku to you? I’m a good guy, not a bad guy! *summons Earthshaker again, which apparently went away at some point*

**Earthquake:** *apparently happens*

**Maleficent:** Keep telling yourself that, sport. And you’ll never be able to hold back the darkness in your heart if you keep going the way you’re going. Now, you’re kind of done with this planet except to maybe come back and collect some shit/level up at a later point in time, and I have to go individually fight your friends. I mean, sure you have a lame boss fight ahead of you, but who even cares, I’m outta here. *Disapparates in a flash of green flame*

**Terra:** GET BACK HERE! *slashes at her as she disappears to no effect and gets frustrated as she cackles offscreen* …Not gonna lie, that was a _great_ evil laugh.

**Castle:** *shakes again*

**Terra:** Fucking Daisy…I’ll worry about Maleficent later. Right now, I have to do something! *leaves behind the girl in a coma to be crushed by the collapsing castle. OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND VARIATIONS THEREUPON* Okay, made it to the audience chamber or whatever — Shit, boss Unversed!

**Wheel Master:** *is an anthropomorphized spinning wheel of death*

**Terra:** …Okay, that’s pretty damn inventive and clever. *D-Links with Aqua so he has access to Cura and proceeds to kill the shit out of it* OKAY now to teleport back to Aurora’s room and guilt myself over being a terrible person. I promise, I’ll get your heart back…Once I learn to stand against the darkness on my own. But who knows, maybe Ven will free it for me so I won’t have to and Aqua will help make sure you wake up. Either way, I’m fucking done with this planet. *leaves castle* Why would Master Xehanort want to imprison the light? It’s not like he’s actually been obviously evil this whole time; there’s got to be some kind of reasonable explanation that doesn’t involve him being evil. If only I could see it…Eh, I’ll just start hanging around other Princesses of Light, see if he’s been seen around any of them, it’s kind of the only lead I’ve got so far so fuck it. *leaves planet*

**Maleficent:** Seven hearts total, eh? And the rest of them are probably on different planets altogether. This search may well take ten years total, especially if I somehow lose the heart I already have and have to recollect it somehow… *Disapparates*

**Fairy Stars:** *is still the same nifty Keyblade it always was*

**Terra:** …The hell did I get a new Keyblade for being evil?

~Seriously, I would’ve loved more personalized Keyblades for everyone.~

**Terra:** *checking out the new planets* Ooooh, the Mirage Arena opened up! Neat! *immediately goes there and chooses the darkest color imaginable because he’s evil and also it’s cool* And now to do a bunch of shit that I’ve done five million times by this point and only the Command Board hasn’t gotten stale yet. Seriously, you’d think I’d hate this shit by now but this part’s still pretty cool. *does a bunch of shit before eventually getting bored and going to the Snow White planet thing*

**Regina — I mean Grimhilde — I mean the Evil Queen:** *walks up to the Magic Mirror* Evidently I have to summon your spirit from a different dimension. Which actually makes some amount of sense, really.

**Mirror:** Indeed. So what do you want to know?

**Evil Queen:** Eh, the usual.

**Mirror:** Well Snow White just hit puberty, meaning she is of childbearing and thus marriageable age, so her I guess.

**Evil Queen:** …Well shit.

**Terra:** *hiding very obviously behind a pillar* I’m inconspicuous! And seriously, why do I automatically show up around evil people? No wonder all my choices are shit! Though that all-knowing and all-seeing mirror sure could come in handy…

**Mirror:** Also Snow’s one of the seven princesses of heart.

**Terra:** Oh yeah, Master Xehanort’s around.

**Evil Queen:** You suck at this game.

**Terra:** Ah, ‘s true. So, um, I’m Terra, and I’m looking for an old hunched-over guy called Xehanort. You seen him?

**Evil Queen:** Hmmm…Don’t know, don’t care. How’s that?

**Terra:** I instantly give up. *turns to leave*

**Evil Queen:** Hold up. I’ve got a cunning plan.

**Mirror:** Oh dear.

**Evil Queen:** I have a thing for you to do. If you do the thing, you can ask the mirror whatever the fuck, I don’t really care.

**Terra:** Will the mirror actually know about what I’m asking it, though?

**Evil Queen:** HOW _DAAAAAARE_ YOU QUESTION ME!

**Terra:** Hey, I’m clearly not from around here and I don’t know how reliable you are, so I think it’s a fair enough question!

**Evil Queen:** Are you going to do the thing or not?!

**Terra:** What _is_ this thing I must do?

**Evil Queen:** Obey the number one rule of basically your entire playthrough: Don't turn your back on people in trouble. Instead murder everyone they tell you to.

**Terra:** ...Well my play style is slow enough to kill anything that gets away, so...

**Evil Queen:** There’s a young girl who’s been freeloading for far too long. Her idiotic name is Snow White. Murder her for me, will you? And can I get a couple of harvested organs from her dead carcass as well? I wish to nom them. If you kill the children while they're asleep, you get the best meat. *hands him the heart box thing*

**Terra:** The part about taking her heart confuses me, but the part about straight up murdering her doesn’t phase me at all. Yep, I’m evil. So you after the hearts of light as well?

**Evil Queen:** Not particularly, I just want her dead and a couple of organs as _proof of death,_ after which I may eat them and thereby gain her power. Or something. Iunno, I actually ate said organs in the original Grimm fairy tale so…

**Terra:** …May I ask _why_ I’m killing her? Especially since I could just scar her really bad since you really just want her to be less pretty? And also why you couldn’t get your huntsman to do it instead?

**Evil Queen:** Oh he’s off being an Avenger, I can’t rely on him much anymore. Otherwise I don’t think it’s any of your business. Anyway, don’t you think I glow with enough light for anyone anyway?

**Terra:** …I don’t see any light whatsoever, but I’m not gonna tell you that, so…Where she at so I can totally _not_ do the thing and just see if Master Xehanort is around?

**Evil Queen:** I totally trust you to do this important deed, random stranger. But yeah, there’s a meadow nearby, and she should be picking flowers or something equally inane. Terra, do the thing!

**Terra:** *stares at heart box* …I find myself on the horns of a dilemma. This person’s obviously evil, I think I see that from the start this time. She wants me to do something for her that’ll most likely cause me to make another massive mistake. However, I was ordered to find Master Xehanort, and she’s offering me a way to do that if I do what she wants, and I always strive to follow orders, it’s my damn job. If I do this, I might be able to find Master Xehanort and complete my mission, but I’ll also have done something evil and Master Ecivresnaf might kick me out for good this time.

**Jaime Lannister:** So many vows. They make you swear and swear. Defend the king, obey the king, obey your father, protect the innocent, defend the weak. But what if your father despises the king? What if the king massacres the innocent? *shakes head* It’s too much. No matter what you do, you’re forsaking one vow or another.

**Terra:** Yeah that’s right, I just quoted a Lannister that wasn’t Tyrion to defend myself, what’re you gonna do about it. *blinks* Wow, I’m actually considering murdering this random girl to fulfill my end of the bargain. What the fuck is wrong with me. *walks off*

**Dwarf Woodlands title card:** WELL ISN’T THIS A FANCY TEA PARTY!

**Terra:** …Huh, thought I’d left. Oh well.

**Evil Queen:** Why are you still here?! Go, swiftly, and bring me Snow White’s heart.

**Terra:** *goes into the castle basement whatever and fights a shitton of Unversed* So this was the same area Aqua was in, huh. Shouldn’t be too hard to navigate considering I somehow have the layout memorized already despite Aqua technically not having done this yet. Which is interesting…I was forced to go to the Enchanted Dominion _first,_ and Ven went to this place first…How is it that I’m here before him? And why did it take Aqua so long to catch up, _both_ me and Ven will be done with the Castle of Dreams by that point! Grah, this timeline makes no fucking sense. Oooh, this castle ain’t half bad from the outside. Still not as nice as Aurora’s but hey, what possibly could be? *purchases all the things from the Moogle and dicks around for a while for leveling purposes before moving onto the meadow*

**Snow White:** *is humming that one song known as “One Song”*

**Terra:** Well that’s ungodly. If this is her no wonder Regina wants her out of the way.

**Baby bird:** *is flittering around Snow as she in turn flitters around Merlin’s pants I hate her as a character, GIVE ME THE ONCE VERSION*

**Snow White:** I run screaming from Charming, my One True Love, but not from this guy who’s actually threatening. Makes sense.

**Terra:** Seriously, how are you not terrified right now? I know I’m a really strong, scary-looking dude—

**Snow White:** Oh don’t be so silly, you have a more feminine face than I do!

**Terra:** *internally monologues* I can somehow sense that her heart really is nothing but pure light. Either that or she's really dumb. Welp, either way, this is perfect!

**Snow White:** …ARE YOU OKAY?! You’ve been standing there for several minutes now, it’s kind of weird.

**Terra:** Oh, sorry. You heard of a guy called Xehanort? Usually answers to the title Master?

**Snow White:** Uh-uh.

**Terra:** Ballsack.

**Unversed:** ‘Sup. Time to murder ladies!

**Terra:** Oh no! Unversed! *summons Earthshaker*

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Snow White:** I somehow don’t notice the multitude of monsters suddenly surrounding us and am only registering big guy with sword he pulled out of nowhere. WET YOURSELVES AND RUN! *wets herself and runs*

**Terra:** Aw come on, not into the Deadly Forest of Deadly Death!

**Unversed:** *surround him*

**Terra:** Oh come _on!_

**Snow White:** And now to disappear forever into Ven’s section. In fact he probably heard me scream just now and is on his way after he breaks and enters. Heh, you’ll just miss him by that much! *flees*

**Terra:** Balls, I hate being forced into fighting this many Unversed — FUCK YEAH AIR SLIDE! *runs to the entrance to the forest* Shit, the innocent, unarmed child who looked younger than Ventus is lost in a dark, dangerous looking forest with no one to protect her and no way to protect herself. And there is absolutely no way I could just follow the path I’m fucking standing on and see where that leads. In fact, I’ll never feel any desire to ever enter this area ever in my life. Because frankly, she doesn’t know anything about Master Xehanort, so fuck it. I WANNA LOOK IN THE PRETTY MIRROR. *backtracks all the way to Regina’s mirror room thing*

**Evil Queen:** Why didn’t you do the thing?

**Terra:** Were you expecting viscera?

**Evil Queen:** I _did_ expect viscera. So now you must die.

**Terra:** No you’re not.

**Evil Queen:** Yes I am! Snow White is still fucking alive, isn’t she?

**Terra:** Seems that way. You know, you might’ve been hot once. Hell, you might even be hot now. But I can’t see the beauty past your nasty personality. It can happen with hot women too, you’d be surprised.

**Evil Queen:** I’m so done with this fucking garbage. Sidney, do the thing!

**Terra:** Ah shit. *summons Keyblade*

**Mirror:** Can’t.

**Evil Queen:** And why not?

**Mirror:** ‘Cause I can’t. I physically lack the ability.

**Evil Queen:** …But what about when you'll eventually suck Aqua in and try to kick her ass and fail?

**Mirror:** Well that’ll only happen if you pour some evil potion on me — AAAAARRGH my face.

**Evil Queen:** LAWL.

**Mirror:** *suddenly explodes with light, engulfing Terra and turning him into this game’s version of a heart, which it sucks into itself*

**Terra:** …Why do I have the feeling that I’ve fought this boss before.

**Mirror:** *dodges out of the way* You quite literally have not but maybe someone else did. Or will.

**Terra:** *keeps missing* I’m confused.

**Mirror:** *summons a shitton of masks that circle around Terra* People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly…timey wimey…stuff.

**Terra:** *finds the real one* You don’t say. *beats it to death*

**Mirror:** _…OW?!_

**Evil Queen:** Well _that_ didn’t work.

**Terra:** *pops back out of the Mirror* Indubitably, I have deduced that you are a bitch.

**Evil Queen:** …How the fuck did you do that.

**Terra:** You were watching, weren’t you? Did you not see me beat up that mask thing inside there just now?

**Mirror:** You’d think after Terra already defeated me, I’d be in no condition to fight against Aqua, but you’d be wrong.

**Terra:** So can I ask the thing now? I know intimidation practices are kind of dick moves but you _did_ just order the murder of a fourteen-year-old girl that you were gonna harvest and eat the organs from, so I kinda think I’m in the right on this one, since if you’re being a dick to the dick, then doesn’t that make you a good guy?

**Mirror:** No, not necessarily.

**Terra:** You don’t know!

**Mirror:** Ethics does not follow the rule of the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

**Evil Queen:** Shut up, I want him out of here, just tell him what he wants to know.

**Terra:** And remember that I just beat your ass. You better give me a fucking straight answer; no riddles, got it?

**Mirror:** HE WENT TO THE KEYBLADE GRAVEYARD PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.

**Terra:** I will need time to puzzle out this riddle. IMMA GO HANG OUT WITH CINDERELLA BEFORE FINALLY DECIDING TO ASK SOMEONE DIRECTLY!

**Evil Queen:** …This is why evil will always prevail. Because good is dumb.

**Terra:** Okay, see ya, try not to commit unspeakable acts of evil against one of the Princesses of Light, bye! *runs out* Oh good, Treasure Trove again. This…is actually way better for my purposes, wow, that’s weird.

~Wow that was short. It’s almost like nothing of import fucking happened.~


	22. The

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **KHUX's Union Cross Missions Are Beginning To Get Intolerable Week To Week, I'm Not Good At The Big Raid Bosses:** _Sayounara Zetsubou Sensei, Harry Potter, Silent Hill, Berserk,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, TFS Gaming, _Dragon Ball Z, Once Upon A Time,_ A Very Potter Sequel, Super Best Friends Play, _Airplane!, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now for the timeline to really start making absolutely no sense whatsoever.~

**Terra:** *lands on the next planet that’s available to him at this point* Oh good, one of those planets that’s perpetually at night, great.

**Cinderella:** *is crying on a bench* I AM IN DESPAIR! THE FACT THAT MY DRESS IS TORN IN SUCH A WAY THAT I WOULD PROBABLY BE CONSIDERED VERY INDECENT IF I WERE TO BE CAUGHT LIKE THIS IN PUBLIC CONSIDERING THE PROBABLE TIME PERIOD THIS MOVIE IS SET IN HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR!

**Terra:** Why am I talking to people, the last two I talked to wanted me to be a bad guy. Meh, I’m sure it can’t happen a _third_ time, that’d just be nonsensical. *bends down to talk to her* Um…You okay, lady?

**Cinderella:** My friends quite literally risked their lives to make this dress for me, and my stepmother had my stepsisters tear it quite literally off my body. I’m surprised I’m still this decent, frankly. Also I have no idea where they got these shoes. *sniffs* This was my one chance to act like a normal person instead of an abused slave, because _every_ eligible maiden was to attend the ball, and now I can’t!

**Terra:** Oh Jesus Christ, so you couldn’t go to the stupid-ass prom, who gives a shit? You have a roof over your head, you’re clothed and fed daily, I don’t think it was ever implied that you were beaten at all, do you have any idea how privileged you are?! It’s not like you were forced to live in the cupboard under the stairs or anything, you were visibly shown as having your very own room with plenty of privacy! Do you have any idea how many people in this world are homeless and starving? And you’re whining because your dress that wasn’t all that spectacular to begin with got torn a little and you’re not going to the fancy dress party where most people would look down on you anyway. You are such a spoiled little brat.

**Cinderella:** …Did you just call _me_ a spoiled brat? Me, who doesn’t have any friends apart from some animals that I may or may not have hallucinated since they can speak English? Me, whose father died possibly right in front of me after possibly getting murdered by my stepmother, who has since forced me to live in squalor, never knowing a second of love or kindness, while she gives her two horrible daughters everything I lack?!

**Terra:** I — Look, I’m just saying that it could be worse—

**Cinderella:** Of course it _could_ be worse, but that’s not going to magically change the way I feel right now! You don’t tell someone with a broken bone that it could be sticking out of their flesh instead and then just tell them to stop screaming in agony! It’s still gonna fucking hurt regardless! My own pain is my own pain and it _hurts!_

**Terra:** …I just thought you were more optimistic than that.

**Cinderella:** Gee, it’s almost like depression can affect anyone regardless of class status or situation, and it’s almost like many people with that illness _hide behind a mask of presumed happiness_ or something. It’s almost as if mental illness is indiscriminate and can attack anyone at any time for any reason. _It’s almost as if constant mental and emotional abuse IS STILL FUCKING ABUSE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. HOW ‘BOUT YOU_ _**DON’T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND AND DON’T PRESUME TO KNOW ANYONE ELSE’S LIFE.**_

**Unversed:** Why are we just Floods, why aren’t we taking the shape of dementors, the physical embodiment of depression? That would be way more appropriate, methinks.

**Terra:** Oh no! Unversed!

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Terra:** *summons Earthshaker and kills the fuck out of them*

**Cinderella:** I think this is the first time I’ve cried since my father died. It feels good to finally let it out, frankly.

**Fairy Godmother:** No, tears bad, stop at once.

**Cinderella:** *sniffs* I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong, you know? I mean, I know I’m not her biological child, but Father married her for a reason, right? She used to pretend to love me…I just wish she actually did…What I wouldn’t do for a parent’s love again…

**Terra:** *notices the fog suddenly rolling in* …This place isn’t Silent Hill, is it?

**Fairy Godmother:** Oh yeah, that place was _plenty_ sparkly, wasn’t it. Moron. *appears with Cinderella’s head on her lap, stroking her hair*

**Cinderella:** …There was a BENCH here. It’s gone now.

**Fairy Godmother:** This is apparently your lowest point, and your desire to escape your current situation is finally great enough that I’m here to turn your life around for the better.

**Terra:** *immediately draws Earthshaker and points it at the Fairy Godmother* Lady, I suggest you drop the Behelit and step away from the God Hand at once.

**Fairy Godmother:** Pay him no mind, child. I’m going to make sure you get to the ball one way or another.

**Terra:** Seriously, why am I not at least accusing Slan of being an Unversed that’s taken on human form or something.

**Cinderella:** Fuck, why aren’t I freaking out over the appearances of two random people; at least this young man’s could conceivably make sense.

**Fairy Godmother:** *to Terra* I’m not Slan, you fuckwit, this planet doesn’t even have Behelits so stop that shit at once.

**Terra:** I don’t think I will.

**Cinderella:** Back to what you said about getting me to the ball?

**Fairy Godmother:** Oh, right! Now what were the only magic words I know that are apparently all-purpose depending on intent? Ah, yes! _Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!_

**Terra:** _Such_ a weird arc of Dragonball Z…Huh, and now the pumpkin is doing back flips, sure, why not.

**Cinderella:** At least we know where this level’s theme music comes from.

**Terra:** And that means there’ll be more of that throughout the game, right?!

**Fairy Godmother:** HA! *transfigures the pumpkin into a carriage, complete with coachman and horses already*

**Cinderella:** Huh, I expected you to waste time dicking around, this is much nicer! Still, it would’ve been nice to showcase all my animal friends getting involved since they’re still the only real friends I’ve ever had.

**Fairy Godmother:** And now to do the iconic movie moment… *transfigures Cinderella’s outfit as well*

**Cinderella:** _Shit_ this dress is gorgeous! And not an ounce of effort needed for it! Not too sure about the new hairstyle, though.

**Terra:** Yeah, not really my thing, you really did look prettier with it down.

**Cinderella:** Hmm, maybe if I just took this headband thing off—

**Fairy Godmother:** YOU’LL WEAR IT AND LIKE IT.

**Cinderella:** *whimpering* Yes, ma’am.

**Terra:** …NO I WASN’T STARING AT YOUR BOOBS, YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY.

**Cinderella:** I’m sure. *turns to the Fairy Godmother* …Not that I’m not appreciative of you helping me dress up for a fancy dance party, but…how was _this_ my moment of absolute despair? Why did you only wait until now to offer help after, like, a lifetime of torture and abuse?

**Fairy Godmother:** Because this is basically a dream that will only last until the stroke of twelve at midnight. After that, everything but your shoes will go back to being as they were before.

**Terra:** Why just the shoes?

**Fairy Godmother:** Pfft, I don’t fucking know, the plot or some shit.

**Cinderella:** I understand. *hugs Fairy Godmother* Thanks for showing up after nineteen years of my life, at least ten of them under the horrible rule of my stepmother, to give me three hours of magic that you could have easily adjusted to two or three AM, BECAUSE YOU’RE MAGIC! *gets in the carriage and waves at her and Terra as the carriage takes her to the palace*

**Castle of Dreams Title Card:** HEY DID YOU KNOW THIS WAS THE CINDERELLA PLANET? DIDJA? DIDJA?!

**Terra:** Her heart was blindingly bright just then. It’s as if something restored all hope of humanity for her with a random act of kindness at no cost to her. Slan, what the hell did you do to her besides give her a dress?

**Fairy Godmother:** I’m not fucking Slan, becoming an Apostle requires a terrible sacrifice and I require nothing from her.

**Terra:** Thought all magic came with a price.

**Fairy Godmother:** Do I look like I was violently replaced with Rumplestiltskin to you?!

**Terra:** He could’ve changed his appearance (as could Slan), so how am I supposed to know?

**Fairy Godmother:** Look, do you believe that dreams can come true or not?

**Terra:** If it’s vaguely realistic and you work hard enough for it, than sure.

**Fairy Godmother:** What? That’s stupid, _you’re_ stupid! *bursts into song*  
 _You’ve got to dream a little harder_  
 _When life won’t go your way_  
 _Simply dream a little harder_  
 _Trust me when I say_  
 _That if you dream a little harder_  
 _You’re sure to follow through_  
 _‘Cause if you’re good and you’re attractive_  
 _No need to be proactive_  
 _Good things will just happen to you!_

**Terra:** I’m beginning to think you’re not sending the best of messages to young kids. Also why’d you help _her_ of all people, I wasn’t kidding when I said there were others who were worse off, why does _she_ get all the special treatment?

**Fairy Godmother:** Because her father was the only one to make a fairy his child’s godmother, I guess.

**Terra:** Didn’t her mother have a say in it?

**Fairy Godmother:** Who?

**Terra:** …So where _is_ this party, anyway?

**Fairy Godmother:** See that giant pretty castle over there? There. Now go and watch her dance, it’s sure to make you believe as well! It’s not like I’d use the infinite magical abilities at my disposal to help you out with your own problems, that’d just be silly, you silly.

**Terra:** I don’t really care for you that much. Bye, Slan!

**Fairy Godmother:** I’M NOT FUCKING SLAN!

**Terra:** I am disbelief. *dicks around collecting items and killing shit before heading up to the castle where he also kills more Unversed* Why do I feel like these should be incredibly difficult and I should be dying repeatedly when they’re actually a huge cakewalk. *looks up and sees Cinderella surrounded by Unversed* …Really?

**Cinderella:** Help! My years of doing manual labor somehow haven’t toughened me up at all! Though in all seriousness, I do not have a weapon of any kind. Maybe this would be a good time for the Fairy Godmother to show up again?

**Terra:** Slan’s not gonna be helping anyone ever again except to force a friend of mine to do something she could’ve easily done herself with magic. *kills all the Unversed surrounding her* Why doesn't the castle have guards.

**Cinderella:** Iunno. Why aren’t I falling for _you_ immediately.

**Terra:** I got this, you hang back.

**Cinderella:** May I go with you? I really don’t care if I’m a liability and might slow you down or cause you to become severely injured, I just care about this shitty dance party for posh people who enjoy looking down on people like me.

**Terra:** Okay, just don’t blame me if that pretty gray dress gets covered in blurd.

**Cinderella:** Okay.

**Terra:** You’re not worried that I’ll fuck up? I set this on Critical, remember?

**Cinderella:** Which means you would’ve been paranoid enough to level up a shitload before getting to this point.

**Terra:** It’s like you know me! *plows through everything in both the hallway and the entrance hall* YAY KNOWING MAGIC AND ABILITIES AND SHIT.

**Cinderella:** Wow, I thought I was done for when they tried to stab me, but I only got hit, like, once, nice job.

**Terra:** Question. Why the fuck isn't there anyone else here, I thought this was a huge palace with lots of people.

**Cinderella:** This kingdom's in a hell of a recession; they had to lay off all the guards.

**Terra:** Ah.

**Cinderella:** *tries to go into the ballroom but a bunch of Floods appear around her again*

**Terra:** Well it’s a good thing I get rid of these guys automatically then. Ooooh, Counter Hammer, I can see myself never using that since I never block ever. *escorts Cinderella inside*

**Prince Thomas:** *is being hounded by Drizella and Anastasia*

**Duke:** *is standing off to the side*

**Lady Tremaine:** *is standing off to the other side*

**Terra:** …This isn’t a ball, there’s only like five people here.

**Cinderella:** THIS IS THE BEST DANCE PARTY EVER. Oh, I never did catch your name.

**Terra:** Nor I yours.

**Cinderella:** …WELL BYE. *walks forward, curtsies to the Duke, and is immediately approached by Prince Thomas, who takes her hand and starts dancing with her without either of them once exchanging a single line of dialogue*

**Duke:** Where’s that soundtrack?! Come on!

**Terra:** …I thought “Peaceful Hearts” was more all-purpose than this. Also how does she know how to ballroom dance when she’s spent more than ten years cleaning shit. What, did she just _believe_ she could dance or some shit?

**Anastasia:** I AM REALLY LOUD!

**Drizella:** I’M LOUDER THAN YOU ARE, BITCH!

**Anastasia:** Who’d have thought that Prince Thomas would have a thing for blondes.

**Lady Tremaine:** She looks familiar. If only we knew someone who was blonde…

**Terra:** And now to not notify the local authorities about this horrendous abuse—

**Unversed:** WE’RE CHILLING IN THE BALCONY!

**Terra:** Oh no, Unversed!

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Terra:** Hey, I’m a strange person who you’ve never seen before and clearly isn’t from around here. Can you tell me how to get up to that balcony over there, where the king may or may not be?

**Duke:** Oh but of course! You seem like a trustworthy guy! There’s a passage under the foyer staircase.

**Terra:** Awesome. Where’s the foyer staircase.

**Duke:** *sigh* Through here, down the stairs and to the left.

**Terra:** Thank _you!_ *goes through the passage* Oh sure, put a sticker just out of jumping distance, see if I care. *reenters the ballroom onto the balcony*

**Symphony Master:** *rises up like it had already been down below in the ballroom with the others, and summons several floating instruments that hover around it and send visible soundwaves of horribleness at Terra*

**Terra:** Disapparate!

**Symphony Master:** Ah, magic!

**Terra:** I’m on the dance floor now!

**Cinderella and Prince Thomas:** …What the fuck is going on.

**Duke:** Frigging recession...

**Terra:** I’ll handle this boss fight!

**Cinderella, Prince Thomas, and the Duke:** We instantly believe you. *run away*

**Terra:** *beats up the instruments surrounding the Symphony Master before attacking the Symphony Master itself*

**Symphony Master:** I am trying to provide entertainment, you shit! I was _hired!_

**Terra:** Then why are you trying to murder everyone?

**Symphony Master:** Well, now you’re asking me whether my allegiance is to my people, or to my job, and, well, that’s rough.

**Terra:** That sounds like something someone about to be without a job would say.

**Symphony Master:** Between a hard place and a hard place.

**Terra:** Yeeeeaaaahh...Thing is, they can't afford to pay you for the entertainment bit.

**Symphony Master:** ...Wait what—

**Terra:** *kills it* OKAY, YOU CAN COME BACK OUT NOW!

**Duke:** M’kay. Conglaturations, you saved the entire kingdom with that probably! It’s a shame about the ball, though; the guests were just starting to enjoy themselves.

**Terra:** …What guests, there were only five people.

**Duke:** Please dine on many dicks. Seventeen, perhaps.

**Terra:** Whatever, check it.

**Cinderella and Prince Thomas:** WE ACTUALLY APPEAR TO BE TALKING TO EACH OTHER!

**Duke:** Well that’s not canon.

**Terra:** So have these monsters always been here, or…?

**Duke:** Well, Lady Tremaine’s daughters aren’t _that_ old — Oh, you mean the thing you just fought. No, there was a random teenage boy in a black faceless mask, a red and black muscle shirt even more defined than yours, and a similarly colored half-skirt thing that showed up out of nowhere one day. Apparently he controls the monsters or something.

**Terra:** A random teenage boy in a black faceless mask, a red and black muscle shirt even more defined than mine, and a similarly colored half-skirt thing?

**Duke:** …Yes, that is exactly what I just finished describing to you.

**Terra:** Do you know where he is now?

**Duke:** Probably another planet.

**Terra:** That’s as good a cue as any to leave, I guess…

**Clock:** *starts chiming*

**Cinderella:** Ah shit, it’s midnight.

**Prince Thomas:** What is it?

**Cinderella:** It’s the time of night that signifies the beginning of a new calendar day, but that’s not important right now. I gotta go. *rips her hand out of the Prince’s and runs off*

**Prince Thomas:** Stop, don’t, come back.

**Cinderella:** *looks over her shoulder and waves* See you, Shitlord. You big shitbag. You huge bag of shit. I’m saying that you’re poop.

**Duke:** Hang on, my prince, I will chase after her so you won’t have to exert yourself!

**Prince Thomas:** Why thank you, strange servant person!

**Cinderella:** *runs down the stairs and drops the signature shoe* Shit, can’t have that turning pink again right in front of their very eyes. *starts to turn back*

**Duke:** Madmoiselle! Señorita!

**Cinderella:** Or maybe I can. *runs away again*

**Duke:** *picks up her shoe* Hold the fucking phone, would you?!

**Cinderella:** I don’t know what a phone is. Also no. *runs off*

**Duke:** Shit, shit, _shiiit…_

**Terra:** Oh well, hopefully it was fun for her while it lasted. *sees Aqua at the front of the castle* That’s not…YO, DAWG!

**Aqua:** HAY, GURL!

**Terra:** Hang on, I’m gonna run all the way down to meet you without jumping over shit or taking any shortcuts available to me!

**Aqua:** And I’m not even gonna meet you halfway even though I have urgent news!

**Terra:** What good partners we make! Now what’s this urgent news?

**Aqua:** Ven fucked off.

**Terra:** …Well that’s not good.

**Aqua:** No it isn’t. I think he left to find you possibly maybe it’s not a hundred percent clear.

**Terra:** You mean that when he ran up to me and looked really upset about something and seemed like he wanted to talk to me about it, I should’ve stayed and listened? NOW YOU’RE JUST TALKING CRAZY TALK!

**Aqua:** YOU’RE RIGHT, WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Oh yeah, Master Xehanort, you find his ass yet or what?

**Terra:** A magic mirror told me exactly where to look for him, so I came to this planet instead of going where it told me to.

**Aqua:** Makes sense.

**Terra:** Figured out his motive, though! He’s looking for pure hearts filled with light. Which I totally found on this very planet but that’s not important right now.

**Aqua:** But Ven was already at the Land of Departure!

**Terra:** _Female_ hearts.

**Aqua:** …A creepy old man seemingly after barely adult/adolescent women…Nope, nothing suspicious about that!

**Terra:** I agree. And he’s not here at any rate; in fact, I’m just about done with this planet except for leveling and coming back to find items and shit.

**Aqua:** Okay, but I’m gonna stay here and see if I find anything you missed.

**Terra:** What, you don’t trust me?

**Aqua:** …There might have been something you missed, and four eyes are better than two.

**Terra:** How can four eyes be better than two, there are a couple of sections of the castle you won’t even be able to go into because you conveniently don’t feel like it! How can you do a decent sweep of this planet if the game doesn’t even allow you to go everywhere?!

**Aqua:** There’s still one house you won’t be able to go into, even if I’m not there for very long!

**Terra:** …Okay, fair enough. Hey, how ‘bout you talk to the prince of this planet up in the ballroom at the top of the stairs? He might be able to tell you _something,_ considering he’s royalty and I don’t think the actual king appears in-game.

**Aqua:** Sweet.

**Terra:** Wait, before I go…Do you still have the same dream?

**Aqua:** …Not really, I mean I’ve already become a Keyblade Master. Now I guess I just want to be the best Master I can be. And of course I hope one day you and Ven will be standing beside me, but that’s up to you two to achieve it; I can only help so much from the sidelines.

**Terra:** Well, there’s this girl—

**Aqua:** I immediately ship it.

**Terra:** No, I think she’s with someone else and anyway that’s not what I was talking about.

**Aqua:** Riiiiiiiiiight. I don’t believe you.

**Terra:** Aqua, I’m serious. This girl — young woman, really — made me realize that if you wait around long enough and start crying on a bench somewhere, a magical fairy will appear and make all your problems go away!

**Aqua:** …Wut.

**Terra:** A powerful enough dream will always keep the darkness at bay, no matter how many bodies you have to step over to get there!

**Aqua:** Yes, if you’re in a horrible situation, just _wishing_ for things to get better will totally make it happen.

**Terra:** Exactly!

**Aqua:** You’re like a stupid cat. Except you smell worse.

**Terra:** Anyway, if you see her, tell her I said hi.

**Aqua:** Sure, whatever.

**Terra:** *inner monologues as he’s leaving the castle* I wonder if this new evil masked kid has anything to do with the clearly evil guy we’ve been asked to track down… _Naaaaah._ Still, Master Ecivresnaf said he heard about all this shit from Master Noiti Sopxe. And now I have an arbitrary new location to go to!

~…Isn’t it a little early to be visiting him?~


	23. Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Just Watched The Remake Of Disney's** _**Beauty And The Beast**_ **And The Original Back To Back; GUESS WHICH ONE I LIKED BETTER HOLY SHIT THAT TRANSFORMATION AT THE END OF THE REMAKE WAS LIMP AS FUCK I NEEDED A PALLET CLEANSER SO FUCKING BADLY:** _Men in Tights,_ TFS Gaming, Super Best Friends Play, _Harry Potter,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, the _Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban_ Rifftrax, and anything ever owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oh right, there's a plot that exists.~

**Master Xehanort:** Could we possibly be planning something nefarious within the depths of Radiant Garden right now?

**Braig:** Nah, that doesn't make any sense.

~…I’ve been wondering…Are we technically in Twilight Town right now?~

**Terra:** *lands at the Mysterious Tower* That sure is a mysterious looking tower.

**Mickey:** *comes running out of the tower* I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date! No time to say hello, goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!

**Terra:** The Star Seeker Keyblade? Isn’t that the one no one uses? Also how did he get Kingdom Key D if this is the one he keeps using? IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME KIND OF TWO-HOUR SIDE GAME TO EXPLAIN EXACTLY THAT.

**Mickey:** *holds up Star Shard* What even is this, is this a prequel to Gummi technology or what.

**Star Shard:** *lights up, turns Mickey into a comet or something, and takes off*

**Mickey:** OH I SHOULD’VE PEED FIRST!

**Terra:** … *head tilt* Okay…? *steps up to the tower doors*

**Mysterious Tower title card:** DID YOU KNOW THIS TOWER WAS MYSTERIOUS?! _THAT’S WHAT WE’RE TELLING YOU NOW!_

**Terra:** HA! You actually thought I went inside. *turns around, kills some Unversed and collects some items and a sticker, and _then_ actually goes inside* YAY another recipe that’s just there as if I didn’t have most of the melding requirements practically memorized by now. Eh. *goes up the stairs and through the door, standing at attention* Master Noiti Sopxe?

**Noiti Sopxe:** That be I.

**Terra:** I’m Terra.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yes, I know who you are. SO LET’S TALK ABOUT UNVERSED.

**Terra:** OKAY! Your name is “exposition” backwards, so I figured you’d be able to advise me as to where to go next.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Okay, but you know I’m not a master anymore, right?

**Terra:** Yeah, but the game won’t let me go talk to Master Ecivresnaf, so…

**Noiti Sopxe:** Ah.

**Terra:** Also it doesn’t look like you’ve stopped teaching. Unless I just witnessed you being robbed, but he _did_ have a Keyblade…

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yeah, that guy’s actually a friggin’ _king_ if you can believe that. He doesn’t suck, but everyone has room for improvement. He is headstrong and cocksure…Or is it the other way around? And he didn’t really rob me, there was no threat of bodily harm involved; he just burgled me of a teleportation device that he has absolutely no fucking clue how to use properly. Still, he thinks it’ll help him in whatever it is he’s doing right now, with additional help from the Keyblade that he also thinks will be useful.

**Terra:** I’m so fucking confused as to what’s happening right now. Master Xehanort’s fucked off Merlin knows where—

**Noiti Sopxe:** No, trust me, Merlin doesn’t know either.

**Terra:** …Right…And there’s a boy in a mask that’s actually controlling the Unversed apparently.

**Noiti Sopxe:** *gets up, grabs Terra’s legs, and throws him over his back*

**Terra:** *is now upside down* What are you doing?!

**Noiti Sopxe:** Shake things up! Use that big brain of yours to think your way out!

**Terra:** What?!

**Noiti Sopxe:** Look for a new angle!

**Terra:** Look, I just beat the shit out of a mirror that spoke in riddles, you don't have to do it to.

**Noiti Sopxe:** *sighs heavily and drops him* Have you ever considered that maybe the boy and Master Xehanort might be working together?

**Terra:** …Wait, are you telling me that the evil-looking dude and the definitely evil monsters are connected somehow?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Oh yeah look, they peed together. That means they’re in cahoots.

**Terra:** Well okay then.

**Noiti Sopxe:** I actually really want to be wrong about this, but I don’t wanna leave my tower of mystery so I’m gonna force you to do it for me. And you must start by finding Master Xehanort.

**Terra:** THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO DO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! *leaves in a huff*

**Noiti Sopxe:** …Damn it, Xehanort, we talked about this! Presumably! We’ll find out when KHIII never comes out! *goes to sleep*

**Terra:** *is visibly travelling through space* Damn it, I wanted to check out that room that Master Noiti Sopxe was in, there was bound to be a treasure chest or another sticker in there or something.

**Master Xehanort:** Terra…Terra…

**Terra:** Master Xehanort?!

**Master Xehanort:** Terra…You must go to the Dagobah System…

**Terra:** …What.

**Master Xehanort:** *snorts* I’m just fucking with ya, I’m in the Keyblade Graveyard, come hit me up.

**Terra:** Just a second! *goes back to the Mysterious Tower* Called it! *grabs sticker*

**Noiti Sopxe:** Back in the day, me, Ecivresnaf, and Xehanort used to all chillax together. And then we broke up. It was kind of rough, actually. We still keep in touch but it’s kinda weird now.

**Terra:** Yeah, sure, whatever. *leaves planet again and heads to the Keyblade Graveyard* Why does the planet look like Pride Rock from a distance. *heads through a portal into the world* Hey, a wasteland. Wonder if Piccolo’s anywhere around here. Let’s all go tour the wasteland!

**Master Xehanort:** Down here!

**Terra:** ‘BOUT FUCKING TIME! *flies over to him, lands near him, is engulfed in light and emerges un-armored and with no vehicle* I still don’t understand how I can do that. But anyway! I’ve been to several planets by now, and…you don’t really seem as okay a guy as I initially thought. Except for the Mirage Arena, that place seems pretty devoid of your influence, but apart from that shit’s weird. I’m not mad at you, I just want to know why.

**Master Xehanort:** Oh I fucked this up.

**Terra:** You did. I don’t know what you did, though.

**Master Xehanort:** Oh I fucked this up so bad, girl.

**Terra:** Yeah, can you explain anything? Please? Instead of nothing?

**Master Xehanort:** Heard about the man in the black mask?

**Terra:** I’ve heard about a _boy_ in _a_ mask. Don’t try to distract me with early _Daredevil_ awesomeness.

**Master Xehanort:** Fine, fine, I’ll tell you about Vanitas. I may have created a being of ultimate darkness. Which…Whoops.

**Terra:** …Master what the hell did you do.

**Master Xehanort:** I…might have done some horrible science shit to Ventus way back when…

**Terra:** *puts hands on hips* Master, have you been conducting unethical science experiments on humans again?

**Master Xehanort:** Eh heh… *scratches back of head* My judgment is near universally poor.

**Terra:** You know, a lot of people that you left to die would agree with you.

**Master Xehanort:** Yup. But at least Ventus is nothing but good feelings now, considering that when I ripped all of the darkness out of his heart it formed Vanitas.

**Terra:** …So what, is he a Heartless, or…?

**Master Xehanort:** No, a Heartless is what happens when someone’s heart is _devoured_ by darkness, not when it’s wholly made up of it. I think. Also I swear it was an accident.

**Terra:** I am disbelief.

**Master Xehanort:** Okay so I intentionally pushed him too far and he was probably about to _become_ a Heartless. Yanking the darkness from his heart before it overcame him was the only thing I could think of to do to save him in time. *gesticulates wildly* And then that darkness somehow gained consciousness because this mythos is so fucking weird like that. *turns around* Unfortunately, Ventus was in a comatose state for a bit, and then when he came to it turns out he had amnesia, forgetting everything that happened in the mobile game which I would still like to understand what his role in that was so if that could update its story a bit more quickly and with less Sleeping Beauty bullshit that would be _lovely._ So I handed him over to Ecivresnaf because I thought he’d do a better job than I in training Ventus for the completion of my evil plan — I mean I left him there for his own protection because it turns out I was a shitty teacher.

**Terra:** …Well you’re a piece of shit, but Ventus has gotten, like, _so_ much better since you fucked him up. And…Fuck it, gonna be gushy. I wouldn’t have my little brother if you hadn’t done the bad thing. So while I wish you hadn’t done the bad thing, I’m grateful for the person that you made him into. And also at least he didn’t turn into a fucking Heartless.

**Master Xehanort:** …I can’t believe you’re falling for this shit.

**Terra:** What?

**Master Xehanort:** I’m relieved you don’t know who I really am so I can murder you more elegantly later. I feel way less guilty now, thanks!

**Terra:** No problem! Frankly, you have no idea how much this explains. *starts flashbacking*

**Flashback Aqua:** *training with Rainfell* Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we could explore the inside of the castle in the Land of Departure whenever we fucking wanted in order to establish how at home we feel here and so we'll be far more emotionally invested when it implodes later?

**Flashback Terra:** Now you’re just talkin’ crazy talk! *swings Earthshaker*

**Flashback Door:** *opens*

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** YO I BROUGHT A KID!

**Flashback Ventus:** Uhhhh…

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** Mind taking in another student?

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** Why?

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** I may have fucked up.

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** Why doesn’t this surprise me. Also why am I letting you back in after you fucked up my face.

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** Remember when I punched your nuts? Here's a puppy.

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** Basically, right?

**Flashback Aqua:** Who dat?

**Flashback Terra:** Iunno. *walks downstairs to meet Ven* I’m Terra. Who’re you?

**Flashback Ventus:** …Ventus…?

**Flashback Terra:** Yay! Just because you looked morose and depressed, I was apparently worried you couldn’t talk for a sec! I would’ve completely ignored your existence otherwise! Hey Aqua, get down here! He can talk!

**Flashback Aqua:** Oh thank Merlin! *runs down to meet them* So I’m Aqua.

**Flashback Ventus:** Terra…Aqua…

**Flashback Terra:** Very good, have a cookie. *hands him a cookie*

**Flashback Ventus:** *stares at cookie* Cookie…

**Flashback Terra:** So, are you gonna live here with us and train and shit?

**Flashback Ventus:** Uh…

**Flashback Terra:** Where are you from?

**Flashback Ventus:** I AM GETTING VISIBLY UPSET.

**Flashback Aqua:** Hold up, let him answer the first question before—

**Flashback Terra:** Who was that man with you?

**Flashback Aqua:** Okay, enough with the spitfire questions, let him answer things one at a time. Also, he seems to be groaning in pain, maybe you should stop—

**Flashback Terra:** You good with a Keyblade?

**Flashback Ventus:** *falls to his knees and screams in agony, clutching his head*

**Flashback Terra:** Well _that_ came out of nowhere!

**Flashback Aqua:** Why do we hang out.

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** Terra, what the hell did you do this time.

**Flashback Terra:** Asked basic questions?

**Flashback Master Xehanort:** *walks over and lifts Ven’s head off the ground* Maybe this was a bad idea…

**Flashback Master Ecivresnaf:** You pushed the amnesia button. Ya shouldn’ta did that.

**Flashback Ventus:** How adorable am I right now.

**Terra:** *has now stopped flashbacking* …So why didn’t you kill Vanitas yet?

**Master Xehanort:** ‘Cause I need him alive and we’ve been working together to achieve my evil goals of evil.

**Terra:** I’m sorry, the wind’s really picking up, what did you say?

**Master Xehanort:** He done got away.

**Terra:** Well poop.

**Master Xehanort:** Also the kid’s got his own Keyblade.

**Terra:** Double poop.

**Master Xehanort:** Which he uses to create the Unversed and bend them to his will.

**Terra:** The Unversed?!

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Master Xehanort:** Unlike you and I, Vanitas doesn’t have any control over the darkness in his heart. Yours is still pretty light while you can use what darkness is there at your own discretion, and I think mine might be fairly balanced while still leaning more towards darkness, just not enough to turn into a Heartless just yet. A being of _total_ darkness should not be using the Keyblade. I mean, we could _try_ reasoning with him, but I sincerely doubt he’ll listen. No, better just to murder him and be done with it. At least you can claim it was in self-defense since there’s no way he won’t attack you. *starts gesticulating wildly* Help me murder him, Terra! Help me correct my huge fuck-up!

**Terra:** Sure. Catching serial killers is preferable to not. But only if you start leaving a little scenery for someone else to chew.

**Master Xehanort:** Are you not savvy to the fact that I am flamboyant as fuck?

**Terra:** I apologize. Any idea where I could start looking?

**Master Xehanort:** Around the Princesses of Light, if you can find any. He kind of wants to murder them.

**Terra:** Shit, I already found three! How am I supposed to protect all three of them and search for more at the same time should he try to kill them again?

**Master Xehanort:** Oh it’s fine, Ventus and Aqua have already joined forces to complete their plotlines already.

**Terra:** So Aurora got her heart back and Snow White ain’t fucking dead?

**Master Xehanort:** Yep! Maleficent should be capturing them all and encasing them in carbonite shortly if she hasn’t already!

**Terra:** …That doesn’t sound particularly reassuring.

**Master Xehanort:** Hey, Vanitas wants them dead while Maleficent wants them quite alive and maintained.

**Terra:** Oh, okay then. Why am I getting visions of the end of the game.

**Ventus:** I’M IN A COMA!

**Aqua:** Oh fuck. Terra, I just remembered that you and I have our Mark of Mastery exams tomorrow and I totally didn’t study for it.

**Terra:** Well if you’d bothered to even open your books, you wouldn’t suck quite so much, now would you?

**Aqua:** Bookwork isn’t everything, you know, you need actual experience. Anyway, I made us cheat sheets disguised as good luck charms.

**Terra:** OMFG I LOVE YOU FOREVER.

**Aqua:** Yeah you do. *throws him the yellow one*

**Terra:** Huh. Wonder if the color yellow will bear any significance on my immediate future…Naaaah. Also HUFFLEPUFF REPRESENT, BITCHES!

**Ventus:** What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

**Aqua:** Yo, Slytherin, catch.

**Ventus:** *catches the green one* Why would you give me a cheat sheet, I don’t have to take the exam yet.

**Aqua:** Yeah, but now you’ll have some idea of what might be on the test when it _is_ your turn. I’m a Ravenclaw, I know these things. *holds out her own blue one*

**Ventus:** It’s kind of nice how Gryffindor’s actually getting left out for once, they’re so overrepresented and overrated.

**Terra:** Damn right!

**Ventus:** This mostly future montage didn’t get that into the flashback, but okay — SHIT, AQUA, LOOK OUT!

**Aqua:** Why, what—

**Vanitas:** *jumps down from the cliff and strikes her down*

**Aqua:** …I’m shocked…that this doesn’t…leave a mark… *collapses*

**Ventus:** …Well you fucking suck.

**Aqua:** So anyway, I heard of this island that grows star-shaped fruit, because that’s not unrealistic or anything. It totally represents bonding for life, though it seemed like it would be used in the romantic sense which is hopefully _not_ what I’m going for here since there are probably three million threesome fics involving the three of us without my help. But yeah, it’s totally supposed to symbolize that we’ll be friends forever and never drift apart or be torn apart by horrible circumstances in any way. Also it’s apparently a homing device. I’m a pretty slick inventor like that. Imagine trying to invent a homing device out of seashells, please, glass is _far_ more practical.

**Terra:** Sometimes you’re such a girl, because guys don’t value their friends or anything that can remind them of their friendships at all.

**Aqua:** Well if you think it’s too girly, you don’t _have_ to have it. You can just write your notes on your arm, because there’s no way it’ll be messed up and somehow the ink will end up all over our examiner’s face in a tasteful beard shape.

**Vanitas:** Whatever, I’m going to stab her in the heart now. *positions Void Gear over Aqua’s heart*

**Ventus:** *struggles harder to get out of the ice* Why can’t I cast Mega Flare my own damn self, I have it fucking equipped!

**Vanitas:** I’m just going to take my sweet-ass time in striking downward. Wouldn’t want to rush things, after all!

**Ventus:** DAMN IT, MELT FASTER!

**Vanitas:** Man, I just have all the time in the world, don’t I? *raises Keyblade ever so slightly ever so slowly*

**Ventus:** Stiiiill in a fucking coma.

**Terra:** Seriously, what the fuck was that shit.

**Master Xehanort:** Iunno, just go to Radiant Garden, it’s the next planet on the list. It's kind of surprising it wouldn't be the first place he'd go.

**Terra:** OKAY!

~Phew, glad we could get advice from such a trustworthy guy! It was nice talking to Noiti Sopxe again as well!~


	24. Doesn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE OVER SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO CAN WE PLEASE STOP WITH THE HIGH SCHOOL NIGHTMARE FLASHBACKS also happy holidays or whatever:** TFS Gaming, Super Best Friends Play, _The Room, Harry Potter, How To Train Your Dragon, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Bleach,_ “Walking in the Air,” _Monty Python's Flying Circus,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And we open with…Ventus, apparently…~

**Ventus:** This _is_ a nice little planet…And there’s a duck walking around with clothes. Meh, I just got my ass saved by a talking mouse wearing clothes, I can dig this.

**Mickey:** You say something?

**Ventus:** I did, actually!

**Mickey:** Well come over here and say it, ‘cause I’m walking away from you.

**Ventus:** Shit. *runs away*

**Terra:** *walks up the stairs* I wonder if I would’ve run into anyone I know had I gone just a little bit faster…Eh, I’m sure it’s not important. *looks around and sees Scrooge McDuck leaving the area* Aside from whatever the fuck that is, this place seems pretty nice.

**Unversed:** *appear*

**Terra:** Unversed!

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Terra:** See, _this_ is why I believe in Master Xehanort, because he was totally right about Unversed being here. Never mind that they’ll appear in absolutely _every planet we will ever come to until Vanitas is murdered._ *defeats them all*

**Master Xehanort:** Conglaturations. *walks away*

**Terra:** *sees Master Xehanort walking away* …SHOULD PROBABLY FOLLOW HIM I GUESS.

**Radiant Garden Title Card:** Wasn’t this place pretty before the name change? Sure it’s still cool-looking nowadays but look how gorgeous it used to be!

**Terra:** Sure, fine, it’s great, whatever. *murders some more Unversed and heads into the next area that he’s allowed to go to*

**Merlin:** *Apparates in front of him* Christ, why can’t I remember where I fucking live anymore… *drops book on his way into his house*

**Terra:** …Meh, I don’t have people I need to talk to. *picks up book and goes inside without knocking* Excuse me, Your Elderness…

**Merlin:** The fuck kind of title is that supposed to be?

**Terra:** Not a clue, frankly, but you dropped this.

**Merlin:** …Oh no, do _not_ try to foist that shit on me again! *sighs heavily* Okay, so this book _has_ been known to grant the user special abilities and items in the future, but the process is so much bullshit that absolutely no one really cares for it aside from the people who do but their opinions are wrong so who cares.

**Terra:** …Your Elderness—

**Merlin:** Don't _ever_ call me that again, my name is fucking Merlin.

**Terra:** …The name that we’ve kinda turned into a swear?

**Merlin:** The very same! I’m a wizard and everything!

**Terra:** …The last witch I met mind controlled me into carving out a young girl’s heart.

**Merlin:** Well of course she would, she’s a woman! Women can’t be trusted with magical powers, nothing good ever comes of that! Unless they’re fairies, of course, I suppose…

**Terra:** …Christ you’re sexist.

**Merlin:** Early Disney, what do you want. Anyway, the book still isn’t mine, so if you’d just like to take it back—

**Terra:** I’ll leave it here, sure!

**Merlin:** …I don’t like you very much. Still, I must be more popular than I thought. So many guests, and all on the same day! And your two friends haven’t even come through here yet! THAT IS HOW POPULAR I AM!

**Terra:** …Right… *glances at book* I mean I know I was just about to talk to Master Xehanort and all that, but I really feel compelled to read this book. *cautiously opens book* Oh, it’s a new Command Board, I can deal with that. *leaves and sees a section of the Trinity Armor floating past him* The fuck? Is that a _giant mecha?!_ *follows the hallway that is this planet over to where the boss fight is* …Okay, where the hell’d it go.

**Ventus:** HEY TERRA!

**Aqua:** HEY TERRA!

**Terra:** Aqua, Ven. Wait, _Ven?!_

**Aqua:** I told you!

**Terra:** Oh, right.

**Ventus, Aqua, and Terra:** *all summon their respective Keyblades*

**Ventus:** …I’m holding Fairy Lights, why is it showing Wayward Wind.

**Aqua:** And I’ve got Destiny’s Embrace equipped, not Rainfell.

**Terra:** Never mind that, are you telling me there were _more_ boss Unversed?

**Trinity Armor:** *connects all three parts into something infinitely more badass than the Guard and Reverse Armors could ever hope to be*

**Terra:** Ah.

**Aqua:** Y’all ready for this?

**Ventus:** We’ll find out! *dies almost instantly*

**Aqua:** Damn it, I knew I should’ve sent him back home when I had the chance!

**Terra:** Why didn’t you?

**Aqua:** I thought he could handle himself. Clearly I was wrong.

**Trinity Armor:** *can apparently summon fireballs that float around for no reason until they decide to hit people*

**Aqua:** And I’m out too. Fuck.

**Ventus:** I’m awake again! And now I’m dead again.

**Terra:** WHAT THE SHIT, YOU GUYS.

**Trinity Armor:** *splits up, giving everyone three different targets as one hops around and the other two fly around slamming into people or firing lasers and shit everywhere*

**Terra:** I am _not_ enjoying doing the brunt of the work you two! *kills one of the pieces*

**Other two pieces:** *shoot lightning at each other and spin around and shit*

**Terra:** …Okay, don’t get hit by that. Noted.

**Aqua:** I am now alive again! And I’m not completely ineffectual!

**Terra:** Oh huzzah, the mighty Keyblade Master is awake again! *still does most of the work*

**Aqua:** CUTSCENE FINISHING MOVE!

**Terra and Ventus:** ON IT! *team up and murder Trinity Armor to death*

**Terra:** YAY WE WON.

**Aqua:** We should really team up more often in a part of the game that’s not just the command board or plot-related shit.

**Ventus:** Totally agree. Hey, Terra! I’m half-convinced that you’re up to random acts of evil and that you’re starting to turn into a bad guy, plus the fact that some random guy said that you would change for the worse and that I would barely recognize you anymore. Even though I’ve been sidetracked by incredibly important things like fashion design and the like, I’ve been really worried about you for some time now. But who cares about any of that! WE’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!

**Terra:** ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!

**Ventus:** Well, Disney _Town,_ but still, you know? *hands the other two the fast passes* This giant talking duck gave them to me.

**Terra:** I see no reason to question this.

**Aqua:** Well I met him too, so…

**Ventus:** He told me to take my parents, but you guys are my siblings, so…

**Aqua:** Sometimes I think we _are_ your parents.

**Terra:** That’s too adorable an image, I’m getting a fluff overload over here.

**Aqua:** NO! MORE FLUFF! After I take Ven home anyway.

**Ventus:** …Didn’t you _just say_ that we should team up more often?

**Aqua:** Yep!

**Ventus:** …Look, I’ve gotten way stronger since I left the Land of Departure! I even took out the guy in the mask that was threatening Terra! I mean, I didn’t kill him, but I beat the shit out of him, which is basically the same thing; he’ll _never_ want revenge for something like that!

**Terra:** Wait, you _saw_ Vanitas?!

**Ventus:** …If he’s the guy in the mask, then as established, yes.

**Aqua:** …Who are we even talking about right now.

**Ventus:** Should…Should I not have fought that guy?

**Terra:** No you really shouldn’t have. Let Aqua take you home. Now.

**Ventus:** Why should I be shunted to the sidelines again?! I’m easily more powerful than both of you! I was the only one who was able to not die against that Unversed just now!

**Terra:** *laughs* Excuse me? You passed out, like, twice or something!

**Ventus:** No I didn’t! You did!

**Terra:** Clearly you were hallucinating, since I never passed out during this fight.

**Ventus:** Yes you did! And you, Oh Great And Powerful Keyblade Master, you died like three times or something over the course of the fight! You were the worst one of us!

**Aqua:** I did not see that at all!

**Terra:** I did not see that likewise, in a way that is similar to you.

**Aqua:** I’ll have you know that I never passed out! I _did_ see Terra die a couple times though. Not as much as you, Ven, but still more than I did. Which was zero.

**Terra:** There’s two schools of thought on this and neither school really cares. Ven, just let the adults handle it, okay? We gotta do dangerous shit and you’ll just die over and over again. I don’t want to see that happen anymore.

**Aqua:** …What are you talking about? All we have to do is find Master Xehanort. Is there some sort of side quest you’re not telling us about? One not sanctioned by the Master?

**Terra:** Actually, yes. Master Xehanort isn’t willing to come home until I’ve helped him rectify a mistake he’s made. It involves fighting the darkness, just like Master Ecivresnaf wanted.

**Aqua:** Okay, we acknowledge that you were placed under the Imperius Curse in the Enchanted Dominion, but that still doesn’t excuse you even considering doing horrible things to people in the first place, even if it is to fulfill your primary objective. Because I somehow know about your choices in the Dwarf Woodlands.

**Ventus:** Hey, the important thing is that he _didn’t_ do the bad thing in the end.

**Aqua:** He still considered it though, which is just as bad apparently and makes him an asshole.

**Terra:** In my head?

**Aqua:** Yes you are! I am mad at you for saying this thing in your own mind! And him even considering to use the darkness is why he failed in the first place; if he keeps backpedalling like this he’ll never make it! Ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it! Don’t you see, he can’t make it!

**Terra:** *exasperated sigh* Look, I’ve just befriended the first people I met in each world and gave them a hand, same as you two!

**Aqua:** Yeah, but we don’t befriend extremely obviously evil people!

**Terra:** Master Xehanort.

**Aqua:** …He doesn’t count, Master Ecivresnaf trusts him too for some dumbass reason reason even though he actually has proof that he’s evil.

**Terra:** And we all follow the Master’s example. You can’t really blame me for automatically trusting obvious villains, it’s how I was trained! *blinks* Also I’m resentful of you spying on me for the Master.

**Aqua:** Dude, we all got the same four or five worlds at the start and we’ll keep unlocking the same worlds that happen to be geographically closest to our starting point, even if their locations shift radically in ten years because that’s how planetary alignments work. It’s not really that hard to keep up with what you two have been up to.

**Terra:** But the Master _did_ order you to spy on me, right?

**Aqua:** …Okay yes.

**Ventus:** Aqua! How dare you expressly follow the orders that our collective father figure whom we all implicitly trust gave to you!

**Terra:** How’s all that betrayal food in your stomach digesting?!

**Ventus:** Does it taste delicious?

**Terra:** Does it taste like _deceit?!_

**Ventus:** Does it pass easily?!

**Aqua:** Hey whatever man, fuck you, I’m not perfect. No one’s perfect in this world.

**Terra:** Everybody betray me. I’m feddap widis worl! *turns to leave*

**Ventus:** Bro, wait up—

**Terra:** Piss off.

**Ventus:** *sharp intake of breath*

**Terra:** …Okay I’m sorry, but I need some alone time, all right? *starts to walk away*

**Aqua:** Terra, please! The Master has seen so many people implode from the darkness, and he loves you like a son so he doesn’t want you to suffer the same fate if he can help it! I was only supposed to keep a vague eye on you and prevent you from implosion if necessary! Damn it, Terra, please don’t use this personal betrayal as an excuse to follow an even darker path!

**Terra:** Hey, that’s a great idea, I’m gonna go do that! *leaves* Oh yeah, I can still go to Disney World. Maybe that’ll make me feel better. As it is, for some reason I now think that Master Xehanort’s the only one I can trust now apparently. I mean, sure I’m mad at Aqua and Master Ecivresnaf right now, but Noiti Sopxe still exists! Fuck, _Ventus_ still exists! My reasoning is utterly beyond stupid right now!

**Braig:** Welp, ain’t gonna argue with that! That old bastard said you had poor impulse control that could be easily manipulated — I mean he was crying out your name while I was torturing him.

**Terra:** …Who’re you talking about?

**Braig:** Xehanort or whatever? Yeah, I got a mean sadistic streak and I take it out on people who are weaker than me. And he is _so much_ weaker than me…

**Terra:** Please, like he’d let himself be caught by a sub-par enemy like you.

**Braig:** … _Let_ himself? You got a thing for victim blaming, doncha? But yeah, totally caught him though. Been having a little fun watching him bleed, but the constant shouting got to me and I thought I’d come get ya. Maybe we can have a little bonus boss fight? Come to the area within Hollo—Radiant Garden whenever you’re ready. But make it soon or I’ll just get fed up and murder his ass. Sayounara. *peaces out*

**Terra:** …The fuck kind of language was that shit. *farms for Abounding Crystals and jumps from level 30 to level 36 before even bothering to follow after Braig* Hmph. As I thought, no one here. Ooh, there’s a treasure chest in this area… *suddenly looks up* …Oh. You were kidnapped and tortured after all. Shit.

**Braig:** I know, isn’t that weird?

**Terra:** …Do you at least have a _reason_ for doing all this bullshit?

**Braig:** A little plot device of a girl just gained the ability to wield a Keyblade, and so will one of my future colleagues once this fight is done. I want one too. I tortured the information out of that old man up there and everything.

**Terra:** I just noticed that you’re weapon is actually a crossbow. I always thought they were weird guns.

**Braig:** Eh, easy mistake.

**Terra:** But no you can’t touch my Keyblade.

**Braig:** What, you think you have a choice in the matter? As if! Apparently you’re a shoe-in for Keyblade Master. And for some reason I’m in the mindset of being able to win your Keyblade from you if I defeat you, because Keyblades are the same as wands, right?

**Terra:** No they’re not! *starts to lunge forward*

**Braig:** Hey, how ‘bout we forgo the boss fight? It’s either that or I kill the old dude. I know I can’t win if I fight you fairly, after all.

**Terra:** … *takes several crossbow lasers to the face and gets knocked backward without going onto the offensive at all* OH I’M HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

**Braig:** …Well that’s just dandy.

**Master Xehanort:** Damn it, Terra, kick his ass already!

**Terra:** I can’t! I can only defend against him!

**Master Xehanort:** The best defense is offense that’s defensive!

**Terra:** …What?! No, the best offense is a good defense in case there’s offense!

**Master Xehanort:** I don’t know why everyone wants us to crossover with Star Wars so much now that Disney owns it; we’ve _clearly_ already done so. Now act out the beginning of Episode III already!

**Terra:** Shouldn't we be quoting it directly like we do everything else we blatantly steal from?

**Master Xehanort:** Feel free to rewatch it yourself, then, 'cause I ain't gonna.

**Terra:** Oh…I don’t know…

**Master Xehanort:** Don’t worry about my life! Think of what your master and your friends would think of you if you got me brutally murdered by some rando!

**Terra:** …Okay, A, they’d hate me for the rest of my life for getting such a revered master killed, and B, I don’t particularly care about what they think of me right now, as has already been established.

**Master Xehanort:** …Wait, what did Ventus do?

**Terra:** Absolutely nothing and yet I’m still mad at him somehow.

**Master Xehanort:** You make no sense. Just fight the boss battle.

**Terra:** Our best scientists tell me I can’t do that.

**Master Xehanort:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Terra:** Hmm…OKAY! *stands up and either causes a mini-earthquake or the camera vibrating is meant to show him gathering the powers of darkness*

**Braig:** …Welp, time to get my ass handed to me I guess! *teleports next to Master Xehanort*

**Terra:** Shit, he’s gonna kill him after all!

**Master Xehanort:** Don’t shoot me. It would ruin my whole day.

**Braig:** Nope! Instead I’m gonna shoot the other guy from way up here where it’s safe, and the camera will show exactly where I’m targeting so he’ll know exactly where to dodge!

**Terra:** …That sounds like this boss fight’s rigged grossly in my favor.

**Braig:** You’re just saying that because it is. *eventually gets bored and teleports back next to Terra*

**Terra:** Hey. We should probably calm down. So that you don’t shoot me in my fucking face.

**Braig:** Pfft. Calm down? As if! *shoots Terra by jumping into the air and walking around upside down in mid-air*

**Terra:** …The fuck is this, _Bleach?!_

**Braig:** *bursts into song* _I’m walking in the aiiir/I’m floating in the moonlit skyyyy…_

**Terra:** Wow, what a beautiful falsetto!

**Braig:** Why thank you. Now kindly die by my hand. *jumps down onto the floor*

**Terra:** Thanks for doing that, it makes it way easier to hit you in your fucking face.

**Braig:** Shit, you’re right. *teleports to the upper level again*

**Terra:** *easily dodges laser crossbow bolts or whatever and waits him to teleport down again, defeating him once he gets back on the actual ground* And now to randomly burn your face with darkness.

**Braig:** Okay, that’s how, okay.

**Master Xehanort:** That one that scarred his cheek somehow managed to reach me all the way up here. Your aim is scary phenomenal.

**Braig:** Oh no, it’s the pain! *clutches where his eye used to be in agony before…quite literally bouncing away*

**Terra:** …Well that was a fantastically framed battle of wits.

**Master Xehanort:** YAY YOU DID THE BAD THING.

**Terra:** Wait, I thought you’d been horribly tortured.

**Master Xehanort:** I didn’t have Magic Haste or Leaf Bracer equipped so it took five-ever for the Curaga command to refill.

**Terra:** I instantly believe you.

**Master Xehanort:** Shame you couldn’t murder him, though. I wanted to see you murder him, it makes me sploosh.

**Terra:** …I didn’t want to become _completely_ evil. I’m still pissed with myself that I was even slightly evil just now. I’d already beaten him; I didn’t have to fuck up his face.

**Master Xehanort:** But now if he comes back he’ll have a sick eyepatch and look super cool.

**Terra:** While true, it doesn’t excuse that fact that I’m turning into a villain and I really don’t want to.

**Master Xehanort:** Look, I’m Palpatine, you’re Skywalker, deal with it.

**Terra:** Hey, I may have a slightly below-average voice actor, but I’m still _waaaay_ better than Hayden Christianson was forced to be!

**Master Xehanort:** Keep telling yourself that, sport.

**Terra:** Look, the point is that I can’t go home anymore. Master Luke — I mean Master Ecivresnaf will _never_ forgive me for this.

**Master Xehanort:** Shouldn't we be making vague _The Last Jedi_ references right now?

**Terra:** Can't, not seeing it till Christmas Eve. Like, five days after this chapter gets posted.

**Master Xehanort:** Bummer. Meh, I’ll take you on if you want.

**Terra:** …The shit will that work?

**Master Xehanort:** I know it seems like I’ve succumbed to darkness myself, but it’s not as if Ecivresnaf hasn’t either! He’s just succumbed to light, is all!

**Terra:** …Meaning he’s devoted himself into becoming a _good_ guy. This is a _good_ thing.

**Master Xehanort:** People only look good in comparison to bad. It’s one of the first things we learned in the entire franchise: The brighter the light, the longer the shadow. There can be no light without the dark. Ventus has no excuse, considering I quite literally made sure that his heart would hold no darkness in it, but that Aqua is also obsessed with staying on the side of the light. You have gained the potential to control darkness perhaps in response to these two, and guess what? You can still be a good guy despite these powers. The term “antihero” exists for a reason, you know. It’s something that Ecivresnaf refuses to remember time and time again, and because of that he won’t make you a master even though you’re clearly at that level already.

**Terra:** …But you were there to help him decide who becomes master, so why didn’t you argue in my favor then?

**Master Xehanort:** Because I deliberately wanted to cultivate your jealousy for my own purposes probably — I mean I tried but Ecivresnaf wasn’t seeing my point of view because he doesn’t like what he doesn’t understand; in fact it scares him, and your powers are mysterious at least. So just ditch him and hang out with me already. I think I’ve already proven that I’m far less judgmental than Ecivresnaf!

**Terra:** …I still don’t know…

**Master Xehanort:** Fuck it, fine, go check out some more planets or whatever, considering we still need to get rid of Vanitas at any rate. That is your continued mission… _Master_ Terra.

**Terra:** _WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?!_

**Master Xehanort:** Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, grin, grin, say no more!

**Terra:** OKAY, ABSOLUTELY, FUCK YES! *bows*

**Master Xehanort:** All according to keikaku. *walks away*

**Terra:** *finds himself outside* Wait, you mean I have to finish the planet and come back and get the chest I missed after! Damn it, I hate it when this happens, it’s such busywork!

**Ventus:** YO TERRA, YOU BEAT BRAIG AND TALK TO MASTER XEHANORT PRETTY FUCKING QUICKLY JUST NOW, HUH?

**Terra:** Well you were protecting Ienzo—

**Ventus:** Yeah, from a bunch of total jobber Unversed that I cleaned up in seconds!

**Terra:** Huh. Well I got nothing then.

**Ventus:** Cool, so can I go with you now?

**Terra:** Nope.

**Ventus:** But I’m the same level as you!

**Terra:** I know, but pride and the lack of sick team-up options in this game dictate that I must go on alone.

**Ventus:** That’s such a stupid reason!

**Terra:** Yes it is. But I know you’ll be there when I really need you.

**Ventus:** …You _really_ think that sickening platitude will make me drop it?

**Terra:** Maybe?

**Ventus:** Because that’s such a stupid thing to say! I’m your friend; of _course_ I’ll be there! Which is why I want to be there for you _now!_

**Terra:** Still no. Thanks for the friendship pick-me-up, though, I needed it. *hits armored shoulder thing and puts on his armor again, flying off into space*

**Ventus:** HEY WAIT WE’RE NOT DONE HERE!

~And Ventus _still_ hasn’t told Terra what he was so worried about at the beginning of the game. JUST SIT DOWN AND TALK ALREADY!~

**Master Xehanort:** Apparently I haven’t even left the area. At least I’ll be gone by the time Terra instantly swings back around to come back here for missing goody-goods.

**Braig:** YOU OLD-ASS MOTHERFUCKER! *starts firing at him*

**Master Xehanort:** Sorry, my Barrier’s leveled up to max.

**Braig:** *keeps firing anyway* I knew I had to take one for the team, but I never meant to get permanently disfigured! My eyeball’s _never_ gonna grow back, man! Also I didn’t sign up to get super murdered, that would suck a whole lot.

**Master Xehanort:** *shoves No Name in Braig’s face* All right, so what don't you get about the thing that you get?

**Braig:** …The fact that I’m apparently just following your instructions because you keep threatening to murder me, aren’t I.

**Master Xehanort:** No idea, I really don’t know what your motives are or how we started working together or any of that.

**Braig:** Yeah but you still need a convenient pawn, right? One to talk to the other guards around here, find out what’s happening inside the castle, that kind of thing? I just don’t want to get my face fucked up anymore than it has been, all right?

**Master Xehanort:** Sure, fine, whatever. *vanishes No Name*

**Braig:** *sighs in relief* I mean, I’m gonna look like one of the most badass members of the Organization now, aren’t I? Depth perception seems real important to a sniper but whatever. Man, more fictional characters should get horribly fucked up in the face more often, and not just tiny little scratches that don’t take away from their standard Hollywood attractiveness, you know? And hey, at least that guy didn’t steal my heart…and me saying it like that is going to encourage _so_ much slash fic…

**Master Xehanort:** Meh. Terra’s still a good guy deep down. He can’t even steal a heart if he wanted to.

**Braig:** …But he _did,_ though.

**Master Xehanort:** Under the Imperius Curse.

**Braig:** _Ahhh…_

~I WONDER IF THEY’RE PLANNING ANYTHING NEFARIOUS!~


	25. Scare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...So I MAY have received a PS4 for Christmas...after logging over a hundred hours of KH3D on my 2DS...and I'm not willing to pay full price for a game I've already beaten completely, a new game that takes six hours or less to max out, and a movie that I can frankly find on YouTube...Yeah sorry, I don't think I'm getting 2.8 regardless, I don't care how amazing my waifu looks:** TFS Gaming, Super Best Friends Play, _Harry Potter,_ Patton Oswalt, _The Lord of the Rings, Yu-Gi-Oh!, The Producers, How to Train Your Dragon, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Meanwhile, back at shit that has no relevance…~

 **Terra:** YAY THREE NEW PLANETS. Let’s get the shittiest one over with… *lands in Disney Town* Huh, this is actually a really nice looking area, but I don’t remember it from my shared memories of Ventus and Aqua’s trips through here.

 **Bunch of Glidewinders:** *fly across the racetrack*

 **Terra:** Unversed!

 **Player:** *takes shot*

 **Terra:** They're go-carting, those bastards! I totally got this. *prepares to put on armor*

 **Minnie:** GROW SOME EYEBALLS, DOUCHEFACE!

 **Terra:** *dives out of the way as Pete flies by*

 **Minnie:** *standing with Chip, Dale, and Pluto* WHAT THE SHIT.

 **Terra:** *goes over to them at the entrance to the race track* My armor could’ve totally taken that hit but whatever, thanks for stopping me from wasting a Curaga that would’ve reloaded within seconds.

 **Chip:** Why the fuck would you run into the middle of the road like that?!

 **Terra:** To fight monsters. Also I didn’t really notice that it was a road.

 **Dale:** It was still against the rules!

 **Terra:** …What.

 **Minnie:** Exactly. Nothing excuses breaking the rules at any time, I don’t care what the special circumstances might have been.

 **Terra:** …Look, I just got here. I had no idea that thing was a race track, I just thought it was some random road! And I saw a bunch of monsters heading down that way, monsters that I know for a fact like killing and destroying things, so I went to try and kill them before they could harm anyone else! I’m sorry I disrupted your stupid little game to _save the fucking world._

 **Chip:** You sound just like Pete, who is a guy who knows perfectly well that there are games going on and breaks the rules anyway instead of someone who just stumbled in here and didn’t know the circumstances! You, sir, are the nozzle that the douche comes out of.

 **Terra:** …I think this town sucks shit. I think you suck shit.

 **Dale:** Speak of the idiot, it’s Pete in a different stupid costume than he originally appears in!

 **Pete:** *is now wearing a largely black and purple get-up* I prefer wearing this outfit whenever I’m racing! Also call me Captain Dark now.

 **Terra:** How did you make the background do that?

 **Pete:** I really don’t know, it just sort of happens.

 **Terra:** Huh. Cool.

 **Pete:** But I _was_ trying to go for a new record, but I nearly had to hit the breaks so I wouldn’t hit you and that loss of concentration made me lose my focus.

 **Terra:** Oh, sorry about that, I didn’t realize it was a racetrack.

 **Pete:** Fair enough, but how come you don’t look familiar to me?

 **Terra:** Oh, I’m from a different planet.

 **Pete:** …Neat. Still, you’re a piece of shit for breaking the rules.

 **Terra:** I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WERE FUCKING RULES!

 **Chip:** And this is increasingly ironic coming from the guy who always breaks the rules at all times!

 **Dale:** Have you guys ever fought him legit, ‘cause I always cheated.

 **Pete:** Shut it, I actually followed them this time, in case you didn’t notice!

 **Chip:** I don’t care if you find a way to end world hunger, we’ll never like you!

 **Pete:** Which is why I don’t even bother trying anymore. Good day.

 **Terra:** …So you’re saying the only way I can kill the monsters whose only goal is to destroy everything around them is if I enter your little race and play by the rules so I can win some stupid trophy I don’t even care about?

 **Dale:** Yeppers!

 **Terra:** LET’S DO THIS.

 **Minnie:** That’s a relief. We’ve only ever seen these monsters on the raceway, after all—

 **Ventus:** THERE ARE UNVERSED ALL OVER THE UNDERGROUND AND IN THE AREA JUST OUTSIDE THIS RACE TRACK ENTRANCE THING!

 **Aqua:** Not to mention the fact that they’ve taken over the other pointless mini-game involving competition against someone other than your own high score…

 **Chip:** Shut up and let Terra enter the races so he can beat up Pete while he’s beating up monsters and not actually defeating them so they can still compete.

 **Terra:** …But wouldn’t that also be cheating? ‘Cause I feel like that would also be cheating.

 **Dale:** But if you’re being a dick to the dick, then doesn’t that make you a good guy?

 **Terra:** No, not necessarily.

 **Dale:** You don’t know!

 **Minnie:** Now be sure to follow the rules this time, or I’ll reach down your throat and pull out your stomach.

 **Terra:** Y-Y-Yes, m-ma’am.

 **Minnie:** *angelic smile* Oddly, the Unversed are also good at playing by the rules. Not sure how, maybe Vanitas actually feels like showing good sportsmanship occasionally, since that’s like the only explanation.

 **Chip:** Now if you want to dick around town first, that’s fine with us.

 **Dale:** Just come talk to me whenever you’re ready to get on with this very important plot point.

 **Disney Town title card:** No, seriously, the outcome of this segment will actually have far-reaching consequences, it’s kind of depressing.

 **Terra:** *dicks around collecting items, fucking up at Fruitball, and doing infinitely better on Ice Cream Beat than anyone thought possible* I am getting so many fantastic scores right now… *unlocks Hand In Hand* …There was _another_ song? *checks online* There’s another song for the Final Mix version. How ‘bout that.

 **Yoko Shimomura:** Yeah, I figured I’d apologize for the It’s A Small World remix by throwing in some good old-fashioned nostalgia.

 **Terra:** It sure is working wonders! *gets fantastic on everything except Destiny Islands and Hand In Hand, both on Master mode* Eh, I’ll get those two once I finish my section or whatever. *eventually goes back to the raceway once he’s leveled up enough to be satisfied, and finishes the race perfectly since he’s played it so many times in Mirage Arena so who even gives a shit*

 **Pete:** Okay, what the shit were the duck triplets doing in the race just then, they threw off my groove! *jumps back onto his cart and races away through the actual area where no Unversed show up for some reason*

 **Chip:** I honestly don’t know how this particular persona is supposed to pretend to try and win the Million Dreams Award.

 **Terra:** The what now?

 **Minnie:** The Citizen of the Festival Award. Mickey keeps winning, but he's out of town this week.

 **Terra:** Oh, so it’s a popularity contest.

 **Minnie:** Why does everyone keep saying that?! It’s a contest where people vote on who they believe is the nicest person on the planet!

 **Terra:** Yeah, a popularity contest. Just do really cool things. Like winning. That's all you apparently have to do.

 **Chip:** Well Pete's still the least popular around here so he knew no one would vote for him, which is why he’s using dumb disguises.

 **Terra:** And sometimes doling out advantages and disadvantages on the Command Board, I know.

 **Dale:** The what now?

 **Terra:** Never mind.

 **Minnie:** It sucks that he’s only doing “good” shit for the award, though.

 **Terra:** Oh for the love of — Altruism doesn’t fucking exist! It’s just something we made up to feel better about ourselves!

 **Minnie:** I really don’t know how being the best at racing is supposed to make us consider him a good person anyway.

 **Terra:** _Because it’s a fucking popularity contest and he probably thinks being the fastest will make him popular._

 **Dale:** That’s stupid, and you’re stupid for making me think that. And now I’m stupid.

 **Chip:** Well you didn’t really need any help with that.

 **Dale:** Oh that’s just—

 **Chip:** But I know I’m voting for Terra 

**Dale:** But Terra's not even a registered citizen. SHOW ME HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

 **Chip:** No, and I don't care, nationalism's a toxic concept that should be done away with anyway; it only ensures that we look down on others just for being born in a different location through no fault of their own. I _will_ vote for Terra for not actually killing any of the monsters on the race track and ensuring they would live to race another day!

 **Terra:** Yeah, just keep saying it, that’ll make it suddenly make sense. Still, at least I learned something too. I learned that you must always keep to the rules even if breaking them or even bending them would ensure that millions of lives would be saved. Now it’s time to burn all my Harry Potter books for implying otherwise!

 **Minnie:** That’s the spirit!

 **Terra:** I’m so glad that some stupid race I didn’t even want to go through with made me realize that darkness isn’t good, and I'm sorry for comparing your town to dick poison.

~BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!~

 **Player:** …Wait, I thought I was done, what’s happening.

 **Terra:** What is even the timeline for this, I thought my section happened first, are Ventus and Aqua both on planet right now and we all just keep missing each other as we complete separate mini-games?

 **Horace:** This is the third time you’ve played within the same difficulty with the last character, so this means you get to see the “Who Won” cutscene thing!

 **Aqua:** But I didn’t even beat my section of the game yet, how is Terra winning now?

 **Ventus:** Ah shit, are we all gonna have to play out of order or whatever in order to get all the cutscenes in the cinema mode or whatever it’s called?

 **Chip:** Oh shut up already, you two aren’t even here right now.

 **Dale:** I wonder if our votes even matter in the end.

 **Huey:** Okay, I know none of us voted for ourselves, but maybe others voted for us as thanks for creating so many new ice cream flavors?

 **Dewey:** That would be neat, I guess. Not sure how just doing our jobs counts as altruism, though.

 **Louie:** What’re you talking about, ice cream is happiness in food form, and we should be very proud! Wonder Woman said so!

 **Minnie:** ALL RIGHT, BITCHES, LISTEN UP! Who wants to see who won the trophy!

 **Daisy:** …Probably them?

 **Pete:** *is now back in the Captain Justice outfit* Just give me my award. COME ON, WHILE I’M YOUNG!

 **Minnie:** So somehow there’s a three-way tie.

 **Huey, Dewey, and Louie:** *have their fingers crossed*

 **Minnie:** Yeah, Ventus, Aqua, and Terra get it. I’m sure all of you are surprised.

 **Horace:** YEAH, I VOTED FOR AQUA!

 **Huey, Dewey, and Louie:** And we voted for Ventus!

 **Chip and Dale:** And we voted for Terra!

 **Terra:** …Three and two and one? Shouldn’t Ventus have won, then?

 **Pete:** That’s right, I voted for myself twice under two different names using both of those different names, which means I have four votes! Yes it’s cheating, but the numbers make more sense than this shit! Besides, I promise that this time I lied slightly less!

 **Horace:** Daisy and Minnie had votes too, you know.

 **Terra:** Which would mean that either myself or Aqua would still be down one vote for a tie to happen.

 **Pete:** *changes from the Captain Justice outfit to Captain Dark*

 **Huey:** Bad Pete versus Bad Pete.

 **Dewey:** Who’s the badderer?

 **Louie:** But who’s the dumberest?

 **Terra:** _How do you make the background do that._

 **Pete:** Not a clue!

 **Residents of Disney Town:** *all turn their back on him*

 **Minnie:** Pete, there are apparently other residents of Disney Town who voted for the three winners. Must be the enchanted broomsticks or something. Or maybe we gave Pluto a vote, sure, let’s go with that.

 **Terra:** _Oh,_ now I see how the votes added up, okay.

 **Minnie:** Look, I get that you were trying to do good, but you were doing good for stupid reasons.

 **Terra:** So? It’s still doing good!

 **Minnie:** But it was for stupid reasons!

 **Terra:** THAT COULD BE THE BEST REASON THOUGH!

 **Patton Oswalt:** What if I one thousand percent believed, and I believe this a thousand percent, what if I believed that there was a giant, invisible anus hovering over me, and if I wasn’t nice and helpful, and courteous and charitable to everyone I met, the anus would appear, suck me up into it, and I would be devoured by shit piranhas. And I believe this a thousand percent. I would be the nicest guy you ever _met!_ You’d be like, “Patton, you’re so helpful and charitable and courteous to people, why is that?” And I would go, “It’s funny you should ask me that! You can’t see it, but there’s an invisible anus hovering over me, and if I’m not nice to everybody, it will appear and suck me up, and I’d be eaten — I don’t need to tell you about the shit piranhas, we all know about those, right?” Your correct response would be: “I acknowledge you believe that; that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Please do not stop believing in the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, because you’re actually helping people out with your craziness. Don’t stop believing in that stuff, please, I beg you.”

 **Minnie:** …Well apparently you’re not the only one who thought that, because each of Pete’s alter-egos did in fact get more than two votes somehow.

 **Pete:** And yet I still didn’t win, so who cares, just gimme the award anyway, I wants it, I needs it, must have the precious, yadda yadda yadda.

 **Minnie:** Oh my goodness! You gave a verbal backhand to those who voted for you in a stupid competition for a lousy prize! This is tantamount to causing the Holocaust!

 **Pete:** …Seriously? _This_ is where you think that I crossed the line? Because I badmouthed some folks?

 **Minnie:** THAT’S IT. TEN YEARS IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE WITH NO CHANCE OF PAROLE.

 **Pete:** …Okay, you’ve definitely gone power-mad.

 **Minnie:** My broomstick guards will now escort you to the Shadow Realm so you can think about what you’ve done!

 **Pete:** Why aren’t I running from these extremely slow-moving guards — HOLY FUCK HOW ARE THEY LIFTING ME LIKE THIS NONE OF THEM ARE PHYSICALLY TOUCHING ME I’M LEVITATING SLIGHTLY ABOVE THEIR HANDS WHAT THE CRAP IS GOING ON THIS IS REALLY A HARSH PUNISHMENT DON’T WE HAVE REGULAR HOLDING CELLS WITHIN THIS DIMENSION YOU CAN THROW ME IN FOR A FEW HOURS WHY YOU BE HATIN’ YO.

 **Minnie:** *turns back to her subjects once Pete’s gone and speaks in a sugary tone* Now, shall we continue the ceremony?

 **Subjects:** *cowering in fear* Y-Y-Y-Yes, Y-Y-Y-Your M-M-Magesty…

 **Minnie:** Yo, Ventus, Aqua, Terra, get yo bitch asses up here.

 **Terra:** *walks onstage*

 **Minnie:** Oh dear, it looks like our other two winners couldn’t stand to do nothing but continuously play with these amusements and listen to horrible loud annoying continuously looping music for hours on end just to see if they won some meaningless prize they didn’t want in the first place. What a pity.

 **Terra:** It _is_ a pity, I would’ve liked to apologize to Aqua and to finally listen to whatever Ven’s been wanting to talk to me about for literally the entire game.

 **Minnie:** We’re gonna shove ice cream down your throat in their stead, m’kay? You did get the highest scores on the most songs in Ice Cream Beat, after all. Conglaturations or whatever.

 **Disney Town residents:** Oh. Well that’s just dandy.

 **Minnie:** Now here’s one of the ice creams that only you can make in your run-down: Rockin’ Crunch Ice Cream!

 **Horace:** Oh my, I wish _I_ could get off-planet to gather exotic ingredients!

 **Chip:** Looks like vanilla and caramel inside broken pieces of chocolate that may or may have nuts in them.

 **Dale:** Here’s hoping you’re not allergic to peanuts!

 **Terra:** I’m not, I just don’t like the taste, and frankly nor do I like caramel.

 **Minnie:** YOU’LL EAT IT AND LIKE IT!

 **Terra:** Y-Yes, Your Magesty! *takes a bite offscreen while the camera pans to the watching crowd so the designers don’t have to animate a dent in the ice cream model like they easily did with the sea salt ice cream two games ago, though to be fair those had a much more simplistic design*

 **Minnie:** Honest opinion?

 **Terra:** Do you really want it?

 **Minnie:** No, I only want to hear what I want to hear.

 **Terra:** Then it’s great.

 **Minnie:** Okay, you can leave now.

 **Terra:** THANK FUCKING CHRIST.

~And now for something completely different.~

 **Pete:** …Am I really trapped in the Shadow Realm or did the queen blast me off into space without any kind of protection.

 **Maleficent:** Pretty much, yeah.

 **Pete:** …Not three minutes in and I’m already hearing voices. Great.

 **Maleficent:** I assure you, I’m quite real.

 **Pete:** I instantly believe you.

 **Maleficent:** Follow my instructions and I’ll probably be able to free you within the next ten years and several months probably.

 **Pete:** Sure, but…why.

 **Maleficent:** I don’t really have much say in the matter, for some reason the writers wanted me to have a bumbling minion and you’re as bumbling as they come.

 **Pete:** You know, when you put it like that, this sounds like shit.

 **Maleficent:** Okay, just take this Dark Corridor I’m creating right now and it will lead you to not actually show up until Days for some reason. I won’t even be around during that time, so you can help try to take over the universe in the meantime I guess.

 **Pete:** Neat. *goes through Dark Corridor*

~…Okay, you gotta admit, Minnie was pretty fucking harsh just then.~

 **Terra:** *is back in space* YES GUILTY PLEASURE PLANET TIME. *goes to Olympus*

 **Buckle Bruiser:** *bashes Hercules in the face*

 **Hercules:** *falls to the ground* Damn it, I have ridiculous god-like strength, why am I failing?!

 **Terra:** Because these guys can’t be attacked from the front unless it’s with magic. Don’t worry, I got this, I know magic. *wipes out all of the respawning Unversed*

 **Hercules:** Well now I feel inadequate.

 **Terra:** Chillax, bro, I’ve been at this for years and I somehow know you just started, you’ll get there. *gives him a hand up*

 **Hercules:** Fair enough. I’ll just have to really start smashing pots. You know, you seem to be pretty good at slaughtering freaks of nature. Are you here to enter the tournament? We somehow roped said monsters into groups within the tournament as well and for some reason they’re complying with all our rules and staying right where there supposed to, when they’re not attacking the town or chillaxing just outside, of course. I’m sure we’ll get the science of it down within the next decade or so.

 **Terra:** Wow, here too, huh? Also what kind of tournament are we talking here?

 **Hercules:** Whoever comes out on top is the strongest or whatever. _Lot_ of murder going on here. One day, I’ll be consistently winning the tournament on a daily basis, barring spiky-haired interference of course, and become a true hero simply by winning tournaments and not saving people at all because that’s how heroes work.

 **Phil:** GET YOUR FAT ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW OR YOU’LL BE DOING LAPS FOR A MONTH!

 **Hercules:** …So I gotta go, like, right now…The Coliseum’s just up the side of that mountain if you wanna enter the tournament. I hope I get to see you go on a killing spree again soon! *runs off*

 **Terra:** A tournament, huh…FUCK IT, I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

 **Olympus Coliseum title card:** Don’t you have to kill Vanitas and get rid of the Unversed once and for all—

 **Terra:** I can’t hear you over the sound of there being absolutely nothing near Thebes and a cutscene triggering the second I step into the next area meaning I didn’t have to actually switch back to gameplay at all I HATE IT WHEN THEY FUCKING DO THIS.

 **Hades:** Okay what am I even doing here and do I know Hercules is still alive, I’m not supposed to find that out until Meg meets him for the first time. Ah who cares, I just need to sway a few more people to the dark side so they can help me take over Olympus in a few years even though all I really need are the Titans. Oh good, some random guy over there, I guess I’ll use him.

 **Terra:** Hmm, tournament doesn’t look _too_ challenging now that I can apparently read Ancient Greek.

 **Hades:** You are one pathetic mess, you know that?

 **Terra:** HOLY FUCKING FLYING FUCKBALLS YOUR HAIR’S ON FIRE.

 **Hades:** Yeah, it does that, don’t worry about it.

 **Terra:** BUT YOUR HEAD’S ON FUCKING _FIRE._

 **Hades:** And you’re easily manipulated by people with transparently evil intentions. I don’t judge you, you shouldn’t judge me, deal?

 **Terra:** What are you talking about? And also who are you.

 **Hades:** Name’s Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi how ya doing? So you’re apparently trying to trample the darkness inside of you, I know psychically because I am indeed that awesome, and I’m here to tell you that that would be a terrible move on your part.

 **Terra:** I disagree.

 **Hades:** I disagree with your disagreement. _Everyone’s_ got darkness inside them aside from those princesses we somehow never count when we have this discussion, am I right? It’s nothing to be ashamed of; it’s perfectly natural, honest. And if you use it with some regularity and learn to control it, it won’t harm anyone you don’t want it to, you with me? But if you keep it bottled up inside, the pressure will just build and build until you probably implode from the pressure of it or whatever. Like repressing a negative emotion for too long, or going an extended time without masturbating. Bad shit all around. Now I’m thinking that I can personally train you in how to control it because if anyone knows darkness it’s the Lord of the Dead. Just ignore that shit about how I’m really just a neutral party that isn’t actually Satan, that doesn’t apply here, Disney’s running the show and we have to play by their rules.

 **Terra:** Uh-huh, so I know I have darkness inside me and I would indeed like to channel it to serve the light at the very least.

 **Hades:** Great! So sign up for the current tournament. I know, sounds lame, but if you just unleash all that pent-up darkness in a controlled environment you’ll end up being a lot more relaxed and be able to work on how to control it in a less-controlled environment later on. And I’ll be there to give you tips whenever you need it. I don’t even think you’ll need that much; you’re already _so_ talented, after all. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to darkness. Yes, I know I basically just admitted to being the bad guy, but even people who despise this movie agree that I’m the best damn thing about it, even if in real life I'm literal human garbage, so I don’t think anyone can blame you for falling for my awesomeness. Just make sure to decide as quickly as possible, we got a schedule to keep here.

 **Terra:** And if I decide to go to a different planet and dick around in the Mirage Arena for hours on end and only come back here to gather ice cream ingredients?

 **Hades:** Fuck it, I don’t care, the plot continues when you say it continues.

 **Terra:** I thought you had a schedule.

 **Hades:** Come on, man. I know I keep changing my story every two seconds, but you’re supposed to be the one who was stuck in Disney Town the longest since you accepted the award when the other two weren’t there, and yet here you are, somehow arriving on this planet first. This game makes no fucking sense whatsoever, kid. *goes inside the vestibule*

 **Terra:** *actually does dick around in the Mirage Arena for a bit and only comes back to Olympus to gather ice cream ingredients before deciding to move on with the plot* All right, let’s do this, I wanna learn shit.

 **Hades:** Hang on, I legit have to do paperwork right now. I know, it’s the worst. *summons quill and parchment* Hey what’s your name, anyway?

 **Terra:** Terra.

 **Hades:** OH I GET IT BECAUSE YOU’RE AN EARTHBENDER. I’m just gonna eyeball your height and weight, hope that’s okay…What the shit is the What’s Your Favorite God question doing on here? Who _wouldn’t_ write my name after seeing the movie?! Okay, at least it was only those four questions and nothing else matters. So I sense that the darkness inside you is broiling fit to burst by now, so just head on inside, murder some shit, and by the time you’re done you’ll be able to use it fine at your own leisure, capisce? And hey, if you fuck up, I’m a god, I’ll handle it no problem, yadda yadda, we dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy, whaddaya say, come on.

 **Terra:** Sure, fine, whatever.

 **Hades:** Awesome, just don’t look back at my evil laugh, okay?

 **Terra:** Got it! *fights his way through a shitton of Unversed* Huh, I didn’t shockingly notice that the Unversed were here and feel the need to announce what they were the whole time I was here. That’s…like the only time that’s ever happened, I think. This is…this is a little weird for me. *fights his way to the final match and for some reason finds himself back in the vestibule* …Why did the tournament only kick me back here for a free rest now, that’s fucking weird. Yo Hades, we continuing with me fighting normally as I always do or what?

 **Hades:** Yeah, sure, go on in. *watches Terra go on in* Okay, he’s just fighting like he always does. I don’t even think he has Dark Haze equipped and that’s like his darkest attack. _Now_ what am I supposed to do?

 **Zack:** Erm, would you mind stepping out of the way? I’m in this next fight and I don’t want to be late.

 **Hades:** Yeah, sure, go on ahead — Wait a minute…Hey, kid!

 **Zack:** ‘Sup?

 **Hades:** _Imperio._

 **Terra:** *is waiting patiently inside the arena* Stiiiiiill don’t see what any of this has to do with conquering the darkness in my heart or whatever…Oh hey cool, my opponent finally decides to show up.

 **Zack:** *walks forward and draws his sword* My eyes are as dead as Ven’s were when you first met him.

 **Terra:** I will not notice this.

 **Information:** Defeat the mysterious soldier!

 **Terra:** OH I GET IT, IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE HE’S FROM SOLDIER. *defeats him readily*

 **Zack:** *collapses and his helmet falls off* Ooh, I fell on my keys…

 **Terra:** Yay I win. Still don’t feel any different. *starts to walk away*

 **Zack:** Hey, who says I actually lost? *gets back up*

 **Terra:** I did? Just now? By beating you?

 **Zack:** Not quite. *crackles with dark sexual energy and lunges at Terra*

 **Terra:** *dodges instead of fights back* Dude, I beat you, just let it go! *blocks a downward blow with Treasure Trove* Holy shit you’re stronger now.

 **Zack:** Yeah, apparently the Imperius Curse gives you a strength boost.

 **Terra:** The Imperius Curse?

 **Zack:** That’s what I said. I’m trying to fight it but am clearly not doing a very good job.

 **Terra:** *flashes back to when he carved Aurora’s heart out of her chest cavity* Yeah, been there, not fun, don’t blame you at all.

 **Hades:** *poofs in* Yeah sure his will is under my thumb, but look at that power boost, eh? Wouldn’t you like a power boost as well, my good man?

 **Terra:** Damn it, this is like the sixth time I’ve been lied to by someone who is obviously a fucking villain!

 **Zack:** Quick…Give me…cognitive recalibration…

 **Terra:** …

 **Zack:** Hit me really hard on the head.

 **Terra:** Ah. *engages in a much harder boss fight but still eventually wins*

 **Zack:** THANK YOU FOR HITTING ME REALLY HARD ON THE HEAD. *collapses and all of the darkness surrounding him dissipates*

 **Thunderous applause:** *starts happening for some reason*

 **Terra:** …Where the crap is that applause coming from, there’s no one here. And who’s throwing that confetti?!

 **Hades:** Damn it, no one’s very good at this shit this game. Maybe in ten years or so I’ll start running into emo people, or at least ones that aren’t annoyingly optimistic. *leaves in a huff*

 **Zack:** Oh I am hurt, I am very much hurt…

 **Terra:** Where? Where does it hurt?

 **Zack:** Oh, pretty much around the big, bloody spot. But hey, least I’m not being mind-controlled anymore. Where’d Hades go off to, anyway?

 **Terra:** Iunno, I just know I don’t have to fight him as a boss fight apparently. Kind of a let-down, but you were still pretty tough.

 **Zack:** Damn it, I know the Imperius Curse is notoriously hard to throw off, but I still feel like a weakling for not being able to. *graciously accepts Terra’s hand up* Thanks…Whatever Your Name Is.

 **Terra:** Which is Terra.

 **Zack:** Thanks, Terra. I’m Zack. *takes a closer look at Terra* Apart from the stupid haircut, you’d make a great hero-figure-type-thing. Pity that’s the only department I beat you in. Also you’ve got strength of heart or something.

 **Terra:** *turns away* Dude, you have no idea how close I’ve come to turning evil time and time again. That’s not heroic, that’s villainous.

 **Zack:** I am disbelief. Just listen to the applause from all those nonexistent people!

 **Terra:** Yeah that’s kind of been freaking me out, where the fuck is it coming from considering there’s no one fucking here?

 **Zack:** Iunno, I think Phil has an applause track playing somewhere, it’s the only thing that makes sense. And the applause track thinks you’re a good guy. Because you won a tournament. Which is apparently all it takes these days. So…embrace the fact that you’re a good guy for realzies. You’ll always be a good guy to me after that cognitive recalibration, at any rate. *punches Terra’s shoulder* Too bad I couldn’t actually fight you of my own free will, though. I seriously wonder what that would be like…

 **Terra:** *punches Zack in the shoulder* There’s a level in the Mirage Arena where I’ll get to fight you and Hades at the same time. I think. I’ll have to fight my way through all of it to find out.

 **Zack:** Cool, and while you do that…don’t enjoy this D-Link with me because you can’t use D-Links in that arena, but enjoy using it everywhere else!

 **Mark of a Hero:** Also enjoy the first new Keyblade you got in a while.

 **Terra:** Oh I shall!

~…Well that was short.~


	26. Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Dude Nier: Automata Is So Good You Guys:** TFS Gaming, Super Best Friends Play, _The Hobbit, Farscape, Pokémon,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Avatar: The Lost Airbender,_ None Piece, _How to Train Your Dragon, Dexter’s Lab, Superman: At Earth’s End,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~OKAY SO MAYBE I'M REGRETTING NOT GETTING THE GIANT STITCH PLUSHIE FUCK YOU.~

**Terra:** *is flying through space staring at his Wayfinder which somehow isn’t flying out of his hands*

**Shitton of Jellyshades:** *are just kind of floating there*

**Terra:** TIME TO MURDER BUTTS! *murders all their butts with his space flyer thing of space which still makes sense because it’s still technically his transfigured Keyblade*

**Prison Transport Durgon:** *flies overhead*

**Terra:** *gets dragged up by either gravity or a tractor beam or something*

**Deep Space title card:** *watches the ship fly into the light* Now wasn’t that wacky?

**Grand Councilwoman and Captain Gantu:** *are now walking along the prison block on Tuvo and take one of the lifts to a cell higher up*

**Grand Councilwoman:** So we just kind of ran over him or something?

**Captain Gantu:** Yyyyyyep! I know we should probably take him to a hospital but fuck it, we don’t even know his physiology and we can tort…interrog…question him better in this facility anyway.

**Terra:** I AM AWAKE. Why am I in prison. Also where did those two go — Oh, they’re on the floor again. Jesus Christ, what even _are_ those things. Are these actual aliens? Man, hope they never invade Disney Town. The last thing you want is an alien race that's coming after you and they're super right to come after you.

**Captain Gantu:** WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A WEAPON.

**Grand Councilwoman:** BECAUSE FUCK YOU.

**Captain Gantu:** Whatever, I’ll hold them off. Except I won’t and will just run away now. WHEEEEEE!

**Grand Councilwoman:** Run, Captain Gantu. Be the coward you were always meant to be. I am a huge coward and I can teach you.

**Unversed:** I can teach you my coward ways.

**Terra:** Unversed!

**Player:** *takes shot*

**Terra:** Now to finally show that my giant Key can unlock anything! *uses Mark of a Hero to get himself out and slaughters all the Unversed* Thank Merlin everything breathes oxygen.

**Dr. Jumba:** Dude that was hype.

**Terra:** Thank you and good-bye.

**Dr. Jumba:** Wait, wait! You gotta let me outta here! I was framed! Framed, I tells ya!

**Terra:** Why, what did they accuse you of?

**Dr. Jumba:** Illegal genetic experimentation used to create unnatural, unholy life forms.

**Terra:** Look at this science nerd.

**Dr. Jumba:** Well, in space, you want science nerds around.

**Terra:** Yeah, it's true. So did you? Do the thing?

**Dr. Jumba:** …LIKE ONE TIME! I am not only one, you know! Platypuses were invented by Australians to smuggle drugs back to England.

**Terra:** ...That's...No.

**Dr. Jumba:** Look, creature I created is highly destructive being that could help you get rid of those monsters just now!

**Terra:** Those monsters I just took out without breaking a sweat due to forty-one being ridiculously overleveled for this world even on Critical?

**Dr. Jumba:** Exactly, you don’t want to pass this up! I programmed him to be indestructible, possess super strength, and be highly intelligent all at once! And because I made a living weapon, the Space Council of Space fears him for some reason, so they took him away and threw me in here for “unethical scientific experimentation.” PHILISTINES!

**Terra:** Well yeah, people don’t like what they don’t understand; in fact it scares them, and this monster sounds mysterious at least.

**Dr. Jumba:** Exactly. Everyone always fears what they themselves cannot control. Is bullshit. You unconsciously feeling kinship with my creation, perhaps?

**Terra:** *stares down at Mark of a Hero and undoubtedly contemplating the darkness in his heart or whatever*

**Dr. Jumba:** We must rescue Experiment 626 quickly or he will be banished to even deeper space than Deep Space!

**Terra:** I don’t know…I’ve been tricked by people before…In fact it makes detecting the villain really easy…

**Dr. Jumba:** Oh I’m not nearly as big a problem as that Gantu, though! If you ask me, he’s the _real_ antagonist! Either that or this movie not really have real antagonist.

**Terra:** You know what? That’s fair. Take me to your creation.

**Dr. Jumba:** Now that’s more like it! *is freed offscreen* Now then, I am Dr. Jumba Jookiba, the evil genius who created Experiment 626, here again playing the same role.

**Terra:** Awesome, I love it when that happens. I’m Terra.

**Dr. Jumba:** Excellent. Now, we must away, ere break of day, to find long forgotten abomination!

**Terra:** Hang on a second, though. *jumps around within the prison cell, collecting items and stickers and things* FUCK YES HIGH JUMP AT LONG FUCKING LAST…Why did they imprison the fucking _treasure chests?_ Dr. Jumba? Dr. Jumba! Huh, I guess he vanished until the next cutscene starts. *goes outside and makes his way onto the Prison Transport and all the way through the ship until he comes to a room that Aqua and Ventus can never get into probably*

**Experiment 626:** *growls at them from inside glass case type thing that he somehow can’t smash I guess because he doesn’t have a little girl to save*

**Dr. Jumba:** Isn’t he amazeballs?

**Terra:** Whoa whoa whoa, how the fuck did you get here?

**Dr. Jumba:** I have been here entire time.

**Terra:** …No you haven’t.

**Dr. Jumba:** Yes, I have.

**Terra:** …No, you really haven’t. I would’ve noticed.

**Dr. Jumba:** Let us not argue over semantics. So what you think of my greatest creation?

**Terra:** I WANT TO TAKE HIM HOME WITH ME.

**Dr. Jumba:** I know, right? PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS, itty-bitty living space. He is the strongest character ever created by Disney that doesn’t have magic powers probably, and his only goal in life is to destroy everything he touches! *spins Stitch’s cage around*

**Terra:** So he _is_ evil.

**Dr. Jumba:** Eh, just a little — Oh dren, I open his cage.

**Terra:** …Why.

**Dr. Jumba:** Iunno.

**Experiment 626:** *leaps up and grabs onto Terra, crawling all over him before jumping off, orange Wayfinder in hand*

**Terra:** Oi! GIMME!

**Dr. Jumba:** Too late. Is going to be smashed to itty-bitty pieces.

**Terra:** No, stop! My friend who personally betrayed me with her lack of trust gave me that! I still refuse to acknowledge that she was only following the orders of someone she trusted and it’s the Master that I should really be mad at!

**Dr. Jumba:** 626 has no concept of whatever it is you’re talking about. I doubt he even understands language we are speaking at this point! *collapses onto his back with laughter*

**Experiment 626:** *drops Wayfinder in disgust and fucks off*

**Terra:** How did it not shatter, did Aqua really put some magic into this so it wouldn’t break if dropped? Also I now acknowledge that I don’t have to do everything by myself and must rely on the power of friendship from here on out. Which is why I’ll be taking the next planet alone as well and when we get to the finale I’ll be leaving Aqua and Ven behind to fight their own solo battles. Yo, are you sure Experiment 626 doesn’t just want a friendly-friend to hang out with?

**Dr. Jumba:** Impossible! I programmed him to lack empathy!

**Terra:** I think you underestimate the power of adorable six-year-olds.

**Dr. Jumba:** Fine! I show you other experiment! *takes out little green ball*

**Terra:** …One, I thought 626 was the only one you made. Two, how did they not take that away from you when they threw you into that cell. Three, did you pull that out of your ass?

**Dr. Jumba:** Shut up it's fine.

**Terra:** M'kay. Four, how come you never used this in the original movie.

**Dr. Jumba:** Shut up and watch amazingness. *puts green ball into flask of water*

**Terra:** AND WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FLASK.

**Dr. Jumba:** …I don’t really know.

**Flask of water:** *shines with bright light and spits out Experiment 221*

**iheartmwpp:** …Clearly I have to watch the sequel and the TV show now. *doesn't*

**Terra:** *summons Mark of a Hero* I’d like to give Experiment 626 a chance at making friends and stuff, but Experiment 221 can apparently just go straight to hell. Where I’m about to send him. Right now.

**Experiment 221:** *is adorable, yellow, and can shoot electricity at people. THIS CAN’T BE DERIVATIVE OF ANYTHING*

**Guns hanging from ceiling:** *spring to life and start firing at Terra*

**Terra:** Okay, guns firing at my face? Not cool. Especially when I thought they could only be activated my someone’s genetic signature. Why wasn’t that already activated for Experiment 626, he was already a prisoner here! *beats the shit out of 221 until he dead* Oh yay, I learned the Thunderbolt command style from that, heh, I get it.

**Dr. Jumba:** Well at least it’s taken form of tiny marble again. I wonder how come 626 can’t do that, it would’ve made evading law so much easier.

**Terra:** I’m rather cross with you right now.

**Dr. Jumba:** …Yeah, I could sense that.

**Experiment 626:** *creeps back over to them*

**Dr. Jumba:** …The hell’re you doing back here?

**Experiment 626:** Meega, nala KWEESTA!

**Dr. Jumba:** *hastily* I didn’t teach him that!

**Terra:** I don’t even know what that means, I just assume he wants to know about the power of friendship, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL!

**Dr. Jumba:** I will vomit if you keep this up.

**Terra:** Hi! I’m Terra.

**Experiment 626:** …Ter…ra.

**Terra:** Nice! Anyway, I can’t explain friendship. When you feel it, you’ll know it. It’ll be like ohana.

**Experiment 626:** O…hana?

**Terra:** I’m not even gonna tell you, 626, you’ll find out soon enough.

**Dr. Jumba:** No he won’t. I will reprogram him to be better weapon and…I don’t even know if I have any real enemies that need destroying or if I just like watching carnage from afar which is why I make all these monsters, my motivation not really having an explanation.

**Experiment 626:** *snarls at him*

**Random person over the intercom:** WARNING! WE ARE JUST NOW GETTING THE MESSAGE THAT THREE PRISONERS HAVE ESCAPED, TWO FROM THE PRISON BLOCK AND ONE FROM OUR SPECIALIZED CELL, YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE GUNS. SOMEONE SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK INTO THAT.

**Experiment 626:** *fucks off*

**Dr. Jumba:** Hey, wait up! *also fucks off*

**Terra:** I think I made a new friend in Experiment 626. Time to leave him at the mercy of the guards who want to banish him to the farthest reaches of space and save my own ass. WHEEEEE! *summons Mark of a Hero and unlocks portal into space while he puts his armor on* Ven, Aqua…I’ll find some way to make things right. By killing our master after this next planet probably. Should be fun. *stops staring at Wayfinder and flies into space*

**Experiment 626:** Terra! D-Link!

**Terra:** Sweetness.

**Hyperdrive:** Is this Keyblade design fucking weird or what?

**Terra:** Even more sweetness.

~It’s at this point that the game seems to just fly by aside from leveling up.~

**Terra:** *stares at Neverland* …Let’s get this bullshit over with, I guess. *lands and immediately runs into Hook and Smee being attacked by Unversed* …Really?

**Captain Hook:** Why am I convinced that everything’s out to steal me treasure and I’m always worried about that as opposed to my personal safety?

**Terra:** Don’t worry, I got this. *wipes them all out* Was I fighting totem poles because Native Americans live here? I just got that. Wonder how additionally racist that is.

**Captain Hook:** WE HAD EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. Am I right, Smee?

**Smee:** No you are not, so thank you so much for helping us, whoever you are.

**Terra:** Pleasure was all mine.

**Captain Hook:** …Fine, thanks, but I’m not giving you a share of me treasure!

**Terra:** I never asked for one. In fact I’ve sold so many of the commands I keep picking up that I’m kind of rolling in it right now so I’ve got no problem with not getting paid. Anyway, I’m looking for a boy wearing a mask, something I haven’t asked after in about three planets because it’s just that important to me. You know the guy?

**Captain Hook:** No, none of the boys we know generally wear masks.

**Terra:** Yeah, I didn’t think he’d ever show up to this planet anyway.

**Captain Hook:** Smee, we must away, ere break of day. I think it’s the light that draws them, really.

**Terra:** Light, you say?

**Captain Hook:** *grins evilly when Terra’s not looking* Y-Yes, of course. We managed to contain light in a box because of course we can do that, and I know a young man who will definitely want to steal it for his own dark purposes.

**Terra:** And he definitely doesn’t wear a mask? Or a motorcycle helmet?

**Captain Hook:** What’s a motorcycle?

**Terra:** Okay, I’ll be a bodyguard. Who am I keeping the light safe from again?

**Captain Hook:** Peter Pan. And I refuse to give you a physical description or warn you that he can fly.

**Terra:** That’s fine, I’ve got no problem forgetting about how you were worried about your treasure earlier and will never insist on taking a peek inside the chest to confirm that what you’re saying is true. *shakes head* Seriously, why do I always run into villains first and why am I so easily duped like this?

**Neverland title card:** Hopefully this is the last time, it’s starting to get annoying.

**Captain Hook:** But yeah, we’ll take the chest offscreen and meet you at Skull Rock, which we will refuse to tell you the location of because fuck you.

**Terra:** Follow the straight line that is the level design, got it. *watches Hook walk off and Smee and the chest somehow disappear offscreen* AND NOW TO DICK AROUND THE ENTIRE PLANET APPARENTLY WHEEEEEEEEEEE~! *makes his way around the entire island before heading to Skull Rock* Wow, this is a pretty cool location that can only be accessed by me. Might as well check it out fully before moving onto anything plot related — ARE THOSE PRIZE PODS?! *collects the last of the ice cream ingredients that he needs and hightails it back to Disney Town as fast as possible* YEAH SWEETSTACK WHY ARE YOU STRONGER THAN ANY OTHER WEAPON I POSSESS YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS and also I kind of want to eat my Keyblade now how are Huey Dewey and Louie able to manufacture Keychains this strong and why do they get rid of them in ten years also how come they don’t even age in ten years. *goes back to Neverland and actually goes inside Skull Rock to find Hook and Smee waiting for him*

**Captain Hook:** Well done. You entered a room.

**Terra:** Thanks. I’m gonna check out this cave. *looks around* Damn it, there are like three whole chests I won’t be able to get to until this scene’s over! I want to get ‘em _now_ so I don’t have to think about them!

**Smee:** So I swear I wasn’t drinking too much rum, I honestly saw a shooting star fall not too far from here!

**Captain Hook:** *drags hand across face* I’m gonna have to institute some form of prohibition, aren’t I.

**Smee:** Look, Cap’n, most shooting stars twinkle for a bit before going out.

**Captain Hook:** It’s space debris burning up in the atmosphere, I know, I’m familiar with the concept, Mr. Smee.

**Smee:** Exactly! This one didn’t burn up on atmo! It kept falling and crashed into the island somewhere, still shining! What if it’s a giant meteorite or something that we can make space swords out of?!

**Captain Hook:** I LOVED THAT ARC IN AVATAR WHY DIDN’T YOU BRIBE ME WITH THAT REFERENCE EARLIER WE HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW! You, dude bro, we gotta go do a thing because things, can you keep doing the thing?

**Terra:** Why not, I don’t have friends to save.

**Captain Hook and Smee:** Awesome. *leave*

**Terra:** WHY AREN’T I LOOKING IN THE CHEST WHILE I’M WAITING THIS IS BULLSHIT.

**Peter Pan:** Okay, while Ven and Tink are checking out that shooting star, we’re gonna get the treasure, okay?

**Slightly and Cubby:** …Obviously…?

**Peter Pan:** Balls, he got himself a new crewmember. Bringing the entirety of his crew up to three, apparently. Eh, doesn’t matter, I’ll take him out and you guys grab the treasure. Don’t worry about the fall down, remember there’s no fall damage. *flies out*

**Terra:** *in a tone of dull surprise* Are you Peter Pan?

**Peter Pan:** What, the codfish didn’t give you a physical description?

**Terra:** Nor did he tell me about the flight thing. Anyway, you ain’t getting this light.

**Peter Pan:** …What the balls are you talking about.

**Terra:** I KICK YOUR ASS! *kicks his ass, something I've literally wanted to do my whole life*

**Peter Pan:** No worries, I didn’t even get all my health taken away!

**Terra:** Which is why you walking away from that fight makes more sense than most things. Still, I have to know what you want with this light.

**Peter Pan:** …What, is there a lantern inside or something?

**Slightly:** I AM LOUDLY TELEGRAPHING OUR LOCATION!

**Peter Pan:** I’m up to my tits in morons.

**Terra:** I am apparently not above beating up small children!

**Peter Pan:** Go ahead, they deserve it.

**Cubby:** *trips over his own feet and drops the chest*

**Slightly:** OH I AM HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

**Cubby:** Whoops.

**Terra:** …I’ve been guarding actual treasure this whole time, haven’t I. I should’ve known you couldn’t contain light in a fucking box, that’s just beyond stupid.

**Peter Pan:** I am laughing my ass off at your stupidity. This happen often?

**Terra:** That only happened a couple of thousands of times. I’m kind of getting sick of this gimmick.

**Peter Pan:** HA HA!

**Terra:** What were you going to do with money? What does anyone do with money here?

**Peter Pan:** I — hmm...

**Terra:** …So I’m sorry I beat the shit out of you earlier.

**Peter Pan:** *crosses his arms* Eh, at least I got beat up with ice cream. Defeat actually tastes pretty good! So what’s your name anyway?

**Terra:** Terra.

**Peter Pan:** *crosses arms again despite them being crossed already* Cool. You know where Hook went?

**Terra:** Off to kidnap Tink and nab Mickey’s Star Shard in the process.

**Peter Pan:** Shit, I gotta check up on her and Ven! You two, meet up with us once Ven’s kicked Hook’s ass! *flies off*

**Cubby:** Roger!

**Slightly:** Great, now we gotta lug this across the water.

**Terra:** You have fun with that, I’m fucking off. I got a D-Link with Pan anyway and I sure as hell don’t need that weaker Keyblade that…isn’t…appearing for some reason…Ah, who cares, I’m out. *leaves Skull Rock* Kinda weird how I didn’t get an actual boss fight, though — WHOA earthquake.

**Slightly:** TERRA, GET BACK IN HERE! WE NEED YOU TO FIGHT A BOSS FIGHT!

**Cubby:** Don’t worry too much, though, it’s not that difficult.

**Terra:** Okay, but I’m entering from higher up this time. *enters from higher up this time* YES, ARS SOLEM, THAT WAS THE LAST ATTACK I NEEDED. Aaaaaaand I just have to fight a bunch of Jellyshades again. That’s fine.

**Slightly and Cubby:** Yeah but we can’t fight ‘em so we’re running. *run away as a Jellyshade attacks the treasure chest*

**Terra:** That is also fine. *jumps down and kills them all pretty fucking easily*

**Slightly:** For some reason I still think there was only one monster. Guess this is proof that the script was written before the bosses were chosen for each character.

**Terra:** Hang on, someone’s coming.

**Captain Hook:** IS THERE ANYONE THERE WHO DOESN’T NEED TO BE? WOULD YOU LIKE AMPLE TIME TO HIDE BEFORE I MAKE MYSELF KNOWN?

**Terra:** Yeah you should go hide before he makes himself known.

**Slightly and Cubby:** Good idea. *run away*

**Terra:** NOPE, JUST ME!

**Captain Hook:** Awesome. Now check this shit out! I have a tiny woman locked in a cage! I do this every so often, it’s ever so fun watching her struggle!

**Terra:** Huh boy…May I see?

**Captain Hook:** Sure, fine, whatever. Not only do I have cannon balls firing at Pan even now, but now that I have his little girlfriend hostage he can’t ever get near me again! I may finally be able to kill a child this way! AH-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!

**Tinker Bell:** *kicks him in the nose*

**Terra:** Oh, look at that, she escaped.

**Captain Hook:** WHAT THE SHIT, TERRA?!

**Terra:** Uh, I’m not evil?

**Captain Hook:** And for that you must die.

**Terra:** *summons Sweetstack* Try me.

**Captain Hook:** …Did you just summon ice cream out of thin air? Also WHY THE FUCK IS THAT CROCODILE FUCKING EVERYWHERE TODAY I HATE EVERYTHING. *runs away*

**Slightly:** Well. Sure showed them what for.

**Terra:** …Is it _snowing_ inside this cave?

**Tinker Bell:** *is spreading pixie dust all over the place in joyous celebration, and _none_ of it is giving anyone the ability to fly, although it is giving Terra a flashback*

**Flashback Terra:** Have you forgotten this game’s fucked up mythos? Every star up there is supposed to be another world or something.

**Flashback Aqua and Flashback Ventus:** … *look at each other and burst out laughing*

**Flashback Aqua:** What mook made that up?

**Flashback Tetsuya Nomura:** YOU _DARE_ TO QUESTION MY VAST KNOWLEDGE OF THE UNIVERSE?!

**Flashback Aqua:** …No, sir, sorry, sir.

**Flashback Terra:** _Anyway,_ apparently the stars really are supposed to signify a shitload of different universes and stuff. Disney’s getting _really_ arrogant if they think they can make enough movies and franchises as there are stars in the sky. As is Sqeenix if they think they can make enough video games to create crossovers with. Also apparently planets have hearts, which makes complete and total sense and should not be questioned under any circumstances. And that’s what’s creating light rather than any kind of sun they might be orbiting around.

**Flashback Hitler clones:** Of COURSE! Don’t you know anything about _science?!_

**Flashback Ventus:** …I’m so fucking confused.

**Flashback Terra:** You’re really shiny and you practically glow every time you smile.

**Flashback Ventus:** Don’t you _dare_ encourage the slash fans this early!

**Flashback Terra:** Please, they’d already gotten started as soon as our names and designs were released.

**Flashback Ventus, Aqua, and Terra:** LET US NOW LAUGH AWKWARDLY.

**Flashback Starry sky:** …Hi. I exist.

**Terra:** *stops flashbacking* …We’re all having flashbacks to the beginning of the game in Neverland, aren’t we, I just noticed that.

**Cubby:** Yeah but in the meantime we lost all our shit.

**Slightly:** I don’t get it, did the monsters eat it, or…

**Terra:** Don’t worry, just pretend that they fell into the ocean while you were transporting the chest, you’ll have the pirates swimming frantically for months. Also friendship’s more important anyway, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

**Slightly:** Yeah, we know.

**Cubby:** We just don’t wanna get beaten by Pan again, but I like your idea, let’s run with it.

**Terra:** Yeah, and now you can use it as a storage space for shit you don’t really need anymore but can’t bear to part with because nostalgia and sentimental value.

**Slightly:** That’s a cunning plan you got there, we’re gonna take it and run with it. *runs off with Cubby, carrying the chest between them*

**Terra:** I would _definitely_ stash the Wayfinder in there, I don’t know why I’m having trouble in-game.

**Pixie Petal:** Okay, _now_ you’re done with the level, you can go beat the game now.

**Terra:** FINALLY.

~After, you know, the bad shit happens.~


	27. At

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **HEY HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING TODAY we're all probably gonna die because a “very stable genius” has the nuclear launch codes WHO WANTS JOKES ABOUT VIDEO GAMES:** _Naruto, Firefly,_ Super Best Friends Play, TFS Gaming, _Harry Potter, Gurren Lagann, Undertale,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Hey look, the actual main plot of the franchise!~

**Terra:** *is flying out in hyperspace* Huh, that’s a different light than the one in Deep Space. This one’s warmer somehow. Eh, might as well check it out. WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN. *lands on the beach on Destiny Islands* …Okay, this is a fucking idyllic paradise that no one in their right mind would ever want to leave. *sees a paupu fruit wash up and picks it up*

**Flashback Aqua voiceover:** So anyway, I heard of this island that grows star-shaped fruit, because that’s not unrealistic or anything.

**Terra:** *compares the paupu fruit to the Wayfinder* So this must be the planet she was talking about. This came from the tree up there. Which I could easily jump up to now that I finally have high jump, but instead I think I’ll just intrude on this dark little cabin area that may or may not be inhabited and that I don’t know for sure leads up to the bridge. Also for some reason it’s pitch black in here when there _should_ be a save point illuminating the place, but I guess that’s gonna take another ten years to install. Guess it makes for decent symbolism as I contemplate whether or not my friends are actually still my friends and what the hell I’m supposed to do from here. I know this is the last new planet in the entire game and from here on I’ll only be revisiting places I’ve already been, so I know we’re getting into the endgame, but just what is the endgame and how do I activate it? *exits the cabin with two small children suddenly right behind him*

**Sora:** Why aren’t we noticing the random tall stranger person right in front of us?

**Riku:** Who cares, let’s just sit on the palm tree.

**Sora:** Fine by me, I’m exhausted anyway.

**Terra:** Well those two are ungodly adorable. *almost leaves but is distracted* Why am I noticing the light within Riku but not within Sora, considering Sora’s the one who fixed Ven’s heart for him so he wouldn’t fade away and/or die horribly? Is it because I can sense Riku’s going to be less annoying and infinitely better-looking than the other boy and thus generate far more fan favor in the future? *actually does walk away*

**Sora:** Hey, my invisible dad’s here to pick us up! Riku, race ya back to the boat!

**Riku:** I thought you just said you couldn’t run anymore?

**Sora:** That was before we rested!

**Riku:** That was thirty seconds ago!

**Sora:** Hurry up or I’ll win at this rate! *runs off*

**Riku:** Meh, I don’t really wanna go home yet anyway. *walks along leisurely*

**Sora:** *finally notices Terra contemplating the waves and slows down but still passes by him*

**Riku:** *is suddenly caught up with Sora and turns to see Terra staring at him* For some reason I don’t find you creepy and do not find your sudden presence here disturbing in the slightest. Did you come here from a different planet, I somehow know about without Kairi having landed here yet?

**Terra:** …Why would you think I came from a different planet?

**Riku:** Because you’re not from the main island.

**Terra:** So? I could’ve come from another country or something.

**Riku:** What’s a country?

**Terra:** …Never mind.

**Sora:** *made it to the dock while they were talking, and of course no one’s there because why would they design Sora’s parents at any point ever*

**Terra:** So what’re you two doing out alone on this island? I ask the kid with no concept of stranger danger.

**Riku:** Oh, my friend’s dad sometimes takes us out to this island by boat and just leaves us here without any supervision even though we’re five and four and could drown/potentially hurt ourselves at any given time considering we’re _five and four._ Still, they at least have the sense to not let us row out here by ourselves until we actually build up the muscle strength to be able to do so, which’ll probably be in a few more years.

**Terra:** Must be hard, living on a planet where there’s apparently only one other island and the entire rest is just ocean and there’s an apparent lack of desire to try exploring to see if you’re wrong about being the only people on the planet.

**Riku:** I heard that long ago there was a kid who actually made it to space. *transforms into a younger Xehanort*

**Terra:** …What.

**Younger Xehanort:** *turns around and transforms into a sixteen-year-old modern-day Riku*

**Terra:** …Why do I keep getting these visions from the future?

**Riku:** *is now a little kid again* So how’d you get to this planet, anyway?

**Terra:** I’m gonna transparently avoid that and ask why you want to go to space.

**Riku:** Boy do I wish this movie'd existed when the first parody was written. *bursts into song*  
 _See the line where the sky meets the sea_  
 _It calls me_  
 _And no one knows_  
 _How far it goes_  
 _If the wind in my sail on the sea_  
 _Stays behind me_  
 _One day I'll know_  
 _How far I'll go_

**Terra:** ...I don't get it.

**Riku:** Wow you're dumb.

**Terra:** So I've been told.

**Riku:** Well the other thing is that I wanna become a sick badass one day. Like that other person who left. I bet he’s strong enough to be the main villain of the franchise by now.

**Terra:** And why do you want to be strong?

**Riku:** Well, I know you’re only truly strong when there’s something you want to protect, but having a little extra strength even before that probably helps.

**Terra:** …WELL THAT FUCKING PROVES IT. So I’m gonna flat-out tell you that there’s a huge-ass universe with an infinite number of planets out there. And by infinite I mean I’ve come across a total of thirteen. Also check out this shit. *summons Earthshaker* Figured I’d go with the standard since Sweetstack would probably ruin the effect. *bends down and holds the hilt out to Riku* As long as you take hold of a Keyblade at one point in your life, you’ll totally be able to use one someday. And then you’ll be able to go wherever the fuck you want, and remember: FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

**Riku:** *grabs hold of the Keyblade* …So am I the main character of the franchise now?

**Terra:** As long as you don’t open your heart to darkness and totally screw yourself over for like an entire year, you’ll be set.

**Riku:** Okay, sure hope I don’t forget that in ten years.

**Sora:** Riku! C’mon, stop talking to that stranger over there and get over here before my dad _actually_ shows up!

**Riku:** Be right there!

**Terra:** Just make sure not to tell anyone what just happened, okay? *does spooky spirit finger wiggles* Otherwise all the magic will wear off!

**Riku:** …You do realize how that’s going to sound, right?

**Terra:** Oh it’ll be _fine._ *ruffles his hair*

**Riku:** *laughs and runs down the beach*

**Sora:** *meets him halfway* So what did that stranger want? You were with him for a long time.

**Riku:** Can’t tell.

**Sora:** …Because he asked you not to?

**Riku:** Yep.

**Sora:** It looked like he was holding something in front of him and you reached out and touched it.

**Riku:** Yep.

**Sora:** And he asked you not to talk about it.

**Riku:** Yep.

**Sora:** …Do either of you two know how this sounds?

**Riku:** Oh it’ll be _fine._

**Terra:** TIME TO GO.

**Ends of the Earth:** WHY AM I WEAKER THAN SWEETSTACK.

**Terra:** I’m _never_ gonna change my Keyblade, am I. *goes back into hyperspace and sees a light passing overhead* I can somehow tell that that’s Ven.

**Master Xehanort:** MASTER TERRA GET YO ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW IT’S VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE DISCUSS THE PLOT.

**Terra:** Oh, sure, okay. *lets Ven keep flying as he changes his course*

**Neverland:** I unlocked the Command Board, by the way.

**Terra:** Whatever, I already played that in the Mirage Arena anyway. *goes to the Keyblade Graveyard where Master Xehanort’s just standing on a fucking rock spire like it’s normal* ‘Sup, nerd?

**Master Xehanort:** Okay, so Ventus ran into me, and I guess it triggered memories of what I did to him when I created Vanitas.

**Terra:** But I just saw him going toward the Land of Departure.

**Master Xehanort:** Exactly, he’s gonna confront Master Ecivresnaf about it. Possibly even try to harm him ‘cause you can do anything as long as you’re angry enough. *gesticulates wildly* Master Terra, if Ventus tries to harm Ecivresnaf, Ecivresnaf will respond in kind and probably just straight up murder him.

**Terra:** SHIT I GOTTA GO KAY THANKS BYE. *immediately heads back into space*

**Master Xehanort:** Hah hah ha, mine is an evil laugh.

**Terra:** *is back in space* I don’t care about this apparent Dark Impulse Command style I’ve just unlocked, I NEED TO SAVE MY BABY BROTHER. *immediately heads back to the Land of Departure* Sheesh, let’s hope I’ve leveled up enough for this, is forty-two enough for Critical? *bursts through the atmosphere just in time to see Ecivresnaf hold up his Keyblade against Ven* …What the fuck.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I need to make sure that the χ-blade is never created!

**Ventus:** Which you can do by killing Master Xehanort! Believe me, I don’t want to turn into a sword thing, I like being human! Why aren’t you killing the old friend who turned obviously evil instead of the boy you love like a son and has a perfect track record of always standing for truth and justice?!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Because you’re not even human anymore I guess maybe? Iunno. Anyway, forgive me.

**Ventus:** No!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** *shoots a giant burst of light at Ventus’s face*

**Terra:** OH FUCK ALL THIS SHIT! *turns his glider thing back into Sweetstack, still in his armor, and deflects the blast meant for Ven* WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Terra, I order you to move so I can kill your little brother!

**Terra:** *has his armor fade away* …No?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** WHY WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME ANYMORE.

**Terra:** Because you’re trying to kill my best friend who I know you love like a son?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** That makes sense. Except…no. And since you’re disobeying orders, I’m sorry, but that means I’m going to have to kill you too apparently. But I am severely regretful of it. See? Look at my one tear. That totally means that I don’t want to murder my children in a fit of complete stupidity when I can just explain shit instead. *lunges at Terra*

**Terra:** Yeah, just keep saying it, that’ll make it suddenly make sense. *blocks every strike*

**Ventus:** Terra, on second thought maybe it’s best if he just follows through with the killing me thing—

**Terra:** You shut the fuck up right now!

**Ventus:** …Dude I don’t think you understand—

**Terra:** Even though I totally do, I don’t have to because you’re my baby brother. *manages to push Ecivresnaf back*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** My child murder boner is erect and I will not have it be softened by the likes of you. *shoots a blast of light at them and they’re both pushed back*

**Ventus:** That seems to have hurt me even though I’m light incarnate.

**Terra:** *picks up Ven with one arm* Okay, could you stop now?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Eh…Nah. *stars crackling with light sexual energy*

**Terra:** …Fuck it. *starts crackling with dark sexual energy* Wow, totally expected my eyes to have turned yellow just there. And look, you may be my father figure, but I will not let you hurt my little brother figure! I WILL MURDER YOU WITH THE ALMIGHTY POWER OF _ICE CREAM!_

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Damn it, Terra, you just gave me a _legitimate_ excuse to kill you!

**Terra:** I don’t care! *points Sweetstack behind him and summons a portal to space that he throws Ventus into*

**Ventus:** Everyone’s kicking my ass today. Terra! Try to talk it out with him, okay? I don’t want you getting hurt and I don’t want you hurting him!

**Terra:** …Dude that’s probably gonna be fucking impossible. *portal closes behind him*

**Information:** Quell Master Ecivresnaf’s anger! By, you know, murdering him!

**Terra:** Huh, I apparently start with Dark Impulse activated, that’s neat, wonder how strong this is. *starts kicking Ecivresnaf’s ass really fucking easily* …Okay, is my use of the darkness stronger or have you just been hanging out on this one planet for so long that it’s weakened you while I’ve gone through a huge growth spurt.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Don’t know, but you did manage to deplete all my health.

**Terra:** It sure is a good thing that Aqua, Ventus and I are the only ones who know any Cure magic.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** *coughs* How…could you…

**Terra:** _EASILY! YOU TRIED TO MURDER MY LITTLE BROTHER!_ And yet I still regret my actions. But I kinda regret yours more. I think this is actually a case of Why Did You Make Me Have To Hurt You, I don’t think it’s bullshit to say that as opposed to most times.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I instantly agree with you. Nothing like a good beating to make you change your entire worldview.

**Terra:** This is just like one of my Japanese animes!

**Master Ecivresnaf:** It’s the most anime thing I’ve ever seen since anime, yes. Still kinda bummed out about you possessing the power of darkness, but I see now that I totally probably helped you with that by determinedly holding you back all the time. And also by trying to kill Ven. And you.

**Terra:** Yeah maybe you shouldn’t’ve straight-up tried to murder us. Maybe there were options other than straight-up trying to murder us that were available to you. This kind of reminds me of a movie I saw recently.

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Doesn't it, though? Was I the real villain all along? Or did I just never drop the idiot ball — OW MY FLESH! *drops the Master’s Defender Keyblade and dissolves into…basically the fucking Lifestream before Terra can catch him*

**Terra:** What’s with the pyreflies? Also I thought no one technically died in this series, what the shit. *starts sobbing* Damn it…he was a total dick just now but he _was_ still basically my father…

**Master Xehanort:** Oh get over yourself. Seriously, Master Terra, he was going to murder both you and your little brother, that’s fucked up!

**Terra:** Yeah, and then he realized he was wrong! You didn’t have to fucking literally stab him in the back like that!

**Master Xehanort:** Sure I did. *turns away* You’re a real piece of work, you know that? Why don’t you want to be a huge murderer?

**Terra:** I am still confused as to your motives. *summons Sweetstack just in case anyway*

**Master Xehanort:** Jesus Christ, I just killed your father-figure, what more do you fucking want from me. *summons No Name* I. Am going. To murder. Your friends. And then you’ll have no one else to protect because forget the part where you made friends with Zack and 626 and whoever else. Meet you at the Keyblade Graveyard so the murder party can begin. THAT FUCKING CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?!

**Terra:** …I don’t get it.

**Master Xehanort:** HOW CAN YOU NOT FUCKING GET THIS?! I’M FUCKING EVIL! *shoots a giant burst of dark energy from his Keyblade that turns the sky dark and creates a destruction ball of concentrated evil that destroyed the Destiny Islands in the first game* DO YOU GET IT NOW?! _CHRIST_ YOU’RE FUCKING STUPID!

**Terra:** *apparently finally gets it* Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! But... _why._

**Master Xehanort:** I’ve decided to burn down the planet.

**Terra:** Burn it to the _ground?!_

**Master Xehanort:** Yeah, that's right. Well, old chap, I do believe this world seems to be crumbling before our very eyes! *leaves through a Dark Corridor before he implodes with the rest of the planet*

**Land of Departure:** *has huge chunks of it break off into the swirling vortex of terror*

**Terra:** …This is like watching Hogwarts blow up. Or would be if we were actually allowed to hang out here for more than a couple of cutscenes and could hang out whenever we wanted and maybe had more conversations with Ecivresnaf and indeed each other in order to further establish our relationships beyond just continuously telling ourselves that we’re all friends because this is in fact a visual medium and you can better tell stories that way. *shakes head* I have a lot of explaining to do. Master Ecivresnaf is gonna be really — Oh wait, no he won't. I killed him. *stands up and pulls out his Wayfinder* Ven, Aqua, I’ll see you at the end of the game I guess. *blinks* Shit, aside from mini-games and filling out the reports and a couple of trophies, that’s all I have left to do. That’s fucking wacky. *summons a portal to space and leaves before the planet…doesn’t necessarily blow up, you can still visit it, it’s just a little fucked up*

**Chaos Ripper:** I increase strength by ten instead of six!

**Terra:** …HOLY SHIT I’M EQUIPPING YOU RIGHT THE FUCK NOW—

**Chaos Ripper:** But your magic’ll be down to negative two, and it’s not all that great to begin with even at the plus four from before.

**Terra:** …I’ll stick with Sweetstack for now…

**Chaos Ripper:** I had a feeling you would.

**Terra:** Actually, I’ll swap you in for this cutscene. *goes to the Keyblade Graveyard and stares at the ruin of the fucking mountain that was apparently obliterated which I still want details on* Wow. We’ve gone from a nightmarish hellscape to somehow an even bleaker nightmarish hellscape. Fuck, I kinda understand why Xehanort wants to unravel the mysteries of this place. *summons Chaos Ripper* So I know I did the bad thing, but I did it to save a friend, and I refuse to feel bad about that. ‘CAUSE THAT’S THE WAY TEAM GURREN ROLES! _**JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!**_ *switches back to Sweetstack and fights his way through the Twister Trench until he’s at the final rest area of the game*

**Moogle:** Dude, I know you’re hyped about getting the last of the treasures and stickers, kupo, but you’re only level forty-two, kupo, and this is the end of the game, kupo. You’re gonna wanna spend some time leveling up, kupo.

**Terra:** This is true. *leaves and gets to level forty-seven before coming back* That enough?

**Moogle:** Pfft, I don’t fucking know, kupo.

**Terra:** Meh, I can always keep trying ad nauseum. Knowing that this is basically the end of the game fills me with determination. *saves and walks through the tunnel to the end of the game*

~…Holy shit I’m almost fucking done what the hell even is this.~


	28. All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Guys. TWEWY on Switch. I don't even have a Switch and I'm excite:** Spoony's Phantasmagoria 2 LP, _Firefly, Batman: Fortunate Son,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan, Highlander, Avatar: The Last Airbender,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, Harry Potter, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Until Dawn,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Once Upon A Time,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Hey this seems awfully familiar, you guys ever get the sensation of déjà vu? Ah well, probably nothing.~

**Keyblade Graveyard:** *is dusty and windy as shit*

**Rusty-ass Keyblade:** Just chillin’ in my graveyard.

**Terra:** I AM STANDING.

**Keyblade Graveyard:** *is _still_ dusty and windy as shit*

**Terra:** THIS IS THE BACK OF MY HEAD. *looks to the side* …Come to think of it, aren’t I supposed to be wearing armor or something?

**Aqua:** *is walking towards him* I thought I was supposed to be wearing armor too, what happened?

**Terra:** Maybe it was just to look cool for the trailer without actually giving away anyone’s identities?

**Aqua:** And yet our helmets came off eventually anyway.

**Terra:** Yeah, weird. We looked totally badass, though.

**Aqua:** This is true. *finally gets level with him* So I heard Master Ecivresnaf done bit it.

**Terra:** Okay, about that — he was straight-up trying to kill Ven. Our own little brother. So I fought him and he conceded that that was an incredibly stupid-ass decision and it looked like we were back on track. He saw that what he was doing was stupid and I probably could’ve used Curaga or a Hi-Potion on him or something if we had more time. Except Master Xehanort chose that moment to stab him in the back while he was weakened and he became one with the Lifestream.

**Aqua:** We have that?

**Terra:** Or pyreflies or something, I don’t know. And I get that Xehanort struck the killing blow but I still weakened him in the first place, still fell right into Xehanort’s trap. I’m willing to bet he told Ven…something so that he would go to the Master and so the Master would try to kill him and I’d have to defend him.

**Aqua:** Curse his sudden but inevitable betrayal.

**Terra:** I KNOW, RIGHT?! Oh and also our planet exploded.

**Aqua:** I know, I’ve been to the wreckage, it’s not great.

**Terra:** Yeah. But now that I know Xehanort’s a villain and a great personal trauma has changed my outlook on life, I’m going to start making changes to my lifestyle in order to become someone you and Ven can be proud to call friend again.

**Aqua:** *doesn’t speak for a long time* What is darkness but hate and rage?

**Batman:** Darkness is nothing but death…and crime…and the _rage_ of a _beast._

**Aqua:** Starting off like that, it sounds as if I’m actually gonna comfort you by saying that you did it out of love and the desire to protect what is basically our little brother. In reality, I have absolutely no faith in my best friend, thinking that you’ll never learn from your mistakes even though it involved you killing our Master which really would’ve woken you up. Tell me, how does the vague possibility of failing in the future honor our Master’s memory, Terra?

**Terra:** …Wow you’re a bitch.

**Aqua:** Which is why this is easier to lampoon than Days was.

**Terra:** Infinitely so. Hold up, Ven’s here.

**Ventus:** I came through here the exact same way that Aqua did, why the balls are we coming from two different directions.

**Aqua:** …Rule of Cool?

**Ventus:** I guess…Figured we’d be wearing armor, though.

**Terra:** Us too, frankly.

**Ventus:** *gets level with them* Xehanort wants me to find Vanitas and make some kind of χ-blade.

**Aqua:** You two are gonna _make_ a Keyblade just by fighting?

**Ventus:** No, χ-blade, it’s pronounced exactly the same so you have to pay attention to the subtitles.

**Aqua:** Wait…if you two fight, you’ll transform into a weapon?

**Ventus:** Essentially, yeah.

**Aqua:** …What?

**Terra:** Huh?

**Aqua:** Who? Where? When? How?

**Terra:** If?

**Ventus:** *laughs* Just fucking throwing out prepositions!

**Aqua:** But no, seriously, what?

**Terra:** Ventus used to have the same amount of darkness in his heart as any normal person, _which is everyone, by the way,_ but Xehanort extracted it and created Vanitas with it which turned Ven into the zambambo he was when we first met him.

**Ventus:** How’d _you_ know?

**Terra:** Xehanort told me while I was still buying his remorseful act. Didn’t think you two could actually make a weapon if you tried hard enough, though. Didn’t know humans could do that.

**Ventus:** Well anyway, that’s why Master Ecivresnaf wanted to kill me. So the χ-blade could never be forged.

**Aqua:** I still have so many fucking questions.

**Ventus:** So do I. And I’m terrified of the answers. Especially considering Xehanort basically wants to destroy the universe just to see if anything comes of it. I don’t want to be the cause of that!

**Terra:** …We need to put our differences aside right now for the sake of the kid.

**Aqua:** I couldn’t agree more.

**Terra:** *puts his hand on Ven’s shoulder* Relax, little bro. We’re gonna get through this together, like we did a grand total of once this entire game.

**Aqua:** Oh come on, it was more than…Shit, it was just the Trinity Armor, you’re right, fuck.

**Ventus:** But if Vanitas finds me again, or if he threatens either of you, I might have to fight him after all. If that happens—

**Terra:** We’ll protect you no matter what, of course! Nothing can tear us apart except for the very events that are about to transpire, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL! *tightens his grip on Ven’s shoulder*

**Aqua:** And I’ll help too! *leans down and puts a hand on Ven’s cheek*

**Ventus:** … *removes both Aqua and Terra’s hands* The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. If I have to be killed so the universe can live, I need you two to do it.

**Terra and Aqua:** …I don’t like this game anymore.

**Ventus:** Aaaaand Master Xehanort just showed up. This is gonna be great.

**Master Xehanort:** *is walking towards them, with Vanitas appearing from right behind him, Void Gear already drawn, and both stop a good distance away* So yeah, all these Keys used to have an owner, apparently. Which really makes the whole There Can Be Only One thing from the first game total bullshit. And this is apparently where the whole Keyblade war that still has yet to be explained took place.

**Terra:** …Is he talking to us?

**Ventus:** I don’t know, I can’t hear a word he’s saying.

**Aqua:** Maybe he’s expositing a bunch of crap for Vanitas?

**Master Xehanort:** *rolls his eyes and speaks up* And according to what little evidence I’ve decided to interpret to suit my needs, everything was done to form the ultimate Key.

**Terra, Ventus, and Aqua:** Ultima?

**Master Xehanort:** …No, the χ-blade. *points dramatically at Ventus*

**Terra, Ventus, and Aqua:** …Fuck it. *all activate their armors at once as we prepare for the most cinematic moment thus far in Kingdom Hearts history*

**Ventus:** *tries to step forward*

**Terra:** *holds him back and runs forward instead, jumping up and slashing down at Xehanort*

**Master Xehanort:** Apparently being a Keyblade Master means I can Earthbend. Yeah, that makes sense. *raises his hand and simultaneously raises a wall of earth that Terra skims across before summoning a much larger cliff-face that he and Vanitas are standing atop*

**Terra:** *grunts and gets back up*

**Master Xehanort:** Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh… *raises his hand dramatically*

**Aqua:** Okay when did it get so dark all of a sudden, can he control the weather as well as the landscape? And the…Keyblades…that are suddenly forming into a giant serpent-like pattern and heading right for us? Ven, move!

**Vanitas:** *jumps on top of the Keyblade formation and rides it like a skateboard* Oh yeah, this is well possible.

**Ventus:** …What?

**Vanitas:** It’s-It’s well possible.

**Ventus:** Is that a—

**Vanitas:** Yeah, you can say that.

**Ventus:** Is that a phrase, are you serious?

**Vanitas:** Yeah, absolutely.

**Ventus:** I don’t know if I believe you.

**Vanitas:** Well, you don’t have to—

**Ventus:** And if I do believe you, I don’t know how much I do.

**Vanitas:** As long as it’s like a thirty percent trust rate, we can work with that.

**Ventus:** Thirty percent, that’s low.

**Vanitas:** I’ll work with low. Pays the bills. *crashes right into Ventus, knocking him over with the barrage of Keyblades before flying up and knocking Terra off of the cliff he was on*

**Aqua:** Am I the only one he’s not attacking—SHIT! *gets attacked from a bunch of Keyblades rising up from below* Oh I’m hurt! I am very much hurt!

**Ventus:** *runs up to her* Aqua! Your helmet fell off!

**Aqua:** So it did. Hang on a sec. TERRA! *casts Reflect on Terra so the Keyblades stop slashing the shit out of him. And then it explodes*

**Master Xehanort:** …Did I do that with my Keyblades, or…?

**Aqua:** I hope so, Reflect’s not supposed to explode.

**Terra:** *falls onto the higher cliff in front of Xehanort* Oh, I fell on my keys…

**Master Xehanort:** I understood that reference. *is about to use his own Keyblade on Terra but Ven jumps behind him and tries to slash him in the back of the head, but it was just an afterimage*

**Ventus:** …What the fuck just happened.

**Master Xehanort:** This. *grabs his head from behind him and clutches it tightly*

**Terra:** Ven! You kind of look ridiculous struggling like that!

**Ventus:** Yeah that’s great, mind getting me out of this situation so I won’t have to look ridiculous?!

**Terra:** On it — AUGH! *gets hit by a shitton of Keyblades from below* I’m starting to not like our odds here.

**Vanitas:** I’m still up here too, you know!

**Terra:** *gets slashed at by Keyblades all the way down to the ground* Good thing there’s no fall damage, or I’d be in some real trouble here.

**Aqua:** I can just barely make out what’s happening to Ven from all the way down here.

**Master Xehanort:** This boy I’m holding in my hand is integral to my entire plan of universal destruction. He is the one I must ensure is kept alive at all costs so I can convince him to fight Vanitas and create the weapon I so seek. TIME TO SHOOT A BOLT OF DARKNESS THROUGH HIM, USE GLACIER ON HIM, AND TOSS HIM CASUALLY OFF THIS GIANT CLIFF!

**Vanitas:** …Master, stop being a crazy psycho. Now’s not a good time for you to be a psycho.

**Master Xehanort:** MY PWAN IS GWEAT!

**Vanitas:** No.

**Ventus:** Despite hitting my leg on the way down, my helmet somehow also came off.

**Aqua:** *catches Ven with her body before he shatters* Dayum I must be strong to just so casually flip you around like this so I can hold you in a better position. Also ARE YOU OKAY?!

**Ventus:** I’d answer if I wasn’t basically under the Full Body Bind with a dash of hypothermia.

**Aqua:** So you are. At least your eyeballs are still moving so I know you’re not dead.

**Master Xehanort:** *summons a ball of…mostly light energy, frankly, and shoots it into the sky, causing the clouds to part in order to reveal the heart-shaped moon that is Kingdom Hearts*

**Aqua:** …How the fuck is that there, there are no Heartless with which to collect hearts, is that just meant to be cinematic, what the flying fucking shit fuckers.

**Master Xehanort:** Dude, I have so much time travel bullshit going on, don’t read too much into it.

**Mickey:** Must’ve woken up and come back here at some point. Because I’m going to be _such_ a huge help.

**Terra:** Well that was tone-annihilating. *uses his Keyblade to pull himself to his arms and knees and yanks his helmet off*

**Player:** Ooooh, according to the kick-ass trailer, this is when his eyes turn yellow!

**Terra:** The trailer lied. *eyes remain blue as he pants heavily*

**Player:** DAMN YOU ADVERTIZING!

**Terra:** *gets up, starts crackling with sexual energy, and summons his space bike thing to fly to the top of the cliff Xehanort created

**Master Xehanort and Vanitas:** Well, ‘bout time someone made it up here.

**Terra:** *banishes the space bike thing and lands in front of them, changing back into his normal outfit* …Why am I taking my armor off. If I wasn’t gonna use it, why did I put it on in the first place. *opens his still-blue eyes*

**Master Xehanort:** Well that’s just dandy. And I knew you’d find some way to make it to this point, as it’s the place you knew I’d be at since we’ve talked here a few times before and you conveniently have the power to not only travel through space but also fly at a moment’s notice. Also something about darkness versus light, the usual crap. All according to keikaku. *spreads arms* WHO WANTS A HUG?

**Terra:** I’m not a very huggy person. *summons Sweetstack* And you neglected to mention that you were using Ven to try and destroy the universe.

**Master Xehanort:** Hey. Hey. Hey. He has no chance of ever turning evil ever. And it’s thanks to me that he’s so good and pure. After all…he never had a chance on his own, the tiny weak poo-babby, despite somehow being super important in UX which CAN THAT HURRY UP AND FUCKING UPDATE ITS STORY ALREADY I WISH TO UNDERSTAND THINGS.

**Terra:** You’re gonna dead. You’re gonna dead.

**Master Xehanort:** No I’m fine.

**Terra:** You’re gonna dead.

**Vanitas:** Yeah but you have to fight both of us now, and I’ll be taking most of the hits for the boss man.

**Terra:** Not a problem.

**Vanitas:** It might be once you realize I like to teleport away in midair a lot so I end up right behind you.

**Terra:** Eat shit, shit eater. Why do you love the taste of poop so much in your mouth.

**Vanitas:** Hey, you got rid of a good chunk of my health! Time for the boss fight to abruptly come to a halt!

**Terra:** Which doesn’t really explain why I’m suddenly attacking Xehanort but I’m good with it.

**Master Xehanort:** Not if I block you, you won’t be. Wow it’s pathetically easy to hold you off. Vanitas, go do the fusion dance with Ventus so we can get this show on the road. Oh, and kill Aqua, she’s useless to us.

**Terra:** C-Could you not?

**Vanitas:** Dude, that first thing is literally my one purpose in life, you’re not gonna stop me. Later, haters! *jumps off the cliff and goes to have a boss fight/final fight with Ven*

**Terra:** Okay yeah, that’s not happening. *runs after him*

**Master Xehanort:** *Apparates in front of Terra* Pretty sure _this_ isn’t happening.

**Terra:** Well shit.

**Master Xehanort:** You see how weak you are in comparison with us?

**Terra:** Hey, if I could Apparate like that, there wouldn’t be a problem.

**Master Xehanort:** So turn to the powers of darkness!

**Terra:** I don’t _wanna!_

**Master Xehanort:** Yes, get angrier! Get whinier! Get more emo! Become a huge badass!

**Terra:** You killed my surrogate father person and are trying to kill my surrogate sibling persons. And I don’t like that kind of thing. *starts crackling with dark sexual energy*

**Master Xehanort:** Yes, do exactly what I wanted you to do even though you know it’s a huge mistake, just like a fuckton of other Squeenix games where you really shouldn’t fucking do explicitly what the villain wants except they totally do and for some reason come out victorious anyway! Or maybe that's just FFXIII, my memory is not the clearest, I feel like XII did that too but I forget. BUT NOT THIS FUCKING TIME!

**Terra:** …Oh this was probably a bad idea. *explodes with dark energy*

**Master Xehanort:** Good luck with this boss fight; I teleport more than Vanitas!

**Terra:** Yeah but I can do Shotlocks.

**Master Xehanort:** …I keep forgetting those are a thing.

**Terra:** Me too, frankly. *depletes his HP*

**Master Xehanort:** *collapses to his knees, leaning against No Name and panting*

**Terra:** *may or may not have been about to deal the finishing blow when there’s a sudden earthquake*

**Master Xehanort:** OH YEAH! I’M THE BEST!

**Terra:** *turns around and sees the giant pillar of light formed by Ven and Vani’s fight* …Well that's not good.

**Master Xehanort:** *gets to his feet* Vanitas talked Ventus into forging the χ-blade after all! I thought that I would lose it but you’re the loser.

**Terra:** I lost. Shit, this means my baby brother’s dead, this does not fill me with warm fuzzies.

**Master Xehanort:** Oh, and there’s one other thing I didn’t tell you about. *stabs himself in the chest with No Name*

**Terra:** ...How can my old man possibly be this alive.

**No Name:** *dissolves into darkness as Xehanort's heart exits his chest cavity*

**Master Xehanort:** I’m gonna ruin your life. Get ready.

**Terra:** …The fuck is going on right now.

**Master Xehanort:** It’s actually quite simple: You’re hot. Change the hairstyle a little bit and you’ll be even hotter. Also you’re strong and already kind of attuned to the darkness. I need that in a man. Literally. So prepare yourself for me about to possess you.

**Terra:** Well I really don’t want to, though!

**Master Xehanort:** You’re gonna have to, though. I’m gonna find out what really happened during the Keyblade War BECAUSE THE MOBILE GAME WON'T FUCKING UPDATE FAST ENOUGH and to do that I need to recreate the events as closely as I can. But I also need to be still alive to see it, so…yeah. *sends his heart flying toward Terra*

**Terra:** *activates his armor WHICH HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN WEARING THIS WHOLE TIME but apparently doesn’t do it in time since now he can’t move and is trapped by darkness*

**Master Xehanort:** Sorry dude. You suck. I beat you up. You are dead now. Bye-bye. *dissolves into light/the lifestream/pyreflies/whatever the fuck*

**Newly born Terranort:** *rips off his armor, revealing silver hair, pointy ears, and a sudden tan* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH! I win. All worlds begin in darkness, which is a play on how the womb is where life is created and it happens to be really dark until a child is actually born because there’s no light source in a uterus, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it; it grows, consumes it. Such is its nature. Which is probably a take on how as people grow up, they tend to grow more cynical and realistic, losing a great deal of that childlike outlook on the world as a little bit more of their innocence is stripped away each day. Oh and I might also be talking about how stars and planets form in the blackness of outer fucking _space._

**Kingdom Hearts moon thing:** *shines above him, continuing to not make sense*

**Terranort:** In the end, every heart returns to the darkness whence it came…I think I’m talking about death now. Which may be nothingness, may be returning to the earth or whatever, may be a bright white train station that leads you “on,” who even knows. Yeah, take a good look at my yellow eyeballs. Soak it in. *summons No Name*

**Terra’s old helmet:** *gets a camera shot all to itself*

**Sky:** *suddenly turns orange with brighter orange chain motifs all over it*

**Terranort:** What the fuck did I do. Why is the sky nothing but disease.

**Terra’s armor:** *is on its knees with Ends of the Earth in front of it, staring silently at Terranort*

**Terranort:** Look, I’m already inside your molecular structure, why are you still trying to fight me. I’ve _won_ , fuck you, the end.

**Terra’s armor:** *slowly stands up, then takes Ends of the Earth out of the ground and gets into a battle stance*

**Information:** Defeat Xehanort and take back your body!

**Terranort:** HA! We both know that’s not going to happen! Everyone who’s played any game other than this one knows that’s not going to fucking happen! *starts fighting the armor*

**Terra’s armor:** *thankfully still has all of Terra’s commands and abilities and Shotlocks and other things as well so after a bit of a struggle is able to defeat him, getting another of Xehanort’s reports in the process, which it can probably no longer read*

**Terranort:** I’m unconscious! At least the sky’s back to normal.

**Terra’s armor:** *grows a cape for no reason just like it was supposed to have done this whole time according to the original trailer at the end of KHII, then jams Ends of the Earth back into the ground and kneels in front of it as the wind howls around him and the explosion from the destruction of the χ-blade demolishes the cliff, taking both Terranort and the armor with it, with the armor doing nothing to put up a fight aside from flashing back to Ven and Aqua’s faces one last time*

**Kingdom Hearts moon thing:** …Okay, the cliff’s still there, did that explosion actually do anything?

**Keyblades in the Keyblade Graveyard:** Yeah, we’re still here as well, this is weird.

**Terra’s armor:** *is still in the center of the cliff with Terranort nowhere in sight, with pyreflies swirling all around him as clouds slowly cover up Kingdom Hearts and the screen slowly fades to black*

**Terra’s voice:** Aqua, Ven…Looks like I’m stuck here until an optional boss fight occurs in KHII. In the meantime I’ll try and have enough influence over the guy who possessed me so that my body will still recognize Aqua’s armor and Ven’s dumb face when Roxas is wearing it. Maybe this’ll get put right in KHIII but who the fuck knows at this point.

**Credits:** …WELL THAT WAS A FUCKING DOWNER ENDING! Like, you straight-up fucking _lost_ that whole scenario, powering up the villain for the rest of the franchise! WHAT THE SHIT?!

**Maleficent:** Oh wow, we get a villainous montage this time to highlight that Terra was a villain all along, that’s nice.

**Fairy Godmother:** Keep telling yourself that, sweetie.

**Evil Queen:** Shut it, Slan, I got me some human organs to eat.

**Mirror:** I’m here too!

**Evil Queen:** Stop that.

**Mirror:** But look, I’m right here, I’m in the credits sequence too!

**Evil Queen:** I’m gonna punch you.

**Braig:** Heh, I actually really enjoy how we got backstory of my facial disfigurements, even if it didn’t really establish how my hair got so streaked with gray, I’m not _that_ old.

**iheartmwpp:** *found first few gray hairs at twenty-six* Keep telling yourself that, sport.

**Pete:** Why are you guys applauding over in _that_ direction, I’m over here! *stomps foot* Oh hey, I’m Captain Dark this time, that’s neat.

**Minnie, Huey, Dewey, and Louie:** …What are we even applauding, this is kind of weird.

**Hades:** I am hilarious and you will quote everything I say.

**Dr. Jumba:** It’s so fucking great how my evil plans will be forever destroyed by a six-year-old girl, this could not have gone better if I’d planned it. *falls over laughing* Wait, why am _I_ the villain, I still maintain that Gantu’s the real antagonist.

**Captain Hook:** From land to land, from sea to sea, he follows the ship, licking his lips for the rest of me!

**Smee:** Well in a way it’s a sort of compliment.

**Captain Hook:** Well I want no such compliments!

**Crocodile:** *is right behind them*

**Captain Hook:** My psychic moustache is telling me we should leave now.

**Riku:** LOOK HOW CUTE I AM! *crosses his arms like he’ll continue to do when he’s older*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** I am actually fucking dead. Unless they find some way to bring me back in KHIII which I would not put it past them considering yet another Terra connection.

**Terra:** Help me, I’m exploding.

**Aqua:** Oh, I’m fucked. Proper fucked, in fact.

**Ventus:** I’m tired. I’m a sleepy baby today. Give me a break.

**Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep Title Card:** Now wasn’t that special.

~ALMOST DONE WITH THE FUCKING GAME JESUS CHRIST THIS SHIT SEEMS LONGER THAN KHII EVEN THOUGH IT’S CLEARLY SHORTER.~


	29. Nothing's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Anyone Know If There's A Yelp-Type Thing For Hospitals:** Super Best Friends Play, _Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The Lord of the Rings, Monty Python’s Holy Grail, Airplane!,_ that one _Pokémon_ song, _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~OH RIGHT NEARLY FORGOT TO DO THE THING I ALWAYS DO.~

**Noiti Sopxe:** …Why are you still here?

**Aqua:** Well now that I’ve finished the game once with everyone I realized that I have all of Master Xehanort’s diary entries now, ‘cause Ven was carrying a bunch and I don’t know how I got Terra’s but I somehow have them now, so I can read them all in order and not be confused by only having my own fragments.

**Noiti Sopxe:** …You’re gonna do that now? When Ventus needs to be put somewhere safe and you need to track down Terra right the fuck now?

**Aqua:** Please, what’s a few minutes gonna change? The plot only moves forward when I desire it anyway.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Okay, okay, no, no, decelerate, slow down, yield.

**Aqua:** Sorry, Master, I can’t hear you over my acceleration.

~Yep, we’re wasting an entire week/chapter on this shit once again. Deal, bitches.~

_Xehanort’s Letter_

Please accept my deepest gratitude for the invitation to witness your pupils’ accession to the office of true Keyblade Master. It’s so nice to know that both of them might’ve been automatically promoted with no issue whatsoever if not for my interference. It was a heavy mantle our Master, who shall never be named for some reason even though everyone knows it’s Noiti Sopxe probably we'll find out I'm wrong eventually I'm sure, placed upon you shoulders in naming you Successor — do you still have that title? I mean, you’ve already Succeeded him for the past several decades, it doesn’t make sense to keep calling you that — but you have nonetheless persevered and raised two not-yet-Masters yourself. Despite my obviously villainous nature I’ve surprisingly never been bitter about that. Points to me for avoiding that usual pitfall.

I did you terrible harm in the past over a petty difference in opinion, and just a few years ago selfishly thrust my own burdens upon you. I don’t know why I’m going over what the both of us already know like this, to be honest. I think of you like a younger brother, which is probably precisely why I permanently scarred yo face, and yet, fool that I am, I have never availed myself of countless opportunities to apologize. It’s not _your_ fault you’re so obviously wrong, after all. I’ve also never thanked you for taking in a third student with way more issues and not instantly foiling my evil plans by murdering him on the spot. Yet not once have you seen me for the villain that I truly am; on the contrary, here you are, I’m inserting a comma there ‘cause the sentence would be weird without it, naively inviting me to such an important ceremony. I intend to be there to make all my plans begin to come to fruition and begin my destruction of the universe while you never suspect a thing until it is too late..

Our Master chose his heir wisely, as I’ve already fucking stated. Ours is a bizarrely ironic task — to watch over the light from the shadows even though this place is decidedly a place of light and we are always dwelling within the realm of light as opposed to the realm of darkness or the realm between those two — but in the face of that, the warmth in your heart and unfailing dedication to being wrong about everything impressed me to no end. I only tease you because you being wrong is joyful for everyone.

I have taken to wandering the universe, and shit’s getting progressively more fucked. Lately, I fear it has _really_ started to get fucked. Perhaps Noiti Sopxe has already told you about the enemies our kids’ll be forced to face for most of the game? These fledgling emotions derive from negativity, and I can now sense their presence on nearly every planet. Mostly because I told Vanitas to put them there so Ventus could level up.

And while we’re on the subject of focusing on the negative: we must speak of another matter that concerns me, one related to the upcoming ceremony. When I visited several years ago, your pupil Terra drew my attention. I mean, have you seen how stupid his hair looks? I’m not a fan at all, I must say. His power is immense, to be sure, but within his heart I could see darkness just waiting to be awakened. Of course, this was several years ago and all I’m trying to do is plant seeds of doubt in your mind so you’ll end up conforming to the behavior I desire from you, but that is neither here nor there. I know this is none of my business, but I have reservations about welcoming Terra as a true Keyblade Master because I want to be the Palpatine to his Anakin except Terra’s an infinitely better character so I want in on that so fucking badly. The traditional examination, perhaps, to see if he has the Mark of Mastery and so I know exactly what’s in store as to better fuck with it? The choice is yours, and I will humbly respect your decision. Except now I know that you’ll do exactly as I have described because holy balls you’re a gullible moron.

Take care. I eagerly await you noticing none of the evilness in my letter despite me outright stating what I plan to do several times. Merlin’s baggy Y-fronts, you’re an idiot…

_Xehanort’s Report 1_

Much time has passed since I left the home of my youth behind, and in the myriad planets I have since visited, I have gained much knowledge, though I admit that that does not equate to wisdom. On these pages, I intend to record a portion of that knowledge, and put the course of my life to paper. Probably because I’m really old and am losing my grip on things, because otherwise why would I ever leave the complete outline of my evil plan everywhere. I know _I_ don’t think it’s evil but that doesn’t mean people who get the wrong idea won’t try to stop me…

Upon reflection, my life underwent the most considerable sea-change when I arrived at that place, most notably because I wasn’t surrounded by the ocean anymore. Yes, it began when I found a Master that everyone knows is Noiti Sopxe unless it’s revealed to not be so that may be a reason why I keep avoiding saying his name, and another I would later call my annoying douchebag of a brother — when I found a new planet that let me live there.

Then there was the Keyblade. For what purpose was it begotten, and by whom? During my training as one of its wielders, the precepts offered a clear answer: the Keyblade existed so that we who watched over the light could protect the universe from the shadows.

But you can’t believe everything you read in books and I figured even at that point that that was just what they told us to keep us from developing alternative ideas. Was that the TRUE answer? Could there be more to it than that? My heart sought to know all of the things, and so I sometimes visited other worlds — though such travel was forbidden unless duty required — heh heh, I said duty — and found what my heart sought. It’s fine to write about this now, no one can really punish me for breaking a few school rules anymore…

_Xehanort’s Report 2_

Our Master who may or may not be Noiti Sopxe instructed us to don really badass armor while traveling through space, so that we might shield ourselves from the darkness and also be able to breathe in the vacuum of fucking _space._ But there, in the Lanes Between which I keep forgetting the name of as those have been referred to as Dark Corridors/Corridors of Darkness for the last three parodies or so, I could feel the force of it — the power — and from then on, I forwent my armor’s “protection.” It was really just because that shit was heavy and I was sweating all the fucking time and none of the “antiperspirant” deodorants I tried seemed to work so I just said fuck it. I had been told the darkness would devour me, but what terrors could it possibly hold, so long as I found the strength to control it?

Space is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist, but that’s just peanuts to space. Listen, the planets within the universe are uncountable. Disney movies are less so but shut up. Like little islands, they dot a great Ocean Between which keeps them ignorant of each other, uncorrupted. Can I draw even _more_ parallels to Destiny Islands, I wonder.

Each world has its own order. Unlike us, they cold not know of the universe in its entirety, and we were never to enlighten them. The simple truth is that interstellar distances will not fit into the human imagination.

_Xehanort’s Report 3_

In ancient times, no such buffers kept the universe divided; there were no walls of light enclosing each planet the way they do today. Nothing prevented one from physically invading the next at will.

At that time, the universe was filled with light, and a great many Keyblade wielders. But without buffers, the planets began to squabble over which one of them would revolutionize everything by selling bottled light. You see, whoever I’m talking to other than myself, they learned of the Keyblade’s true use, which I’ll talk about later. War broke out as each of the Keyblade wielders struggled to lay claim to an almighty, impossible-to-understand franchise known as Kingdom Hearts.

Kingdom Hearts could be described as an aggregate of hearts. Planets, too, have humanoid organs because shut up; each world’s heart is concealed from sight, beyond a hidden door. Or a puzzle wall. Or just behind a huge block that can only be moved with the power of friendship. Or just sitting out in the open in a cave behind a waterfall. Or deep within a different cave that can only be entered by a diamond in the rough until everyone and their mother can go in whenever the fuck they want. Or under a fucking building. Or in a clock face with one side of it busted so it’s concealed by one of the hands. Or you need a mysterious object that will conveniently show you where it is when placed. Or it’ll just be inside a huge colorful keyhole-shaped miasma. Any of those will do, really. By harvesting all the organs of all the planets — and I apparently do mean every single one of them — in a single place, one may complete Kingdom Hearts. So, you know, that’s possible.

_Xehanort’s Report 4_

And when Kingdom Hearts is complete, it is said the one who opens its door will bring about the creation of an entirely new universe. Maybe this should’ve been continued in the last report…eh. Anyway, such a feat is above any human. Or, to put it in a different way: whoever opens that door will be reborn as something far greater than human. Is what I choose to interpret that to mean. It's easy to feel right when you don't know what happened!

Light and darkness are two sides of the same coin; without darkness, there is no light. The Keyblade wielders’ great war over Kingdom Hearts was fought by five groups of people who were so convinced of their House's superiority that anyone who tried to make others get along was an enemy — or so the limited info given to us by UX so far seems to imply — as well as those who tried to stop the fighting by joining in on the fighting because that’s how logic works, and those motivated by nothing more than lust for power. Take a wild guess which one I belong to. A whole spectrum of thought was swept into the conflict, and the planets that tried to remain neutral and nonviolent found themselves imploding regardless. In the end, the whole universe was cast into darkness.

That was how the ancient Keyblade War drew to a close possibly we'll find out soon maybe. To this day, no one has ever managed to open the door to Kingdom Hearts. ‘S why I’m gonna be the first.

Some time later, the little light that remained in the hearts of the few, purportedly the children in Kairi’s grandmother’s story which turned out to be the Dandelions in the mobile game, gave rise to the universe we know today: one made of many planets behind just as many walls, so that the Keyblade War would not be repeated. Prooooobably a decent idea on the whole if you’re not crazy ambitiously evil like m’self.

_Xehanort’s Report 5_

At present, the lanes and corridors that run between the planets may only be traversed by us Keyblade wielders, and those who have given themselves over to darkness. Not entirely sure who those might be at the moment since this is before Unversed, Heartless, and Nobodies existed, so while I’ve been told what we’re supposedly fighting for, I don’t quite know what enemy we’re actually fighting. Probably some other fourth thing that predates those other things that I’ll refuse to mention.

As Keyblade wielders, our duty — heh heh, I said it again — is to cross the chasms between worlds and guard against whatever unnamed enemy I’m refusing to mention, whose darkness corrupts and contaminates, so that no planet need ever implode again.

Few Keyblade wielders remain now; I have heard of but a handful of others outside my circle. But as I’ve stated before, space is big, and more of our kind may be out there, if only we were allowed to go to more planets at our leisure and look for more to add to our number.

Now, in addition to the realm of light in which we reside, there is also a realm of darkness, and the realm between which connects the two. The realm of darkness is more forbidden than any other place; I am told none who set foot there have ever returned. Again, I kinda wanna be the first to go there and back again.

_Xehanort’s Report 6_

There are three families of Keyblades: the Keyblades of light we wield, Keyblades of darkness that I will one day wield, and Keyblades of heart that has somehow only shown up once so far in the entire series.

The first and second families differ only in origin; Keyblades of darkness are found in the realm of darkness, and are counterparts to the Keyblades we use in the realm of light. Seems pretty straightforward and I don’t really think I needed to spell that out.

The third type of key, the Keyblade of heart, came into existence when the universe was reorganized after the Keyblade War. Without this key, Kingdom Hearts is forever beyond my — that is, a person’s reach. Only by harvesting seven organs made up of pure light — hearts completely devoid of darkness — may one forge a Keyblade of heart and open the door to Kingdom Hearts.

And, as stated before so I don’t really know why I’m repeating it here, opening this door arguably gives that person control over the entire universe and everyone in it. Again, sure hope I’m not entirely wrong about this particular interpretation.

_Xehanort’s Report 7_

I have uncovered the Keyblade’s ultimate mystery. You see, invisible person who’s not me that I’ve apparently been talking to this whole time, besides the three families of Keyblades, there is another “Key Blade.” While it may sound the same when spoken, which would cause massive confusing if it weren’t impossible to turn the subtitles off, it is notated uniquely: “χ-blade.” And make no mistake, whoever I’m talking to that may just be me in my old age in case I forget, while it resembles a normal Keyblade except not really, it is something altogether different.

Keyblades are said to be man-made counterparts to Kingdom Hearts. I don’t know who said it but they said it. The χ-blade, however, coexists with Kingdom Hearts.

It is only forged when two hearts of equal power intersect — one heart of pure darkness, one of pure light. At its forging, Kingdom Hearts appears — OH _THAT’S_ WHY THAT MOON SHOWED UP, I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THAT SHIT. It must be noted, though, that this Kingdom Hearts is a super special snowflake. Unlike the Kingdoms brought about forcibly and artificially through the harvesting of organs like is gonna be nearly accomplished in the next decade or so by a fragment of myself because I apparently had no other option, THIS Kingdom Hearts is a perfect and complete union of ALL the planets’ organs. They’re all just drained at the same time through magic apparently. Surely it was over this that the ancient Keyblade War was fought by people named Shirley.

If so, the walls that divide the universe today are of little consequence. With the χ-blade, all the planets’ hearts could be instantly reunited, causing them to all implode at the same time — and the Keyblade War, refought, assuming there are any survivors considering Traverse Town will also have blown up, as well as the heart of the Keyblade Graveyard itself, probably…Maybe I should’ve thought this through a bit more than not at all…

_Xehanort’s Report 8_

My brother pupil Ecivresnaf thinks only in absolutes. So he’s a Sith lord, evidently. He has persuaded himself that light is the only way, like most Jedi. Keyblade wielders are basically Jedi, is what I’m saying. He forgets that light cannot exist without shadow. I believe a balance of light and darkness is what sustains our universe, but too much of the darkness has been stamped out, disrupting that balance. Seriously, the prequels always talk about bringing balance to the force but they always plan to get rid of any Sith as soon as they show up, just because they slaughter a few children! Someone must tear down this tyranny of light and reorganize the universe around the darkness. Let _that_ reign supreme for a few millennia.

Ecivresnaf and I did not agree on this point. For the high crime of being incorrect about everything, I mutilated his face and fucked off, and wandered the universe. This was perhaps the first time I felt truly free since that day I departed my boyhood home. But free to do what besides dick around? I had already shown the Mark and became a Keyblade Master — but having been passed over as Successor, all that remained to me was the road of teacher. Again, shockingly don’t sound all that bitter. Probably because had I been chosen as Successor I would’ve had to stay in the Land of Departure full time and I like to be able to go where I please.

Ordinarily, Keyblade Masters take pupils under their wing, malleable minds in which to force all of our own opinions as if they are fact and discourage free thinking of any kind so as to keep our profession alive for generations to come. Was my time drawing to an end, then, after all I had accomplished since casting away the place of my birth? Surely waiting for a quiet death would not to, not when I still accidentally referred to myself as Shirley and not when there was still so much I needed to see for myself. Merlin help me, I thought, I’m such an old piece of shit now…

_Xehanort’s Report 9_

We Keyblade Masters have a special gift. We can extract a heart, be it our own or that of another. By continuing this cycle, it is possible to remain in the world of the living forever, albeit as either a disembodied soul or as eventual Heartless and/or Nobodies. In theory I guess we can just continue becoming Heartless and Nobodies after we regain normal form and then just wait to be killed off again to regain normal form again…

As a boy, I dreamed of seeing the farthest reaches of the universe. If I only went far enough, there had to be a planet out there in which no one had ever before set foot. And now I know of just such a planet: one that had very obviously been inhabited before considering all the desolate wasteland caused by numerous massive explosions and the fact that there are Keyblades fucking everywhere. If I become the first to open Kingdom Hearts’ door, I can create a new universe in which light and darkness exist in perfect equilibrium. You know, as is my literal job description, except when actually carried out it makes me more than a little evil.

So there I stood, with vast knowledge in one gnarled, dying hand, and newfound purpose in the other. The next step was clear: I needed to magically get younger, considering Heartless hadn’t been invented yet despite Ventus fighting Neoshadows not long after I met him...or was that Emblem Heartless that hadn't been invented yet? I'm so confuse...

Speaking of, this was around the time when I met Ventus and made him my pupil. We were destined to meet on the FUCKING REMAINS OF DAYBREAK TOWN APPARENTLY MAYBE I'M STILL NOT SURE, though it's a pity that I don’t mention any of his backstory here because that would've made waiting for the mobile story line that covers his time as one of the five new dudes way less annoying. I could sense the potential within him, but the boy was too much of a weak little poo-babby for his own good. I came to the conclusion he was too frail to serve as a vessel, so instead of bulking him up a little I decided to use him for a second purpose I had in mind.

I would remove the darkness from his heart and split him in two. Then I would have my heart of pure light, and my heart of pure darkness. Sure I could’ve kidnapped a Princess of Heart, but I needed one of pure darkness as well and as dickish as I am I didn’t want to just abandon the boy outright.

_Xehanort’s Report 10_

As was to be expected, Ventus was too much of a pussy to go through with it, but I was able to remove the darkness inside him and create Vanitas, a heart of pure darkness. However, Ventus kind of went into a coma after that.

Ventus’s heart of pure light and Vanitas’s heart of pure darkness…If both could be made strong enough to one day clash, I knew the χ-blade would be forged.

But apparently there was a fuckton of darkness in Ventus’s heart seeing as Vanitas came out uncommonly strong, and from that fracture, I could see the last of Ventus’s light was slipping away. And by that I mean he was dying. Considering I had my heart of pure darkness I really only needed to pick up one of the princesses, but the dying boy in front of me deserved a place to spend his final moments peacefully. And also shirtlessly for some reason, still not entirely sure why I needed to take his shirt off but there you go. And what should come to mind but my own boyhood home.

My legs took me there unbidden, and as I stood there in an Organization XIII cloak on the same beach where I had made my choice so many years ago, I thought: not a single thing has changed. Here, in this quiet world, time marches in place. The people change, but who gives a fuck about them; I certainly didn’t. Content that Ventus would find peace here, I wrapped his shirtless form in a giant white blanket and tossed him over a partially fallen palm tree face-down in what had to be an uncomfortable position if he could still feel anything and would certainly cause not a small amount of panic for the planet’s children when they came by to play the next morning. Satisfied with the creepy bizarreness of my actions, I started to walk away — but just then, the boy held up his Keyblade. Turns out he didn’t want to go on the cart.

_Xehanort’s Report 11_

Ventus and Vanitas were not matched in power; I could not train them together, or Vanitas would probably kill Ventus in five seconds just for kicks.

Of course, since Ventus was made up of pure light and I needed to encourage that, I decided to drop him off at the Land of Departure so Ecivresnaf could teach him how to be wrong about everything.

Considering how the last time we spoke, I’d not only insulted his entire world view but also fucked up his face to a horrible extreme, I expected friction — but if anything, Ecivresnaf seemed delighted to see me again. For some reason. He readily agreed to take care of Ventus, seeming to believe my incredibly transparent attempt to feel sorry for my actions when I plainly wasn’t really. Now I need only wait for the boy’s heart to get stronger, assuming Ecivresnaf actually lets him go anywhere.

I had not visited this second home of mine for some time, and discovered Ecivresnaf had already found two pupils of his own. Which I once again don’t begrudge him for, since if he only had Aqua as a pupil I wouldn’t have seen what I sorely needed. Within the other one, Terra, I sensed something. The boy, though well-intentioned, seeks power single-mindedly, I somehow figured out after spending all of ten seconds in his company and all he did was ask Ventus too many questions and freak him out. And that kind of hunger is perfect for manipulating into seeking the darkness.

I had found the dude I was gonna possess for the rest of the series.

_Xehanort’s Report 12_

The time has come. It’s for the best, I know it. I have received word from Ecivresnaf that his pupils are to become true Keyblade Masters. I seriously don’t know why he’s contacting me with this information, or indeed _how,_ but whatever makes the plot happen I guess. Terra and that other one…They will be easy now to lure into the universe even though I have no real plans where Aqua is concerned. But Ventus! I will get nowhere without him.

Vanitas can feel some of what Ventus feels, which is a thing now, and might explain why his face and hair is suddenly the way it is, and he says Terra is the key. Ventus has loved Terra like a real brother ever since he let him keep his old wooden Keyblade. I need to work on my pronoun usage since that makes it sound like Ventus gave Terra his old Keyblade. Strike that, reverse it. He also feels as though Aqua is his sister but that’s not important right now; I’d feel creepy about possessing the body of someone of the opposite sex anyway. I feel creepy now as well with Terra but I’m far less remorseful about it. Overall, it seems we have found a loose thread at which we can tug to unravel Ventus’s heart. Which we don’t want to do, we just want an excuse for him to leave his home planet, as long as Ventus and Terra don’t actually speak to each other before they both take off. That shouldn’t be too hard, neither of them are that bright.

The first step is to get Terra alone; then we need to plant the seeds of doubt in Ventus. Good thing I’m so good at that and Vanitas is such a good student. Let him carry his faint light as he chases his brother into the darkness.

Let the darkness make his light stronger, then let the light deepen the darkness. And where the two finally meet is where one of the most badass moments in the series will be repeated like four times if you count the trailer at the end of KHII and yet no one will complain because it’s so sick-awesome.

~NOW YOU UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING.~

**Noiti Sopxe:** You done yet?

**Aqua:** I am.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Well, time to stand by your decisions.

**Aqua:** NO WAY!

**Noiti Sopxe:** You’ll be fine. It’s kind of stupid that you’ll be fine, but you’ll be fine.

**Aqua:** Fuuuuuuuuck…

~Wait, wasn’t Mickey there as well, what the fuck happened to him?~


	30. Like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I've Been Waiting To Play Final Fantasy: Boy Band Edition Since 2006 And Yesterday I Popped It Into My PS4 For The First Time...I DID MY WAITING! TWELVE YEARS OF IT! IN AZKABAN!:** _Harry Potter,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Family Guy,_ Shakespeare, Doctor Who, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, One Punch Man, Nullmetal Alchemist, _Game of Thrones,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~So considering Aqua’s the only one still awake and not possessed yeah let’s focus on her I guess sure why not.~

**Aqua:** *has Ven in a piggyback position on her back outside the Mysterious Tower* Bitch you are heavy. Also I just realized I have no idea where I’m going or where to put Ven. Or why I don’t just leave him here for that matter. Oh yeah, Noiti Sopxe’s version of taking care of him was to just dump him on the floor. I do not wish this. So…where to go, I wonder…

**Ventus:** I HEARD THAT, AQUA! *raises comatose arm, summons Wayward Wind, and points it in front of him, creating a giant portal of light*

**Aqua:** Ven?! You’re awake?! Oh…You’re just sleep-summoning. Okay, sure, whatever conveniently moves the plot along, I guess. *walks through the portal and finds herself in the Land of Departure, except it’s all fucked up* DAMN IT TERRA WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME OUR WORLD BLEW UP. Except why am I surprised, not only have I been to these ruins in the Mirage Arena, but I actually physically came here to try out that EXP Walker trick where you put tape on the controller to hold the sticks in place and just leave. And then I found out that after a while the left one that actually makes you walk just kind of stops so I gave up and left. Still, least this portal took me to the actual castle place, I couldn’t get there before. *sees the Master’s Defender just lying on the ground* …Well that’s insanely depressing.

**Aqua’s voice from the beginning of her section:** I’ll bring him back here…and when I do, you’ll see that he’s worthy for a field promotion. Or I’ll just let him slip away once he makes me feel bad for spying on him, whichever.

**Aqua:** *picks up Master’s Defender* This is such a simple and yet badass design, I like it. *carries it and Ven into what remains of the castle*

**Aqua’s voice from the beginning of her section:** Still, I wish the master would stop treating _all_ of us like weak little poo-babbies, especially now that _I’m literally his fucking colleague._

**Master Ecivresnaf:** And now for a flashback that’s really hard to figure out when exactly it took place.

**Aqua:** Can it just be audio only as I set Ven up in your old chair?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Sure, fine, whatever. I gotta tell you a super special secret thing that only super special secret Keyblade Masters can know about. If I die and the planet explodes, you need to take my Keyblade — hopefully _that’ll_ still be around even if I am the dead — and use its magic bullshit powers to completely change the remains of the planet into an entirely different setting that will _BLOW EVERYONE’S MINDS._

**Aqua:** …Keyblades can do that?

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Mine apparently has that app, yes. Look, there’s a lot of history here, and I don’t want this place completely imploding. Light and darkness have always existed in balance here, which is why we’ve always forcibly favored the light and discounted anyone who ever showed the slightest hint of going dark. There are those who have pointed out the stupidity of our claim, and those who have not been culled will probably want revenge. So hopefully my old throne-chair-thing won’t be busted when you go to do this so this will actually work.

**Aqua:** *points the Master’s Defender at the back of the chair she placed Ven into*

**Keyhole:** *appears*

**Aqua:** *looks like she’s going to stick her giant key _inside_ the Keyhole for literally the first time in this entire series but instead she just points it a bit closer so she can shoot a beam of light into it*

**Master Ecivresnaf:** Just point it at shit and trust that it’ll do what it wants to on its own, Keyblades are usually bullshit like that anyway. It’ll transfigure the entire planet into something completely different, creating a new building with an impossible to traverse labyrinth of sorts made of endless rooms and doors and shit that only you will know the true layout of. Everyone else will be lost to _oblivion._ Geddit? You’ll get it, you’ll get it.

**Aqua:** Wonder what he meant by that. OH GOD I’M BLIND. *is engulfed in light once again, and when she opens her eyes she’s suddenly in a white room with giant Keyblade Master sigils all around the walls, also white, with glowing chain-like designs jutting down from them and meeting under Ven’s new, more ornate throne-like white chair in the middle of the newly-made round room* …Well this is shiny as fuck. Hope no one gets sick of using a bright white room with no visible light source as their main setting for hours on end. The light source is magic, shut up. *looks down at the sleeping Ventus* Aww, you sweet little thing. *puts her hand on his head and strokes his hair* Sorry about the lack of toilet. Or food. Or water. Or visible life support system of any kind. Eh, you’ll be _fine,_ Terra and I will be back in roughly eleven plus years or so. Try not to die in that time, m’kay? M’kay.

**Ventus:** I can’t hear you, I’m in a coma.

**Aqua:** Well you might hear me, I don’t fucking know. *leaves the room and the new location, looking down a twisted path leading into the darkness before the camera pans to a partial side view of her, with a rather familiar building in the background* IMMA CALL THIS PLACE CASTLE OBLIVION.

**Player:** Well that’s fine but I don’t see how that affects _WHAAAAAAAAAAAH?!_

**Aqua:** I love how most of the windows are showing a yellowish light coming from within, as if it was anything other than _blindingly white._ Seriously, glad I didn’t spend too much time in there, that shit was liable to give me migranes…

**Terra’s voice:** Say Aqua, remember how Ven wanted us to kill him if it meant saving the universe? You might have to do that to me.

**Aqua:** That’s fair. Lay on, MacDuff. *apparently _walks_ into space*

**Brightcrest:** *is a gorgeous Keyblade but it’s not as good as Ultima so fuck it*

**Aqua:** Hey look, Radiant Garden is being engulfed in darkness. I WONDER IF THAT’S IMPORTANT. Oh cool, I can keep doing what I’ve been doing this whole time; Mirage Arena, presumably Command Board shenaniganry, usual mini-game bullshit, and moar leveling up if need be! Neat! Sure hope I won’t have to do that last part, though! *heads to Radiant Garden* HOLY SHIT IT’S NIGHTTIME. Did not think it was possible for planets to have a different time of day. *heads to the main square* YO TERRA! NICE NEW HAIR, MAKES YOU LOOK DISTINGUISHED! *runs up to him in the middle of the square*

**Terra:** *is staring up at the sky, his hair silver, his eyes yellow, and his ears pointy, and I can’t tell whether he got a tan or if it’s just the contrast with the new hair and the nighttime sky that’s throwing me off*

**Aqua:** …Terra? You okay, dude?

**Terra:** Ellipsis.

**Aqua:** Oh good, this shit again.

**Terra:** Ellipsis. *reaches out for Aqua’s chest*

**Aqua:** NO DON’T GRAB MAH TITS aww, you did that thing I told you not to do.

**Terra:** What…are these?

**Aqua:** They’re called breasts, women don’t really like it when you grab them without warning and they don’t see you in any kind of romantic or sexual fashion, so if you wouldn’t mind letting go…Good thing the camera’s not really focusing on this…

**Terra:** I think it’s implied that I’m holding you up by those ridiculous pink strap things but they couldn't really fuck with your character model so they just panned away regardless.

**Aqua:** Probably. I would still be happy if you stopped.

**Terra:** Not before you tell me who I am. *starts crackling with sexual energy*

**Aqua:** …You got a creepy dark aura coming off you, you know that? Could you somehow counter that? Maybe from within, perhaps?

**Terra:** You said my name was Terra earlier? *drops Aqua as he clutches his head in pain* Terra can’t come to the phone right now, can you leave a message? For him to never receive ever since I won the battle for his heart, mind, body, and soul?

**Aqua:** Balls!

**Terranort:** *draws No Name and moves to strike Aqua down, but she backflips out of the way before he can land the strike*

**Aqua:** *raises her hand* My name is Master Aqua.

**Terranort:** Shouldn’t it be Mistress? So I can call you Missy for short?

**Aqua:** I prefer the gender-neutral term, thank you. *summons Ultima* Now let Terra be in charge again or I’ll murder both of you.

**Terranort:** So callous. *disappears into the ground and appears again behind her*

**Aqua:** Trust me, he’d know it was a kindness. *jumps out of the way and starts the battle, immediately running forward to bash him in the face*

**Terranort:** *uses a bunch of Terra’s moves against Aqua – attacking her with sick combos, summoning giant chunks of earth right in her face, zips around while coated in darkness to evade Aqua’s attacks, occasionally goes underground again, and sends the occasional purple ball of evil dark energy at her face*

**Aqua:** *beats his ass by dodging most of his shit and bashing him in the face, using Curaga when necessary and using Glacier if she’s close enough. Mega Flare helps too since it hits no matter where he is unless he’s underground but it doesn’t do much damage so it’s virtually worthless*

**Terranort:** Okay, that was fun. Time for phase two. *creates a wall of purple flames around them*

**Aqua:** Wait, I have to fight him _twice?!_ That’s not cool at all! Fucking KH endings…

**Terranort:** Squeenix, amirite? *summons that black floaty bandaged guardian thing that’s always hanging off Anse—Xehanort’s Heartless back in KHII. And Riku that one time*

**Aqua:** *quickly runs forward and bashes him in the face again*

**Terranort:** Probably should’ve prepared for that. *sends out a couple beams of blue lightning at Aqua*

**Aqua:** You’re just gonna fight like one of the final fights from KHI, aren’t you.

**Terranort:** I got a couple new moves here and there.

**Black guardian thing:** *separates from Terranort, grabs Aqua and pulls her upward, slamming her down into the ground as hard as it can*

**Terranort:** That, for instance.

**Aqua:** *checks health* …I have a feeling that should’ve hurt more. Or is my defense just that good.

**Terranort:** Also I can still physically attack you with the Keyblade.

**Aqua:** Good, something to actually be worried about.

**Black guardian thing:** *summons giant black-ish fireballs in its hands and throws them at Aqua, who dodges all of the things, and then it grabs her*

**Aqua:** …Why is the background all orange-ish with orange lights everywhere — TERRA!

**Terra:** *is visibly trapped in some kind of bolt of energy, being guarded by the black guardian thing which is throwing giant balls of purple energy at Aqua’s face*

**Aqua:** Hang on, Terra, I’m coming! *tries to evade all the balls of purple energy and accidentally hits Terra, getting back into the real fight* Damn, I don’t think that worked out how I intended, my instinct is to hit the things I lock onto…

**Terranort:** Yeah no. Aaaand you seem to have depleted all my health once again. Ow my shoulder. Wait, where did my shadow thing go and why am I suddenly glowing with light, that’s not supposed to happen…Oy, Terra, quit yo fighting, you’re supposed to have submitted to me already! Aaaand now I can’t move.

**Aqua:** Terra! This is literally an I Know You’re In There Somewhere fight!

**Terranort:** Or not. *manages to raise his Keyblade until it’s in front of his chest* If I just carve his heart out, I won’t have to fight with him anymore! *stabs himself*

**Aqua:** TERRA! IF ONLY I KNEW ANY MOVES THAT COULD BRING ME TO HIS SIDE QUICK ENOUGH TO HAVE STOPPED HIM FROM DOING THAT!

**Terranort:** *drops his Keyblade which vanishes and the black guardian thing returns behind him, melting to the ground and creating a small circular abyss of darkness that Terra falls backward into*

**Aqua:** Aw _hell_ naw! *jumps in after him, reaching out for his hand*

**Bright light:** *suddenly shoots out of the abyss*

**Aqua:** *is suddenly in her armored form riding her Keyblade thing while trying desperately to catch up to Terranort’s body which is suddenly miles and miles ahead of her* How did he get so far so fast, I was _literally_ right behind him! Also it’s a good thing I can still see his falling body considering there is literally nothing but blackness in every direction. *uses the Dash feature to finally catch up to Terranort and grab his hand, circling around and aiming for the small speck of light in the distance* Well that’s convenient. Although it seems to be growing dimmer and I guess the implication is that Terra’s weighing the speeder thingy down. Well…If it’s a choice between him and me, I choose him, never mind that he’s probably completely possessed now. *makes the speeder thing disappear and somehow takes her armor off in one fell swoop despite still having the boots and the plates on her arms, the armored set holding onto Terranort* And here, take this too I guess. *places Stormfall in Terranort’s hands which somehow sends him up into the light* …I just realized I probably could’ve used that Keyblade to keep the abyss open, or used the Master's Defender Keyblade to achieve the same effect.. OH WELL, HINDSIGHT IS 20/20! Shame about Ven, though, since now he’ll probably be in a coma for a bit longer, as I certainly don’t want his heart following me where I’m going. *falls into darkness* Hey, there’s a chance I may get out of here one day, who knows… *turns into a twinkle of light that slowly fades away*

~Okay, I know she had seconds to make her decision, but COME ON, THE KEYBLADE ALWAYS WORKS WITH WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO DO, IT'S LIKE THE FUCKING FORCE.~

**Sky:** *is starry*

**Sora and Riku:** *are laying beneath said stars*

**Riku:** *sits up* Hey, it’s nearly eleven at night and there’s a chance our parents, if we have them, may or may not be worried about us. We should probably head back.

**Sora:** *also sits up* If you say so. *walks back into town with Riku* You know, I don’t know if this place is just super safe or if our parents are super neglectful.

**Riku:** Probably a little of column A and a little of column B…You okay?

**Sora:** Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?

**Riku:** …You’re kind of crying.

**Sora:** No I’m not…Well _now_ I am, but I’m gonna say you made me just now.

**Riku:** That’s not how that works.

**Sora:** Well, thanks for not making fun of me, at any rate.

**Riku:** Sometimes you gotta cry. Sometimes your tears will lubricate the way forward, and you can slip and slide to the finish line. So what’s wrong?

**Sora:** No idea. All I know is that my chest hurts.

**Riku:** Well I immediately assume that your home life’s absolutely fine and that you’re not sad that we have to go home for the day, and that what’s causing this is that someone _else_ is sad and you’re just projecting.

**Sora:** Your logic is astounding.

**Riku:** And I bet it’s someone from another planet! You’re getting second-hand emotions from all the way to the other side of the universe!

**Sora:** …I’m not saying that’s impossible but what I am saying is that that’s impossible.

**Riku:** Shut up and help them.

**Sora:** … _How?!_

**Riku:** *crosses his arms and bursts into song*  
 _Let it break upon you_  
 _Like a wave upon the sand_  
 _Listen with your heart_  
 _You will understand_

**Sora:** …This is stupid, and you’re stupid for making me do it. And now _I’m_ stupid.

**Riku:** Well you didn’t really need any help with that.

**Sora:** Oh that’s just… *faces upwards and closes his eyes*

**Riku:** *also looks up* Yep. Everyone’s gonna love this clusterfuck of nonsense.

**Camera:** *transitions from Sora’s face to where Ven is still sleeping in his white throne of sleepiness*

**Sora’s voice:** Yo, wake your shit.

**Ventus:** I will after this abrupt transition to an entirely different scene.

~Oh yeah, did Terranort ever make it out or what?~

**Braig:** So yeah, I probably could’ve carried him to a hospital myself, but then I remembered this planet doesn’t really have one of those, so I wanted to check if you thought he was actually worth saving or not.

**Ansem the Wise:** A smart decision, on the whole. As is our decision to take our time walking to where the alleged dying person is instead of actually showing some sense of urgency.

**Dilan:** I’m here too!

**Braig:** No one cares. *leads them to where Terranort’s body is just laying on the ground next to Aqua’s armor and Keyblade*

**Ansem the Wise:** *bends down and cradles Terranort’s body* Where? Where does it hurt?

**Terranort:** Oh…pretty much around the big, bloody spot…You’re not...Christopher Lee…

**Ansem the Wise:** No, I haven’t really been for a while, even before he died.

**Terranort:** …That sucks… *coughs* Tell me…if you see…a RadioShack…

**Ansem the Wise:** Can’t, they’re bankrupt.

**Terranort:** …WELL GREAT.

**Ansem the Wise:** Just tell me your name already.

**Terranort:** All I remember is the name Xehanort.

**Ansem the Wise:** …That’s a weird fucking name.

**Terranort:** Hey, I didn’t pick it. Unless I did, it's not a hundred percent clear.

**Braig:** *smirks* All according to keikakuu.

**Terranort:** Me go sleep-sleeps now. *passes out again*

**Ansem the Wise:** We need to take him to the castle! And by we I mean you people!

**Braig:** Sure thing, you weak pathetic little poo-babby. *picks Terranort up bridal style* Dilan, mind grabbing that shit? Might be useful to figuring out who this guy is.

**Dilan:** I’m honestly surprised the Keyblade didn’t disappear.

**Camera:** *cuts from Aqua’s armor to Aqua herself walking along a path in the Realm of Darkness*

**Aqua:** So how long have I been down here, just the few minutes since I left Terra or are we skipping ahead several years, I know time conveniently doesn't matter here but that doesn't make me not curious. *sees a Darkside rise up next to her* …Well it has to have been a few years, Ansem and his merry band of idiots had to have invented Heartless for these guys to show up, never mind that Master Xehanort put Ven up against a bunch of Neoshadows…Or are Heartless eternally common to the Realm of Darkness and Ansem only succeeded in bringing them to the Realm of Light. _Or_ was that just Emblem Heartless and purebloods have always existed. Hoo boy, now I’m really confused…

**Darkside:** I AM STARING AT YOU.

**Aqua:** I noticed. *summons Master’s Defender* Well at least I still have some kind of weapon.

**Several other Darksides:** *appear on either side of the path*

**Aqua:** … *vanishes Master’s Defender* I know none of you are aggro-ing, but I don’t really feel like fighting you. I’m just not up for that. I’m severely burnt out by everything that I’ve been doing so far and I just need a break…a permanent one if necessary.

**One of the Darksides:** *gets ready to punch*

**Two twinkles of light:** *sparkle into existence and slice through the agro-ed Darkside, destroying it instantly*

**Aqua:** …What the fuck just happened. *watches two bursts of light sail above her, turning into Earthshaker and Wayward Wind as they fly around destroying Darkside after Darkside before flying up and vanishing again* …Well that was awesome. Don’t really know where that came from or how that worked but I’ll take it. It even seems to imply that those two Keyblades just turn up to help me defend myself while I’m down here, which is neat. Could've used that in 0.2 on occasion just for funzies but whatever. *smiles, then realizes she’s smiling and touches her lips* …I _really_ need to know how long I’ve been down here, if it’s been so long I forgot how to smile. *takes out her Wayfinder*

**Images of absolutely every good guy she’s ever met during the game:** *flash before her, mostly in group shots except for Ven and Terra at the beginning and close-ups of Kairi, Riku, and Sora at the end*

**Aqua:** …Okay, I get it. I’ll wait for my four-hour solo game.

~…I kinda want a blue Wayfinder charm now…~

**Credits:** Okay but these are the final, final credits, we swear. Look, we’re playing “Simple and Clean” again and everything, I bet you missed that!

**Still shots of random scenes throughout the game:** *are still shots of random scenes throughout the game*

**Credits:** And now we have a “Where are they now?” segment! In a prequel! Where the answers should seem fairly obvious!

**Huey, Dewey, and Louie:** *are racing on little airplanes down the race track* We’re pondering how we’re never gonna age in eleven years!

**Louie:** …You think maybe we could use these _airplanes_ for more than just racing across the _ground?_

**Dewey:** Do _you_ want to incur the wrath of our queen?

**Louie:** I do not.

**Huey:** And I won while you two were talking.

**Dewey and Louie:** Of course you did.

**Minnie:** WHY DIDN’T ANYONE CRASH?! I DEMAND BLOOD!

**Chip:** …Maybe we should make her see someone—

**Dale:** _You_ make her see someone!

**Horace:** These pictures of fruit are great. _These_ pictures of fruit are not.

**Pluto:** WHERE THE FUCK AM I GONNA BE IN THE MAIN SERIES, FUCK'S SAKE.

**Maleficent:** I think I’ll start my kidnappings with Aurora, considering she’s right the fuck here.

**Merryweather:** Hey guys, come see these two dance happily to really really sad music!

**Flora and Fauna:** Oh isn’t that lovely.

**Aurora:** Don’t you just love this blue dress?

**Flora:** Hey, that ain’t right! *turns it red*

**Merryweather:** …We’ve talked about this, she actually prefers blue and I say we respect her choice. *turns it blue again*

**Fauna:** …Seriously, you guys? Who cares what the damn dress color is, be grateful Phillip managed to break the spell, that Aurora ain’t dead, and that Maleficent is gone for the next thirty seconds.

**Flora:** EVERYTHING MUST BE RED. _I will bathe the castle in the blood of the innocent to make it so._

**Merryweather:** …Fine, it can stay red.

**Flora:** That’s better, now, isn’t it, deary? *angelic smile*

**Fauna and Merryweather:** …

**Phillip:** Hey, all the constant bursts of color are giving me a headache, could you knock it off?

**Cinderella:** And now _we’re_ dancing to really depressing music! Oh, I couldn’t be more happy!

**Duke:** Boy, can’t wait to do nothing when she gets kidnapped like two minutes from now! Since that is in fact what’s going to happen!

**Jaq:** So is she gonna get kidnapped right the fuck now and remain frozen in carbonite for a decade while time progresses ever onward, or is our planet gonna implode and remain that way until Sora fixes the End of the World in the first game?

**Fairy Godmother:** Oh who even cares, _I’m_ certainly not going to do anything to stop it other than fuck off to another planet where I’ll occasionally give rocks the power to sometimes not be rocks and otherwise be completely useless.

**Jaq:** …Why do we even keep you around, then.

**Fairy Godmother:** LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY FIREWORKS I CAN SPONTANEOUSLY CREATE!

**Prince Thomas:** OH DEAR GOD MY EARS!

**Cinderella:** THAT’S RIGHT THE FUCK NEXT TO US, MY HAIR’S ON FUCKING FIRE!

**Seven dwarves:** *singing* _High-ho, high-ho, it’s home from work we go…_ *whistle*

**Charming:** Oh good, these guys again.

**Snow White:** Guys, we’re trying to have a moment, could you not—

**Seven dwarves:** FLOWER PETALS!

**Snow White:** Hurgh…

**Isa and Lea:** …So did we fail the guard test or something?

**Dilan:** Who knows, just get out. *physically throws them out of the castle*

**Aeleus:** Child abuse is hilarious!

**Lea:** Well that hurt. Come on, let’s talk to this magical talking duck and get some ice cream from him.

**Isa:** Seems legit. Wait, this Sea-Salt flavored?

**Scrooge:** Sure is, laddie!

**Isa:** …But if you’ve always enjoyed sharing Sea-Salt ice cream with your friendly friends, why did you hate it so much at the end of CoM?

**Lea:** Maybe I wasn’t used to the flavor anymore, or my Nobody taste buds were different, or it reminded me of when we used to do this and that made it bittersweet until me and Roxas developed a deeper bond or something. Iunno, shut up and eat so we can figure out a different way to get into the Organization eventually.

**Phil:** ONE HUNDRED PUSH-UPS! ONE HUNDRED SIT-UPS! ONE HUNDRED SQUATS! THEN A TEN KILOMETER RUN! _EVERY SINGLE DAY!_ YOU HAVE TO TRAIN TO THE POINT WHERE YOUR HAIR FALLS OUT! THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO BECOME STRONG!

**Hercules:** *steadily doing push-ups* Phil, you are so…full of crap!

**Phil:** Eh?

**Hercules:** That is nothing but standard strength training! And it’s not even that intense! It’s just a normal level! I…I have to get stronger. I didn’t study under you just to hear jokes!

**Zack:** *leans against the door* Wow, if that’s really all it takes then I’ve got squatting down for sure. Wait, what’s that feather and why did I just disappear once it passed over my face? Should we really be playing such cheerful music when something so ominous is happening?

**Black feather of Sephiroth-enhanced evil:** *floats to the ground to cheerful peppy music*

**Experiment 626:** Meega nala kweesta! *is still flying in the vacuum of space, playing with his newly repaired Wayfinder and heading for whichever planet will host Hawaii in KHIII assuming that one shot of concept art I saw that one time wasn't lying to me*

**Slightly and Cubby:** *are carrying a giant treasure chest back to Pan’s hideout*

**Peter Pan:** Boy is this battle-type music way more appropriate! Hey Tink, bet I can fly faster than you — Oh look, it’s Captain Codfish! I don’t think he’s supposed to know where our hideout is at this point but WHO CARES I HAVE HIS HAT NOW AND THERE’S NOTHING HE CAN DO ABOUT IT!

**Hook:** DICK MOVE, PAN! YOU’RE A DICK! AN ACTUAL PENIS!

**Donald and Goofy:** You okay, Your Majesty?

**Mickey:** Well let’s see. Two of my friends are either in a coma or trapped in the realm of darkness. So no, I’d have to say I’m not all right. *puts the Star Shard and Star Seeker onto Noiti Sopxe’s desk* I think I’ve safely proven that I’m not worthy of either of these things. And no, I don’t know why the music’s still so upbeat when clearly all the sad things are currently happening. *starts to walk away*

**Noiti Sopxe:** *snorts* Sorry, drifted off there, what’s going on? Wait, hold up, I’ll change the music to something more thematically appropriate. Also you can’t give up the Keyblade, you need to be able to wield Kingdom Key D once you pick it up ten years from now at the end of 0.2. It is known.

**Donald and Goofy:** It is known.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Don’t worry, I’ll prepare an actual vessel for you this time. I need you to talk to a guy in Radiant Garden for me…

**Kairi:** I’m still picking flowers in said Radiant Garden! Huh? *stands up and looks up at the sky as her pendant starts to glow* …Am I about to be sent to Destiny Islands after my planet explodes? Wow, that was quick…

**Credits:** How much do you love Dearly Beloved and the various incarnations therein.

~Wow, another post-credits scene. What is this, a Marvel production?~

**Sora:** *opens his eyes* …Okay why is the stain-glass floor that is my house have fishing equipment, wrenches, paupu fruit, and hallucinogens printed on it, that’s not right. *sees Ventus’s heart floating toward him* Wait, are hearts made of stain glass or circular balls of light, I’m confused.

**Ventus:** Well I don’t have any of the answers you’re looking for, sorry, I’m just following your voice and trying not to die completely.

**Sora:** Yes, that would be bad. Hey, can I hold your heart?

**Ventus:** Sure, just don’t crush it.

**Sora:** I won’t. *cups it in his hands where it floats slightly above said hands so he’s nor really touching it*

**Ventus:** So…You know how you fixed my heart way back when?

**Sora:** Uh, maybe?

**Ventus:** Well you just saved it from blipping out entirely, so thanks for that. I’m gonna go back into my coma now.

**Sora:** That’s when you sleep for a really long time and may or may not wake up and it’s up to your family members to decide whether or not to pull the plug?

**Ventus:** That’s the one. Except I kind of want to wake up eventually, so, um, would you mind if a small part of my soul — _heart,_ sorry, attached itself to yours and just waited to be reunited with my body again?

**Sora:** What, you want me to turn into a Horcrux?

**Ventus:** Essentially, yes. I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to—

**Sora:** Eh, what’s the worst that could happen.

**Ventus:** A franchise-encompassing plot that makes no sense?

**Sora:** Oh it’ll be _fine._ *absorbs Ven’s heart into his chest, closing his eyes and opening them again to reveal he’s back in the physical world again* Phew.

**Riku:** Well?

**Sora:** I have an older dude inside of me.

**Riku:** …AWESOME.

**Sora:** I’M ADORABLE!

**Riku:** I’M GONNA GROW UP TO BE WAY HOTTER!

**Camera:** *pans across the beach to show the island that there’s usually gameplay on and three brightly shining stars high in the sky*

**Three shooting stars:** *create narration text with their sparkly powers* In the main series, these two would become the main characters who would save the universe multiple times. But you probably already fucking knew that, unless this is your first game for some reason, in which case _boy_ will the secret episode be confusing for you.

~And you thought that definitive and conclusive finale meant we were done.~


	31. Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Anyone Notice The Thing I Did With The Chapter Titles, That Was Me Trying Too Hard To Be Clever, I Enjoyed It:** _The Animation Show, Gurren Lagann,_ Super Best Friends Play, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, _Harry Potter,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~HEY DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED.~

**Narration text:** We’re still not telling you everything.

**Master Xehanort:** You’re evil and I’ve used that evilness to gain control of your body. You’re just trapped in your own body now, forced to watch yourself do shit you probably wouldn’t do normally. Like get an actually _cool-looking_ impractical haircut. So just fade away already, you’re annoying.

**Terra:** I don’t wanna. It’s really creepy, how you’re inside me right now and not letting me have any control over my own actions whatsoever…That did not come out right but as it’s what’s literally happening you can’t really blame me for making it sound so fucked up when it _is_ so fucked up.

**Master Xehanort:** What does it matter, you’re never regaining control anyway. You think you could just kick _me_ out?

**Terra:** Yyyyyyup!

**Master Xehanort:** Pfft, good luck with that shi—HOLY SHIT OUR HEADS ARE GIGANTIC!

**Terra:** MY HEAD IS NOW A GIANT EGG.

**Master Xehanort:** AAAAAAAHHH!

**Terra:** MY HEAD IS NOW A GIANT EGG.

**Master Xehanort:** AAAAAAAHHH!

**Terra:** EGG!

**Master Xehanort:** AAAAH! 

**Terra:** EGG!

**Master Xehanort:** AAAAH!

**Terra:** EGG!

**Master Xehanort:** AAAAH!

**Terra:** Flower.

**Master Xehanort:** Ahhh.

**Terra:** EGG!

**Master Xehanort:** AAAAH!

**Terra:** Okay I think we both need to calm down now.

**Master Xehanort:** Righty-ho! Anyway, you succumbed to your own darkness over and over again so how do you think you’ll be able to fight me off?

**Terra:** Because though I used the power of darkness, I still fought for the light. You’re just pure fucking evil.

**Master Xehanort:** …Did…Did you absorb Ecivresnaf’s heart?!

**Terra:** Maaaaayyyyybeeee…

**Master Xehanort:** Huh. Too bad it’s too weak to fight against me or it probably would have by now.

**Terra:** Why do you think we have amnesia right now?

**Master Xehanort:** I — Hmm…

**Terra:** I’m not afraid about being a guy who uses darkness for good, now that I know that I’m not the only character in the franchise who can do that even if he technically hasn’t yet. And guess what? Even if you take complete control of my body and manage to get rid of me for good, I’ll still find a way to stick around because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL! I mean, fuck, Master Ecivresnaf's Keyblade is helping Aqua in the Realm of Darkness right the fuck now! Apparently!

**Master Xehanort:** Yeah that’s nice, I don’t care. When you’re older, time flies by at a much faster rate. Ten or eleven years will seem like nothing to me. And after I defeat you? I can always possess someone else, someone just as strong of body and yet weaker of heart. Or I could just time travel a whole bunch and split my soul into _thirteen_ pieces.

**Terra:** …Balls.

**Narration text:** …Why would you focus on someone’s back instead of on their face? Unless their symbol is ON OUR BACKS, AND IN OUR HEARTS!

**Terranort, hereafter known as Xehanort minus the “Master” part because that’s how I wrote him in KHII so shut up:** I have brown eyes now, and much more sensible hair. Also I dressed like I did in Mickey’s flashback and that one portrait.

**Braig:** Yeah, how come you were the only one to get a portrait done, anyway? *throws his arm around Xehanort* I mean, even boss man Ansem the Moderately Clever didn’t get one done of himself!

**Xehanort:** Hello, welcome to my personal space, how can I help you.

**Braig:** …You really don’t remember me, do you? I was hoping that was just a trick or something. Damn, this plot device is annoying already, and this is the prequel!

**Xehanort:** It’s not a trick, now get the fuck off me.

**Braig:** …Make me, Terra.

**Xehanort:** I don’t know who this Terra is, but he sounds like he has stupider hair than me.

**Braig:** You are correct, it was my mistake. Wait, does this mean the original Master Xehanort had brown eyes before they turned yellow? Ha, as if! There’s no way anyone would have such a mundane eye color in _this_ franchise! *slaps Xehanort on the back*

**Ansem the Wise:** I am eating ice cream, holding a small child who is also eating ice cream by the hand, and laughing evilly.

**Player:** …0_o

**Ienzo:** SAVE ME FROM THIS EVERLASTING HELL.

**Player:** D’:

**Ienzo:** Hang on, I wanna use my bullshit childlike intuition to come to the conclusion that Braig and Xehanort suspiciously plotting shit together may be slightly suspicious.

**Ansem the Wise:** LOOK INTO MY EYES.

**Player:** THERE IS A GIANT EYEBALL. AND IT IS LOOKING AT US.

**Narration Text:** …The hell do you mean, Aqua and Ansem never should have met ever? Aqua was in and out of Radiant Garden all the time, they could’ve run into each other at any point no problem!

**Ansem the Wise:** I now have an Organization XIII cloak because shut up. Ocean pretty…

**Master Aqua:** HOLY FUCK ANOTHER PERSON. COME TO ME, HUMAN INTERACTION, SOMETHING I HAVEN'T HAD FOR TEN YEARS EVEN THOUGH I WAS JUST HANGING OUT WITH MICKEY AND BYPASSED RIKU. *walks up to Ansem, her face hidden from the camera as if it’s supposed to be a dramatic revelaiton who she is when we all know it’s her and she hasn’t even physically changed in the past ten years aside from looking way better graphically just a bit ago chronologically so why you gotta be like this* And you are?

**Ansem the Wise:** TITS! Er, I mean, I didn’t really expect anyone else to be here.

**Master Aqua:** Well you didn’t answer my question, but whatever, I’m Aqua. How’d you get here?

**Ansem the Wise:** Blew myself up.

**Master Aqua:** …Wonderful.

**Ansem the Wise:** And I thought I was trapped in the realm _between_ those of light and dark, but apparently I’ve been here before as well.

**Master Aqua:** Well I’ve been here for literal years and I’ve never seen you, not that time matters, but...

**Ansem the Wise:** And now I’ve got partial amnesia.

**Master Aqua:** You and everyone else in this damn series…

**Ansem the Wise:** Tell me about it. You manage to get out?

**Master Aqua:** *sits down in the sand* For like two seconds, fought a Demon Tower, then fell back here again, only this time with no weapon. Could still probably do magic though, like Sora that one time in KHI.

**Ansem the Wise:** You wanna go back as well?

**Master Aqua:** Of course I do. Anything for some _actual_ sunlight one more time, that felt wonderful…Oh, and I wanna see my friends again, friends that aren't Mickey. One of them’s in a coma and I’m literally the only one who can get to him, and the other’s been possessed and I want to get him back to normal. One of those will be way easier than the other but I can’t give up on either one, I love them too much.

**Ansem the Wise:** …There are numerous friendship speeches I’ve heard over the past few games that have embedded myself too deeply in my memory to be entirely forgotten, they were so corny and annoying. And most of them were spouted by this one particular kid. He’s an interplanetary traveler who’s desperate to not let the universe implode again.

**Master Aqua:** Again? So the huge interplanetary implosion Mickey told me about was stopped, yet it's happening _again?!_

**Ansem the Wise:** Ish. That thing you mentioned happened about a year ago—

**Master Aqua:** IT'S BEEN _ELEVEN YEARS_ NOW?! _FUCK!_

**Ansem the Wise:** Yep, and then there were a bunch of organ harvesters who nearly wiped out if not actual planets then at least their populations possibly maybe. But everything’s fine now, the Keyblade kid kept saving everyone’s shit and basically doing everyone’s dirty work for them, for who better for us adults to place our universe-saving burdens on than a teenager.

**Master Aqua:** Keyblade kid who saves planets? I know Terra doesn’t really qualify as a kid per se, but was it Terra or Ven? Which is short for Ventus, I should’ve specified? I mean, I know he makes everyone _call_ him Ven, but—

**Ansem the Wise:** No, it wasn’t either of those.

**Master Aqua:** ...Mickey mentioned Sora and Riku helping him out, though I never got a good enough look at Riku to see if he wielded a Keyblade...

**Ansem the Wise:** I technically never met him in person, but I first knew _of_ him and watched over his comatose body like a year ago in Realm of Light time, who knows how long it's been since I got here again. Back then, all I wanted was revenge for getting trapped in a different dimension, even though by that point I had managed to get out; after all, revenge is more important than the thing you’re having revenge for. Even though I kind of ruined everyone’s lives and introduced the two main antagonistic forces we’ve had to contend with up till this prequel that actually _wasn’t_ my fault for once.

**Master Aqua:** For a guy who has gaps in his memories, you sure are conveniently remembering all the important shit. Also this is probably my favorite incarnation of Dearly Beloved.

**Ansem the Wise:** It _is_ pretty nice, isn’t it. But yeah, that boy was in a coma as well for a little less than a year, and I transferred some of my data into his brain somehow, must’ve had Naminé fuck with his memories just a little bit more or something. Should be able to get it out by the next officially numbered game, I think/hope.

**Master Aqua:** Well as long as it’s his brain and you didn’t shove a flash drive up his ass or something.

**Ansem the Wise:** It certainly would have been easier…

**Master Aqua:** …I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear that…

**Ansem the Wise:** It matters not. He’s gonna save the universe again and hopefully I helped him do it. Fuck, maybe he’ll even save all the people I fucked over, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll be compassionate enough to get me out of here again so I can take you with me. He seems like that kind of guy, you know? There are so many others who are waiting for their Title Drop.

**Master Aqua:** Oh I get it. So who are you even talking about, anyway?

**Ansem the Wise:** Before I tell you, I feel it necessary to flash to all the other people who need his help.

**Master Aqua:** Why?

**Ansem the Wise:** Additional feels, I guess.

**Narration Text:** Everyone’s fucking dead, but evidently they don’t have to stay that way. MUST BE DISNEY MAGIC!

**Naminé:** *is in the White Room in the mansion in Twilight Town* …Is this what my version of the afterlife is like or am I actually in Twilight Town right now? How am I even in an afterlife, I should be inside Kairi right now, this shit makes no fucking sense. Also why am I using a _white crayon on white paper, AND WHY AM I USING IT ON A DRAWING OF SORA THAT DOESN’T EVEN REQUIRE ANY WHITE TOUCH-UPS?!_

**Roxas:** Oh good, we’re all eating ice cream together again.

**Axel:** Seriously, how does the afterlife even work.

**Xion:** Not a clue. Is this the real life?

**Roxas:** Is this just fantasy?

**Axel:** Before I join in, aren’t you two both supposed to be assimilated into Sora right now, why are you two even back here?

**Roxas:** You think _we_ know?!

**Xion:** Dude I’m just happy to be back in any capacity.

**Axel:** That’s fair.

**Ventus:** And I guess my version of the afterlife is being back home in the Land of Departure, even if I’m still napping in a chair of some kind.

**Terra:** *places his hand on the arm of Ven’s chair* So how do you think Sora’s gonna get _everyone_ back, anyway?

**Ventus:** *wakes up* Well I figure with _me_ it’ll be pretty obvious, he’ll just find my room, probably with Aqua's help, and transfer my heart back into my body, and with you maybe we’ll help knock some sense into you or something, and of course Lea’s just fucking _back,_ isn’t he, but everyone else getting their own bodies? Not a clue.

**Random shooting star:** *is a random shooting star*

**Master Aqua:** …So you’re just not gonna tell me?

**Ansem the Wise:** No, no, the implication is that I told you Sora’s name while everyone else was saying Sora’s name.

**Master Aqua:** Oh…Somehow I feel like this would've been a more impactful revelaiton had Mickey not told me about him earlier. *cries with happiness and looks out into the ocean*

**Narration text:** All these fuckers will be waiting just as long as we will for KHIII to come out, I mean Jesus Fucking Shit Christ…

**Fifteen-year-old Sora:** I AM STARING OUT INTO THE OCEAN AS WELL. Dayum I forgot how gorgeous our sunsets are…

**Sixteen-year-old Riku:** Tell me about it. Hey, you’re in my spot, you shit. *walks up to the palm tree Sora’s sitting on*

**Sora:** Letting the camera drink you in as well?

**Riku:** Naturally. So we doing 3D then?

**Sora:** Well we’re gonna have to, won’t we? The plot will actually start to make sense and tie together then. *is holding bottle and Mickey’s letter* It’s just a shame that we have to play yet another game just to find out the contents of this letter.

**Fifteen-year-old Kairi:** Not necessarily. *walks up to stand by Riku* You really only have to watch a three hour movie now, the game’s not really mandatory. Like Days, only not as good.

**Sora:** Well that’s a relief. *jumps down* But still…

**Kairi:** I know. You really do have to actually play 3D.

**Sora:** *smiles and walks up to her* It’s okay, I found a way to do it in 2D, I got myself the original 2DS and as soon as I finish TWEWY I’ll be able to play it.

**Kairi:** …Didn’t you finish that, like, months ago? You’re not trying to 100% it, are you, I heard there’s an optional pig boss that can only be defeated by _closing_ the DS, something you cannot physically do with your particular 2DS unless you're just that physically strong and also you want to break it.

**Sora:** Hey how ‘bout you shut up. Oh and also I have to save people.

**Kairi:** And I can’t come along because…?

**Sora:** Me and Riku are stronger than you and better with the Keyblade.

**Riku:** But conventions of JRPGs dictate that we’ll be back to level one anyway, so there is literally no reason why she can’t join up with us, actually—

**Sora:** No shut up, this is what we’re doing.

**Kairi:** Right. I’ll just be waiting around, being a useless female character as usual.

**Sora:** That’s my girl.

**Kairi:** *places the thalassa charm into his hands* I’m just gonna give this to you every time you leave the fucking house from now on.

**Narration text:** And now for something that’ll BLOW YOUR MINDS!

**Fourteen-year-old-stupid-giant-yellow-shoes Sora:** *is asleep on the beach*

**Fourteen-year-old-short-haired Kairi:** *is running over to him to wake him up*

**Fourteen-year-old-stupid-giant-yellow-shoes Sora:** *is just about to open his eyes as if he dreamt the entire past five games*

**Narration text:** Yeah, that was KHI.

**Tetsuya Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama:** ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS, ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS! *kun*

**Master Aqua:** Wait, why am I walking toward Ansem on the beach, didn’t we just do this?

**Narration text:** Nah, we’re going a little bit before that…

**Master Aqua:** Wait what are you—

.SEYE YM OTNI KOOL **:esiW eht mesnA**

.suoicipsus ylthgils eb yam rehtegot tihs gnittolp ylsuoicipsus tronaheX dna giarB taht noisulcnoc eht ot emoc ot noitiutni ekildlihc tihsllub ym esu annaw I ,no gnaH **:ozneI**

:’D **:reyalP**

.LLEH GNITSALREVE SIHT MORF EM EVAS **:ozneI**

o_0… **:reyalP**

.yllive gnihgual dna ,dnah eht yb maerc eci gnitae osla si ohw dlihc llams a gnidloh ,maerc eci gnitae ma I **:esiW eht mesnA**

*kcab eht no tronaheX spals* !esihcnarf eritne siht ni roloc eye enadnum a hcus evah dluow enoyna yaw on s’erehT !fi sa ,aH ?wolley denrut yeht erofeb seye nworb dah tronaheX retsaM lanigiro eht naem siht seod ,tiaW .ekatsim ym saw ti ,tcerroc era uoY **:giarB**

.em naht riah rediputs sah eh ekil sdnuos eh tub ,si arreT siht ohw wonk t’nod I **:tronaheX**

.arreT ,em ekaM… **:giarB**

.em ffo kcuf eht teg won ,kcirt a ton s’tI **:tronaheX**

!leuqerp eht si siht dna ,ydaerla gniyonna si ecived tolp siht ,nmaD .gnihtemos ro kcirt a tsuj saw taht gnipoh saw I ?uoy od ,em rebmemer t’nod yllaer uoY… **:giarB**

?uoy pleh I nac woh ,ecaps lanosrep ym ot emoclew ,olleH **:tronaheX**

!flesmih fo enod eno teg t’ndid revelC yletaredoM eht mesnA nam ssob neve ,naem I *tronaheX dnuora mra sih sworht* ?yawyna ,enod tiartrop a teg ot eno ylno eht erew uoy emoc woh ,haeY **:giarB**

.tiartrop eno taht dna kcabhsalf s’yekciM ni did I ekil desserd I oslA .riah elbisnes erom hcum dna ,won seye nworb evah I **:pu tuhs os IIHK ni mih etorw I woh s’taht esuaceb trap ”retsaM“ eht sunim tronaheX sa nwonk retfaereh ,tronarreT**

!STRAEH RUO NI DNA ,SKCAB RUO NO si lobmys rieht sselnU ?ecaf rieht no fo daetsni kcab s’enoemos no sucof uoy dluow yhW… **:txet noitarraN**

.sllaB… **:arreT**

.seceip neetriht otni luos ym tilps dna hcnub elohw a levart emit tsuj dluoc I rO .traeh fo rekaew tey dna ydob fo gnorts sa tsuj enoemos ,esle enoemos ssessop syawla nac I ?uoy taefed I retfa dnA .em ot gnihton ekil mees lliw sraey nevele ro neT .etar retsaf hcum a ta yb seilf emit redlo er’uoy nehW .erac t’nod I ,ecin s’taht haeY **:tronaheX retsaM**

!yltnerappA !won kcuf eht thgir ssenkraD fo mlaeR eht ni auqA gnipleh si edalbyeK ym ,kcuf ,naem I !LLA FO CIGAM TSETAERG EHT SI PIHSDNEIRF esuaceb dnuora kcits ot yaw a dnif llits ll’I ,doog rof em fo dir teg ot eganam dna ydob ym fo lortnoc etelpmoc ekat uoy fi nevE ?tahw sseug dnA .tey t’nsah yllacinhcet eh fi neve taht od nac ohw esihcnarf eht ni retcarahc ylno eht ton m’I taht wonk I taht won ,doog rof ssenkrad sesu ohw yug a gnieb tuoba diarfa ton m’I **:arreT**

…mmH — I **:tronaheX retsaM**

?won thgir aisenma evah ew kniht uoy od yhW **:arreT**

.won yb evah dluow ylbaborp ti ro em tsniaga thgif ot kaew oot s’ti dab ooT .huH **:tronaheX retsaM**

…eeeebyyyyyaaaaaM **:arreT**

!?traeh s’fanservicE brosba uoy diD…diD… **:tronaheX retsaM**

.live gnikcuf erup tsuj er’uoY .thgil eht rof thguof llits I ,ssenkrad fo rewop eht desu I hguoht esuaceB **:arreT**

?ffo em thgif ot elba eb ll’uoy kniht uoy od woh os niaga revo dna revo ssenkrad nwo ruoy ot debmuccus uoy ,yawynA !oh-ythgiR **:tronaheX retsaM**

.won nwod mlac ot deen htob ew kniht I yakO **:arreT**

!HAAAA **:tronaheX retsaM**

!GGE **:arreT**

.hhhA **:tronaheX retsaM**

.rewolF **:arreT**

!HAAAA **:tronaheX retsaM**

!GGE **:arreT**

!HAAAA **:tronaheX retsaM**

!GGE **:arreT**

!HAAAA **:tronaheX retsaM**

!GGE **:arreT**

!HHHAAAAAAA **:tronaheX retsaM**

.GGE TNAIG A WON SI DAEH YM **:arreT**

!HHHAAAAAAA **:tronaheX retsaM**

.GGE TNAIG A WON SI DAEH YM **:arreT**

!CITNAGIG ERA SDAEH RUO TIHS YLOH—ihs taht htiw kcul doog ,tffP **:tronaheX retsaM**

!puyyyyyY **:arreT**

?tuo em kcik tsuj dluoc uoy kniht uoY .yawyna lortnoc gniniager reven er’uoy ,rettam ti seod tahW **:tronaheX retsaM**

.pu dekcuf os si ti nehw pu dekcuf os dnuos ti gnikam rof em emalb yllaer t’nac uoy gnineppah yllaretil s’tahw s’ti sa tub thgir tuo emoc ton did tahT…reveostahw snoitca nwo ym revo lortnoc yna evah em gnittel ton dna won thgir em edisni er’uoy woh ,ypeerc yllaer s’tI .annaw t’nod I **:arreT**

.gniyonna er’uoy ,ydaerla yawa edaf tsuj oS .tucriah lacitcarpmi gnikool-looc yllautca na teg ekiL .yllamron od t’ndluow ylbaborp uoy tihs od flesruoy hctaw ot decrof ,won ydob nwo ruoy ni deppart tsuj er’uoY .ydob ruoy fo lortnoc niag ot ssenlive taht desu ev’I dna live er’uoY **:tronaheX retsaM**

.tiaw ll’I .ti teg I ,yakO… **:auqA**

**Narration text:** This seems to be a preview of 0.2.

**Aqua:** What the _fuck_ just happened and why is my Wayfinder glowing. *holds it to her chest regardless* Whatever, I need to find my way out of here now. *walks along the path until she comes to a fork* Damn I’m hungry. *pulls out Wayfinder, hoping it would give her directions* _Point me._ Oh right, that only points north, it doesn’t really give specific directions, fuck those thousands of fanfics for fucking me up.

**Earthquake:** *starts*

**Aqua:** …I’m not lucky enough to have run into an Inhuman, now am I… *sees purple portal weirdly unleash a vortex of _light_ above her head* Hey, maybe that’s my way out—

**Portal:** *unleashes a giant burst of purple darkness downwards*

**Aqua:** …I’ve been wrong before. Oh good, the Wayfinder went out as well. Okay. This looks safe. This looks great.

**Narration text:** …How is this _0.5,_ this is before 0.2, decimals don't work like that.

**Aqua:** …I just got a map of this place. This area is playable. I thought I was _done._ OH THANK MERLIN A SAVE POINT. And wow, those sure are some black holes of darkness over there — what the shit, what are these hideous creatures, they look like humanoid black ants and those bombs from Final Fantasy games only black and non-explodey. At least the Keyblade still works on them AND AT LEAST I CAN STILL GAIN EXPERIENCE IF NESSA, THANK MERLIN. *makes her way through, killing what she doesn’t know are Heartless and _creating platforms so she can platform through the area BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU CAN DO THAT IN THE REALM OF DARKNESS,_ and eventually makes her way through to what is clearly a boss arena*

**Dark Hide:** *gives us a look through its red-tinted vision for some reason*

**Aqua:** For some reason I think I’m being watched. The change in perspective might’ve given it away. Also maybe I shouldn’t have been constantly heading toward the mysterious purple shit of obvious evilness but WHERE ELSE AM I GOING TO GO.

**Dark Hide’s red eyes:** *are the only thing seen through the fog*

**Aqua:** Bet that shit’s not ominous. *summon Master’s Defender* Okay, where’d those eyeballs go…

**Dark Hide:** *lunges at her, knocking her over*

**Aqua:** _There’d_ those eyeballs go! And only them, what is this guy, Reptile the Invisiblessed? It seemed more canine than that…

**Dark Hide:** *runs toward her again, cloaked in black smoke*

**Aqua:** Padfoot, _down!_ *shoots Firaga at it* Huh, didn’t know I had that equipped. In fact I don’t, what the hell.

**Dark Hide:** *leaps over the Firaga and Aqua*

**Aqua:** …Why the fuck am I so surprised that this isn’t an Unversed, I’ve been fighting Shadows, Neoshadows, and Darkballs this entire fucking time.

**Dark Hide:** *lunges at her again*

**Aqua:** Well it’s pretty easy to fucking dodge that if I just spontaneously see through your eyes all the damn time! *hits the smokey mass that is the boss until it reveals its true purple chained form* …Aww, you’re kind of cute! Now stop jumping around so I can actually hit you.

**Dark Hide:** *blows some kind of colorful gas out of its mouth*

**Aqua:** Okay why is the room all spinny. And why are you taking advantage of that to run at me from inside the walls. Also WHY CAN’T I HIT YOU I WISH TO HIT YOUR FACE — Hooooly shit there were like three of you in different colors for a second there. I think this world is getting to me. *defeats Dark Hide* Well that was fun wasn’t it. And now there are trees around me? Where am I know…What the fuck. What the fuck is the Castle of Dreams castle doing here and why is there classing KH evil chanting music playing in the background.

**Narration text:** And thus Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth By Sleep A Fragmentary Passage done begineth.

**Mickey:** This must've been when I was still catching up to her.

**Riku:** *is carrying Kairi’s body bridal style on top of Big Ben* WELL THIS WAS CUT FROM THE FINAL PRODUCT!

**Donald:** As was this shit with Pluto, apparently.

**Goofy:** 0.2 looks fucking gorgeous...

**Hayner, Pence, Olette, and Kairi:** *are standing in front of the old mansion* …Okay, _what?_

**Sora:** I’m in that coma again!

**DiZ:** *holds up flash drive* I'm gonna hide this in Sora.

**Sora:** ...Wait, what?

**Roxas:** Which sequel even is this.

**Xion:** Again, just happy to be included, couldn’t care less.

**Riku:** And now I’m wearing a blindfold again…I’m so fucking confused…

**Young Master Xehanort:** Yep. Used to live on Destiny Islands. I think we established that pretty fucking well by this point. *turns into his Heartless and then his Nobody and then his old-ass obviously villainous self while random patches of the island flash in front of the camera*

**Ventus:** I’m still in a coma! And now I’m spontaneously missing from my sleepy throne of sleep-sleeps, that’s probably worrying…

**Narration text:** Seriously, we wanted to make a direct sequel to this prequel but we can’t for reasons, so enjoy basically the demo for KHIII when it comes out. On YouTube. ‘Cause y'all ain't willing to pay for a game you already maxed out once and a movie you don't like just for a four-hour time sink.

~What a bunch of dumb idiots. I can't wait for their next thing.~


End file.
